The Amplified Shakespeare: Sonnet XLIV

March 5, 2010

Remember the first edition of The Amplified Shakespeare? How it seemed like it would just be another “one-and-done,” enjoyable for a moment or two before being cast on to the slag heap of abandoned series (Hello Guide to Rock and Roll!) like Grandma’s panties after a bottle of Boone’s Farm?

Ha! Take that, rhetorical questions!

Will.i.am Shakespeare is back. And louder than ever. Prepare to have your minds blown, like so many gas station attendants when Grandma takes the Caddy out for a Sunday afternoon DUI.

The Globe Theatre, where Grandma once threw up, thus earning lifetime expulsion for her and a full refund for everyone else.

Sonnet XLIV

If the dull substance of my flesh were thought,
Thoughts that could stand to lose a few pounds;
Injurious distance should not stop my way,
Like an addled senior driver or an auto insurance con artist;

For then despite of space I would be brought,
With my matter transporter;
From limits far remote, where thou dost stay,
Safely hidden away, behind multiple locks.
And a restraining order.

No matter then although my foot did stand
The sheriff’s office don’t scare me;
Upon the farthest earth remov’d from thee,
Although they responded surprisingly fast, as tho’ thou wast sleeping with one of them;
For nimble thought can jump both sea and land,
I mentioned my matter transporter. Say hello to my Harrier Jump Jet.

As soon as think the place where he would be,
Pawing at you expertly.
(It rhymes!)
But, ah! thought kills me that I am not thought,
(Poetic, non?)
To leap large lengths of miles when thou art gone,
All systems go, um, tango-niner… delta… or whatever…

But that so much of earth and water wrought,
As part of my far-reaching conspiracy theory;
I must attend time’s leisure with my moan,
(Read: jerk off in the shower)
Receiving nought by elements so slow
(Read: the United States Postal Service)
But heavy tears, badges of either’s woe.
Alcohol’s a depressant. Who knew?
(It certainly surprised my poker buddies.)

[This semi-educational post brought to you in part by Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Pants Party, in conjunction with the Vajazzler! Look for it in finer boutiques today!]



  1. Just when I had finally purged my mind of the horrific memory of looking through the bathroom keyhole and seeing the backside of naked Grandma toweling off after stepping out of the tub, you had to mention Grandma’s panties and BOOM!! it all came back. That was my first glimpse of cellulite and clumpy-lumpy fleisch and it deeply traumatized me. A merging of Black Eyed Peas and Shakespeare? You have taken me to a celestial place. Why, I felt like a (drunk) chemistry professor zipping along in the Star Trek Enterprise while reading about the elements, and traversing the ‘Final Frontier’ of emotional longing (or something). This may all be remnants of that Boone’s Farm overdose at age 13 (or was it 14?).

    • On second thought, make that ancient Greeks zipping around… I boobed up on Fundamentals blog last night and realized I did the same here…really need more sleep…zzzzzzzzzzzz

    • Greeks, Trekkies, Grandma’s panties… it all reads the same. Thanks for the compliments and mangled metaphors, e3h. The warning labels on the Boone’s Farm fortified wines were never large enough or even present. We all learned the hard way. Much like the Trekkies. Or the ancient Greeks.

  2. Cognitive decline…mangled metaphors…it all started with that single bottle of Boone’s Farm (you had to remind me of that too).

    • I was always partial to Snow Creek Berry. Then I discovered Vodka, which allows you to mix anything with it and have a drink. Sayonara, oversized wine cooler!

  3. This was beautiful, CLT.

    Con artists, restraining orders, moaning during leisure time, alcohol—it’s like what I always imagined Shakespeare would have said himself, were he to co-star in the movie 8-Mile, going up against Jimmy “B-Rabbit” Smith in the final round of the freestyle competition.

    Sure, B-Rabbit had the attitude and the whole rhyming thing going for him, but Shakespeare had the Iambic pentameters, not to mention the old school style of humor that you just don’t see anymore these centuries.

    Great stuff, CLT. I will never look at anyone I date who says they must “attend time’s leisure with my moan” in the same way again.

    Or at all, for that matter.

    • Thanks very much, bschooled. I’m sure the Bard would have been “down” with the 8-Mile crowd. He could sling rhymes like nobody’s business (except Christopher Marlowe’s).

      Fortunately, he lived in a more genteel time, where he didn’t have to worry about somebody “gettin all up in his grill” or laughing their ass off whenever he delivered a line like, “attend time’s leisure with my moan.”

      Yeah, Will. That’s what yo mamma said. When she wasn’t telling you to knock me out.

      Perhaps eye contact isn’t wise until the 5th or 6th “date.”

      Wow, quotation marks sure are powerful. They’re positively innuendous!

  4. Haha, all I could think of when reading this Sonnet was it being delivered by Pierce Brosnan accompanied by sampled bowel sounds.

    I pray thee not to think ill of me gentle Tamer and forgive thusly any offense I may have brought to thy humble office.

    • I didn’t have the bowels/Pierce lined up for this, but I will in the future. God knows my bowels/Pierce could use the work.

      For a second there I read “office” as “orifice.” I was relieved when I realized I had read it wrong/was not Pierce Brosnan.

  5. Damn CLT, is there anything that you can not do? You are an artist my brother from a another mother. You made me shed tattoo tears, and I won’t be able to sleep for multiple years….ok that wasn’t ‘me’ but it says what I wanted to say.

    You must have had a hell of a grandmother. She sounds like every member of my long deceased family.

    • Tattoo tears are painful and they often keep you from being gainfully employed. Since you live in Spain and blog, I would imagine that being gainfully employed has not been a concern for a long time.

      She was an amazing lady, my grandmother. She had a rap sheet as long as Ron Jeremy’s… um… arm.

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  8. Is this offered as a class at CLTU?

    • If it isn’t, it should be. I’ll get my best people right on it. They currently include Dirk Cussler, York Mills and that guy who hangs out at the bus stop and seems pretty “with it” when it comes to Zionist conspiracy theories.

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