Archive for February 23rd, 2010

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Platitudes for a New Millenium

February 23, 2010

Nothing says "mysterious garage fire" like watching this smug bastard pose with your ex-wife.

As you make your way through the various potholes and “Bridge Out” warnings on this road we call “life,” you will often find yourself on the receiving end of unsolicited advice.

Unfortunately, most self-appointed advisors (including us) tend to use shopworn clichés (like “shopworn cliché”) and meaningless catchphrases instead of delivering actual advice (especially us).

Today we take aim at an old favorite: “Living well is the best revenge.”

Is it? Let’s take a closer look.

Say you’ve just wrapped up another Nip/Tuck marathon when your wife says something like, “Speaking of which, I’m leaving your for that plastic surgeon I met at the gym.” And away she heads to a new life full of late-model sports cars and free collagen injections.

And what do you have? Ten years of bills, 20 more years on the mortgage and two sons, one of whom is looking to join the “Orange” team down at the local correctional facility and one of whom is looking to join the Audubon Society.

Unfortunately, the child with whom you actually feel a connection has just sold your laptop for drug money and the other will be sticking you with several hundred thousand dollars in unpaid student loans as he pursues a go-nowhere career in ornithology.

At this point, someone will pipe up with, “Living well is the best revenge,” if only because it’s easier to say than, “There’s no way you’re competing with that.”

But is “living well” really the best revenge? Is it even revenge?

In a word, “Ah, hell nah!” Revenge is still the best revenge. Sugar in the gas tank. Tuna cans in the air vents. The mysterious fire in the garage. That’s revenge. The problem is: you’ll be the prime suspect.

Try this instead.

Get ahold of the good doctor’s name, address, phone and email address. Most of this should be easy to obtain, especially if divorce proceedings are underway.

As for that email address? A week or so of late night drunken calls to his house should get you a sternly-worded email reminding you that your estranged wife has no interest in “servicing” you no matter how “horny” or “depressed” you feel.

Now take that email address and sign him up for every deviant porn site you can find. Sign him up for every shady personal ad site. Every online petition. Every “Work at Home!” scam. Anything that clogs an inbox and takes an act of God to get rid of.

Mark every questionnaire you come across with “Yes! You can contact me at home/work!” Try to make sure that the “Best Time to Call” manages to cover most of a 24-hour period. Add him to any and every mailing list you can find, especially those of the erectile-dysfunction/out-there porn variety.

Unfortunately you won’t be able to witness the ensuing debacle firsthand, but you can let your imagination run wild. He’ll be dealing with a clogged inbox, various strains of malware and popups and nonstop calls from solicitors. He’ll be busy trying to explain away such periodicals as Men Who Love Men Who Love Horses and NAMBLA’s Amateur Boy Scouting Manual.

For more fun, do the same for your soon-to-be ex-wife. It should take their sex life to the next level as they scramble to entertain each other’s perceived fetishes, turning their bedroom into something halfway between a bondage club and a petting zoo.

And then, just as the lube is applied and the animals given a “safety word,” the phone will ring, bringing with it such questions as:

  • Are you available to host the third leg of a charity marathon? You’ll need to supply Gatorade and lined bags for exhaustion vomit.
  • Can you please to wire money to sick relative in Eastern Bloc?
  • Is this the GM who was listed as “submissive” and into “watersports?”
  • Would you take $5000 for the fire-damaged Maserati?
  • You, asking if your wife is available to “service” you.

“Living well” is the old way. The new millenium demands a change. Say it together now:

Living vindictively is the best revenge.”

-CLT

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