Life’s Little Lessons: Vol. 2

January 4, 2010

Life's Little Lessons (in conjunction with Fancy Plans) would like to remind you not to stare into the sun, dumbass.

Today you are faced with a crisis: your wife/girlfriend has returned from a Christian women’s retreat with a rare combination case of pregnancy and lesbianism. You have several choices on how to handle this, the most important of which may be to determine whether this is your girlfriend or your wife.

You may have several questions, especially of the “chicken or the egg” variety, or possibly of the “cart before the horse” variety. These questions are not unimportant, but they are unlikely to provide satisfactory answers.

As you ponder this conundrum (from the Latin “conundra,” or “WTF???”), you’ll find that the possibilities of life are endless, especially those of the “bad-to-worse” variety.

Try to approach this with love. “Honey, you know I love you, but what the fucking fuck?” Your unexpected tenderness and casual swearing may allow your suddenly less-significant other to open up, much like she apparently did for Pastor Dan and to a lesser extent, Pastor Dan’s soon-to-be-estranged wife.

If you can do it, try to see this from her viewpoint. This may be initially easy as you can probably imagine fucking several other women at this point, but it may be much more difficult to see it her way in relation to Pastor Dan. Unless, of course, your sexual relationship has already included a fair amount of role reversal and scented lubricants.

Don’t allow yourself to be sucked in by all the negative aspects. Try to remain positive and look for possible benefits:

  • A lucrative settlement from a lawsuit against Pastor Dan and his church.
  • You may finally learn Pastor Dan’s last name.
  • There’s always blackmail. That’s kind of fun.
  • Hot lesbian sex happening within possible earshot/eyeshot.
  • With adultery and lesbianism removed from your church’s “taboo” list, you may finally be able to take the “governor” off your own life, so to speak.
  • A lifetime supply of instant argument winners.
  • Most conversations will now be awkward for the other person.

If you look at these unfortunate incidents with the right mindset, you’ll find it easy to grow as a human being, if only more childish and resentful.

For instance, consider this piece of wisdom from the ancient Chinese: the symbol for “crisis” is the same as the symbol for “opportunity.” As you can see, every problem can bring about positive changes. The correlation also holds true in other areas, as the Chinese symbol for “peace” is also their symbol for “world domination.”

As your life partner prepares to head off for a lifetime of “box lunches” down at the “Y,” you too can be prepared to view every potential partner with a mixture of deep-seated suspicion and somewhat rational paranoia. All while raising someone else’s kid. (Just like Joseph! Except for the “lesbian” part, I guess.)

Coming up on “Life’s Little Lessons:”
Your Diner’s Club card is rejected down at the local eatery and its very existence mocked openly.



  1. CLT,

    You are like the non-denominational Dr. James Dobson of difficult (yet extremely uncommon) relationship issues. And even though you may not know “WTF” that means (truth be told, neither may I), it is what it is. Kind of like a proverbial “fly in the milk”, so to speak.

    Regardless, even though I wasn’t able to relate to certain aspects of this thought-provoking post (I had a little trouble with the whole “imagine fucking several other women” and finding the good in “hot lesbian sex” parts), I still feel as though I came out of it a more positive and “life-learned” individual.

    Not only that, I now know which Chinese symbol I want to have tattooed on my ankle next week. (I’d originally planned to go with the yin-yang symbol, but that was before I found out that it didn’t actually stand for “Reverse 69 With A Black Guy”).


    Anyway, I just want to say that I stand corrected, CLT. Nobody does lists OR life lessons like you do lists or life lessons. For realz.

    (I would have put the “OR” in italics, but I still don’t know how to do that.)

    • Bschooled,

      If I may hand out a little more “advice,” (you’ll see why it’s in quotes in a moment) if you’re having trouble relating to the “hot lesbian sex” or the “fucking several other women,” perhaps you just need a proxy to do the imagining (and photography) for you. Possibly TL.

      I’m glad that, despite your lack of a proper lesbian Imagineering degree, you were able to take something of value away from this.

      Good luck with your new tattoo. “World Domination” looks great on an ankle or forearm (like Popeye).

      No one brings all the flies to the milkshake that subsequently brings all the boys to the yard like you do, bschooled. Keep on keeping on.

    • The lesbianism threw me for a loop too, but howled at the “box lunches at the Y” reference (my last laugh of the night before I retire). If I may, I would like to share with bschooled how to italicize (nonnie999 was kind enough to explain it to me recently): use the shift key and click the symbol above the comma (do this right before the work you want to italicize) then click i, followed by the symbol (with the shift key depressed again) located above the period. At the end of the word you want to italicize, click in the same order, except this time, insert a forward slash right before the i. I hope I explained it right. It’s five am and time for bed.

      P.S. I am so glad there is now the option to “notify me of new posts”…now I can be more current!

    • *word

    • E3-

      Thanks for the instructions on how to “lez up” your plain ol’ text. And, of course, thanks for the visit and comment.

      Get some sleep. (I realize this comment comes hours after your last laugh of the night, but don’t let that fact taint the sincerity of the statement.)

    • Gracias Elizabeth!

  2. As hilarious as this is, it’s no laughing matter. This kind of thing has happened to …….someone I know… many, many, many times. And it’s not just church retreats that you have to watch out for. Other wife/girlfriend/mistress stealing/borrowing/renting situations of cheating have included…..

    ‘Weekends with the girlfriends’
    ‘Lunch’ with the girlfriends
    Yoga retreat
    Weekend in Vegas
    Going out for a drink with the girlfriends
    Lamas classes
    Baby shower
    Real shower (with the girlfriends)
    Taking the dog for a walk
    Going out for groceries
    Going out for a pack of smokes
    Going out to pick up some drugs
    Going out to roll up the windows to the car
    ‘Doing some gardening’

    And it’s not just the lesbianism you have to look out for either. It might be guys, girls, transgender, group sex, S&M clubs, or even masturbation circles, but no matter what it is, she’s never coming back…not really. So all I’m saying is to just be careful is all. Just be careful and carry a gun. A big gun. Not that I’ve ever been cheated on mind you. But I know this guy………

    • Good lord, Scott. Our average everyday life is fraught with lesbianistic peril! There’s no telling where they’re actually going or what they’re actually doing, but you can be sure it involves other women and perhaps some accessories.

      No wonder all those protestors are always marching with their misspelled signs. The fate of the US rests on their shoulders. We can’t live in a world where “going out to pick up some drugs” doesn’t actually mean “going out to pick up some drugs.”

      That’s not America!

  3. Classic!! “A lifetime supply of instant argument winners,” is a great line. Nice CLT.

    • Thanks, FJ. Who wouldn’t want a lifetime supply of those?

  4. “A lifetime supply of instant argument winners.” – that’s pure gold Pony-boy! Stay gold.
    I am a big fan of the “horse before the cart” position. Any partner willing to do that deserves a little life-crushing extracurricular activity from time to time.

    • The “horse before the cart” comes from the rarely seen (and even more rarely used) Amish Kama Sutra.

  5. “Amish Kama Sutra”… that’s hilarious! For realz…

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