The Fancy Plans Guide to Illegal Drugs

December 23, 2009

In an effort to educate, divert stoner pageviews and retain our title of “Enabler of the Year,” we at Fancy Plans present our well-rounded guide to illegal drugs. Please note that the editors of this site encourage drug use, especially among teenagers, whose disposable income levels are fast approaching the baby boomers.

In the issue of balance, we would also like to point out that there are several reasons not to take drugs, but we can’t really think of any at the moment.

Another smuggling attempt gone horribly wrong.

aka: Blow, Coke, Snow, Yayo, Nose Candy, Baby Laxative, White Man’s Burden

First discovered in the 1980s by stockbrokers, cocaine has been the go-to drug for jet-setting youngsters and jet-setting oldsters, who wish to reclaim their youth with a combination of poorly cut product and occasional heart failure.

In its heyday, cocaine had a drawing power unrivalled by other substances, thus ensuring the men’s room was at least as crowded as the ladies’. Coke is also handy for generating “big” ideas, perfecting conspiracy theories and removing unwanted septum.

Pros: Energy; hooker “bait”
Cons: Nose bleeds; insta-death

How marijuana reproduces...

aka: Weed, Pot, Chronic, Mary Jane, Crepes Suzette, Medicine

[Note: Also known as the “gateway drug,” as possession of this substance, which has been tried by an estimated 102% of the American public, will earn you a quick trip to the “gates” of your nearest federal penitentiary to serve a sentence on par with lesser crimes like armed robbery and involuntary manslaughter.]

Easier to obtain than pseudoephedrine and only slightly less illegal, marijuana is much like Kevin Bacon: only a few people away. Grown in the wilds of Mexico and Canada and domesticated in a million basements and walk-in closets around the U.S., marijuana is one of America’s most popular drugs.

Perhaps the most social of social drugs, marijuana can create an instant party. Like cats around a can opener, all it takes is the sound of fire igniting cannabis to fill your house with acquaintances, well-wishers and “friends of friends” who are only too happy to smoke your weed, drink your beer and empty your pantry before vanishing the moment the bowl is cashed.

Recently an effort has been made to legalize marijuana due to its medical qualities, which acolytes believe can cure several ailments, from the legitimate (cancer, glaucoma) to the dubious (rickets, chlamydia, male pattern baldness, boredom).

Be aware that heavy users will often clockwatch until late afternoon, when an impromptu (and hazy) celebration will break out as the clock hits 4:20 (also known as “giggle o’clock”).

Pros: Relaxing; sociable; inspiring
Cons: Scooby Doo; whoever the hell that is passed out on the couch

"Well, it made a lot more sense when I was tripping..."

aka Acid, Trip, Tabs, 13th Floor Elevator, Fun

LSD is a psychedelic whose sole purpose is to “fuck shit up” perceptively speaking and provide lazy music critics with a go-to analogy. (“Band X sounds like band Y. On acid.”)

Based on what I’m informed is personal experience, LSD derails spatial awareness and thought processes to a point where it can take up to 1.5 man hours to collect cigarettes, lighters and ashtrays and take them to a hopefully non-flammable area. For this analogy to hold true, said band “on acid” would most likely resemble this:

or this:

Pros: Makes everything more fun; pitch the occasional no-hitter
Cons: Lots of stuff shouldn’t be that fun; flashbacks (regular and ‘Nam)

"Let us get you the help you need to abuse crystal meth properly. Today."

Crystal Methamphetamine
aka Crystal Meth, Meth, Dental Damn!, NOS for Rednecks

One of a small set of truly American drugs (crack, Oprah), crystal meth is harvested year-round from its natural habitat: trailer park bathtubs.

A fast-acting and smokable amphetamine, meth provides users with a potent combination of energy and insomnia which allows them to “power through” such diverse activities as cramming for a shop class final, sorting the change jar chronologically or making more crystal meth.

Pros: High amounts of energy; made from common deadly household products
Cons: Hockey Players’ Mouth; Camaro ownership

"Would you please keep your fucking heroin picked up? I think I broke my ankle."

aka Smack, Horse, Dope, Junk, Kentucky Fried Chicken (regional dialect – Manchester), Cliff Richards

Originally developed as a dietary supplement, heroin has been used for over 40 years to develop lanky, Kate Moss-ian supermodels. As supermodels began dating rock stars, heroin’s influence spread. It reached its peak in Seattle during the late 90s when it was crossed with coffee beans to develop lanky, suicidal rock stars.

