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Capitalist Lion Tamer University!

February 16, 2010

CLTU: Putting the "drab" back in "drab, faceless college."

As the world’s foremost authority on all things “bloggy,” Capitalist F.* Lion Tamer is hereby joining every Mom and Pop university in the dipping of our collective wick into the trillion-dollar nightmare that is public funding.

*The “Fucking” is optional, but heavily encouraged.

Announcing the grand opening of the Capitalist Lion Tamer University, featuring a catalog of courses and degrees that rival such heralded institutions as UC-Santa Cruz (Home of the Fighting Banana Slugs) and PS 114 (Detroit). We are now accepting applications from open-minded and open-walleted students.

Wordsmithing 101: Beating English at its Own Game

Advanced Parentheses: The Where, When and How of Parenthetic Overuse (includes “Basic Bracketting” and “When in Doubt, Em Dash”)

Dialogue Basics: How to make something no one would ever, ever say sound natural, mainly by using colons to indicate that, yes, this is dialogue.

Running Gags: 1,001 Uses for a Beaten, Dead Horse

Cheapshots and Bullshit: Did someone say “Branson, MO” and “Woodworking?”

Proofreading is for Pussies: If spellcheck didn’t catch it, most likely no one else will.

Debate: Presenting One-Sided Arguments Self-Righteously (Two keys: authoritative links, f-bombs.)

Commenting 101: Why Leave Every Half-Baked Idea at Home?

Character Assassination: Featuring keynote speeches from guest speakers Clive F.* Cussler, Chad “Penis” Kroeger and “Pistol” Pete Doherty.

*This “Fucking” is mandatory.

The Music Industry: Dealing with the RIAA, BMI, ASCAP and all those other fuckers who keep trying to steal my stolen music.

Blogging Basics: Start small. For instance, choose a manageable subject like all of rock and roll or the Bible.

Remedial Narcissism: Failure to pass this course will cause your blog to be deleted.

CLTU: Putting the "You" back in "University!"

Where’s the Hell is My Book Deal? and Other Ridiculous Questions

The World Isn’t Actually Beating a Path to Your Virtual Door: It’s Just Google Image Search

How to Listen to Music: Now with easily-downloadable songs, optional earphones.

Pop Culture Vomitorium: The Brain Scrapings of Prof. CLT

Shop Class: Construct a blog using only recycled gags, swear words and stolen pictures. (Passing grade awarded to “brilliant/timeless” posts only.)

Solidarity!: Bringing the Anglo World Together by Randomly Co-opting British/Canadian Spelling/Slang

Holy Fuck! My Brain Ran Out of… Stuff!: Fallback Careers for the Early-Peaking Blogger (letter writing campaigns, MSN Money columnist, “Fuck” Inserter for Mamet/Scorsese)

(Note: A. Truitt and C. Collins have been placed on academic suspension for failure to meet minimum attendance requirements.
The staff at CLTU would like to remind R. Rooster and D. Mills that turning in work once a week (no matter how brilliant) is no replacement for doing the daily assignments.
T. Leah and S. Zodi – Please note that all accidents and injuries (priapism/broken coccyx) must be cleared with staff 4-6 weeks prior to occurence. This also holds true for any other unplanned events (sexual harassment suits/weeklong benders) that may cause further absences.
Congratulations to B. Schooled and D. McGinley for their perfect attendance!)

-CLT

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20 comments

  1. First to comment! And I brought an apple too.

    You can sign me up for all of the courses but I think I’ll be majoring in “Running Gags: 1,001 Uses for a Beaten, Dead Horse.” In fact, I’ve already done my homework.

    Excellent post, CLT. I’m off to get a keg, my racoon coat and to start practicing my chant of “23 Skidoo.”


    • Solid course selection, Don. It’s tough to tell when a joke has run its course. This class operates under this general principle: “Just because no one is still laughing doesn’t mean it’s not (still) funny.”

      I would expect some excellent keynote addresses from the SNL writers and any number of bloggers who have gotten “carried away” in various comment threads.

      Can’t wait to see you and your racoon coat when the inaugural semester begins, Don. You put the “swell” back into the average American’s vernacular.


    • Looking forward to it. Not to brag but my Parenthetic Overuse – both em and en dashes – is “somewhat” legendary. My bracketing isn’t anything to sneeze “at” either.


    • Well, this fledgling U. is still in its infancy but I don’t see why we couldn’t offer instant tenure to you (what with your background in bracketing, parenthesizing and dashing), thus creating dischord amongst the professors we haven’t even gotten around to hiring yet. And I like the things you’re doing “with” quotes.

      Welcome aboard! The key to the faculty restroom is the one with the 14 inches of galvanized pipe attached to it.


  2. I figured that a testimonial from a washed out grad might help you to boost enrollment. That’s how smart I am.

    And in case you haven’t guessed that testimonial can be from me. I’m all about higher learning, I’m just not so big on seeing it through. The only thing I’ve ever seen through was my neighbour’s bedroom window… Every night from 11pm – 2am. It’s what I do. Please don’t judge me. And if you must, fine, just don’t call the cops.

