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Platitudes for a New Millenium Vol. 2

March 9, 2010

And, of course, all the best spots are taken.

“Revenge is a dish best served cold.”  

This phrase stems from the belief that the key to a fulfilling life is holding onto a grudge well past its sell-by date, leading to situations like the following:  

Man: Jake? Is that you? Man, it’s been like… years! How’ve you been?
[BLAM!]
Man: Jesus Christ! My eye! You shot me in my eye!
You: Remember junior prom? When you told Cindy Johnson I had syphilis? And she ditched me and fucked you in the bathroom? I told you I’d make you pay!
Man: Oh, god! Oh, my god! I thought you had syphilis! You were blind in one eye!
[BLAM!]
You: And now you’re blind in both. Oh, and you owe me $77.50 for the tux rental!
  

Or this, more recently:  

You: Are you Salman Rushdie?
Salman: Yes, yes I am.
[BLAM! BLAM!]
You: Huzzah! The Islamic faith is avenged and its fanaticism totally justified! Let’s see you write something heretical with no eyes!
Salman: [faints]
You: Oh, yeah. Stay the fuck away from Cindy Johnson.
  

As you can see, delayed gratification is still gratification. And while the reward money for capping Salman Rushdie will help you pad your legal defense fund, sometimes randomly shooting people in the eyes is its own reward.  

But is bitter and syphilitic any way to go through life? Sure, it worked for Van Gogh and Hitler, but why hold on to all that anger?  

Why not get some of that sweet sweet revenge now?  

Here’s a “for instance:”  

It’s a shitty day. Raining like hell. You decide to head to the mall, perhaps to stock up on ammo. You spy someone backing out of a choice parking spot near the entrance. You turn on your blinker and wait patiently for them to pull out.  

Despite your clear statement of intent via the turn signal, some random asshole in the oncoming lane steals the spot.  

What do you do?  

Your immediate response may be to deploy some reliable stand-bys: the “finger,” the “horn,” the “string of obscenities,” or the “gypsy curse.”  

Unfortunately this will have no effect on this person. Calling him an “asshole” won’t phase him as he probably doesn’t restrict his “dick moves” to mall parking lots. There’s also no real benefit to calling him an asshole in front of his family, either, as they spend every day with him and are well aware of that fact.  

So, now what?  

I suppose you could key his car but I’m guessing that his general assholishness has already seen his vehicle deflowered by multiple keys, both foreign and domestic.  

Here’s what to do:  

Trail him into the mall. Make your move when he is being helped at a service desk or otherwise has several people (in addition to his family) gathered around in earshot. And then… drop one of these on him:  

  • See you at the “thing” tonight. Wear protection.
  • You said you’d “fix it” and now they’re dredging the lake? How’re you going to fix THAT? (Start sobbing hopelessly.)
  • Do they know? How could they not know? (Affect a combination of shock and dismay.)
  • See you at the “thing” tonight. Bring something to sacrifice. Or someone.
  • You pyramid-scheming son of a bitch! It’s all gone! All of it! (Start sobbing and acting “penniless.”)
  • I should violate your ass right now! (Try to sound like a parole officer or this may have unintended consequences.)
  • You’re married?!? How long were you going to keep THIS from me? (Start sobbing inconsolably.)
  • I urinated on your car seat.
  • Sir? I think you left your car on fire.
  • See you at the “thing” tonight. You should be able to find a sponsor at this meeting. You know, for when you’re feeling “gay.”
  • The power of Christ compels you! (Sprinkle liberally with water.)
  • Beware the Ides of March. (Stab liberally.)
  • I urinated in the holy water.
  • See you at the “thing” tonight. Ralph got a 2-for-1 from the local pimp!
  • Nice parking, cockface. (Start sobbing.)

With this time bomb set, you are free to wander the mall. Maybe pick up that Beretta you’ve had your (perfectly good and non-shot) eye on. Or maybe a smaller backup piece, in case something goes awry during your daily face-shooting.  

Your freshly-minted nemesis will suddenly have a lot of explaining to do and no earthly idea where to start.  

To sum up:  

Revenge is dish best served.”  

-CLT

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27 comments

  1. Wonderful advice CLT.

    Giving someone the finger or calling them an asshole is the lazy man’s revenge. If you want real satisfaction you need to work at it a little bit. Even if it does mean having to take the occasional leak in the holy water.

    Personally, I think using the “thing” tonight is always the way to go in these situations. It allows everyone involved to jump to the worst possible conclusions.