Though not generally known as a social drug due to its side effects of vomiting, unconsciousness and death, junkies (as they like to be called) are usually large-hearted (and weak-veined) individuals who are always willing to share their needles.

Pros: Hits like a motherfucker; methadone “gateway” drug
Cons: Randomly fatal; second only to Joe on Blue’s Clues as the leading cause of soul decay

For added uncomfortable fun, replace Grandma's Tums with these.

aka E, X, Disco Biscuit, Dolled-Up Speed, The Unscrupulous Club Owner’s Best Friend

 Originally developed as an empathy drug for therapy, ecstasy soon headed for the underground after therapists discovered it turned their patients into ovulating cats, constantly rubbing themselves against textured furniture, each other and anything emitting a low-frequency pulse. There were also numerous complaints that it made the patients “really thirsty,” which the therapists responded to by selling water at 8$/bottle.

Having escaped its legitimate usage, ecstasy threw caution to the wind, left its inhibitions at the door and worked its way through several other metaphors on its way to clubland. Once there, it was ingested by clubgoers seeking to enhance their night, which often included such activities as applauding someone playing other people’s records and getting anonymously pregnant.

Pros: Cheap and readily available; makes you really horny
Cons: Inconsistent product; increased horniness tends to make the user “cheap and readily available”



  1. Damn, CLT, I will now include this blog as a gateway drug to flashbacks (and a reminder of that hidden stash in the sock drawer). Fantastic humor, and often very true. Thanks for the laughs, and here’s a Happy Holiday to you and your loved ones!

    • Happy holidays to you as well, Dan. Glad that I could bring back those heady days of altered youth.

  2. Merry Christmas to you and yours, CLT.

    Parco redundo victus.


    • O/O –

      A very merry Christmas to you as well. Or whatever that translates into Latin-wise. Is that a knock on holiday-driven consumption?

  3. In other news, we lost a hero yesterday. Bob Howard, SF Vietnam legend and recipient of the Medal of Honor, eight Purple Hearts, and (of all things) the Thai Balloonist Badge, died at 70.

    See the story: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/34579550#34579550.


    • Thanks for that, o/o. Our supply of decorated Thai Ballonists is dwindling steadily.

  4. There were just too many hilarity ensuing witticisms (and not so fond memories) in this post for me to even begin to comment, CLT.

    So I’ll just leave you with something my father told me when I was a child:

    “It’s all fun and games until you actually “bait” the hooker…”

    (What can I say, he really wanted a boy.)

    Merry Christmas to you and your family, CLT!


    • I was really hoping to reference “hooker bait” in my comment but Bschooled beat me to it.

      Merry Christmas, CLT. And keep up the good work. Your writing never fails to amaze me.

    • It’s formative moments like the mandatory “hooker” talk that really builds formative moments, mainly out of mental scar tissue.

      As for him wanting a boy, you could have reminded him that mom always wanted a woman…

      Happy holidays and such, bschooled. Great to see you.

    • Merry Christmas, Don.

      You’ve got to get up awfully early to beat bschooled. She’s usually at work while most of us are still debating a fourth or fifth snooze hit.

      Thanks for the compliments, Don.

    • CLT is right, Don. You have to get up pretty early indeed.

      Not to brag or anything, but I’m the one who tells “the crack of dawn” when to rise.

  5. Yet another socially responsible PSA and funny too. Thanks again CLT for looking out for all us out in the Interblog.

    • Yes. Nothing says “socially responsible” like the opening paragraphs. As soon as I had punctuated my statement that everyone should use drugs, I could hear the vapid whining of a million busybodies, asking about “the children” and why no one was “thinking of them.”

      Nice to see you, FJ. Hope you had a wonderful Christmas.

  6. […] Capitalist Lion Tamer – “The Fancy Plans Guide to Illegal Drugs” […]


    • You said it, RR. Don’t let the man keep you from the things that make life worth living. (See also: hooker “bait.”)

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