Archive for March, 2010

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Heavy Rotation Vol. 35

March 14, 2010

Welcome back, my friends to the show that never ends, thanks to funding (in whole or in part) from the Hallmark Corporation (who would like to remind you that purchasing only one card for Valentine’s Day is like cheating on your loved one with their ex) and some fine legal negotiations by our retained law firm which have allowed us to achieve Fernando!!!!-esque adulation in exchange for our souls (which were mostly used up anyway).

Fancy a trip back to a more innocent time?
The Heavy Rotation Archives

Fischerspooner – A Kick in the Teeth.mp3
For a couple of performance artists who swear they hate synthesizers, Fischerspooner sure do make some pretty music with them. Another of their pulsing fits of depression, which builds to the singalongiest of choruses.

It’s all about the elegantly stated ennui, ladies and gentlemen. Ennui with a strangely forward-looking twist. Kickstart your headspace.

Zombie Nation – Mas De Todo (Rodelledo Mix).mp3
Zombie Nation (you may remember him from the impossible-to-avoid Kernkraft 400 single from the early-2k’s) has returned with something completely unexpected. Instead of riding the glitch-bandwagon or giving ravers something to “sing” along to, he instead drop this masterful piece of dance floor madness.

So what’s the fucking what? Horns borrowed from a 70’s cop show theme song, riding along to what sounds (to my untrained ears) like a 6/8 beat, topped with fun noises, pitch shifting and shouts of “Mas!”

Peepholes – Lair (E*Rock Mix).mp3
Another day, another UK electro duo, banging KAOS pads and various instruments in an attempt to out-Lightning Bolt their competitors. Only, you know, good.

Sounding like Daft Punk’s Aerodynamic having its way with the soundtrack from A Clockwork Orange while a shouty student demonstration marches past the windows and directly into a distorted wormhole.

Beat the Devil – Shine in Exile.mp3
Like a languishing Stevie Nicks fronting Clinic while the Fiery Furnaces call out requests. Where else but in New York could a 5-foot 2-inch lead singer combine with a 6-foot 5-inch bassist and produce something that sounds nothing like anything else out there at the moment.

It’s probably the harmonium-as-focal-point. Or the distinct lack of guitar. Either way, it’s knock-you-on-your-ass good. Oh, and Kathie Lee Gifford’s name gets taken in vain about halfway through.

Liars – The Other Side of Mt. Heart Attack.mp3
Via Los Angeles by way of Nebraska(?) and finally coalescing in New York, it’s experimental punk/rock/noise/art band, Liars. This particular track travels down the quieter side of their catalog, with predictably fantastic results (he said, carelessly tooting his own horn with one hand while scratching his own back with the other).

Sung low and slow, over a pace that could be generously described as “langorous,” The Other Side of Mt. Heart Attack adds yearning to hopelessness and comes up with something transcendent.

-CLT

[All music posted on Fancy Plans… is kick ass and too awesome to be contained. All music is also posted temporarily and, due to its high level of ass-kicking, should not be distributed without a prescription and care should be taken while operating heavy equipment or dancing around the living room (clothing optional, but do remember that the blinds are open/kids are still awake).
Should you wish to have your brilliant artistic statement forced back into confinement, please email me at 2timegrime@gmail.com. Feel free to leave a comment, as that will probably be noticed sooner.
By all means, if you like what you hear (and you will), please support the totally rocking artist(s) by purchasing some music or heading out to see them live.]
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Platitudes for a New Millenium Vol. 2

March 9, 2010

And, of course, all the best spots are taken.

“Revenge is a dish best served cold.”  

This phrase stems from the belief that the key to a fulfilling life is holding onto a grudge well past its sell-by date, leading to situations like the following:  

Man: Jake? Is that you? Man, it’s been like… years! How’ve you been?
[BLAM!]
Man: Jesus Christ! My eye! You shot me in my eye!
You: Remember junior prom? When you told Cindy Johnson I had syphilis? And she ditched me and fucked you in the bathroom? I told you I’d make you pay!
Man: Oh, god! Oh, my god! I thought you had syphilis! You were blind in one eye!
[BLAM!]
You: And now you’re blind in both. Oh, and you owe me $77.50 for the tux rental!
  

Or this, more recently:  

You: Are you Salman Rushdie?
Salman: Yes, yes I am.
[BLAM! BLAM!]
You: Huzzah! The Islamic faith is avenged and its fanaticism totally justified! Let’s see you write something heretical with no eyes!
Salman: [faints]
You: Oh, yeah. Stay the fuck away from Cindy Johnson.
  