    Great stuff!

    p.s. what’s with everyone referencing Hitler? Did I miss a memo?


  2. The “thing” is so open-ended, it should be illegal (and in certain cases it probably is, what with libel suits and all). It’s my go-to for when things need muddifying.

    For example: “What are you guys doing at that ‘thing’ every Thursday? Seems like you need a certain hat and handshake and what appears to be high-powered automatic rifles.”

    As to your p.s.: yes. It was posted over at the WordPress blog. Seemed sort of mandatory.


  3. This was brilliant CLT! I can see the you’ve read The Art of War or The Prince…maybe both. I can’t help but join in, my general assholishness insists upon it.

    Same scenario…

    See you on Povich next week DADDY.
    You’re doing great brother, remember one day at a time because crack is whack.
    He was my brother you bastard, and he was only 9!
    Sorry about that 5k dude…you gotta watch those full houses huh?

    Enlist the help of a little boy..
    That’s the man who tried to touch me! -Pointing
    Daddy who are these people? Why haven’t you come home? -Sobbing

    Or you could just slip some merchandise, blood stained panties and a plethora of illicit drugs in his bag and yell “thief.”


    • Not only have I glanced at the covers of those two fine books, I’ve actually skimmed them while waiting in line at Walgreens. Fascinating stuff, I’m sure, with nary a picture in sight to grab the attention or distract from the message.

      I welcome your general assholishness, Scott. It allows me to poach lines for future installments. We all help each other out this way. It’s what makes blogging America’s pasttime. (And Spain’s, in this particular case.)

      I think the last suggestion has the most power: the possibility of a long criminal investigation that ultimately ends in an innocent person being thrown into jail thanks to a defective judicial system.

      It’s win-win! (Except for the arrestee.)


  4. May I share a tidbit of wisdom I have learned over the years? I call it the daily ‘one free pass’. My brilliant ex-business partner summed it up nicely one day when he observed we are “swimming in a sea of idiots.” They are ubiquitous: the clerks who ignore you and whom you have to beg to take your money, telephone customer service, the jerk who brazenly steals your parking space/nudges you dangerously off the Interstate. I have a very volatile nature and it doesn’t take much to ignite the fuse. Somehow, it gives me both relief and satisfaction that someone has been the recipient of my free pass and we are both excused. I try to imagine all sorts of horrors they may be going through that made them assholish/incompetent (spouse schtupping the neighbor, herpetic flares, bankruptcy, kid with defiant oppositional disorder, best friend suffering from drug resistant TB, wasp nests at both their front and back doors, itchy burning piles and no way to scratch, etc., etc. Of course, once you have exhausted the free pass, you are free to engage in Plan B on the next guy which is revenge served cold. (And please grant me that one free pass if you have the bad luck to stand behind me at the cashier clutching my coupons and returns and asking the cashier the price on everything she rings up so I am sure I got the right sale item…please).


    • Elizabeth, that is a fine suggestion. One free pass. You can threateningly tell the recipient, “Everybody gets one,” and leave them wondering what the future holds for them.

      You may also point out to them that their assholishness has just ruined a complete stranger’s day, as all hell will break loose at the next irritation/inconvenience/dark alley mugging. Let them know that they are responsible for Asshole B being permanently installed on the next jackass who starts fronting, or whatever.

      Or you could always just trim back your face shootings to every other person.

      e3h, I’ll always give you the free pass, as I hate to lose loyal readers over something as minorly irritating as being fiscally aware when shopping. If more people paid more attention at the checkout, we wouldn’t be paying higher prices to make up for cashier mistakes. It’s all very cyclical OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, I’LL BUY THE GODDAMNED THING! JUST ADD HERS AND MINE AND I’LL PERSONALLY REIMBURSE YOU FOR YOUR COUPONS OUT OF THE CHANGE IN MY GLOVE COMPARTMENT! THE REST OF US HAVE PLACES TO GO AND PEOPLE TO SHOOT!


    • Wow, I am going to have to rethink my strategy of one free pass. “Every other’ doesn’t quite sound fair either. Perhaps a scaled back response (equivalent to a ‘half pass’).

      P.S. No one is ever behind me at the cashier since I shop between 4 and 5 am. It affords me choice parking and the undivided attention of the cashier. But, thanks for your offer to pick up the tab on my coupons.


  5. I prefer the anonymous route to revenge for past slights, real or perceived. Keeping them guessing is way more fun than “That bastid jammer!” Sitting back, reading the paper, and the article reading, “Gosh, I didn’t recognize the individual who cut off my left arm,” over a cup of fresh brew, brings satisfaction to no end. Now I just gotta figure out what to do with that damn left arm.


