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The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 3

November 20, 2009

It’s time for Volume 3 of the prestigious and greatly overrated Fancy Plans’ Biblical remixing series. In this edition, we tackle a passage from the book of Joshua (chapter 5 to be exact) in which we find that being the leader of the nomadic Jews wasn’t all about laying siege to Jericho, but it was also about the tedious detail of running a well-organized tribe. It involves knives and other unmentionables.

Previously on The Bible:Fancy Plans’ Edition:
Vol. 1 – Revelations 22
Vol. 2 – Leviticus 5

A victorious Joshua claims Jericho for his people, setting them up for a lifetime of near-constant circumcisions.

Joshua 5

1 And it came to pass, when all the kings of the Amorites, which were on the side of Jordan westward, and all the kings of the Canaanites, which were by the sea, heard that the LORD had dried up the waters of Jordan from before the children of Israel, until we were passed over, that their heart melted, neither was there spirit in them any more, because of the children of Israel. They cried to the LORD, what the fuck, dude? Our water is gone and our hearts are melted. Morale is like, way low. The last pep rally sucked. Harsh.

2 At that time the LORD said unto Joshua, Make thee sharp knives, and circumcise again the children of Israel the second time. And next time, measure first. It’ll save you a whole lot of trouble.

3 And Joshua made him sharp knives, and circumcised the children of Israel at the hill of the foreskins. This is down by Jerry’s place. The guy who has the sign posted in his yard and the windowless van.

4 And this is the cause why Joshua did circumcise: All the people that came out of Egypt, that were males, even all the men of war, died in the wilderness by the way, after they came out of Egypt. And nothing turns boys to men faster than a good old-fashioned wiener chopping. Be sure and chop one high and tight, because you can’t sing “The End of the Road” without an alto.

5 Now all the people that came out were circumcised: but all the people that were born in the wilderness by the way as they came forth out of Egypt, them they had not circumcised. And Joshua said, really, what the fuck? How many people are here total? Because I had taken the earlier number to mean that I was done with the “unpleasantness,” but now it’s a regular bris-a-thon.

6 For the children of Israel walked forty years in the wilderness, till all the people that were men of war, which came out of Egypt, were consumed, because they obeyed not the voice of the LORD. They all had their reasons, mainly that it had been four decades without being able to sign anything more than a month-to-month lease. Oh, and all the dick chopping. Unto whom the LORD sware that he would not shew them the land, which the LORD sware unto their fathers that he would give us, a land that floweth with milk and honey, which is all well and good, I suppose. But it does seem a little weak in return to forty years of aimless wandering and crotchal knifings.

7 And their children, whom he raised up in their stead, them Joshua circumcised: for they were uncircumcised, because they had not circumcised them by the way. And Joshua complained, For the love of LORD, can a day go by without me having to get all stabby in people’s crotches? I mean, I love the work but a day off now and then would be fantastic. It’s been forty years of this and I can’t even throw hot dogs on the grill without wanting to head to the back to the tent and decapitate myself.

Joshua, fresh from a "double-header," charges into battle. Not pictured: Foreskin Hill.

8 And it came to pass, when they had done circumcising all the people, that they abode in their places in the camp, till they were whole. Well, mostly whole. They were missing a little foreskin but everyone was free to head up to Foreskin Hill and grab one. Just steer clear of Jerry.

9 And the LORD said unto Joshua, This day have I rolled away the reproach of Egypt from off you. Wherefore the name of the place is called Gilgal unto this day. And Joshua stared at his knives and said, “Whatever.”

10 And the children of Israel encamped in Gilgal, and kept the passover on the fourteenth day of the month at even in the plains of Jericho. Because you just can’t be Jewish without Passover. Or circumcision. Bi-weekly Passovers and near-constant circumcisions.

11 And they did eat of the old corn of the land on the morrow after the passover, unleavened cakes, and parched corn in the selfsame day. And thus began the tradition of brunch, which was used to get rid of last night’s leftovers at a “reasonable” price.

12 And the manna ceased on the morrow after they had eaten of the old corn of the land; neither had the children of Israel manna any more; but they did eat of the fruit of the land of Canaan that year. Goodbye, manna. Hello, old corn. Could things get any better? (No. Hey, get that knife away from me! I’m grandfathered in!)

13 And it came to pass, when Joshua was by Jericho, that he lifted up his eyes and looked, and, behold, there stood a man over against him with his sword drawn in his hand: and Joshua went unto him, and said unto him, Art thou for us, or for our adversaries? Or are you one of the members of the twice-circumcised club? Heehee. “Member.”

14 And he said, Nay; but as captain of the host of the LORD am I now come. And Joshua fell on his face to the earth, and did worship, and said unto him, What saith my Lord unto his servant?

15 And the captain of the LORD’s host said unto Joshua, Loose thy shoe from off thy foot; for the place whereon thou standest is holy. And Joshua did so. And hurled it at the captain, swearing vengeance for forty long years of nomadic existence, crappy food and endless foreskinning.