As you can see, delayed gratification is still gratification. And while the reward money for capping Salman Rushdie will help you pad your legal defense fund, sometimes randomly shooting people in the eyes is its own reward.  

But is bitter and syphilitic any way to go through life? Sure, it worked for Van Gogh and Hitler, but why hold on to all that anger?  

Why not get some of that sweet sweet revenge now?  

Here’s a “for instance:”  

It’s a shitty day. Raining like hell. You decide to head to the mall, perhaps to stock up on ammo. You spy someone backing out of a choice parking spot near the entrance. You turn on your blinker and wait patiently for them to pull out.  

Despite your clear statement of intent via the turn signal, some random asshole in the oncoming lane steals the spot.  

What do you do?  

Your immediate response may be to deploy some reliable stand-bys: the “finger,” the “horn,” the “string of obscenities,” or the “gypsy curse.”  

Unfortunately this will have no effect on this person. Calling him an “asshole” won’t phase him as he probably doesn’t restrict his “dick moves” to mall parking lots. There’s also no real benefit to calling him an asshole in front of his family, either, as they spend every day with him and are well aware of that fact.  

So, now what?  

I suppose you could key his car but I’m guessing that his general assholishness has already seen his vehicle deflowered by multiple keys, both foreign and domestic.  

Here’s what to do:  

Trail him into the mall. Make your move when he is being helped at a service desk or otherwise has several people (in addition to his family) gathered around in earshot. And then… drop one of these on him:  

  • See you at the “thing” tonight. Wear protection.
  • You said you’d “fix it” and now they’re dredging the lake? How’re you going to fix THAT? (Start sobbing hopelessly.)
  • Do they know? How could they not know? (Affect a combination of shock and dismay.)
  • See you at the “thing” tonight. Bring something to sacrifice. Or someone.
  • You pyramid-scheming son of a bitch! It’s all gone! All of it! (Start sobbing and acting “penniless.”)
  • I should violate your ass right now! (Try to sound like a parole officer or this may have unintended consequences.)
  • You’re married?!? How long were you going to keep THIS from me? (Start sobbing inconsolably.)
  • I urinated on your car seat.
  • Sir? I think you left your car on fire.
  • See you at the “thing” tonight. You should be able to find a sponsor at this meeting. You know, for when you’re feeling “gay.”
  • The power of Christ compels you! (Sprinkle liberally with water.)
  • Beware the Ides of March. (Stab liberally.)
  • I urinated in the holy water.
  • See you at the “thing” tonight. Ralph got a 2-for-1 from the local pimp!
  • Nice parking, cockface. (Start sobbing.)

With this time bomb set, you are free to wander the mall. Maybe pick up that Beretta you’ve had your (perfectly good and non-shot) eye on. Or maybe a smaller backup piece, in case something goes awry during your daily face-shooting.  

Your freshly-minted nemesis will suddenly have a lot of explaining to do and no earthly idea where to start.  

To sum up:  

Revenge is dish best served.”  

-CLT

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Heavy Rotation Vol. 35

March 6, 2010

**Links for selections 2-4 are now fixed.**

Another go-round in our nearly-weekly feature, Heavy Rotation. This 35th edition brings with it the promise of a better life on the offworld colonies and black market ocular implants. Just be aware of those around you, especially those with superhuman strength and hypersensitivity to questions about their mothers.

Looking for more great tunes and terrible introductory paragraphs? Search no further than:
The Heavy Rotation Archives 


Sidney Frost – I Miss Mpls.mp3
Normally I wouldn’t recommend minimal techno to the unwashed masses (or the freshly scrubbed, either), as the masses generally tend to point out that “nothing’s happening” or “is that it?” or “still nothing, not even when I do this.” 

This, however, is different. There is indeed a time and a place for minimal techno (specifically: any time in this past decade; Germany), if done well. While this may be short of the hard-banging cheap thrills I normally foist upon you, it does have a lot going on, mainly in between the notes. Listen, if you will, to the distorted and delayed vocal sample. Take an ear gander at the build and release, tastefully appointed and nowhere near garish. 

Perhaps some of this will be lost on your average computer speakers, as music of this genre really demands a nice set of cans and occasionally, mind-altering substances. Barring that, just give it a good listening and see what you think. 

If you like, great! I know where to get more of it and what’s more I know the producer. Personally. Go ahead and step past this velvet rope and ‘roid-raging bouncer. Behold: Sidney Frost, aka my talented DJ/Producer brother. 

