Life’s Little Lessons Vol. 4 – Shoplifting:My Anti-Drug

February 9, 2010

Look at these freshly-scrubbed, well-lit demographics!

Being a teen and/or tween in today’s society can be tough. Between the pressure of school and the pressures of Todd (who one day hopes to run his own comic book/porn shop), today’s youngsters often find themselves turning to the incredibly comfortable embrace of drugs.

Good for them, I say! You don’t want to spend the rest of the “best years of your life” stressed and closed-legged. You’re only young once! Live now while you still have your whole future to destroy!

But remember, each one of you is very different in very similar ways. Some of you are natural-born leaders, willing to lead the pack down the various dark alleys and cul-de-sacs that make up life.

Others are the pace-setters who establish the speed the pack will run, neither leading or following, but rather, middle-managing.

Still others will cull the herd, picking off those without proper clothing, musical taste or an older brother who can buy them beer.

The rest will run with the pack, nose-to-anus, following blindly. They are still an essential part of the whole, like pawns in a chess match or civilians in a war-torn but heavily televised country.

With all these essential pieces forming an inseparable and indistinguishable whole, it’s easy to forget those who take the “road less travelled.” In fact, it’s incredibly easy to forget them as you most likely will never see them again until you’re delivering Pepsi to their multi-store retail chains or detailing their Jag while they get a blowjob from your girlfriend at the nearest Holiday Inn Express.

Signage courtesy of the newly-enacted "Winona's Law."

There are some people from all walks of life (Note: “all walks” = ages 13-19) for whom drugs are not the answer. Surprising, I know, what with all the enhancements, side effects and crippling withdrawal that drugs have to offer.

For some, the thrill comes from skirting the law. It may start with random jaywalking or curfew violations. From there they may move on to cheating on their finals or entering false information on their Census forms, always seeking a new “high” or “rush” or other co-opted drug metaphor.

Before they know it (which is most likely before you know it, especially if you’re the victim), they’ve fallen into a life of petty crime, filled with illegal football pools and un-itemized deductions. It’s as if they can’t stop themselves. Soon their auto insurance has lapsed and they’re carelessly smoking well within the confines of the 200-foot “No Smoking” zone.

If this goes unchecked long enough, these no-goodniks, these “Goofi” will have clawed their way to the top of the criminal heap with the most heinous of misdemeanors: shoplifting.

It’s now a very dim future for these malcontents as they travel down a lonely, but heavily populated, road to ruin.

Watch for these warning signs:

  • Heavy clothing during warm months.
  • Heavy clothing during cold months.
  • Heavy clothing during promiscuous, meaningless sex.
  • Sudden increase of small items and knickknacks with no verifiable income increase.
  • Sudden detainment for shoplifting.
  • Incessant humming of Jane’s Addiction’s hit Been Caught Stealing.
  • Father’s Day gifts include caseless DVD, 16 Bic lighters, a laser penlight, 12 assorted packs of unpopular gum and a deck of cards.

It’s not too late! Grab your teen/tween (gently and appropriately, of course) and set them back on the drug path, with its relative safety in numbers and proven track record of lazy ineptness and occasional home invasions. Remind Grandma to put the Oxy-Contin in the gun safe.

Remember: You can’t prevent drugs from being the problem. You can only prevent them from being the solution.

Up next on Life’s Little Lessons:
The Third-Person Miracle of Childbirth: Renting Out Your Uterus for Fun and Profit.



  1. That pack of sibling Mormons featured in the lead photo (the dude standing rear-center is a college buddy) have not so much as smoked a clove cigarette or swilled a Pepsi One in their short lives. They will tell you ignorance is bliss while reflected light gently flickers off their teeth. I, on the other hand, have so much cognitive haze and sludge to wade through (what with the forebrain not knowing what the hindbrain is doing and and trying to process the simplest of information with scorched sulci and calloused gyri), couldn’t decipher (or may have forgotten) what it is I am supposed to do with this post. When the road eventually bifurcates, do I unfurl my arm and wave them toward Mormonism or make reservations at the mom-and-pop inn down the road less travelled? (So glad my girls are honorary Mormons and I don’t have to make that call).

