Dear Harvard…

December 1, 2009

This may explain why Harvard gets its ass handed to it on the gridiron year after year...

To the Admissions Board of Harvard University:

This letter of intent has been written to announce my intentions to receive a four-year scholarship as your starting quarterback. While I have had a few options in the academic market, none of the community colleges or online universities have the wealth of history (and history of wealth) that Harvard’s MBA program offers.

While a quick look at my enclosed SAT scores may not reflect the level of excellence you have come to expect from incoming students, let me assure you that they no not reflect my years of “real world” experience.

I would also like to point out my historical reference work, The Presidents of Harvard University (Vols. 1-4). While not as thorough as the incredibly brief Wikipedia entry, the four essays do shine some new light on some unknown aspects of the prestigious line of Harvard presidents. Keep in mind that it is heavily peppered with swear words, the vernacular of the common man.

You may be asking yourselves why a 35-year-old high school graduate would be interested in pursuing a starting position on the Harvard Crimson football squad. You may also be wondering why I put quotes around “real world” rather than “experience.”

Two words: Harvard Tradition.

While there are many Division 1-A schools out there with more competitive teams and a more sports-oriented focus, the truth of the matter is that their competitiveness often works against them, and especially, me. Let’s be honest with each other: Harvard’s focus has always been on academic success rather than athletic glory. I believe this meshing, if you will, of our strong points will allow me to skate by with a low-C average while still allowing you the luxury of having a somewhat athletic quarterback.

I may need to lose about 30 pounds and get my 40-yard time down into the low 7’s, but I believe I can probably meet the goals in time for next year’s football season. I will also look into cutting back on my 4-pack-a-day habit, which is spiced up with the occasional box of cigars.

I’ve been working out during what I’m proactively referring to as the “offseason” with an under-employed neighbor who has played professionally with a variety of arena football teams in the capacity of equipment manager. We’ve done some laundry, watched some highlight tapes and tossed the ol’ pigskin around for the past several weeks. I will continue this vigorous training until camp opens or he is evicted, whichever comes first.

On the academic side, I am currently brushing up on my long-neglected math skills and reading up on current events. I am hoping to be prepared to “nail down” a two-year business statistics degree within the next 4-6 years. During this time I will also serve as the starting quarterback from the Fighting Crimsoneers.

I would also like to take this time to mention my respect for your proud tradition of gentlemanly sportsmanship, as is evidenced by your unwillingness and inability to “run up the score” on opponents. I hope to personify these traditions with my ability to “manage the game” and “not turn the ball over too often.” Let’s work together to play to the best of our abilities and not beat ourselves.

Thank you in advance for your prompt attention.


P.S. I am serious.

P.P.S. Do you have an application for “Skull and Bones” I can fill out in advance? I understand the application process is complicated, humiliating and possibly done at another Ivy League school altogether.


  1. I love your letter and I think it’ll get you in the door faster than your son can say legacy three times in a row. They’d be fools to turn you down with your masterful use of the English language, your “real world” experience and your athletic prowess. The only other suggestion I can make is to tell them that you’re friend is an ex-bookie (that’s me) and has Yale’s QB Patrick Witt in his pocket due to his weakness for horses and a poorly timed bet on the Falcons. All they really care about is beating Yale anyway so that should do it.

    When you get in tell them that you need your star wide-out/pot connect ‘Little Red’ (that’s me) or you won’t sign. They’ll be happy to know that I came by that nickname not because of my known association with NY Bloods, but because of my love and adoration for Harvard. Good luck to us both!

    • I’m taking your advice under advisement, Scott. Anything that beats the Yalies at their own game is “shoo-in” material.

      As the home of the Crimson, I’m sure the Harvard Board will have no choice but to co-opt someone who goes by “Little Red,” especially if it gives them one more offensive weapon/pot dealer.

      Thanks for the inside track, Scott. Great to see you.

  2. CLT,

    First of all, I want to apologize profusely for laughing loudly (and to some extent aesthetically-unpleasingly (?) ) while reading this letter. It wasn’t until I got to the “ps.” part that I discovered this was no joke.