Younger than me by far and with the skills that would pay the bills were they able to nail down a solid day job, Sidney Frost has entertained thousands with his minimal techno stylings and tasteful hairdos. He’s become everything I thought I would be back when I consumed my weight in alcohol nightly as the DJ at the local dance club in Midwest Town, USA. 

However, rather than play music he doesn’t like to entertain drunks, Sidney Frost plays music he actually likes to entertain druggies. Which would you prefer to do? Sidney currently splits time between the Twin Cities and Moab, Utah, perversely summering in the South and wintering in the North, like some deranged migratory animal who prefers to have the worst of both worlds. 

This song was his ode to the city he left behind to climb rocks and other such nature stuff in Utah. When summer ended and Sidney returned to his beloved MPLS, he released I Miss Moab on a very-limited 12″ Facebook post. Oh, well. DJs. What can you do with them? 

(Hint: go listen to them and buy their stuff!) 

Also: Sidney Frost on Facebook

Disco of Doom – In Effect.mp3
While I still have you out on the dancefloor… 

Here’s Disco of Doom, the teaming of producers Tom Real and the Rogue Element, with a dark banging track full of electronic goodness, the likes of which you see rarely these days, as everyone is too busy copying everyone else or filtering perfectly usable (and danceable) tracks through some sort of dismantling process and daring you not to respect the mess they’ve made. Four on the floor all the way, save for the killer drop and build. It wants nothing more than to get your ass up and moving. 

Dinowalrus – Nuke Dukem (Mae Shi Remix).mp3

The incredibly titled Dinowalrus, a drum-and-drone duo from Brooklyn, get the re-rinse from experimental punkers and noted Los Angeleans Mae Shi, who turn DW’s athletic space rock into something that sounds like the better downtempo moments of Hybrid or Underworld. Except with more vocals. Blissful beat-based psychedelia that makes a serious play for the role of “driving music.” East meets West and everybody wins! 

Pigface – Chikasaw.mp3

I’ve featured this before, but no video exists for this fine track, which is a nice change of pace from industrial supergroup Pigface’s normal brand of grinding heroin rock. Featuring the female vocal talents of Lesley Rankine (of Ruby, a collaboration with Skinny Puppy member Mark Walk) and features a slow-building, nearly dub-like pace. It’s all about fending off complacency and changing the world around you, which would be doubly inspiring if it weren’t performed by a squad of drug-addicted reprobates. 

Still, it’s a hellaciously good song and a fine addition to anyone’s collection. 

Ennio Morricone – L’Estasi Del Oro (from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly) [Bandini Remix].mp3
Sounds a whole lot like Morricone collaborating with Massive Attack or Juno Reactor. Bandini’s low-key remix toughens up the sound with some tasteful drums and occasional delays and drops. Makes you feel like throwing a poncho over your shoulders and swaggering down the middle of the street, which will preferably be unpaved and searing hot. Squint a bit. There you go.

-CLT 

[All music posted on Fancy Plans… is kick ass and too awesome to be contained. All music is also posted temporarily and, due to its high level of ass-kicking, should not be distributed without a prescription and care should be taken while operating heavy equipment or dancing around the living room (clothing optional, but do remember that the blinds are open/kids are still awake).
Should you wish to have your brilliant artistic statement forced back into confinement, please email me at 2timegrime@gmail.com. Feel free to leave a comment, as that will probably be noticed sooner.
By all means, if you like what you hear (and you will), please support the totally rocking artist(s) by purchasing some music or heading out to see them live.]
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The Amplified Shakespeare: Sonnet XLIV

March 5, 2010

Remember the first edition of The Amplified Shakespeare? How it seemed like it would just be another “one-and-done,” enjoyable for a moment or two before being cast on to the slag heap of abandoned series (Hello Guide to Rock and Roll!) like Grandma’s panties after a bottle of Boone’s Farm?

Ha! Take that, rhetorical questions!

Will.i.am Shakespeare is back. And louder than ever. Prepare to have your minds blown, like so many gas station attendants when Grandma takes the Caddy out for a Sunday afternoon DUI.

The Globe Theatre, where Grandma once threw up, thus earning lifetime expulsion for her and a full refund for everyone else.

Sonnet XLIV

If the dull substance of my flesh were thought,
Thoughts that could stand to lose a few pounds;
Injurious distance should not stop my way,
Like an addled senior driver or an auto insurance con artist;

For then despite of space I would be brought,
With my matter transporter;
From limits far remote, where thou dost stay,
Safely hidden away, behind multiple locks.
And a restraining order.

