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Your Vehicle’s Warranty

December 10, 2009

Our faceless technicians will happily jam black lines into your featureless engine for $75-120/hr.

If there’s anything nobody really wants to do, it’s reading the fine print. You’d be amazed and possibly grief-stricken by the amount of responsibility waiving inserted into the average warranty coverage by most major auto companies.

Below lies the “fine print” of the average 5 Year/50,000 Mile vehicle warranty, all blown up into a slightly less fine print for easier consumption.

Thank you for your purchase of this [fine American vehicle of your choice]. Your vehicle comes standard with a 5 Year/50,000 Mile Bumper-to-Bumper Warranty, which covers all parts and labor* on any repairs** needed during the coverage period. Please view the details below for full terms of coverage.

* “Parts” excludes the following:

  • Shop use items
  • Third-party replacement parts
  • Replacement of parts in serviceable condition (“Serviceable” means usable or not totally broken parts that could conceivably last through the end of the warranty period.)
  • Expensive parts (“Expensive” means any parts whose cost is above $75. Additional note: all parts sold through our dealerships are over $75. Yes, that includes belts, hoses and valve stems.)
  • Routine wear-and-tear parts (Including but not limited to filters, belts, batteries, tires, rims, brake pads, transmissions, carburetors, fuel injection systems, etc. Safe rule of thumb: if it’s in motion when you’re driving, it will wear and tear.)
  • After-market products
  • Parts subject to recall
  • Replacements for recalled parts or any part requiring over four (4) hours to install
  • Wiper blades

Labor” excludes:

  • any labor charged at a rate higher than $15/hr.
  • any labor exceeding minimum labor charge (usually 0.5-1.0 hours)
  • any labor performed by non-certified technicians
  • any labor performed by your brother-in-law or uncle (with or without certification)
  • any labor performed by certified technicians if done on a/an a.) weekend, b.) evening or c.) Tuesday

Pending verification of eligibility, labor charges will be held in a “Disputed” status until such labor dispute is settled by appointed UAW official. Settlements will be delivered by a/an a.) threatening late-night phone call, b.) brick through your living room window or c.) slashing of said vehicle’s tires. (Note: Slashed tires are not covered by your warranty. See “Mob Violence and Street Riot Exemptions” for more information.)

Work performed by anthropomorphic funnels is NOT covered by your warranty.

** “Any repairs” does not cover:

  • Routine maintenance***
  • Body work
  • Windshield replacement
  • Any repair performed due to improper driving habits or vehicular abuse (See “Improper Driving/Vehicular Abuse” below.)

*** Uncovered “Routine Maintenance” includes any of the following:

  • Oil change
  • Tire rotation and balance
  • Engine fire
  • Lube job
  • Shock and strut replacement
  • Unexpected removal of catalytic converter
  • Major overhauls
  • Tuneups
  • Transmission problems
  • Catastrophic failure
  • Windshield replacement
  • Burning/burnt engine
  • Lights
  • Leaks
  • Recall-related repairs
  • Offset head-on collisions
  • Rapture

Another "certified" technician prepares to violate your vehicle, its warranty and your trust, roughly in that order.

Improper Driving/Vehicular Abuse” includes the following:

  • Speeding (including “going downhill” and “trying to make the light”)
  • Sharp turns
  • Emergency brake usage during non-emergencies
  • Sex in front or back seat (trunk and hood covered for total combined weight not exceeding 350 lbs.)
  • Leaving vehicle on while “running in for something”
  • More than 12 regular/bright headlight cycles
  • Signalling without turning
  • Generating more tha 150 foot-pounds of torque during acceleration
  • Backing vehicle into parking space
  • “Killing” engine due to improper shifting
  • Waving at oncoming drivers
  • Rolling down window to speak to driver/passengers of other vehicles
  • High-speed pursuits
  • Low-speed pursuits
  • On-foot pursuits
  • Using more than 10 foot-pounds of torque to close door/hood/trunk
  • “Ricing up” said vehicle through the addition of ground effects, spoilers and decals
  • Having vehicle urinated on by Calvin
  • Complaining about gas mileage
  • Failure to respect rules of engagement in Ford-Chevy rivalries

-CLT

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15 comments

  1. Only you could make the fine print fun again. It’s insane but I constantly had to refocus my eyes from trying to skim your post at a rate of 2500wpm. And I knew it was a blog. A funny, witty blog. But still every single paragraph my eyes tried to fly through. I think our collective brains have been adapted to not pay any attention to anything of importance.

