The Fancy Plans Emergency Room Survey

November 12, 2009

"Please plan your emergency accordingly."

Across the U.S., the Emergency Room has become the go-to service for anything from “lightheadedness” to compound fractures. As many, many people continue to use this as an Urgent Care center whose bills you can ignore, the list of ailments and injuries associated with E.R. visits has grown exponentially, from the expected (sucking chest wound) to the ridiculous (really painful hangnail).

This list is culled from the logs of emergency rooms across the nation, in an attempt to educate the public as to why their medical insurance no longer covers a trip to the E.R.

  • Kneecapping
  • Rectal insertion (animate)
  • Rectal insertion (inanimate)
  • Aqua Net poisoning
  • Explosive hypochondria
  • Sticker shock
  • Tricky dick
  • Grandmother’s taser wounds
  • Tasered by grandmother
  • “Accidental ingestion of pepper spray. In the eyes.”
  • “Trick knee acting up.”
  • Hooker’s gash
  • “Old rap battle wound acting up.”
  • Boredom
  • Complications from informal eating contest
  • Stubbed toe
  • Dislocation of self
  • “Overdosed on… um… life!”
  • Scurvy
  • Complications from botched bank robbery
  • Masturbator’s wrist
  • Axe Body Spray-related mauling
  • Soccer game (attendee)
  • Intestinal knocking
  • “Grill” repair
  • somnambulism
  • Vapor lock
  • Jodie Foster-related shooting
  • Scheduled internal organ balance and rotation
  • Broken heart (“Awwww… Clear!!!”)
  • Carradined
  • “Fell down a sack of doorknobs.”
  • Forgot safety word
  • “Fucked with bull. Got horns.”
  • “Recessive gene acting up.”
  • Insurance fraud
  • Teenager’s lament
  • Lonely
  • ‘Rhoid rage
  • Blog material
  • “Felt the need to be ignored/misdiagnosed.”
  • Blown mind
  • Irritable asshole syndrome
  • “Wasn’t actually ready for some football.”
  • Complete cyborg rebuild.
  • “Drew short straw.”
  • First-period period.
  • “Always thought rock beat scissors until I was stabbed with scissors.”
  • “Rock does beat scissors, especially when you get beaten with a rock. You should see the other guy! Oh. You are seeing the other guy.”
  • Combination of stab wounds, abrasions and paper cuts



  1. I love when you do lists. Nobody does lists like you do lists, I’m laughing my ass off, I need to go to the emergency room. A few of my personal favorites….

    – Red pill/blue pill mix-up
    – Got nosy
    – Got thumb wrestled
    – A full house beat a flush
    – Wrong side of a taste great/ less filling depate
    – Grenade counting accident
    – Tricky Dick
    – Turf toe
    – Vick’s Vapo-Rubbed too much on
    – Being John Malkovich

    • Sorry, I got addicted to your list. I can’t help myself

      – Got ostracized
      – Remembered Sammy Jankis
      – Dirty tattoo needle
      – “I’m a cutter and a hemophiliac
      – Under-dosed
      – Wife wasn’t in fact down for a 3-some
      – A spirited charley-horse
      – Got up got down with the sickness
      – Broke hip while singing Hotel California

    • Excellent list you’ve got there, Scott. Full of needles, flushes, Dicks and John Malkovich. It just wouldn’t be a list without them.

      The keeper is “the sickness,” which has people up and down at all hours of the night. Mostly down.

      Thanks for the input, Scott. Great to see my favorite foreign object again.

  2. Scott is right, CLT. Nobody makes lists like you make lists! (except maybe Alan…and Scott)

    I found some more:

    -Aspartame-substitute poisoning
    -Explosive gonorrhea
    -Hooker’s rash (aka. explosive gonorrhea)
    -Wombat training
    -Homeo-erotic asphyxiation
    -Getting Punk’d
    -Just passing the time
    -Trying to “get the lead out”
    -Being the bitch who got cut
    -Foreskin’s lament- http://www.mahala.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/foreskins_01.jpg
    -Solving a problem like Maria the old-fashioned way…with fists
    -botched calf-implants

    • Bschooled, you speak the truth. Fortunately, I have only you and Scott to deal with, as Alan has yet to arrive with his 1,200-item list that makes it feel as though all the action really was in the comment threads.

      However, you’ve got a list of winners there as well, especially the disturbing “Foreskin’s lament,” which keeps the circumcised and uncircumcised alike in tears through most of the night.

      But I’m very partial to solving a problem like Maria. She keeps going back to the guy. Go figure. As the Crystals said: “He held me tight/And then he hit me.”

      Thanks for the great comment and list, bschooled.

  3. Bschooled is right about Scott being right about your list making…

    First off, are hooker’s gash and trick knee related ailments?

    Back in my day we had the same problem. People would show up at E.R. with:

    Fatty Carbunkles
    Jaundiced eyes
    Basic Stranguary
    Nixon Scrapes

    you name it.

    Great post CLT.

    • Hahaha!

      Nice one, Don. Your well-travelled mind has hit on a connection buried within the list of made-up shit. Silly rabbit, trix are for hookers.

      It is troubling to see that this rampant ER abuse has gone on for centuries. (I’m assuming. I don’t know your actual age, Don.) I guess there’s no treating “stupid.”

      Swell comment, Don. Thanks for the visit.

  4. Sweet ass funny post CLT. I might as well add a few myself:

    A case of Clives
    Snubbed cameltoe
    Oral prolapse
    High velocity herpes
    Freak gardening accident
    Hammer penis
    A Cleveland Steamer gone horribly wrong
    Windows Vista
    Straining at stool (Graceland variant)
    The falling sickness
    Chicken lips

    • A case of Clives. That’s classic. I don’t even need to read any further. In fact, I’m going to delete the rest of your list.

      Wait. I’ll save it. A mention of the mighty Cleveland Steamer and a knock on the shittiest of shitty operating systems, Windows “Clive” Vista gave your list a stay of premature execution.

      Thanks for the awesome list, FJ. You’re a credit to your field, which I believe is gall bladder something-or-other.

  5. “Carradined” is also known as “Hung Fu” to readers of the NY Post.

    • Nice. The Post has a way with catchy headlines and scantily clad women. I would imagine the second pays the bills and the first amuses the journalists. I may head back and put journalists in quotes, to show my respect for the industry in general, especially those in the T&A + News business.

      Thanks for the repeat business, Zeus.

  6. “Jodie Foster-related shooting” – take my word on this, it’s untreatable.
    A lot of good stuff in there…

    • It only gets treated with lengthy prison sentences that are suddenly shortened. Refreshing stuff, this legal system of ours…

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