Platitudes for a New Millenium Vol. 2March 9, 2010
“Revenge is a dish best served cold.”
This phrase stems from the belief that the key to a fulfilling life is holding onto a grudge well past its sell-by date, leading to situations like the following:
Man: Jake? Is that you? Man, it’s been like… years! How’ve you been?
Man: Jesus Christ! My eye! You shot me in my eye!
You: Remember junior prom? When you told Cindy Johnson I had syphilis? And she ditched me and fucked you in the bathroom? I told you I’d make you pay!
Man: Oh, god! Oh, my god! I thought you had syphilis! You were blind in one eye!
You: And now you’re blind in both. Oh, and you owe me $77.50 for the tux rental!
Or this, more recently:
You: Are you Salman Rushdie?
Salman: Yes, yes I am.
You: Huzzah! The Islamic faith is avenged and its fanaticism totally justified! Let’s see you write something heretical with no eyes!
You: Oh, yeah. Stay the fuck away from Cindy Johnson.
As you can see, delayed gratification is still gratification. And while the reward money for capping Salman Rushdie will help you pad your legal defense fund, sometimes randomly shooting people in the eyes is its own reward.
But is bitter and syphilitic any way to go through life? Sure, it worked for Van Gogh and Hitler, but why hold on to all that anger?
Why not get some of that sweet sweet revenge now?
Here’s a “for instance:”
It’s a shitty day. Raining like hell. You decide to head to the mall, perhaps to stock up on ammo. You spy someone backing out of a choice parking spot near the entrance. You turn on your blinker and wait patiently for them to pull out.
Despite your clear statement of intent via the turn signal, some random asshole in the oncoming lane steals the spot.
What do you do?
Your immediate response may be to deploy some reliable stand-bys: the “finger,” the “horn,” the “string of obscenities,” or the “gypsy curse.”
Unfortunately this will have no effect on this person. Calling him an “asshole” won’t phase him as he probably doesn’t restrict his “dick moves” to mall parking lots. There’s also no real benefit to calling him an asshole in front of his family, either, as they spend every day with him and are well aware of that fact.
So, now what?
I suppose you could key his car but I’m guessing that his general assholishness has already seen his vehicle deflowered by multiple keys, both foreign and domestic.
Here’s what to do:
Trail him into the mall. Make your move when he is being helped at a service desk or otherwise has several people (in addition to his family) gathered around in earshot. And then… drop one of these on him:
- See you at the “thing” tonight. Wear protection.
- You said you’d “fix it” and now they’re dredging the lake? How’re you going to fix THAT? (Start sobbing hopelessly.)
- Do they know? How could they not know? (Affect a combination of shock and dismay.)
- See you at the “thing” tonight. Bring something to sacrifice. Or someone.
- You pyramid-scheming son of a bitch! It’s all gone! All of it! (Start sobbing and acting “penniless.”)
- I should violate your ass right now! (Try to sound like a parole officer or this may have unintended consequences.)
- You’re married?!? How long were you going to keep THIS from me? (Start sobbing inconsolably.)
- I urinated on your car seat.
- Sir? I think you left your car on fire.
- See you at the “thing” tonight. You should be able to find a sponsor at this meeting. You know, for when you’re feeling “gay.”
- The power of Christ compels you! (Sprinkle liberally with water.)
- Beware the Ides of March. (Stab liberally.)
- I urinated in the holy water.
- See you at the “thing” tonight. Ralph got a 2-for-1 from the local pimp!
- Nice parking, cockface. (Start sobbing.)
With this time bomb set, you are free to wander the mall. Maybe pick up that Beretta you’ve had your (perfectly good and non-shot) eye on. Or maybe a smaller backup piece, in case something goes awry during your daily face-shooting.
Your freshly-minted nemesis will suddenly have a lot of explaining to do and no earthly idea where to start.
To sum up:
“Revenge is dish best served.”