    Still, as a student on academic suspension this does provide me the extra time (11pm – 2am excluded) needed to talk up the virtues of your wonderful learning institution.

    From The CLT fighting song (“We’ll fight, we’ll kill, we’ll drown you in mud/ We’ll cut open your throat and drink your fucking blood”) to the CLT drinking song (We’ll drink, we’ll vomit, the DT’s will make us quiver/We’re all gonna die of cirrhosis of the liver”) to the CLT football team song (We’ll fight for the ball/Yes, we’ll kill you all”) the school’s spirit of death, blood, toxins and victory shines brighter than a freshly froshed Chad Kroeger straddled to a flagpole with a fresh coat of paint on his exposed ass and a rabid baboon mauling his already punctured throat. (Pictures later!)

    And the classes! Was that the ghost of Oscar Wilde teaching “Dialogue Basics”? No… It was some crazy guy who dug up Wilde’s remains and is making a giant sized dildo out of them. Brilliant! Unconventional!

    Dialogue that, Oscar!

    The Running Gags class changed my life. Then it changed my diapers. Then it changed into a woman. Then it… Ha! Got you. I remember: Only three gags in a running gag. Where’s my A+?

    And let’s not forget the classes you didn’t mention – “Your Screenplay and it’s 30 year Odyssey from your brain to some scribbled thoughts in your desk drawer to your drunken ramblings late at night” I’m still acing that course! Always will, too.

    Or Plagiarism – The Secrets To Not Getting Caught It was a dark and stormy night that I signed up for this course, and Call me Ishmael, or call me Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins, all I can is all this happened, more or less – and I ain’t never got caught. Thanks you, Capitalist Lion Tamer University. Thank you.

    And then there was my favorite class of all “That Sentence Needs Three More Fucks” I think I really knew I had a future in the real job market as the CEO of some fancy bank when I wrote the sentence, “The apparitions of these fucking faces in a fucking crowd. Petals on a wet black fuck.”

    I highly reccommend this wonderful University.

    Disclaimer: Okay, sure, The Capitalist Lion Tamer University is essentially ripping you off – but so is Harvard. (sorry, fucking Harvard) And fucking Harvard sucks scum ridden ass canal water. (Really, it says so right in their brochures.) And, hey, let’s be honest, getting ripped off is what education is all about. Fucking Ada!


    • Alan!

      What a pleasant surprise! What a pleasant, lengthy surprise!

      You may well ask how a school that barely opened its doors has already suspended students (and given Don tenure). You can ask, but you will most likely not get a satisfactory answer.

      I’m glad you mentioned our various fight songs. They were all originally variations on DJ Godfather’s “Player Haters in the House” until a fierce copyright battle resulted in a downtown Detroit gun battle.

      Fortunately, Michael Moore saved the day by declaring all capitalists to be “scum” and not fit to scrounge for scraps at his incredibly large dinner table. The scrappy but privileged auto union workers were declared the winners and then it was off to Vegas to put $100 on red and $100 on black at the roulette table in a successful attempt to earn the derision of the croupier. Fucking cod!

      I appreciate your attempt to end your suspension by suggesting additional courses. We will, of course, steal your ideas (per the school charter – section 14.1(a) “Crowdsourcing the Student Body for Fun and Profit”) but we will need some serious roulette table dough to consider re-admitting your verbose, window-staring self into our illustrious and foul-mouthed student body.

      As always, Alan, wonderful to see you. Whoops. Let me break that down “bloggy-style:” As fucking always, fucking wonderful to fucking see you.

      Peace out.


  3. Bwahahahahaha! You nailed us all, in every possible orifice. Without lubricant.

    I think I need to retake a few classes (mainly Advanced Parentheses) and [dialoging].(?) I’m proud to have aced Proofreading/Pussies, Debate and Half-Baked, and they have served me well over the months. I’ve done so well in fact, that I can’t figure out where the hell my book deal is or why the world isn’t beating down my virtual door.

    You’ll be happy to know that I quit drinking a couple of months ago. After the weeklong bender …..what 3 or 4 times in one month(?) and the dead prostitute of unknown gender, I knew I’d had enough. Oh thanks for not bringing up the dead prostitute. Or the heroin. Or the Crack or the OCD, Gambling, the ‘Tiger Woods incident,’ or the Andy Dick ‘thing’ either. That would have been embarrassing.

    Why do I now have the urge to sit behind Dan and poke him with my pencil, and blow spitballs at Bschooled even though I have a puppy love-ish crush on her circa 1972 avatar? Lastly Alantru, the long deceased (even for a ghost) Freud and I, need to sit down and work some issues out.


    • Scott,

      Glad to hear you’re doing better and putting all your drunken benders and slain hookers behind you. While there is indeed a time and place for actions like that, I think we can all agree it should be in the past and preferably in a foreign country without extradition laws.

      Thanks for the opening statement as well, which gives the fledgling CLTU its new motto:

      “Learning… in every possible orifice.”