    I’m not at all surprised that the Rapture is not included in any routine maintenance. We all know that the city of Detroit (as well as those heathen Europeans) are all devil worshipping idolaters.


    • Fine print is fine print even when blown up to 11 pt or whatever this blog defaults to. Glad you powered thru it all to find the glossed-over rapture reference.

      The Detroit heathens are paying the price for their worship of American automobiles and fat-cat union suits. Hell, the Silverdome itself went for a little more than half a mil ($583,000).

      Thanks for the outstanding comment, Scott. Always good to see you.


  2. I would dispute that notion signalling without turning constitutes vehicular abouse. I prefer to think of it as thinking long term.

    As always, damned funny, CLT.


    • Don-

      Well, I guess you can’t be too careful, which may annoy other drivers. Huge chunks of Florida highways are nothing but 55 mph parades of lights, all blinking randomly. You may as well just flip on the hazards to keep all your bases covered.

      Thanks for the visit, Don. Love your festive headgear.


  3. So multiple clowns (code for prostitutes) is cool as long as they don’t weigh an aggregate of 350 pounds, correct? I usually need at least 6 to satisfy me so that’s, what, 60 pounds each. Hmm…I either need to head to the meth rehab center or kidnap a gymnastics team. (College team just in case the FBI is still reading my comments. Hey Scully – I would rock your world!)


    • A squad of meth-addled gymnasts should be pretty entertaining. Especially with their flexibility, non-stop energy and lack of teeth.

      Scully – he would indeed rock your world. He’s also fairly handy with a flashlight.

      Thanks for the visit, TL.


  4. I would have a better comment, but when I got to “having vehicle urinated on by Calvin”, I choked on my Activia yogurt (I’m on the 14 day challenge-again)and had to focus all of my energies on giving myself the heimlich maneuver.

    Hilarious post, CLT.


    • Thanks for the yogurt-covered compliments, bschooled. I’m sorry to hear about your relapse into choking, which I assume means you’re now only 1 day chokeless. Remember, take it one day at a time.


  5. Recently took your car in for service?

    I’ve abused my vehicle so many times in so many ways. There’s the whole abandonment issue where I keep leaving it in strange parking lots. I force it to go stay outside in the cold and in the rain. I only put gas in it when I have to.


    • Yes. I had it taken in. I’m hoping to squeeze a little more mileage out of it with its svelte new figure.

      As for this cold and rain you speak of, have you been parking your car in another state?


    • It really did rain here this week and I went out one morning and there was this white stuff all over the window and hood. Someone said it was frost. I just thought hell froze over.

      My truck had no idea what to do out there in the cold like that. As the white stuff went away, I notices tears streaming down the windshield. I think the poor truck was so scared of the cold that it was crying.


  6. Is there no subject manner safe? This is why I always fly.


    • Apparently not. I’ll take a look at exposing the fine print in your flight insurance.


  7. Have you given her a name? Do you engage in adequate foreplay before revving her up? Do you remember birthdays and anniversaries? Do you stroke her every now and then? A little attention and some regular maintenance and hopefully, you’ll never need that warranty. Great post CLT.


    • That’s a lot of questions which edge dangerously close to inappropriate. But I’ll be blunt.

      1. I have never named a vehicle, but sooner or later they all get sworn at the same way.

      2. I thought foreplay was revving up? If by “rev up” you mean “let idle in the driveway,” then yes.

      3. If by “remember anniversaries and birthdays” you mean “fill with gas occasionally” and “less occasionally add some oil,” then again, yes.

      4. I usually let the Triton V-8 do all the stroking. If that’s wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

      Thanks for the pointed questions, elizabeth.



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