Capitalist Lion Tamer University!February 16, 2010
As the world’s foremost authority on all things “bloggy,” Capitalist F.* Lion Tamer is hereby joining every Mom and Pop university in the dipping of our collective wick into the trillion-dollar nightmare that is public funding.
*The “Fucking” is optional, but heavily encouraged.
Announcing the grand opening of the Capitalist Lion Tamer University, featuring a catalog of courses and degrees that rival such heralded institutions as UC-Santa Cruz (Home of the Fighting Banana Slugs) and PS 114 (Detroit). We are now accepting applications from open-minded and open-walleted students.
– Wordsmithing 101: Beating English at its Own Game
– Advanced Parentheses: The Where, When and How of Parenthetic Overuse (includes “Basic Bracketting” and “When in Doubt, Em Dash”)
– Dialogue Basics: How to make something no one would ever, ever say sound natural, mainly by using colons to indicate that, yes, this is dialogue.
– Running Gags: 1,001 Uses for a Beaten, Dead Horse
– Proofreading is for Pussies: If spellcheck didn’t catch it, most likely no one else will.
– Debate: Presenting One-Sided Arguments Self-Righteously (Two keys: authoritative links, f-bombs.)
– Commenting 101: Why Leave Every Half-Baked Idea at Home?
– Character Assassination: Featuring keynote speeches from guest speakers Clive F.* Cussler, Chad “Penis” Kroeger and “Pistol” Pete Doherty.
*This “Fucking” is mandatory.
– The Music Industry: Dealing with the RIAA, BMI, ASCAP and all those other fuckers who keep trying to steal my stolen music.
– Blogging Basics: Start small. For instance, choose a manageable subject like all of rock and roll or the Bible.
– Remedial Narcissism: Failure to pass this course will cause your blog to be deleted.
– Where’s the Hell is My Book Deal? and Other Ridiculous Questions
– The World Isn’t Actually Beating a Path to Your Virtual Door: It’s Just Google Image Search
– How to Listen to Music: Now with easily-downloadable songs, optional earphones.
– Pop Culture Vomitorium: The Brain Scrapings of Prof. CLT
– Shop Class: Construct a blog using only recycled gags, swear words and stolen pictures. (Passing grade awarded to “brilliant/timeless” posts only.)
– Solidarity!: Bringing the Anglo World Together by Randomly Co-opting British/Canadian Spelling/Slang
– Holy Fuck! My Brain Ran Out of… Stuff!: Fallback Careers for the Early-Peaking Blogger (letter writing campaigns, MSN Money columnist, “Fuck” Inserter for Mamet/Scorsese)
(Note: A. Truitt and C. Collins have been placed on academic suspension for failure to meet minimum attendance requirements.
The staff at CLTU would like to remind R. Rooster and D. Mills that turning in work once a week (no matter how brilliant) is no replacement for doing the daily assignments.
T. Leah and S. Zodi – Please note that all accidents and injuries (priapism/broken coccyx) must be cleared with staff 4-6 weeks prior to occurence. This also holds true for any other unplanned events (sexual harassment suits/weeklong benders) that may cause further absences.
Congratulations to B. Schooled and D. McGinley for their perfect attendance!)