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The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 5

December 29, 2009

The Bible is full of parables and stories that teach us valuable lessons through the suffering of others. Perhaps no story teaches us more than the story of Job. It teaches us that God toys with his creation and falls victim to a manipulative and bitchy Satan too easily.

Meet Job: an all-around good guy who gets his ass (and asses) handed to him during a supernatural game of Truth-or-Dare.

Previous blasphelarious (thanks, shearviscosity!) translations available here:
The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Archive

Job's friends interrupt his "8-Minute Abs" session with suggestions that he up his reps; curse God; die.

1 There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil. The neighbors hated him. With a passion. Especially since he kept them up late at night, eschewing evil, often with his mouth open.

2 And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters. Like in that movie, Three Brides for Seven Brothers, which was a big hit in West Virginia and smaller cults worldwide.

3 His substance also was seven thousand sheep, and three thousand camels, and five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses, and a very great household; so that this man was the greatest of all the men of the east. So not only was he perfect and upright, but he had a metric shitload of stuff, including some of the best ass around. God. I’m sick of him already.

4 And his sons went and feasted in their houses, every one his day; and sent and called for their three sisters to eat and to drink with them. Because they all had their own houses, what with their filthy rich dad and there was always enough mutton and camel and ass to go around.

5 And it was so, when the days of their feasting were gone about, that Job sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning, and offered burnt offerings according to the number of them all: for Job said, It may be that my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did Job continually, hedging his bets to stave off any unwarranted judgement from God. (FORESHADOWING) This generally took him the better part of the week, which meant that he was at least three days behind by Tuesday and by Friday it was last winter.

6 Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them. Right up there on the list of reasons why God cast out Satan: constant gatecrashing. He also mentioned something about his “bogarting” of joints and never having any “stash” of his own. Plus he once peed in the linen closet.

In this tangentially-related etching, Job and unknown others discuss the pros and cons of cursing God; dying.

7 And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it. I’m just passing through, dawg. No need to get all uptight.

8 And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? Hast thou also considered his fine sons and daughters, who have GPAs in the upper 4’s and multiple extracurricular activities? Hast thou also not seen his annual food drive and UNICEF cans? And his organ donor card?

9 Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, Doth Job fear God for nought? Hast thou not laid thine “pimp hand” down like thou did to thy servant Jonah a few chapters from now?

10 Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land. Why shouldst he bitch, when thou hooketh him up constantly?

11 But put forth thine pimp hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. Seriously. I bet I can get the F-bomb out of him.

12 And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. Because I am a vengeful and wrathful God. And I’m a sucker for playing the spread and looking like a big man in front of the demons. So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD and mentally counted his winnings. (Which were not monetary, thus making the whole “playing the spread” thing irrelevant.)

13 And there was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother’s house. This would be a day that ended in “y.”

14 And there came a messenger unto Job, and said, The oxen were plowing, and the asses feeding beside them. Because they’re lazy asses. The oxen are starting to complain that someone should “write those asses up.” Anyway… that’s not the important part...

15 And the Sabeans fell upon them, and took them away; yea, they have slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. So… don’t worry about the write-ups. The problem seems to have solved itself. Although we will need to hire some new servants…

Subtitled "Job, Shut the Fuck Up or Get the Fuck Out!"

16 While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The fire of God is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the sheep, and the servants, and consumed them; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. I mean, I think it was Godfire. I was enjoying a post-sheep banging cigarette and I think I dozed off. Next thing I know, it’s like a Fiery Furnace (self-referential!) out there, only with an awful “burning mattress” smell.

17 While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The Chaldeans made out three bands, and fell upon the camels, and have carried them away, yea, and slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Worst Lollapalooza ever. Three bands. Slain servants. The headliner was Bush. ClearChannel isn’t issuing refunds and I left my Camels in my other ironic t-shirt.

18 While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, Thy sons and thy daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother’s house. You know, ’cause it’s a day that ends with “y”? And they’re known lushes?

