Leaked! – TSA Internal MemoFebruary 3, 2010
To all TSA (Travel Security Administration) personnel:
As America’s last line of defense in the fight against domestic terrorism, we have instituted the following guidelines and procedures to help our frontline personnel stop potential terrorists, preferably before they board the plane. (Once they are on the plane, it’s all in Allah’s hands. Or God’s. Or the Dutch.)
Be aware! At any time, someone could set us up the bomb!
To this point, our “if it looks foreign, detain it” policy has served us well. However, some recent minor (but potentially calamitous) glitches have presented us with a chance for improvement. To this end we have devised the following list of “red flags*” to be on the lookout for:
*May also be “orange” or “yellow” depending on current threat level as determined by the NSA’s random number generator. Fun fact: number generator can also be used for office keno games!
Clothing and Accessories
- Unseasonably warm clothing/loose-fitting clothing – Can hide bomb components.
- T-shirts with drug references – Implicit support of terrorism/troublemaking punks.
- Abnormally large purses – Use your judgment. Some women carry these year-round as part of a generally nomadic existence.
- I “Plane” NY shirts – Just seems wrong in a way we can’t put our finger on/troublemaking punks.
- Fanny packs, man purses – Anything that can be done to discourage use of these items would seem to be a good idea.
- Open-toed shoes – Considered “unsafe” in most workplaces, doubly so in a workspace where everyone is forced to breathe the same recycled air. Also tends to indicated “freeminded” hippie types, who have been nothing but trouble since the Nixon administration.
- Diaper bags – Often filled with deadly fluids, deadly nail clippers/safety scissors, deadly powdered formula and deadly interminable stacks of baby photos.
Mandatory Strip Searches
- People of a darker complexion travelling with visas
- People of a darker complexion not named Jose
- People of a darker complexion named Jose
- Women rated higher than 7.5 according to hotornot.com
- Troublemaking, sarcastic bloggers
- Talking loudly into Bluetooth headsets
- Bomb or weapon assembling
- Blogging (especially “live-blogging”)
- Post-checkpoint shoe adjusting
- Gathering of 5 or more people without the proper permit
- Speed walking
- Complaint/lawsuit filing
- Drug dealing
- General bitching
(Note: please post this list inconspicuously and be sure to inform travellers that the forbidden item list is subject to change at anytime, especially if they insist on being indignant or uncooperative. Use the following phrase to defuse tense situations: “You’re about five seconds from travelling to Cleveland in the nude, buster. [Use “bustette” if speaking to a female.]
Remember: Irrational fear is your best weapon. [Note: Feel free to use your actual issued weapon if need be.])
- Nail clippers
- Saline solution
- Homemade snacks
- Lighters/matches/two sticks/flint/magnifying glasses
- Laser pointers
- “That smartass mouth of yours”
- Off-brand sodas
- Lifesaving medicine
- Battery-powered toothbrushes (manual toothbrushes are still allowed)
- Non-fluff reading material
- Valid photo IDs
- Rosary beads
- Anal beads
- Wallet-borne prophylactics
- Manual toothbrushes
- Opened copies of Microsoft Flight Simulator
- Artificial limbs
- 50,000+ frequent flyer miles
- Black-market kidneys
- Your dignity
In-Flight Rule Changes
As you know, we are constantly striving for a safer travel experience. To that end, we have made the following changes to our patented “too much, too late” policy of overreaction and obtuseness.
- Passengers will now line up single file in alphabetical order (last name first) and be led on-board by the on-duty air marshal, whose weapon must remain drawn for the duration of the flight. (Remember to check that the safety is safely in the “off” position for speedier overreaction time.)
- For the first and last hours of the flight passengers are to remain in a supine, spread-eagled position with fingers interlaced behind their heads. No conversation or eye contact will be allowed.
- No conversation while the aircraft is in motion.
- Passengers must ask permission to use the restroom. Tipping your restroom attendant is mandatory.
- In the likely event of an airborne terrorist situation, passengers are encouraged to “take matters into their own hands” as 1.) it has a proven track record and 2.) your air marshal will most likely be going mano-a-mano with the restroom lock or contemplating a mid-air career change.
Let’s all hope that these changes will lead us into a new era of regulated inefficiency and borderline brutality.
Remember, only YOU* can prevent domestic terrorism!
*”YOU” meaning “us” as a bureaucratic entity with far-reaching power and minimal oversight.