  4. I was hoping you would grade on the curve.

    I assume a piece on the “Presidents of CLTU” is forthcoming. And I still want a CLTU Fighting Lesbians t-shirt BTW.


    • FJ, I do plan to grade on a curve, most likely one that is constantly shifting, like rules in a drinking game.

      I may have to do a piece on the Presidents as soon as I can fake some illustrious history and misattribute some secret societies.

      Your shirt is on the way, via Lesbian Reverse Cowgirl Pony Express.


  5. At my alma mater (New College, Sarasota, FL), I signed up for all of my classes with ONE professor (it was allowed) during my last semester (who incidentally, I ended up marrying) so I am enthralled with the idea of enrolling in CLTU as an alternative to JDate or match.com (and where I would like to sign up for Advanced Parentheses, but may need some remedial work first as I have used four parentheses in one sentence). Academia always seemed like a great place to forage for romance… hope you have some haute science professors!! And since I have been a subscriber to the daily CollegeBoard SAT Question of the Day for years, I should be good to go on scores (although I should confess to instantly hitting ‘delete’ on all the math questions). I’m curious to know what kind of financial aid package you might offer and do you use actual grades or the professorial written evaluation model to gauge students progress? Think I may graduate summa cum laude in something (once I latch onto a professor). Jeez, I hope you’re in a warm state and the cafeteria plan is halfway decent. Can’t wait for orientation!!


    • Well, e3h, so far we only have one professor: the illustrious Don Mills, who will most likely be following a syllabus that includes none of the above listed classes.

      However, he does have tenure so I can’t get rid of him. He may leave on his own accord after finding my payscale to be somewhat less than the +$0 he was expecting.

      Zagat’s has indeed declared our cafeteria “halfway decent” and noted that its combination of underdone food and cleaning products make for a “refreshingly dangerous aroma, one that speaks to the industriousness of the underpaid employees.”

      Our state is warm during the climate-change months, which closely follow Al Gore’s book tours.


  6. Sign me up! In thirteen more years they may forgive my college loan! My neighbor down the road was telling me how he made buko bucks with an associate’s engineering degree, because he’s almost illiterate. He was saying how useless english degrees are . . . that would be me . . . yay . . . still paying . . . looking for work . . . dot dot dot . . .


    • Consider yourself signed up, Dan. But be aware that our “loan forgiveness” plan often involves late-night beatings and tire slashings. I didn’t want it to go this way but after a number of threatening phone calls and mysterious fires, I had to admit that the Teamsters should take charge of our loan-collection efforts.

      Feel free to add any number of useless degrees to the one you already have.


    • Sign me up! When in debt . . . get further in debt.


  7. Well, I have to say this is quite an honor, CLT. And if you don´t mind, I´d like to read this recycled thank-you speech I prepared after graduating Top O´ The Class in Commenting 101.

    (Go Superfluity! Go Saints!)

    Wow. Well, folks, I have to say that this is so unexpected. And so well deserved.

    I´d like to thank the following people, for making all of my attendances possible…

    God- For being so patient with Margaret when she was asking him incessantly ¨if he was there¨

    My old job- Without which, I wouldn´t have had all the free time nrequired in order to perfect my attendance.

    Clive Cussler´s Fucking Watch- For keeping me punctual, albeit somewhat recrementitious at times.

    My Friend Leonard- For still being my friend, even after Oprah humiliated me by calling me a liar on National Television.

    Microwaveable Bacon Strips- For being so damned convenient.

    ¨The Biggest Loser¨- For showing the world that a 470 pound weight loss in two weeks is, indeed, do-able.

    Helen Jenkins- For taking one for the Cheerleading team, by ¨giving one¨ to the entire Football team.

    And last but not least, to you CLT. For putting the ¨Me¨ back in University.


    • Congratulations, bschooled.

      What a tremendous speech, full of dangerous weight-loss regimes and off-handed Cussler-bashing. It’s all the things that Pete Doherty’s speech to Trinity University could have been, if only he’d been able to cut back to twice his body weight in drugs before crawling to the podium.

      As for those whose attendance I have criticized, I realize my attendance lately may make this judgement seem hypocritical. Let me assure you: we are not here to talk about my hypocrisy.

      Again, congratulations, bschooled. Thanks for making CLTU your safety school.


  8. “Proofreading is for Pussies: If spellcheck didn’t catch it, most likely no one else will.” If modern society was a book, this would make an excellent summary for the back cover.
    I didn’t come to CLTU for education; I came for the pills, thrills and chills. Fvck it, I’ll be behind the science annex if anyone scores.


    • Meet me in the Faraday cage at 6 pm sharp tomorrow.


    • Thanks, RR. I’m currently putting that book together. It will consist mainly of choice quotes from Youtube comment threads and the occasional LiveJournal posting for pathos.

      If you need some choice drugs, check with our Pharm Techs, who heartily believe in self-medication. They’ve got Grandma’s drugs right now. It’s the perfect prescription for living life without a conscience. And everything that isn’t made out of Oxy-Contin will help you maintain your regularity.



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