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The Bible: Inappropriate for All Ages

January 22, 2010
Noah's neighbors considering moving to the suburbs.

Noah's neighbors considered moving to the suburbs.

[Apologies for the deafening silence. Here’s another one from the archives. Originally published May 15, 2009.]

To hear Sunday school teachers tell it, you would think the Bible is chock full of platitudes and see-through parables, all based on Peace, Love, Unity and Respect. But as you actually start to read the thing, you’ll see it has as much in common with those qualities as your local rave does. Why, it’s nothing but E’d-up teens dividing their time between rubbing on each other, asking you for drugs and trying to come up with enough pocket change to split a $6 bottle of water. Only more Biblical.

The Story of Job
In what is widely viewed by prominent theologians as a “dick move,” God tortures one of his most faithful citizens just to win a bet with Satan. God says, “Job’s my dog, yo,” and guarantees that Job won’t sell him out, no matter how bad it gets.

How bad does it get? His son and daughter and a bunch of their friends have the house collapse on them and then burn to the ground. His crops and livestock are killed. He’s covered head to toe in boils and blisters and is reduced to scraping at his skin with broken pottery. His friends taunt him. His wife leaves him (at least through the rest of this story). Uwe Boll flies in to host a film festival. Satan sits outside Job’s compound in a tank, blaring Ted Nugent’s Stranglehold and Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On.

His friends and neighbors stop by and encourage him to “curse God and die.” Or at least cop a plea and ask for a reduced sentence. But Job stands by his man, much to Satan’s dismay. After collecting His winnings, God rewards Job by giving him… exactly the same life he had previously. No bonus. No home version of the game. Nothing.

Oh. He also gives him ten more kids. Cause that’s the kind of thing that makes life worth living.

The Flood
In what is widely viewed by theologians as “excessive and punitive,” God destroys the world with a flood.

First, God picks local winemaker Noah to be His village idiot and has him get busy building a ginormous boat. God also shows His contempt for the metric system by making Noah use measurements like “hand” and “cubit.”

Noah dutifully clearcuts the surrounding area, heads to Home Depot for a “Cubits to Real Dimensions” converter and spends the next 40+ years on the ultimate arts and crafts project. As if building an ark in your driveway wasn’t enough punishment, his neighbors show up just to heckle him. (“20% chance of rain, tops. You want I should get you an umbrella? The hell is that, a cubitstick?”)

After finishing the Ark, Noah kicks back with a good Merlot and waits for rain. God quickly ruins his day by ordering him to gather “two of every living creature.*” After stressing the importance of boy-girl pairing, God sets Noah to his task. “Even those creatures we’re sick of dealing with?” Noah asks. “Especially those,” God replies.

This accomplished, Noah herds his family onto the noisy, cramped and foul-smelling ark. God then proceeds to “make it rain on these hoes” for 40 days and nights. Noah’s neighbors, sensing they may have backed the wrong team, beg to be allowed to come aboard (“Let us in Noah. There must be, like, 20 or 30 cubits of water on the ground. We think.”), apologizing noisily for the “umbrella thing.”

After floating around aimlessly, the Ark finally runs ashore. God says, “Hey, Noah, my main man. How do you feel about repopulating the world through massive amounts of inbreeding?” Noah says, “That’s cool, I guess. We’re kind of sick of fucking the animals.”

Sociologists agree that this was the “tipping point” that pushed the world’s ensuing population to more than 50% stupid.

*except non-related human beings

Sodom
Once again, God’s pissed and He wants to break something. This time it’s Sodom, birthplace of the Shocker. Oh, and sodomy. He threatens to destroy the entire city unless 50 “righteous” men are found. Abraham, stoned out his gourd, says, “No problem. Those dudes are all pretty righteous.” God says, “You’ve got to be kidding me. Are you stoned? Again? It’s, like 8:30 in the morning.” And Abraham says, “It’s cool. I’ve been up all night. *giggle*”

Later, God and a more sober Abraham speak again. The word “righteous” is clarified and Abraham knows he’s screwed. He begins to work his lawyer mojo and bargains God down to one. A safe bet, since the one he’s referring to is his nephew, Lot.

God sends two angels to Sodom to warn Lot and his family of the city’s impending doom. The locals gather outside Lot’s house, demanding that he send out the two visitors so they can gang-bang them. Lot does what any gentleman would do in this situation. He refuses to send his guests out.

He refuses to send the guests out but offers them the use of his two virgin daughters. Smooth.

The townspeople refuse (this is Sodom, after all) and yell something about “banging some ass we haven’t had before,” leading Lot to believe that his daughters have misled him.

