Dear Harvard…December 1, 2009
To the Admissions Board of Harvard University:
This letter of intent has been written to announce my intentions to receive a four-year scholarship as your starting quarterback. While I have had a few options in the academic market, none of the community colleges or online universities have the wealth of history (and history of wealth) that Harvard’s MBA program offers.
While a quick look at my enclosed SAT scores may not reflect the level of excellence you have come to expect from incoming students, let me assure you that they no not reflect my years of “real world” experience.
I would also like to point out my historical reference work, The Presidents of Harvard University (Vols. 1-4). While not as thorough as the incredibly brief Wikipedia entry, the four essays do shine some new light on some unknown aspects of the prestigious line of Harvard presidents. Keep in mind that it is heavily peppered with swear words, the vernacular of the common man.
You may be asking yourselves why a 35-year-old high school graduate would be interested in pursuing a starting position on the Harvard Crimson football squad. You may also be wondering why I put quotes around “real world” rather than “experience.”
Two words: Harvard Tradition.
While there are many Division 1-A schools out there with more competitive teams and a more sports-oriented focus, the truth of the matter is that their competitiveness often works against them, and especially, me. Let’s be honest with each other: Harvard’s focus has always been on academic success rather than athletic glory. I believe this meshing, if you will, of our strong points will allow me to skate by with a low-C average while still allowing you the luxury of having a somewhat athletic quarterback.
I may need to lose about 30 pounds and get my 40-yard time down into the low 7’s, but I believe I can probably meet the goals in time for next year’s football season. I will also look into cutting back on my 4-pack-a-day habit, which is spiced up with the occasional box of cigars.
I’ve been working out during what I’m proactively referring to as the “offseason” with an under-employed neighbor who has played professionally with a variety of arena football teams in the capacity of equipment manager. We’ve done some laundry, watched some highlight tapes and tossed the ol’ pigskin around for the past several weeks. I will continue this vigorous training until camp opens or he is evicted, whichever comes first.
On the academic side, I am currently brushing up on my long-neglected math skills and reading up on current events. I am hoping to be prepared to “nail down” a two-year business statistics degree within the next 4-6 years. During this time I will also serve as the starting quarterback from the Fighting Crimsoneers.
I would also like to take this time to mention my respect for your proud tradition of gentlemanly sportsmanship, as is evidenced by your unwillingness and inability to “run up the score” on opponents. I hope to personify these traditions with my ability to “manage the game” and “not turn the ball over too often.” Let’s work together to play to the best of our abilities and not beat ourselves.
Thank you in advance for your prompt attention.
P.S. I am serious.
P.P.S. Do you have an application for “Skull and Bones” I can fill out in advance? I understand the application process is complicated, humiliating and possibly done at another Ivy League school altogether.