    Believe it or not, I can relate. I mean, I may not understand terms like “Football” or “SAT” or even “math skills” for that matter (I substituted my drama credits because I knew math would only hold me back from my dream of becoming a “professional Kabuki actor”), but there is one thing I do understand. And that is low-C averages. And swear words . And the “real world” (remember Puck? Ha! What a fuck-up.) I also understand the sporadic cigarette (just to be anti-social) and tossing the ol’ pigskin (although I get the feeling we may be talking about two completely different pigskin tossing activities).

    Ok, so that’s five things I understand. (Like I said, I’m not good at math.)

    Anyway, what’s my point, you ask? Good question. I guess my point is now that I realize you’re serious, I’m totally “reading your mail”.





    Anyhoo, keep up the kick-ass* posts, CLT. And I wish you luck on your mission. Those Harvardians (?) would be idiots not to let someone with your dedication and sticktoitiveness (thanks Don) “get in the game”.

    (* ”kick-ass” is the new “brilliant”…)

    • Bschooled –

      Thanks for attempting to hold your laughter until the end of the letter. I’m sure the amateur kabuki theater skills aided in that effort.

      As for “tossing the pigskin,” I’m now fairly sure my mentor has done some serious jailtime and it doesn’t mean what I thought it meant. At least not when he describes it and spikes my drinks.

      Thanks for the brilliant (it’s the old “kick-ass”) comment, bschooled.

  3. Fu** Harvard. What do they have to offer? You will have to wear an ascot, smoke a pipe, wear really tight trousers (neatly pressed) and learn nautical terms. You are better than that.

    No, the job you need to bid on is the HC at Notre Dame. There is no scenario where you could do worse than Weis or Willingham (also, an occasional black man). Sure, the cheerleaders have humps on their backs and halitosis but hey, it’s South Bend.

    If you need a reference, let me know. I can hook a brother up. (Not really but I just like to say the phrase “hook a brother up”. Makes me feel more blacker).

    • Ha!

      TL, I love how you use everyday terms like “Brazilian Poon Pouch”, yet has enough class to censor the “F word”.

      Like I always say, I could learn so much from you…

    • Fu** Harvard, indeed. I should take the position in South Bend, which would guarantee millions on my bottom line without having to produce any results.

      I’ll also get to throw around the word “tradition” nearly as much as at Harvard.

      Thanks for pretending to “hook me up,” TL. Your on-again, off-again dedication to being a black man is an inspiration to us all. Especially that stunted redhead, Rudy.

  4. *have, not “has”

    • I know. It makes no sense. I just think I owe it to my kids not to curse. A word like “boochie”? No problem. I clearly need help.

    • I’m often baffled by your selective censorship as well, TL, but I do appreciate the fact that you let my f-bombing runs on your comment threads go unaltered.

      I apparently feel I owe my kids nothing.

  5. I think you’re a slam dunk CLT (sorry for the mixed metaphore…I’m lazy).

    I believe this because Havard included Kurt Russell on its “Greatest Comedians of the 20th Century” list. I think you catch my drift.

    Hilarity continues to ensue.

    • I like mixed metaphors, FJ. They warm my heart like feeling the wind through my hair.

      Kurt Russell: comedian. I’m trying to remember his early work as a standup. I’m only coming up with the tragic Antarctic tour which saw his entire entourage go up in flames after a long, arduous battle with an alien being.

      Laugh-a-minute, it was. The hilarity ensued like water for chocolate.

  6. Why go to college? Why not the NFL instead?

    • Welcome, mcnorman.

      The NFL has already reached its quota for mediocre Ivy League quarterbacks with Ryan Fitzpatrick, who currently “plays” for the extremely mediocre Buffalo Bills.

      They feel that if two brainiacs hit the field they’ll lose most of their fan base and no longer be the sport of the masses.

      One’s plenty, two’s abnormal and three is a frickin’ weekend at the Kennedy compound. At that point all teams will be playing touch football with sweaters tied around their neck and faced with a multitude of paternity/wrongful death suits.

  7. Hahaha, I missed the P.P.S. on the first read. Is that for me???

    • It is indeed, FJ. Stupid Yale nearly ruined my made-up facts about Harvard. It shan’t happen again.

  8. I can only imagine the family is on the verge of being very excited and proud. “My husband, the Harvard man!” “My dad goes to Harvard and threw 26 touchdown passes in scrimmage today!” etc.

    • The excitement is here. It’s been leading to questions about grade point averages and requests to be put up for adoption.

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