God then strikes the Sodomites blind, allowing Lot and his family to escape, and proceeds to rain fire on the evildoers. However, Lot’s wife, an avid swinger, takes a look back at all the random sex she’s leaving behind and is turned into a pillar of salt. Literally. (Even metaphorically, I don’t think it means anything.)

The Illustrated David and Bathsheba Fan Fiction Collection

The Illustrated David and Bathsheba Fan Fiction Collection

David & Bathsheba
David, king of Israel, while cutting thru the neighbor’s bushes one night, catches a glimpse of Uriah’s (one of his palace guards) wife, Bathsheba, as she bathes. Which is all she did, really, hence the nickname.

David uses his kingly powers of seduction to bang her a few times and, as often happens (especially in After School Specials), knocks her up.

He proceeds to do the honorable thing. He tries to talk Uriah into having lots of sex with his wife, starting immediately, in hopes that Uriah will mistake David Jr. for one of his own kids. No deal, says Uriah, preferring to follow the palace guidelines and stay with the rest of the guards (some speculation is allowed here).

David then proceeds to do the next honorable thing. He tells his general to take Uriah out to the next big battle and strand his non-marital-relationship-having ass way behind enemy lines.

Plan B works and David gets Bathsheba. Their new little bastard is born and then killed by a horrible disease, in accordance with the Hays Code.

Abraham & Isaac
God, bored shitless by an endless chorus of angelic praise, once again screws with Abraham. He commands him to head to Mt. Sinai and offer his son, Isaac, as a human sacrifice to Him.

Abraham, a true believer, hauls Isaac up the mountain mob-style, having him carry the wood and build the altar that he is to be killed on.

Isaac asks, with increasing paranoia, “Where’s the animal we’re going to sacrifice?” Abraham responds, “God will provide one, wink wink.”
“Why do you keep winking, Dad?”
“Ummmmmm… got some altar dust in my eye. Go ahead and get comfortable on that altar.”
“Why are you putting on those gloves, and that rubber apron?”
“I’m, uh, heading to the eyewash station, and I don’t want get my clothes bloody. Wet! Bloody wet!”

At the last moment, heaven’s governor grants a stay of execution. God says, “Well-played, dog. I thought you’d blink first, but you just had something in your eye. You ice cold, dog. Ice. Cold. Here, have a ram.”

For winning this game of “chicken” with God, Abraham received the reward of abundant prosperity and numerous children to spend it all. Full of good news and good “swimmers,” Abraham ditches his wife and heads out to marry his son’s cousin.

-CLT

Related writings on God and such:
What Jesus Can’t Save
The Real Story of Creation

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35 comments

  1. So great!

    Man, I love coming here…

    I hate to nitpick, but you got a biblical few facts wrong here, my friend (although we may be reading different biblical interpretations… I’m reading the St. Bingo version, how about you?).

    The Story of Job
    When Satan sits outside Job’s compound in a tank, he’s actually blaring the Nuge’s “Wango Tango”

    The Flood
    Noah wasn’t actually a local winemaker – he was a pimp, and all his hookers had hearts of gold…

    After finishing the Ark, Noah doesn’t kicks back with a good Merlot, but instead kicks back with a good three-way.

    Sodom
    God then strikes the Sodomites blind… According to my version, God introduces them to Nietzsche, who tells everyone “Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, just as it is the spirit of a spiritless situation. It is the opium of the people.” That’s when Karl Marx shows up and tells Nietzsche, “stop stealing my cool lines, you fucking douche.” Things get ugly when Perez Hilton shows up and says “If religion is the opiate of the masses, then celebrity culture is the crack cocaine.” By this point, God is at a bar with a headache and a gin and tonic…

    David & Bathsheba
    Uriah’s name was actually Urethra. Urethra’s name would later be constantly mentioned in the animated TV show “King of the Hill” where he would be referred to as “Narrow Urethra.”

    Abraham & Isaac
    God wasn’t bored shitless. He was stoned out of his gourd.


    • Oh, man. You should have wrote this post. You’re killing me. Not in the random, partricidal, biblical sense, thank god.

      I’m reading the very limited Antagonist’s Translation, which is prefaced with:

      “Why does this supposed Holy Book contain so many contradictions? Because fuck you, that’s why.”

      For some reason the gilded pages seem unnaturally sharp…


    • My preface reads “Listen up, sucker, everything in this book is true. You hear me? True! Now start swallowing it.”

      No, you reign supreme.

      A fabulous post, CLT.