19 And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. I told them to make it out of brick, but no one listens to old Gerald. Not until he’s the last guy standing.

20 Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, (One Mantle: available month-to-month. 350 shekel deposit. No dogs.)

21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. To be honest, I liked the LORD better when he was giving, but what can you do? He also liketh the taking. Perhaps too much.

22 In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. (God, feeling obligated by his massive screwing of Job, agreed to pick up the lease on the mantle and signed a 12-month agreement. Job appreciated this gesture and threw in a new flatscreen TV during God’s six-month extension.)

-CLT

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10 comments

  1. Do you know why I play tennis? That’s right, to keep my pimp hand strong.

    Of all the stuff you do this series has to be my favorite. I actually love the story of Job. It’s got everything I could want in a story; gambling, good, evil, suffering and redemption. Plus it makes me think that for every ounce of suffering I go through (my ass) I’ll get two ounces of gold back. Yay!


    • Scott! Great to see you, sore ass and all. Watch out for that pimp elbow… it’s a killer.

      Thanks for the compliments. This series is one of my favorites as well. Just a little “thank you” for all the hard work that went in to trying to raise me to be a good Christian.


  2. “Are you there God? It’s me, Bschooled.

    Yeah, I know it’s been a while, but what can I say… I just haven’t really needed anything lately.

    God, please help me to understand the book of Job. I’ve absentmindedly skimmed his story a few (or one) times now, but I still don’t really get what his deal is.

    I was thinking you could start by translating the story into layman’s/rapping pimp terms while at the same time dropping as many hath/hast/eth bombs as humanely* possible (just to keep the word count up).

    (*secular pun)

    And not to sound dictatorial or anything (who am I? God? Ha!) , but you should really “kick the Religious wit” up a notch. Because let’s face it, right now it’s kind of dull. (Maybe start by throwing some mary jane, “literal ass” and a few alcoholic relatives into the mix? Your call.)

    I just think that if you made these disciples (is that what the kids were calling them back then?) a little more “hip”, then we could all relate to them a little more.

    (The bestiality references can stay, though…that shit’s pretty much timeless.)

    Thanks G. Oh, and thanks again for changing the term from “belted sanitary napkins” to “adhesive sanitary pads”. I was starting to sound really outdated there for a while.

    Ah…men.”

    …Brilliant read, CLT. Not only did you answer my prayers, you answered them side-splittingly. (Don’t ask me what that means, it’s obvious from my comment that I’m not fully awake yet.)


    • Bschooled,

      I don’t know how it’s possible, but Scott beat you in here. (Not literally, of course… unless you just hide the bruising really well.)

      However, he failed to drop a single secular pun and not a single asterisk. He did abuse the word “pimp” a little.

      Thanks for the uproarious comment, bschooled. If this is how you write when you’re not fully awake, no wonder your company took home several awards at the Chemies.


  3. Of course you’ll roast in sulfur forever, but damn its funny stuff CLT.


    • Of course. But still, at least we can all go laughing. (You’re coming with, right?)


  4. Please reserve an adjacent chair by throwing a singed sweater on the seat. I believe TL will be joining me so you better reserve two chairs.

    “I was enjoying a post-sheep banging cigarette”

    Great line. Who knew religion could be so fun? Reminds me of two oft-quoted beauties by Mark Twain:

    “Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company”

    and

    “But who prays for Satan? Who in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most, our one fellow and brother who most needed a friend yet had not a single one, the one sinner among us all who had the highest and clearest right to every Christian’s daily and nightly prayers, for the plain and unassailable reason that his was the first and greatest need, he being among sinners the supremest?”

    …and to quote bschooled, “brilliant read.”


    • Consider two extra seats saved, unlike our eternal souls.

      Great quotes, elizabeth and I’m including bschooled in that. Absolutely dead on. No one prays for Satan and he needs it the most.


  5. I loved Job in ‘LawnMower Man’.


    • Ha!

      He was also good in “Arrested Development,” although his name was spelled differently…



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