The Fancy Plans Guide to American Cars

January 12, 2010

With the recession hitting Americans in the pocketbook (and, occasionally, the groin), you need to arm yourself with as much information as possible before wandering into the nearest car dealership. Take advantage of this brief guide to familiarize yourself with some of the more popular vehicles available today, including some available yesterday.

Requires 18,000 "C" Batteries (not included)

Chevy Volt
The stillborn lovechild of GM’s on-again, off-again, frequently government-mandated love affair with electric vehicles, the near-mythical Chevy Volt boasts a 40-mph top speed and 40 miles between plug-ins.

While the American public has yet to embrace a slow-moving car that can’t go anywhere, GM (and our government) have their fingers crossed that they are only a feature-length slide show away from being converted.

Pros: Doesn’t run on pure evil fossil fuels.
Cons: Can be commandeered by any 10-year old with an RC controller.

The official Jonas Brothers' tour vehicle: guarantees virginity for life.

Pontiac Aztek
Sporting a design rejected by Hot Wheels manufacturer Mattel as “too ridiculous,” the Aztek’s odd angles and ugly-ass plastic accents appeal to the “classic gamer” type, who get all misty-eyed and nostalgic when presented with low-polygon count screenshots like this:

Featuring graphics you can cut yourself on!

Pros: Vehicle is its own anti-theft device.
Cons: Also appeals to Crocs aficionados.

Cute, impractical and surprisingly expensive. Then there's the mini-Escalade.

Cadillac Escalade
Vehicle of choice for multi-platinum rap stars and welfare recipients alike. (Note: these terms are not mutually exclusive.) The Escalade appeals to the inner showboating thug in all of us, meaning it is very popular with young, white males.

While not going through gas like Garfield through lasagna (gangbusters!), the Escalade also emits low-frequency bass mating calls that, when coupled with flashing lights and shiny spinners, often attract members of the opposite sex with low self-esteem and even lower standards.

Pros: Also available in bulletproof.
Cons: Gives police an unneccessary “head start” when racial profiling.

This Hummer shows off its patented "Fuck You" automatic parking assist.

A symbol of American military prowess and conspicuous consumption, the Humvee is possibly the most patriotic vehicle you can buy. Although now owned by the Chinese, the new owners say they plan no major changes to the Hummer.

Unfortunately, its new heritage may adversely affect vehicle enjoyment according to J.D. Power and Associate’s latest study.

“…[n)ow when you clip a meandering mall-walker with the front bumper while jostling for a prime parking space, you may no longer feel the vicarious thrill of being knee-deep in the shit surge and running over IED-waving insurgents. This type of normally enjoyable event may instead find you empathizing with your average Tiananmen Square tank commander, as you are faced down by a solitary shopper.”

Pros: Still 1st in the “Vehicle Name with Oral Sex Connotations” division, slightly ahead of the Porsche Boxster and the Chevrolet Cocksucker LE.
Cons: Goes from 0-60 mph in 7.5 gallons.

Also available in Chartreuse, Boa and Cheetah.

1976 Cadillac Eldorado
Measuring in at slightly over 112 ft. long and made entirely out of Americans, the “instant classic” Eldorado is the vehicle of choice for septuagenarians and pimps alike. Whether meandering slowly to the nearest breakfast buffet or rounding up new “interns” at the Greyhound Bus depot, the 1977 Cadillac Eldorado defines luxury and style. (To see how the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines luxury and style, click here and here.)

Pros: 74 combined feet of front and rear crumple zones.
Cons: 35 mph top speed; blinker default setting – “Always On”



  1. Chevy Volt — Haha, Chevrolet almost pulled a fast one. The slanty-eyed headlights made me think this was an Asian car which immediately made me think it was reliable and want to buy it.

    Jonas Bros — Agreed. This is not a car you want to flip over and bang no matter how much Boone’s Farm you may have ingested.

    Cadillac Escalade — Now here is a car that can bang me (in style)

    Hummer — Can’t think of a better vehicle that epitomizes my driving style (while blasting Ludicris’ “Move Bitch”)

    1976 Cadillac Eldorado — my mind instantly flashed your description and I got a ‘satisfaction surge’ from anticipating CLT’s post

    Brilliant as always.

    • Welcome, elizabeth and congrats on the rare “first to post” status.

      – Yes, Chevy has decided to make vehicles look more reliable, thus hoping to dodge the responsiblity and hard work that would go into actually making them more reliable.

      – Snow Creek Berry is good stuff, but not that good. You’d also need a solid hallucinogen.

      – While I am a fan of agressive driving, aggressive parking is another matter. I’m not afraid to add my door dings to someone else’s much more expensive vehicle in this sort of situation.

      – J.D. Power & Assocs. also reports that “…CLT still ranks highly in initial thrills and high-mileage satisfaction surges. Also, he is finally available in ‘green.'”

      Thanks for the multi-tiered comment, elizabeth. Always great to see you.

