The Stabbing Knife Vol. 3: Steve Dahl

November 18, 2009

Roberto prepares to "cut a bitch," Chicago-style.

The Stabbing Knife is back after a brief resting period. [Wait for applause to die down.]

We’ve stabbed before here on Fancy Pants. Here’s a very brief list of the previous victims, whose asinine remarks made their stab wounds mainly self-inflicted:
Garth Brooks

Things must have been going too well. All was quiet and rather orderly until this jackass decided to take his frustration with his dwindling career options to take a shit on the entire Internet.

Ladies and gentleman: Steve Dahl, noted radio personality and columnist for the Chicago Tribune.

Steve Dahl: all the fun of NA beer with twice the water retention.

So what’s his problem?

Apparently, he hates the fact that due to Twitter, blogs and comment threads, ordinary people are allowed to voice their opinion.

“These days, a person only needs a computer to spew opinion across a variety of platforms. Healthy doses of outrage and narcissism are also helpful.”

This is unfair to Steve, although it is difficult to tell why. He doesn’t hold a degree in journalism as one would expect, based on the self-righteous bullshit he’s spewing. Let’s read a little further and see what entitles him to his opinion but not us to ours:

“Don’t get me wrong. I am also an outraged narcissist, but I had to work six-hour shifts in Bakersfield, Calif., to earn my stripes as a communicator.”

Holy fucking shit! Six hours! The man’s an animal!

How does he do it?

Who here works more than 6 hours a day? Yeah, that’s pretty much everybody. However, since you don’t work in the hallowed halls of a dying format like radio or newspapers, your opinion means fuck-all.

He goes on to insert his massive foot farther into his massive mouth by calling CNN out for reading viewer Tweets:

“Nowadays, having a Twitter page qualifies a person to give commentary on CNN. I am not interested in the take of @stinky on the Fort Hood shootings or any other current events. I am watching CNN because I expect them to gather the news, not act as a clearinghouse for any bonehead with a computer, a cable modem and a half-baked opinion.”

So, boneheads: how’s that feel? A dinosaur of the cable news industry is recognizing the shifting playing field and trying to connect with their viewers. Sure, not every opinion is going to be mind-blowing gold, but at least they’re trying. As compared to Stevie here, whose sense of entitlement is currently going at his brain like an enraged tumor and devouring anything useful.

Steve’s not content to stop there. Here’s a swing at Facebook:

“With the advent of Twitter, Facebook, instant messaging and texting, now almost any fool can set up his or her broadcast hub.”

You hear that, fools? Your own broadcast hub! It’ll be like the heyday of pirate radio, only staffed with fools and boneheads!

This seems way, way more than hypocritical from a guy who admits to using Facebook and Twitter nearly constantly.

And, of course, he used it to send out photos of bikini-clad women whose pictures were taken unknowingly.

“I even started including bikini shots via Twitpic with my Tweets.”

Oh, and he has a blog.

For someone so connected with his readers, he sure knows how to marginalize them all in just a few paragraphs. This is why your average Internet user hates your average journalist. They all consider themselves to be better and more informed than the readers they cater to. But now there are too many options and rather than try to connect, they condescend.

Unfortunately, no one has any pity for all these small fish in a rapidly draining pond. No matter how much they splash around like big fish, they’ll still fit down the drain.

This is America, land of the running mouth. We all have opinions and we all like to state our case. For those who think a degree or a certain line of employment makes yours the only opinion that counts, prepare for a short lifespan of soul-sucking disappointment.

Your field has already been marginalized by the Internet, and all you can think to do is pour gasoline on your death pyre.

Of course, great thinking and open-mindedness is not to be expected from the “DJ-personality” who presided over one of the most celebrated public displays of racism and homophobia ever: Disco Demolition Night.

Well, it's no "God Hates Fags" but it does have a kickass lightning-y font...

So long, asshat. Enjoy the brief spike in readers from your troll-baiting bullshit.

From the blogosphere’s black heart, I stab at thee.



  1. So, if I try really, really hard to read between the lines, my guess is that you are NOT a Steve Dahl fan. Am I close?

    And, for the record, Disco does not suck.

    Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya Da Da
    Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya Here
    Mocca chocalata Ya Ya
    Creole Lady Marmalade

    Wow…it doesn’t get any better than that.

    • How embarrassing. This whole time I’ve been singing “Free Yo’ Lady Marmelade…”

    • Well, nuance not being my strong suit (especially in stabbing instances), you are correct, TL. Not a fan of Steve Dahl. And much to his chagrin, I was not really aware of him until he decided to start badmouthing the entire internet, while using the internet.

      And for the record, disco does not suck. Well, a lot of it does but it laid the groundwork for the repetitive beats and DJ culture to which I am forever besmitten (that last word comes courtesy of the Bard himself).

      Thanks for the visit, TL. Always great to see you.

  2. I think you’re being just a bit harsh on the homophobic, racist, hypocritical, morbidly obese bastard. He’s just scared; it’s not like the guy can just go find another job. What’s he supposed to do? Use his supposed creativity to adapt and evolve with the changing landscape? That would be a pussy move. He’s used to being the guy on the other side of the screener. He doesn’t enjoy that the public can now assimilate information, opinion, and entertainment so easily, thus putting them effectively behind a screener and leaving him effectively hung up on. Come on man, it takes a genius to push those zany sound effect buttons and find that lowest common denominator demographic.