    • J5, that is some real wisdom there. Anonymity is the key, as is limb removal, which is often an unexpected touch.

      Keep those limbs on ice and see if you can’t find some third-world quack to sew them on and turn you into some sort of Frankenstein’s monster/Vishnu combination. That would be awesome! You’d earn the respect of children everywhere and not be allowed anywhere near them. Win-win. In fact, more win-win than the defective judicial system I was talking up with Scott earlier.


    • Excellent suggestion. Not being allowed near the young bastids is always good for the soul. I was thinking of attaching the spare arm to my knee so I could scratch my nuts and still type at the same time.


  6. Ingenious, CLT.

    Not only did your tag-line reference lyrics to the song that triggered my “Alternative Rock” phase (I needed a fall-back after my “New Kids” phase was viciously ripped from my “Joey McIntyre 4-Eva” arms), but “Cockface” is a word I try to use as often as humanely possible (although no longer during job interviews, having learned the hard way).

    What’s my point?

    ?

    Well, although that wasn’t supposed to be a rhetorical question, thanks to your lack of response, I will treat it as one. My point is that thanks to you, my friends are never going to hear the end of “See you at the “thing” tonight, bring…(well, it will depend on the situation, I guess)”.

    Yes, I do realize it’s something you’re supposed to say to an enemy, or someone who has wronged you for that matter, but like I always tell them, “you have to start somewhere, Cockface”.

    Fantastic work, CLT. If there were such thing as an “anti-Nobel Peace prize” award, you’d get my vote.


    • Nothing says vindictive blogging like a Filter reference. Especially a reference from back when they were good, rather than aping the slower Chili Peppers tracks. (Remember when they were good? … I thought I did, too, but it seems more and more like it was some sort of early-90’s mass hallucination.)

      I appreciate you spreading the word to potential acolytes, bschooled. A great word like “cockface” can’t be used too early or too often. Get in on the ground floor before it becomes tiring and nauseating like “badonkadonk” or “eharmony.”

      The “thing” thing is the thing, though. The more vaguely ominous/illegal it seems, the greater the impact. You can automatically create guilt by association with one simple sentence.

      Thanks for the nomination and hellacious comment, b. I’m looking forward to not accepting this anti-award by satellite whilst boning up on my face shooting skills.

      (No doubt this last sentence will be excerpted by blog scrapers as “boning up on my face.”)


  7. Hey, Professor…

    See you at that thing tonight, and bring… you know…


    • I’ve always got plenty of “stuff” to be taking to “things.” And the free time to do it.

      Thanks for visiting under your assumed name and storefront-esque face, Tracy. Always good to see you again, sort of.


    • Assumed name? hah! So what do you think of my new look? Miss the regular assumed me? I can come visit with that face if you prefer?


    • You can come visit wearing any face you like, Tracy/CC/Barnhills. Just make sure to bring the Boone’s Farm.


    • I had to scroll through the comments 4 times before I found myself.

      Screw the Boone’s.. I’m bringing Vodka!


  8. I’m taking notes, CLT, before I start a hellacious job on Monday, and I’m loaded for bear.

    It won’t last long. I’ll be sure to report back.


    • If you take all you’ve learned here (and granted that won’t be much) and apply it, you should be back on the dole by Monday afternoon.

      You will, however, get to call someone “cockface,” which is rewarding in a very non-monetary sort of way. (For a monetary reward, add “cockface” to the end of your stick-up note.)


  9. You’re right of course CLT, why should Islam have all the fun. You may want to peruse Clausewitz while your giving someone a free pass at Walgreen’s. I think he is the one who came up with the phrase, “The Fog of Revenge.” Nice.


    • Islam should definitely NOT have all the fun. In fact, they’ve pretty much sucked all the fun out of anything they’ve been involved with, starting with erasing any evidence of female skin and ending with sending you out strapped with explosives to “make a point.”

      I will look into this Clausewitz fellow. He seems to the sort of deep reading material I need when waiting in line at Walgreens. I’ll just put his weighty tome on top of my stack of condoms, lubricants and various mysterious Burt’s Bees products.


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  11. You have inspired me yet again. I make a promise to “get wronged” this week just so I may seek out revenge!


    • Quite a life to be inspired to live. “One man. Searching to be wronged. And searching to quickly correct it. The Revengenator.” Cue sound of gunshots and cries of “Cockface!”


  12. Straight to DVD?


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