  2. I absolutely cannot compete with this. I’m turning off my goddamn computer now and throwing back some Guinness stout.

    “Birthplace of the Shocker.” I love you, man.

    Although I seriously wish you hadn’t used the word “ginormous.”


    • I was contractually obligated to say “ginormous” as somehow Will Ferrell showed up in some home movies of mine. Along with Christopher Walken. And somehow, Judd Apatow is producing my next six videos with options on two more.


  3. And also, God drinks gin? What kind of pansy ass god is he? I think I just lost all my respect for him.


    • Hey! He’s watching you. And he’s a nasty drunk.

      😉


    • It’s really just fuel for his nightly crack pipe hunt.


  4. Because Fuck you, that’s why reminded me of this. http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/sean_connery_joke.htm

    And really, I’m leaving. Leaving. Bye now.


    • Ah. That’s excellent.

      I can totally hear him going that.


  5. The Alan and BKT show has hit the road. Coming soon to a blog near you!


    • She’ll be back…


    • The blog nearest me is some guy trying to talk out his bladder control problems. Don Somebody.


    • Mills… Don Mills. (James Bond music sting!)


  6. That’s Mr. Dr. Sir Don Mills, Detective and honorary mayor of the Whitest City I Know.


  7. That’s the guy.

    Named after one of North America’s first planned communities.


  8. Hahahaha! Yeah, that’s the place!


  9. I like the romantic-comedy parts of the bible, like when Noah asked his girlfriend to marry him and she was all like, “this is the most beautiful diamond ever” and Noah laughed and said to himself, “she doesn’t know it’s cubit zirconium”… Hey! Where’s everybody going?


    • Or that time in the mid-80’s when Noah brought home a gadget called a Rubit’s Cube for the kids to play with…

      Thanks for stopping by, Rooster.


  10. I don’t know about your exegesis, but that it included a Uwe Boll reference is tops. Funny stuff CLT.


    • Unless I’m mistaken, Germany had been free of troublesome individuals for hundreds of years until Boll effed it all up.

      Always good to see you, FJ.


  11. I have come to the Church of CLT to worship. It’s all so clear to me now. This is much better than the King James version.


    • Yeah, the King James version… Throw around enough “thee’s” and “thou’s” and no one can tell you’re talking about sex, murder and ordained-mayhem.

      Thanks for choosing to worship here, cc.


  12. I can’t see the downside!

    Unless, much like the MLM scheme of “you sign up two people, and they sign up two people,” you’ll exponentially run out of virgins.


  13. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s the coffee (Pulp Fiction reference: “DAMN that’s a good cup of coffee”), but I read the Noah caption about moving to the suburbs and started laughing hysterically.

    Couldn’t stop.

    Fell off the chair.

    It was like some kind of comedic trigger, and we’ve all heard that “moving to the suburbs” line before, but the dated picture really drove it home.

    Thanks, CLT. Your jokes complete me.


    • A great writer once said “A little juxtaposition goes a long way.” (I think it was Nora Roberts.)

      I heard it as “Juxtapose. That’s the key. All the time. Always.”

      And here we are.

      Thanks for the visit, Dan.


  14. Jesus, CLT, and in this case I really do mean Jesus. I wish you were teaching bible study like, everywhere. I’m laughing my way through this and yet thinking how right you are. Did George Carlin stay at your house once? You’re in the zone, brother.


    • I think I would be disallowed from adjusting the faith of young people due to constant references to anal sex and marijuana-using biblical figures.

      Although, who knows? The 7th Day Adventists are hiring lesbians so perhaps my world view will soon be de riguer for those who like their religion to be easily dismissable.


  15. This was right before we joined forces to take over this thing. Awesome! You’ve motivated my to go back and read your archives more consistently.

    BTW, I thought Sunday school now taught kids to hate gays, minorities, liberals and education nowadays?


    • As you’ll see from my above comment, Scott, it’s entirely possible that Sunday School may now be used to encourage consequence-free gay sex with minorities, liberals and skeezy professors now.


  16. Looking forward to re-reading this in 2011 as well. With my gradual cognitive decline and memory deficits (“Frizzy Dendrite Syndrome”), it will be as fresh as the first time and will re-validate your geniusosity. Dude, u are awesome!!


    • E3, I’m looking forward to reposting this in 2011 as another turgid episode of “The Decline and Fall of CLT: America’s Beloved Wordsmith.” I’ll try to accompany it with some graphic first-hand accounts of driving to the ‘hood to score some crack for roommate “Pistol” Pete Doherty.


  17. Love this! Fucking hilarious!



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