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A Day in the Life of a Blogger

January 19, 2010
Ted's license plate indicated that he liked to be punched in the face repeatedly.

Ted's license plate indicated that he liked to be punched in the face repeatedly.

AFK temporarily. Here’s a blast from the past. (Originally published May 8, 2009.)
-CLT

8:07 am – Shortly after arriving at work, a co-worker says something particularly inane. You say to yourself, (or so you think) “That’s going in the blog, douche.”

Your co-worker asks, “What did you say?” You cover quickly, “I said I have a lot of work. To do. Over where…I do my work. Douche.”

Good save! Publish.

9:19 am – You decide to play chicken with the economy by writing a long diatribe on the inept management at your thinly disguised company.

I work for a large and evil software corporation whose products are nearly as omnipresent as Windows on houses.

Sneaky! Publish.

10:01 am – First break. The local food jobber’s circular contains some extraneous quotation marks. You mercilessly point this out.

Burn! Publish.

11:13 am – While theoretically working, you stumble across a Jesse McCartney fan site curated by a 12-year old girl. You rip the site creator to shreds in the comments, questioning their intelligence, correcting their grammar and suggesting her parents needed a better brand of birth control.

You then head to your blog to add a post ripping the site creator to shreds, questioning their intelligence and speculating on her family tree. You add a link to your post connecting you back to your original incisive comments.

Self-fulfilling! Publish.

12:31 pm – You read an article in the local newspaper about a horrific case of child abuse. You figure if anyone can find the “funny” in this story, you can. Too soon?

Never! Publish.

1:45 pm– You run across a great article on HuffPo. You add a couple of sentences and drop in a few F-bombs.

Original! Publish.

2:30 pm – You duck out of work early and head to the mall. You score a new hat.

Bonus! Publish.

3:12 pm – Some junk mail arrives with your name misspelled.

Idiots! Publish.

3:16 pm – Your electric bill has gone up for the second straight month! You rant about the electric company, their founders, the current political climate, the “man” in general and question the sexual orientation of all involved.

Outrage! Publish.

3:56 pm– You give an online phisher some key bank account information with the hopes that this will turn into a long series of investigative posts and prepare to go all Internet Batman on their asses.

Stay tuned! Publish.

4:41 pm– Even though a million bloggers have written a million words on the RIAA’s rampant jackassery, you see no reason it shouldn’t be 1,000,927.

Skewer! Publish.

5:17 pm – During your court-ordered stint with the Boys and Girls Club, some teenagers make some cutting remarks about your archaic slang and mock your love of 90’s alternative rock. Now you know what’s wrong with today’s youth. Everything!

Fuck me gently with a chainsaw! Publish.

6:11 pm – You make a particularly cutting remark to your (soon to be ex) girlfriend about her choice of outerwear. Her reaction is priceless.

Zing! Publish.

7:01 pm– Your evening plans of whiskey and XBox are interrupted by a bicycle-riding door-to-door religion salesman. After a scintillating conversation, wherein you agree to disagree, you barricade the door and blog about the many problems with organized religion.

Your post? Praying to solve a problem is only slightly less useless than blogging about it.

Goddamned! Publish.

8:03 pm– In a shameless effort to grab page views, you begin randomly tagging your posts with these selections: fake boobs, real boobs, fuck you, octomom, personal lubrication, Susan Boyle, mp3, Paris Hilton, Perez Hilton, free money, Nickelback sucks, conficker, swine flu, naked photos and Humor.

Your posts, of course, contain none of these things.

Zeitgeisted! Publish.

9:29 pm – While cutting through the park on the way to your weed dealer, you come across three dogs going at it in a way that would embarrass German porn stars. After three or four bong hits, you find a way to connect it to an otherwise uneventful day at work.

Dog eat dog eat dog! Publish.

10:17 pm– After drinking alone for several hours, you consider drunk-dialing your estranged girlfriend. Instead you decide to go all Charles Bukowski and rant semi-poetically about what bullshit relationships are. Chicks only dig assholes.

Fuck spellcheck! Publish.

11:30 pm – Buzzed up and hungry, you head to the local convenience store for some snacks. Your bank card is turned down and the clerk seems distracted by muffled yells originating from the stockroom. You return home empty-stomached and angry.

The bank will hear about this in the morning, but the Internet will hear about it tonight!

Bullshit! Publish.

12:08 am– Having exhausted any good ideas, you bang out a hyperbolic rundown of the day’s events and shove it into the blogosphere. After hitting F5 on the Dashboard a few times, you head to bed.

Pointless! Publish.

