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Life’s Little Lessons Vol. 5 – The Third-Person Miracle of Childbirth or Renting Out Your Uterus for Fun and Profit

March 2, 2010

The pros refer to it as "Transverse Vaginal Adoption."

You may often find yourself overwhelmed by the problems of the world and ask yourself, “Self, how can just one person make a difference?” 

The truth is: you can’t. Not only can one person not make a difference but these persons should waste less time trying and/or asking pointless, rhetorical questions. 

The question may be even more troubling if you are a woman. But take heart: while it has been scientifically proven that there are any number of things women can’t do (become president; play pro basketball in a plausible fashion), it turns out that there are many things they can do (file sexual harassment suits; make less money; keep up with the laundry). 

In fact, there is one “job” that women are perfectly suited for: carrying a stranger’s child to term. 

Most, if not all of you, have experienced the small but heart stopping thrill of missing a period. As you backdate your one-night stands and attempt to put names to faces, you may have briefly entertained thoughts of raising the offspring of a near-stranger, whom you have nicknamed “Abercrombie,” thanks to the sweatshirt he left behind. 

There are childless couples all over the world who are unable to carry their own children to term for any number of reasons (botched appendectomy, a lifetime of drug abuse, curse from an angry God/gypsy). This is your opportunity to finally use your reproductive powers for good! 

Should you decide to aid these pitifully unfulfilled men and women by using your body as some sort of obstetrical petri dish, don’t worry: you will not need to have sex with the father. 

In fact, it’s probably better if you stop asking that question repeatedly in such desperate tones. The father-to-be, whose seed has frequently fallen on rocky soil (and even more frequently, on the shower floor) may be only too willing to take you up on your generous offer. 

No, your place is to provide a hospitable environment for the growing child. Think of your reproductive system as a home. While in the past, this “home” was often low-rent housing requiring no credit check, where nearly anybody could get in (and, consequently, often resulted in multiple “evictions” and “lock-changings”), it’s now time to upgrade to a lower-end condo at the minimum. 

Once the embryo is safely installed, you will now be ready to face the next challenge: a brand new set of parents! 

The barren couple you are pinch-hitting for will now have a focal point for their anxiety, frustration and self-hatred: you. 

Be prepared to give up all control of your life for the next nine months as your new “parents” decide everything for you, from your breakfast cereal (Total or Special K only) to your bedtime (earlier and earlier). They will be ceaselessly intrusive and have hundreds of pointers, tips and other advice for you to follow. 

Want to crank up some AC/DC while getting your morning coffee going?
Too bad! Instead you’ll be listening/watching Baby Mozart while sipping 100% organic chamomile tea! 

Looking forward to an easy, drug-filled delivery?
Not anymore! Say “hello” to a midwife-directed kiddie pool delivery attended by hundred of sandaled strangers! 

(Oh, and by the way, smoking crack to control birth weight is obviously no longer an option.) 

As the pressure from the expectant (but otherwise useless) biological parents combines with the tiring grind of hosting a parasite, you may soon find yourself looking for even a momentary escape from it all. 

ESCAPE TO SUNNY MEXICO!

 

Looking to get away? Disappear? Avoid extradition? 

Come to sunny MEXICO! 

Beautiful Mexico is home to a large number of beaches, resorts, bars and casinos! 

Take advantage of our favorable exchange rate and relaxed morality while enjoying our refreshing lack of invasive questions and potable water! 

Whether you’re looking to terminate a suddenly unwanted pregnancy or start a new family under an assumed name, Mexico has got you covered! 

See why millions of Americans are calling Mexico “the REAL land of opportunity!” 

Se habla espanol!

-CLT 

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23 comments

  1. As nursing students, it was required to be present during at least one delivery. When the time came and the baby ’emerged’, I fled the room crying hysterically least I upset the mother. It is a miracle I gave birth to two children (both elective C-sections and both times heavily medicated post-birth). Has anyone does a cost analysis of how many week-long trips one could make to five star resorts in, say, Cancún or Puerto Vallarta for the price of raising a child from birth to 18 years of age? (Not that I would want to…)


    • No one has done that cost analysis because it just depresses the hell out of everyone. (Mainly parents and resort owners.)

      At least the no-longer-expectant mother was comforted by the sound of your hysterics and escaping footsteps, which in her mind must have signified that she had just given birth to possibly the ugliest baby ever. With any luck, her husband or boyfriend or live-in pool boy was there to comfort her and should the blame for the child’s hideousness.

      Great to see you, e3h. You always have the best (and mostly pertinent) anecdotes.