No matter then although my foot did stand
The sheriff’s office don’t scare me;
Upon the farthest earth remov’d from thee,
Although they responded surprisingly fast, as tho’ thou wast sleeping with one of them;
For nimble thought can jump both sea and land,
I mentioned my matter transporter. Say hello to my Harrier Jump Jet.

As soon as think the place where he would be,
Pawing at you expertly.
(It rhymes!)
But, ah! thought kills me that I am not thought,
(Poetic, non?)
To leap large lengths of miles when thou art gone,
All systems go, um, tango-niner… delta… or whatever…

But that so much of earth and water wrought,
As part of my far-reaching conspiracy theory;
I must attend time’s leisure with my moan,
(Read: jerk off in the shower)
Receiving nought by elements so slow
(Read: the United States Postal Service)
But heavy tears, badges of either’s woe.
Alcohol’s a depressant. Who knew?
(It certainly surprised my poker buddies.)

[This semi-educational post brought to you in part by Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Pants Party, in conjunction with the Vajazzler! Look for it in finer boutiques today!]

-CLT

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Life’s Little Lessons Vol. 5 – The Third-Person Miracle of Childbirth or Renting Out Your Uterus for Fun and Profit

March 2, 2010

The pros refer to it as "Transverse Vaginal Adoption."

You may often find yourself overwhelmed by the problems of the world and ask yourself, “Self, how can just one person make a difference?” 

The truth is: you can’t. Not only can one person not make a difference but these persons should waste less time trying and/or asking pointless, rhetorical questions. 

The question may be even more troubling if you are a woman. But take heart: while it has been scientifically proven that there are any number of things women can’t do (become president; play pro basketball in a plausible fashion), it turns out that there are many things they can do (file sexual harassment suits; make less money; keep up with the laundry). 

In fact, there is one “job” that women are perfectly suited for: carrying a stranger’s child to term. 

Most, if not all of you, have experienced the small but heart stopping thrill of missing a period. As you backdate your one-night stands and attempt to put names to faces, you may have briefly entertained thoughts of raising the offspring of a near-stranger, whom you have nicknamed “Abercrombie,” thanks to the sweatshirt he left behind. 

There are childless couples all over the world who are unable to carry their own children to term for any number of reasons (botched appendectomy, a lifetime of drug abuse, curse from an angry God/gypsy). This is your opportunity to finally use your reproductive powers for good! 

Should you decide to aid these pitifully unfulfilled men and women by using your body as some sort of obstetrical petri dish, don’t worry: you will not need to have sex with the father. 

In fact, it’s probably better if you stop asking that question repeatedly in such desperate tones. The father-to-be, whose seed has frequently fallen on rocky soil (and even more frequently, on the shower floor) may be only too willing to take you up on your generous offer. 

No, your place is to provide a hospitable environment for the growing child. Think of your reproductive system as a home. While in the past, this “home” was often low-rent housing requiring no credit check, where nearly anybody could get in (and, consequently, often resulted in multiple “evictions” and “lock-changings”), it’s now time to upgrade to a lower-end condo at the minimum. 

Once the embryo is safely installed, you will now be ready to face the next challenge: a brand new set of parents! 

The barren couple you are pinch-hitting for will now have a focal point for their anxiety, frustration and self-hatred: you. 

Be prepared to give up all control of your life for the next nine months as your new “parents” decide everything for you, from your breakfast cereal (Total or Special K only) to your bedtime (earlier and earlier). They will be ceaselessly intrusive and have hundreds of pointers, tips and other advice for you to follow. 

Want to crank up some AC/DC while getting your morning coffee going?
Too bad! Instead you’ll be listening/watching Baby Mozart while sipping 100% organic chamomile tea! 

Looking forward to an easy, drug-filled delivery?
Not anymore! Say “hello” to a midwife-directed kiddie pool delivery attended by hundred of sandaled strangers! 

(Oh, and by the way, smoking crack to control birth weight is obviously no longer an option.) 

As the pressure from the expectant (but otherwise useless) biological parents combines with the tiring grind of hosting a parasite, you may soon find yourself looking for even a momentary escape from it all. 

ESCAPE TO SUNNY MEXICO!

 

Looking to get away? Disappear? Avoid extradition? 

Come to sunny MEXICO! 

Beautiful Mexico is home to a large number of beaches, resorts, bars and casinos! 

Take advantage of our favorable exchange rate and relaxed morality while enjoying our refreshing lack of invasive questions and potable water! 

Whether you’re looking to terminate a suddenly unwanted pregnancy or start a new family under an assumed name, Mexico has got you covered! 

See why millions of Americans are calling Mexico “the REAL land of opportunity!” 

Se habla espanol!

-CLT