Tip of the cap to the many blogs that keep me entertained on a daily basis:
Sick Days
Stop Annoying Me
Fundamental Jelly
Prison Diary…
The Problem with Young People Today Is…
Your Religion Is False

-CLT

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26 comments

  1. An eventful day. Maybe your girlfriend will take you back if she knows you blogged about her.


    • I hope so. I may run out of blog ammo if there’s no one around to play the straight (wo)man to my cutting wit.


  2. Some days life is too good. Not only do I get the pleasure of reading your incredibly great blog, but while I’m laughing my ass off reading this post, I’m doing it while listening to Deathset and A Place to Bury Strangers. You, my friend, rock!


    • I believe that’s what all those advertising execs and efficiency experts refer to as “synergy.”

      Always good to see you, Alan. Thanks for stopping by.


  3. Funny shit CLT. Its kickass. Publish.


    • Nice to see you, FJ. I’m hoping that a few more posts of this dubious quality will get WordPress to send me my license plate.


  4. Great post. And funny because it’s true.

    Well done CLT.


    • I think it was Socrates that said, “There is no greater humour than that which is had at others’ expense.”

      Or it might have been Jesus.

      Either way, it’s great to see you up and about, Ram. Fight the power!


  5. Enough of this CLT. You are making my site look like shite! You are good, sir…very damned good.


    • I’m sure it’s just a typo. Happens all the time. Website, webshite.

      You post twice as often and are much funnier than I am. Not much more, mind you. Perhaps even a little less.


  6. psstt.. I read this a long time ago, but I was afraid to tell you how wonderful you were!
    😉

    I overcome my fears quickly


    • You did. Good for you! After all, the internet is no place to keep your opinion to yourself. Just ask the good folks in the Youtube comments.

      Thanks for the very kind whisper, CC.


  7. Jesus, CLT. To quote my favorite sniper of all time in the movie “Saving Private Ryan” . . . “That boy’s got some talent.”

    You, sir, have outrageous humongous and humongous humorus talent. Few people can actually pull rythm off while they make you laugh like hell (must be your musical mind), but you succeeded quite well, in an old blues call-and-response method that killed, between sick narrative and “Publish”, like voice and drum-guitar. Fantastic!


    • Thanks very much for the compliments, Dan. As this was from back in my unread heyday, I tend to look at it more like the sniper’s victim: “That boy had talent.”

      I’m glad you enjoyed it, especially the blues-y hooks that held the premise together.

      Great to see you again, Dan.


  8. Forgive my over-the-top gushing . . . I’m still laughing like hell!


    • Feel free to continue, Dan. I won’t stop you and as far as I can tell (or at least observe after scrolling thru the mammoth threads at “Sick Days”) there’s no limits to the amount of comments you can dump into one thread.


  9. As someone who got in late in the game, I missed many of your earlier posts. Please continue to recyle.


    • E3-

      I will continue to recycle as life events/writer’s block/blogger’s laziness warrant.


  10. That sounds like almost everyday of my life except for the ‘at work’ observations. I loved the nonsensical tags, I do the same thing. I’ve found that Paris Hilton Naked and Sarah Palin’s All Anal Shoot works wonders for google stats.


    • Aha! So that’s your license plate up top! Prepare for the beating of your virtual life!

      I love the tag system and often abuse it heavily. Not abuse it in the Search Engine Optimization way, but rather in the “let’s see if we can squeeze one more half-assed joke/insult into the part that hardly anyone reads.”


  11. Its still funny CLT and May seems like a decade ago. Laugh. Comment. Publish.


    • May does seem like such a long time ago, FJ. We were so different then. [Allow music to swell.]

      I was still young and full of promise.
      Your blog still featured words nearly 50% of the time.
      Ram was in prison or Mexico.
      Alan was still wasting his talent by cranking out something-or-other about an office and whatnot.
      The late Don Mills was still a gleam in someone’s eye.

      So much has changed.

      Wonderful to see you, FJ, although by the time this belated reply reaches you, I fear the worst may have already happened. [choke back sob]


  12. It’s a classic, CLT. In fact, this is the post that tuned me into a stalker (er, I mean fan) of your blog…

    BRB…(I have to Google WTF AFK means…)


    • Wunderbar, as they say in the old country (television). It’s always nice to know when people went from not being aware of your existence to leaving disconcerting messages in your comment threads.

      Oh, and BTW, how did the Google search go? Mine said: “Did you mean to buy a vowel?


  13. I’ve been doing it all wrong… big surprise.


    • Well, unfortunate as that is, you’re at least trimming down any compounding of errors by limiting your publishing to once a week.

      Nice to see you, RR.



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