    But then again this is coming from a half-baked (at least) boneheaded fool.

    • Scott-

      I apologize for my harshness, but fat and ignorant is no way to go thru life, and judging by his photo, I would guess he’s playing the tail end of the back nine.

      You make several good points, all of which will be ignored because you’re from the Internet, home of stupidity.

      Well, on to Youtube. I have a pointless argument to get into over the relative merits of crying for Britney Spears.

  3. Great stab, CLT. Although I’ve never heard of this guy before (thanks to the bubble I currently live in)I dislike him already.

    It started with the bowlcut, and went downhill from there…

    True story, I actually applied to Journalism school way back in the day. Because there were so many applicants, we had to go through a series of interviews given by “professional”(so to speak) journalists.

    I was so turned off after the interview that even though I was accepted to the program, I never went.

    Ha! I sure showed them!


    Anyway, although I believe there are some good journalists out there, the majority of them do it for their egos. Publicity, whether it be positive or negative, is still publicity.

    Stab-worthy stab as always, CLT.

    • We all wanted to be journalists back in the heady days of youth, when the world seemed full of promise and newsworthy events. Then Hard Copy started and we all wanted to be on the red carpet, being catty and dismissive.

      And then FOX came along and we all wanted to shut off our radios and TVs.

      Way to choose the high road, bschooled. The world hardly needs another journalist like it needs another foul-mouthed blogger.


      Thanks for the compliments, bschooled. Fight the power!

  4. Slash!

    • Damn straight. I think I got him right in the self-importance.

      Great to see you, Overconfident.

  5. Guys like Dahl appointed themselves spokespersons and spoonfeeders to the world. Along comes talk radio and new blowhards talk to guys and gals with cell phones and that takes away market share. From there it only got worse.

    Along comes email and the Internet and it just gets worse, people send Dahl and his playmates opinions and thoughts of their own. They even stop sending them to him and ignore him.

    Now come us fucking bloggers. We read stuff, think about it in our own little teeny tiny way and have the nerve to not only give our own two cents, but make our own sites, make our own comments on pages that look a lot nicer than a dino-blog’s fish wrapper media, and we actually don’t even want to hear from “credentialed journalists.” Right wing papers? Left wing papers? We don’t even have to pick a side. To think we expect to be heard and don’t even give a rat’s ass if the print media even exits. It’s impiety!

    I’m going to run out right now and buy a copy of a newspaper. I’ll put it in my sock drawer and when I’m really old (not that far away), I’ll bring it out and show the young folks what we used to look at back in the day.

    • Great comment, Zeus.

      These poor public figures. When the spotlight starts to fade, they get all bitchy and whiny. “Look at me! I’m irascible and ignorant! I hate people! Love me!”

      A friend of my parents (who was a journalist for the local paper) called it a long time ago, right about when CNN was starting to make inroads: “The only reason anyone needs a newspaper these days is if they have a bird.”

      Birdcage lining, time capsule item. It doesn’t matter. They’re done.

      Always a pleasure having you here, Zeus.

  6. Way to stab it to the man CLT. Your post proves that high quality journalism can be made by “Us Boneheads.” And its funny too!!

    • Thanks, FJ.

      If I only had a more pompous attitude and the ability to work up to and including six hours a day, I too could be at the point where I would feel comfortable insulting the very people I need to stay in business.

  7. Off topic: Does anyone want my copy of Muse’s new album?

    • Disappointed?

      I haven’t heard much of it myself, although “Uprising” caught my ear. I keep wondering what 70’s theme song they’re borrowing from.

    • After further review, the album sucks less than I first thought. But not by much.

      I’m not a musician, but if I had written “Unnatural Selection” I would have known enough to ball it up and through it in the trash. It is Les Misérables meets Obama rally, written by a high school freshman (who loooooves the band Bush).

      I’m angry for some unrest,
      I want to push this beyond peaceful protest,
      I want to speak in a language that they’ll understand

      Dedication to a new age,
      Is this the end of destruction and rampage?
      Another chance to erase it then repeat it again

      Oh, please.

      The final three-part “symphony” is much stronger musically (and less trite) than the rest of the album.

      If I were in the business of advising Muse (aka, the new Queen tribute band), I’d give them a rap on the beak.

    • Oh, the always-popular “I scrawled this angrily in my composition book during detention” lyrics.

      Well, too bad. They seemed pretty decent. Perhaps this will be a career hiccup.

      Good call on the Queenly attributes. I hadn’t really connected the dots on that one, having viewed them as a more earnest Radiohead.

  8. Does he have a sister?

  9. Damn it! I meant what a prick!

    • You could also say that about his sister. But you may have to use a more gender-specific term…

  10. “Asshat”…I had to look that up on urbandictionary.com:

    “One whose head is so far up their rear end it could pass for a hat.”

    Further research turned up asshattery, asshat emoticons and ‘asshat of the week’ (which I am assuming this week is Steve Dahl). Think I am besmitten with the word asshat.

    • It’s a great word. Don Mills is a fan of it. It’s concise and perfectly descriptive. Like fuckstick. Or Nimrod.

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