The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 6

February 26, 2010

Well, well, well. Look who’s back. And you thought we’d all forgotten about you.

How could we, what with your “Best-Selling Book in the World Ever”  status and your constant unwelcome presence in our hotel room drawers when all we need is the SpectraVision guide.

Say “hello” (again) to the Bible, as translated by Fancy Pants, Inc. LLC.

Previous abominations available here:
The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Archives

King Josiah leans in to hear the punchline of the latest "Garfield."

1 The words of Jeremiah the son of Hilkiah, of the priests that were in Anathoth in the land of Benjamin: (This will be on the test.)

2 To whom the word of the LORD came in the days of Josiah the son of Amon king of Judah, in the thirteenth year of his reign. (Again, on the test, but worded badly.)

3 It came also in the days of Jehoiakim the son of Josiah king of Judah, unto the end of the eleventh year of Zedekiah the son of Josiah king of Judah, unto the carrying away of Jerusalem captive in the fifth month. Due to the “carrying away,” if you re-secure Jerusalem, you’ll need to stop by the courthouse for a lien release ($17.50).

4 Then the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, (in verbal ALL CAPS, as is the LORD’s m.o.)

5 Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations. It’s called “predestined.” I do a lot of it. It’s like “premeditated” but it’s tougher to hang a sentence on, especially in Southern courts.

6 Then said I, Ah, Lord GOD! behold, I cannot speak: for I am a child. I mean, not literally, but more in the “I really don’t want to do this” sort of way.

7 But the LORD said unto me, Stop being such a baby. Say not, I am a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shall send thee, and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt speak. Like a puppet. Or the BJU student body.

8 Be not afraid of their faces: for I am with thee to deliver thee, saith the LORD. Or at least, don’t make that horrible “OMG!” face. You know the one I’m talking about. They’re very sensitive about their hideous faces.

9 Then the LORD put forth his hand, and touched my mouth. And the LORD said unto me, Behold, I have put my words in thy mouth. And I said, Did you have to put your words in my mouth with so much tongue? That kind of touching is kind of inappropriate.

10 See, I have this day set thee over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out, and to pull down, and to destroy, and to throw down, to build, and to plant. To kick ass, to chew bubblegum, to serve in that You Got Served sort of way. (Rather than in that pussy-ass “How may I help you?” sort of way.)

11 Moreover the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, Jeremiah, what seest thou? And I said, I see a rod of an almond tree, which reminds me, what hast thou put so many anatomically correct trees all over? I’ve got a million H.R. complaints to wade through from the last harvest.

King Josiah reaches for his ankh-sword and prepares to "cut a (Baal-worshipping and bearded) bitch."

12 Then said the LORD unto me, Thou hast well seen: for I will hasten my word to perform it. And I said, It’s kind of hard to miss, what with the length and girth of their roddiness… What was the last part?

13 And the word of the LORD came unto me the second time, saying, What seest thou? And I said, I see a seething pot; and the face thereof is toward the north. And the LORD said, You know, your constant reference to inanimate objects and their irrelevant geographic orientation is wearing a little thin.

14 Then the LORD continued, But in this case, I’ll let it slide, seeing as it aligns itself with one of my pet theories. Out of the north an evil shall break forth upon all the inhabitants of the land.

15 For, lo, I will call all the families of the kingdoms of the north, saith the LORD; so if My line’s busy, just keep trying. Or call after 6 pm, Pacific Time. And they shall come, and they shall set every one his throne at the entering of the gates of Jerusalem, and against all the walls thereof round about, and against all the cities of Judah. It’s called “stacking the deck.” Against you. It’s kind of my “thing.” Ask Job.

16 And I will utter my judgments against them touching all their wickedness (repeatedly), who have forsaken me, and have burned incense unto other gods, and worshipped the works of their own hands. I’ll be bringing it to these heathens and their arrogant pot-smoking craftmanship. I mean honestly, does incense fool anyone anymore?

17 Thou therefore gird up thy loins, and arise, and speak unto them all that I command thee. Gird in layers. It’s unseasonably cold. Be not dismayed at their faces, lest I confound thee before them. Once again, they can’t help how they look. It’s a terrible cosmic joke which we’ll blame on genetics. Inbred genetics.