    • I have anecdotes galore! Like the first time I had to catheterize a female patient and my nursing instructor shouted “that’s the CLIT, not the URETHRA!!” (I found my niche in psychiatry).


    • HAHAHA!

      (Sorry to interrupt, I just had to get that off my chest…or should I say Urethra)


    • Nothing like a bunch of oddly aroused women urinating in their beds. It’s like something out of German porn.


  2. Damn, you mean impregnating them by my lonesome self is out of the question? I friggin hate shower floors.


    • I’m not sure, j5. They do all sorts of amazing stuff in labs now, ensuring you that you can have a child without all that annoying sexual intercourse.

      With all the “magic” removed, you can finally be assured that your intentions were pure and that you’ll never have any emotional attachement for anyone involved in the sterile, clinical experience. (And that includes the child.)

      Wonderful to see you again, j5.


    • Talk about taking all the fun out of it. Next thing you know they’ll be raising em in test tu . . .damn, never mind.


  3. Call me self-absorbed, but I almsot feel as though this life lesson was meant just for me, CLT.

    The only problem is that the lesson is a day late and a peso short. Not to mention the fact that it happened the other way around, starting with the escape to sunny Mexico. Oh, and there were no biological parents involved either. Or petri dishes, for that matter.

    But he was a stranger, if that counts for anything!

    *awkward silence as mariachi band plays in the distance*

    Wonderful stuff, CLT. Any post with the words “Fun”, “Profit” and “Uterus” in the title, is an epic win in my “What to Expect When You’re Expecting What You Didn’t Expect” book.


    • I’m not one to call people self-absorbed, what with my constant pleas for attention via the written word.

      However, as you can clearly see, this post (like most of the Life Little Lesson volumes before it) is about Elizabeth Hersh.

      I’m looking forward to the release of your elliptically-titled opus, bschooled. Should help to almost start not clearing things up for those who are in most need of assistance they didn’t think they were in need of.


  4. Certainly, the vagina gets most of the headlines, but the uterus has comedic value as well, as you so deftly reveal. Nice.


    • It’s that old thing about judging a book by its cover, so to speak. The real action’s on the inside, away from public view and probing appendages (gynecologists not included).


  5. Very nice work CLT and very, very funny.

    I particularly liked the metaphor of the reproductive system as a home. (Or at least a rental property.)


    • Thanks much, Don.

      It’s a good metaphor, one which brings with it a wealth of “slams” against the uterus-holder in question. And it’s much more subtle than just calling them “the town pump.”


  6. Well written and hilarious CLT but I’m not such a fan of giving these women ‘options’ or ‘ideas’ though. I happen to run a pimp your womb service here and I can’t have you messing things up for me. Thank god, my girls aren’t allowed any internet privileges or I’d be hunting them down in the streets of Mexico right now.

    So do me a favor….keep this shit on the DL.

    Got to keep my pimp hand strong.


    • Sorry to blow your cover there, Scott. I thought some competition might be healthy. As for the DL, I assume that the 50 or so pageviews might be DL enough, but that damn “Richard Simmons” search keeps bringing in the daytime crowd. No doubt they went elsewhere in less than a paragraph, but the damage may already be done.

      In lieu of a real apology, please take these anabolic steroids, which will keep your “pimp hand” strong and your junk nearly nonexistent.


  7. Hello my genius, talented, and entertaining Professor!I’ve really missed you while I’ve been on a secluded island for the last month, luckily,a whale finally swam by with a cell phone stuck in his blowhole and I managed to wrestle it away from him and call for help. Or at least pizza delivery.

    But now I’m back http://onlyatbarnhills.wordpress.com/
    I have to catch up!


    • Great job on the “whale-wrangling,” Claire. As you can see, I’ve done nothing with the place since you’ve been gone except send RF Interference away on self-imposed hiatus.

      However, he returned tonight in fine (if brief) form, so there’s no need to continue with the last digit of 911.

      Great to see you again, Claire.


  8. I almost want to rent out my uterus. My one problem is I don’t have a uterus so I’ll have to borrow someone else’s uterus to rent out.


    • Well, if you can rent someone else’s uterus, you could be headed down the road to the prosperous world of uterus subletting. What works in NYC should theoretically work right there inside the human body.

      Thanks for the visit and comment, Ahmnodt.


  9. […] Capitalist F. Lion Tamer: The Amplified and Hewitt-Approved Shakespeare and Renting Out Your Uterus for Fun and Profit […]


  10. No one said, “The only dumb rhetorical question, is the one answered.”

    Your public service should be awarded.


    • I’ve been offered several rewards, mostly in the form of libel lawsuits and angry letters to the editor.



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