April 9, 2010

Only one thing counts in this world: get them to sign on the line that is dotted. And initial here… here… and here. This page will need to go to a notary public… two more signatures here… sign and date here… and… one more… here.

While you were out, we secretly switched your coffee with Closer’s Brand Crystals.

You drove here in a Hyundai. I drove here in a leased company vehicle, which prominently features our company name and phone number on the sides. They’re magnetic. That’s free advertising right there.

Now our potential customers no longer have to wonder who it was that crossed three lanes of traffic to flip them off. They’ll be able to put a name to the face that is angrily pointing out their watch to them. And they’ll finally know who’s been calling up their daughter and berating her about her selfishness.

You know what it takes to sell real estate? It takes licensing from accredited agencies. This holds true for any state you wish to sell real estate in. This is a legitimate business, after all.

I’d wish you good luck by I’m not a superstitious person and I really don’t have much sympathy for those who are. I like to say “Be well.”

You see this watch? This watch costs more than your car. You know how I know that? I’ve got a little side business as an appraiser. It gives me a little bit of a buffer zone for those “steak knife” months.

The good news is: you’re fired. No, wait, that’s not good news at all. Let me rephrase that: you’re fired.



  1. I came here looking for something, maybe some biblical truisms, maybe some music, but you gave me motivation. Now I realize that was what I needed all along, so good looking out.

    Baldwin was brilliant in that movie. He is brilliant. He’s one of those people that you know is a complete asshole but you still can’t help but like. Maybe his having a cadre of untalented/obnoxious brothers helps his cause too. I especially hate that fucking Steven..or is it Stephen..it really doesn’t matter does it? No, it doesn’t. Anyway, Alec is the only Baldwin I wouldn’t applaud for being hit by a train. Alec is a beast.

    • It really says something about a family when you can only think of one worth saving, and only to the extent that you wouldn’t actually cheer if they died.

      Which is weird. Stephen/Steven Baldwin did alright in a limited role in “The Usual Suspects.” The other Baldwin (William?) did pretty well in “Homicide,” holding his own with Andre Braugher.

      He was a monster in this flick and did well in “The Cooler.” It’s too bad his whole career is so um… dichotomous? Either way, he’s still better off than Kim Basinger.

    • No, I did love The Usual Suspects. It’s one of my top 10 (or 50, I’ve never written it out) movies of all time. And Steven/Stephen held his own decently. What turned me against him for life was seeing him on Celebrity Apprentice and UK Big Brother. (My wife watches reality which means I watch reality.)

      He was fine as a crackhead. Now though he’s a reformed, 12-step touting, born-again preaching, addicted to stupidity instead of crack…crackhead.

  2. A former colleague would always write “my name is…LUCA” on those tags. No one liked him very much.

  3. I thought maybe this was Tony Robbins gone wild. I guess that would be Tony Fucking Robbins, right?

    • Yes. Like Tony Fucking Montana, only with about 64 more teeth.

  4. I love all the Baldwin brothers, (Billy, Danny, lil’ Stevie and Alec). They’re cooler than the Kennedys’. They’re like an untalented boy-band, (oxymoron?). I have a poster of each and every Baldwin brother on my wall, (and an awesome set of regulation darts).

    • Everyone’s cooler than the Kennedys. I’m sure the Baldwin boys rank right up there in the womanizing field, but they have yet to leave an actual person to die.

      Love your dartboards. I would imagine if you threw a dart into Stephen’s head, it would take nearly 10 minutes before he noticed…

  5. You would write that on your name tag too, wouldn’t you? And that’s Professor FU to you…

    • It’s hard to fit “Professor” on the name tags, so I’ve just started leaving it off. Maybe I’ll start adding “Dr.”

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