18 For, behold, I have made thee this day a defenced city, and an iron pillar, and brasen walls against the whole land. So hide behind the pillar (everybody gets one) and try to tune out the walls and their outspoken hussiness. Against the kings of Judah, against the princes thereof, against the priests thereof, and against the people of the land. Outnumbered and outgunned: that’s right out of Yahweh’s Art of War.

19 And they shall fight against thee; but they shall not prevail against thee; for I am with thee, saith the LORD, to deliver thee, unless otherwise detained by “deck-stacking” elsewhere. Peace out.



  1. I have a signed first edition copy of Yahweh’s Art of War. You continue to be the web’s leading heretical pagan (is that redundant??). Is the Koran next?

    • Great score on that first edition. That was well before a large amount of editorializing and translation issues rendered it useless for anything but magic-based warfare.

      I could look into the Koran. I didn’t grow up with it so it may be tougher to locate the in-jokes. Plus, it tends to draw serious death threats.

      Still, I may just give it a shot. Look for my next appearance on wanted posters somewhere in the Middle East.

  2. According to research, laughter can boost the immune system, reduce inflammation and prolong life. I feel like you just added 30 days to my lifespan after reading Vol.6. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, funny, funny, funny. I will never look at trees the same again (forests/thickets as a sea of hard-ons with perpetual woody priapism). No wonder I always had a thang for trees.

    The Bible never answered the questions I always wondered about such as:

    1) how did woman manage menstrual effluent in an
    age without feminine hygiene products?
    2) did the children ever engage in falafel
    3) wouldn’t the men get some kind of ‘patellar
    burn’ doing it missionary style on mats?
    4) how did they manage without burritos, tikka
    masala or dim sum?

    Thank you for filling in the blanks. If you don’t know, I can at least count on a hypothesis.

    • I’ve often said that if I can just add 30 days to someone’s lifespan, I can retire. Now that it has finally happened, I realize that I said a lot of shit I never meant to follow thru on. Not only that, but addition of life via laughter is a zero-sum game, meaning that someone, somewhere has just lost a month of their life. I’m hoping it’s Tara Reid.

      As for the questions:
      1.) Simple answer: they didn’t. It was considered a curse/miracle depending on who was currently organizing the religion. Due to drinking-game like rule changes, menstrating women could be declared saints on Tuesday and martyrs on Wednesday. Charges of menstrative heresy were usually brought post-humously.
      2.) Constantly. This was also considered heresy and the children were sentenced to either death via week-old falafel hurling or sent to the Kathy Lee Gifford’s textile mines. I’m sure the living envied the dead.
      3.) They would get this burn, which was often considered a form of heresy, despite its religious connotations. In fact, husbands often came home to find missionaries demonstrating this new position and offering complimentary tracts and Kellogg’s Corn Flakes. The sentence for interrupting this holy consummation was, of course, death. Or nothing but corn flakes for forty years.
      4.) They had corn flakes.

  3. God is a beast at stacking the deck. I was in a spades tournament in the inner city of Pgh one summer. It was me and this black dude who was in his junior year at Wheaton College. Anyway, dude had God in his back pocket in a Bush Justice Department kind of way. The final game was against a crack dealer and a pimp. We were down 45 to 39. What do you think happened? My boy had the deal, the pimp French cut……and we still ran the mother fucking table! God ain’t no joke….

    • Yep, God sure does like a stacked deck. And he stacks it against those who deserve it least. Hence the common question: Jesus! What the fucking fuck??

      I guess you don’t really have any faith until you’ve been pinned up against the proverbial wall and relieved of your not-so-proverbial wallet and virginity by your creator.

      I guess it’s all part of some great plan that I don’t understand. However, staying on this side of the ecclesiastical fence has kept me on the “stacked in favor of” side of things, so I think I’ll keep running the table (and my mouth) until things change.

  4. In my recent conversations with either an almighty deity or some guy from Boise, I called out the question of just who, or whom as the case may be, is responsible for all the weird words in the bible. His answer was that he was kinda experimenting, and hopes people didn’t take him too seriously.

    I wrote on Sarah’s facebook page about that, but she told me I was full of shit. I wonder if a good laxative would help.

  5. Would now be a good time for a small donation?

    • Anytime is a good time for a small donation. Or a large donation. Or something in the middle.

  6. If you give me your bank account number I’ll fill it full of numbers.

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