  2. Lol funny shit. But sreiously, the Volt is gonna be pretty awesome. Did you know its coming out later this year? I read about it here: http://www.kaycircle.com/index.php?q=What-is-the-Chevy-Volt-release-date

    • If it’s truly going to be awesome, they’re going to need to do something about the horrendous payback time:


      “…the payback time for an all-electric vehicle in the U.S. is about 15 years, and for an extended-range vehicle such as the Chevrolet Volt it would be 19 years, the study finds.”

      Who else here has held on to a Chevy for 19 years?

      Thanks for the comment, Jerry.

  3. Milk coming out my nose funny CLT, dude I’m dying. Its all fucking true too.

    • That’s where real “funny” lies, FJ. The truth.

      Wow, that previous pair of sentences makes nearly no sense at all. All the same, I’d rather continue to demonically mix lies with the truth than actually sort that all out.

      You may want to switch to skim. Much easier on the sinuses and tastes like bad water.

  4. This was a highly informative and entertaining post CLT! I think I’m going to purchase an Aztek for my daughter since you personally guaranteed that it itself (weird phrasing I know) guarantees virginity for life. Uh, can I get that in writing though? Or maybe I should just get her the mini-Escalade since I know she couldn’t fit a boy in there even if he was chopped up. –Just a little fatherly humor there hahaha.

    The bookie that I eventually took over for in the ‘way back when’ had a 73 baby blue Eldorado, and that thing was sweet! You did a hell of a job with this post and if you can convince me which car would be better for my daughter (she’s currently 10) I’ll make damn sure that you get a nice commission.

    • I not only guarantee it, but I am willing to wager whatever’s left of GM’s credibility on it. You can take that to the bank, pending federal bailout.

      You’re right about the mini-Escalade: it’s either/or in that situation. I’d go with the minced boyfriend myself. No one ever searches a kiddie car.

      Here’s an easy way to figure out which is the best vehicle for your daughter: Wait until decision time and pick out some reliable vehicles. These will all be rejected and you’ll be springing for some modded Malibu with a pony in the trunk or some other such bullshit.

      Two words: Reverse Fucking Psychology.

      Hit her with the Malibu suggestion and you may find her siding with a sensible Corolla or Accord.

  5. Very funny, CLT, and always wonderful to see a Garfield reference. Damned cat cracks me up everytime.

    The folks at Cadillac should look into some marketing partnerships. A Garfield eating a lasagna decal could become the new “Calvin pissing on a..(fill in the blank). Funny, but classier.

    • Don-

      I think you’ve got something right there. Garfield eating a Ford logo would sell like hotcakes (or lasagna). If there’s a franchise out there that hasn’t been exploited to death by unrelated merchandise, it’s Garfield.

  6. Orange juice (extra pulp) coming out my nose funny, CLT. (Unfortunately I’m lactose intolerant).

    There are enough memorable quotes in this post to write a post on (Oh, that Irony!) but if you don’t mind, I’d like to have the following two bronzed:

    “Pros: Vehicle is its own anti-theft device.
    Cons: Also appeals to Crocs aficionados.”

    I then plan to hang them on the dashboard of my new Azteck like a set of extremely heavy yet always attention-grabbing fuzzy dice.

    (Er, let me know if that’s a problem.)

    • Sorry to hear about your lactose intolerance and I have to imagine that burns like hell. Nothing but acid and pulp through the nostrils, like a night out with Pete Doherty. Or Kate Moss. Or Alan Truitt.

      You can have those bronzed. They’ll look sharp (and possibly be sharp, especially the V’s and A’s) so be prepared to duck when cornering or accelerating.

      Thanks for the spit-take and comment, bschooled. You put the “fun” back into Aztek ownership, and the Aztek puts the quotes back around fun.

  7. You are one funny CLT, CLT, and I mean that repeatedly, like a Mac-10 spitting lead from an Escalade to the rap lyrics of Lil’ Wayne (am I even close to musically correct?).

    I’m so damn white.

    Anyway . . . I came close to owning the El Dorado, but opted for a white ’77 Caddy Coupe de Ville with red leather interior; Ohhhhh yeeeeeeeah. When it came time to sell, my tire kickers ranged from Huggy Bears to AARP members between rounds of golf. It was all good.

    Killer post, and worth a million laughs. You rock.

    • Dan, you are so very close to musically correct, which, not coincindentally, is close to being driven-by’ed drive-byed? drived-by? shot at by passing motorists.

      The Coupe De Ville ranks right up there for both the retirement community and certain segments of the “entertainment” industry. (When I put “entertainment” in quotes, it usually means “exhanging services or goods for money,” and when I say “exchanging services or goods for money,” I of course mean prostitution.)

      Great to see you again, Dan.

  8. I love cars, but after reading this I feel silly for feeling that way. I will now focus on my ‘Matchbox’ collection in shame.

    • There’s no shame in a large Matchbox collection. Well, not much. Just enough shame, really. It’s the Hot Wheels that are really shameful. And the less said about Micro Machines, the better.

  9. Am i showing off my “nerd” when i guess that the game you used is none other than “quest” on the N64?


    • Awesome display of “nerd,” NR. Only a game with the imaginative name “Quest” could supply you with an equally-imaginatively named companion “Horse.”

  10. I loved your post. This had me laughing extremely hard.

    • Thanks very much for that, Lauren. I’m glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for checking us out.

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