    P.S. Family dinners at your home must be fascinating.

    • Dead on, e3h. Those sanitized teens wouldn’t know a good time if it slipped them a roofie and left them naked in a cornfield.

      While I am the first to point out that youth is wasted on the wasted young, there is something to be said to actually having a life full of “experiences” rather than a life full of “life.”

      P.S. Family dinners are pretty fascinating, what with all the shoplifted swag and assorted drugs to root thru. My children are honorary bloggers, so they tend to focus on themselves, which makes parenting a breeze.

  2. I can’t believe I didn’t see all the red flags in my kids. I did teach them how to properly drink brown liquor and clean shotguns. Funny CLT.

    • Thanks, FJ.

      From what you’ve told me, you’re at least 50% of the way there, parenting-wise. If you had them do both at the same time, call it 100%.

  3. Oh God damn it CLT…why did you have to go and tell grandma to lock away the oxy’s. Looks like it’s a sleepy trip down Heroin Avenue for little Timmy now.

    Your humor and writing skills have simultaneously hit the stratosphere with this one. I couldn’t pick a better post to steal. You only failed to mention plagiary, which is by the way, one of the major gateway ‘drugs’ leading to shoplifting.

    I always just cut out the middle man, and hijack the whole truck. Why wait till the merchandise is in the stores, or the pharmacy?

    • Scott,

      Thanks for the compliments. I’m actually blushing as I write this, from both the soaring praise and from the unexpected familial visit during my annual spring-cleaning/coke-fueled porn sorting. You live in a small town and think, “Why bother locking the doors?”

      Looking forward to your “original” post, Scott. Please let me know if there’s anything you’d like added or subtracted before taking full credit for it. Oh, and the New York Times is on line 1.

  4. Beautiful stuff, CLT.

    And it hits especially close to home for me, seeing as I´m currently in a country where the pharmacies post advertisements which, loosely translated to English, read;

    “No Prescription Necessary-Saving You Money by Cutting Out the Middle Man!”

    So even though I have no idea what my initial point was, I just wanted you to know that I´m having a really great, “Theft-Free Since ´93” time. (And once I figure out where I left my hotel, I´ll be having an even better one…)

    • B-

      Hope you’re having a good vacation. Judging from your billboarding, I would guess that you have returned to Canada, and if translation is necessary, you must be near Montreal.

      Good luck on staying “Theft-Free” thru this beautiful 2K10. Just try to take it (with permission) one day at a time.

  5. […] Capitalist Lion Tamer: Shoplifting: My Anti-Drug […]

  6. Holy mother of all interpretations, CLT, you are spot on and in the zone. The analogies alone are deadly, and lead to the ever deadlier truth of a gang slash pack slash country slash run amok.

    Tonight my wife said something that reaffirms my undying love for her: “If Palin gets elected in 2014, we will move to Quebec,” and she showed me houses in a town above Maine.

    We will.

    Anyway . . . you rock, and I know you get my serious drift. This country is so close to THAT POINT . . .

    • Thanks a million, Dan.

      It’s kind of a fucked-up country, but given the current regimes’ popularity I wouldn’t be surprised if a go-getting soccer mom is elected president, forcing a mass exodus to a foreign country like Quebec.

      We’ll all have to learn a little French and how to curse the fine print that tells us we’re all paying more because we live in “CAN”.

    • PS. If she does get elected in 2014, something has gone seriously wrong with the electoral system.

  7. I couldn’t get past the comic book/porn shop. Twist one up and tell me more.

    • While the kids prepare our joints, let me tell you a little something about being a surrogate mother, a subject with which I have no practical experience…

  8. I want to be a surrogate motherfvcker!

    • Your keyboard seems to have something wrong with it. Or maybe it’s the spellcheck…

  9. I suffer from a phobia that doesn’t allow me to type explicit curse words correctly.

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