-CLT

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12 comments

  1. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love when you ‘do’ the bible. It touches a part of my heart that I didn’t know still existed. My cackles are all aglow and fiery with the passion of your cutting words.

    You really hit a nerve with me on this one, I’m just glad you didn’t nick a vein. Why did God have such an obsession with the penis? Didn’t Moses’ wife have to cut off his foreskin and rub the blood all over his feet, to ‘talk’ God out of killing him? And that was like God’s homeboy. I mean if he made man in his image, then what was with the sudden need for penile tweaking? If he wanted us to be foreskin-less, and he’s all powerful, why not just make us without the foreskin? And why in the hell couldn’t he give me that two extra inches, so that I might have enjoyed the career of a better looking Ron Jeremy? I realize I have many questions. Sorry, I don’t mean to be such a sharp, terrible pain in the tip-o-the penis.

    Preach that shit brother CLT!!


    • Thanks for the warm words, Scott. When I’m “doing” the Bible, I always like to touch people in places they didn’t know existed. The heart. Or wherever.

      Your myriad questions about foreskinning are probably better left for a true expert, preferably with a degree in whatever the hell that field is.

      I would imagine that it got started for some sort of religious reason that was never fully explained, like any sort of genital mutilation. And then when new guys were out waving their thing around, the older guys told them that it looked weird, and couldn’t properly be called a “fireman.” And so, out of peer pressure, they voluntarily went out and got shorn.

      As for the two extra inches? God helps those who help themselves. He recommends Enzyte but is unwilling to go on record, due to recent lawsuits.


  2. “Morale is like, way low. The last pep rally sucked. Harsh.”

    “Be sure and chop one high and tight, because you can’t sing “The End of the Road” without an alto.”

    “For the love of LORD, can a day go by without me having to get all stabby in people’s crotches?”

    “I’m grandfathered in!”

    …I’m sorry CLT, but unfortunately I lost my witty banter at the pub last night, along with my purse, my dignity, and several chunks of “time” (the latter of which I’m not to keen on finding anyway).

    So that’s why I’m recycling just a few of your seemingly endless “chortle-generating” quotes.

    Ingenious as always.


    • Thanks for the great comment, bschooled. It was infused with wit, belly laughs and foreskin. Most of all it was full of me, a subject that I, frankly, can’t get enough of.

      My condolences on your recent blackout (or as Dave Attell calls it, “time travel”). Perhaps someone should put a film crew on retainer for pub nights such as these, so that the “rushes” can be viewed in privacy before venturing out into the real world, clad in shame. And some clothing. Probably last night’s clothing.

      Great to see you, bschooled.


  3. I like!

    Immensely.

    I did some of this myself in another life. The Book of Genesis and the Book of Job. I forgot how much fun it can be.

    Mind if I link you? Never mind. You’re linked.


    • Thanks for the compliments and the link, Gryphon. It’s always great to see a new face in the threads.


  4. CLT, I don’t know how old you are, but if you are still a young man, you should pack your literary bags and haul your talented ass on out to Hollywood. This stuff is too good for the blogosphere. If I say “brilliant” one more time…oh, what the hell, the Brits say “brilliant” all the time. Capitalist, you are BRILLIANT, pure and simple. I could wax effusive all night long.

    I can’t possibly add anything funny to your version of the scriptures, but can mention the bizarre practice of Metzitza B’Peh which is the oral suctioning of blood (of the circumcision wound) by the mohel. The English version of the Yiddish Forward wrote extensively about this practice several years ago after freshly circumcised infants were contracting herpes. Some infants died and others suffered brain damage not to mention ending up with herpes. Some ultra-orthodox persist in the practice even after all the publicizing and warnings.

    Thanks for making the Bible a ‘fun read’…now pass the plate.


    • Elizabeth –

      Thanks for the splendid matching set of compliments. I’ve often considered leaving the fair climes of the blogosphere for sunny California but I think they’re full up on waiters who hand you a script while reciting the specials.

      Your additional information is appreciated and incredibly disturbing. I’m not sure what I could possibly add to it that wouldn’t make it more disturbing than it already is. Plus FJ got off a nice zinger below that pretty much covers the almost-acceptable humor.

      Religions, especially organized ones with large amounts of written history, are fucked up. The amazing amount of terrible acts performed under various gods’ names is enough to turn one vehemently godless.


  5. And all the people laughed, like alot. Never buy meat from a mohel I say.


    • The people laughed, and songs were sung and various sexual organs had a little taken off the top.

      I hear you on the mohel thing. I don’t think I’d buy a raffle ticket from one, much less any sort of food product.

      Great to see you, FJ.


  6. Even my Jesus crucifix laughed. That’s powerful.


    • That is powerful. It’s a very uncomfortable position.



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