An Internal Memo from Your Cable Company

November 10, 2009

"Those of you unable to receive email in this day and age, for god knows what reason, will receive your memo in 6-8 weeks via horseless carriage."

To our “valued” employees:

As you may know, the cable industry is going through some trying times. We have been unfairly maligned as callous abusers of customer goodwill and tools of the entertainment industry. We have dealt with unfounded complaints about “bandwidth throttling,” “usurious rates” and “piss-poor response times.”

In an effort to get the public back on our side again, we are going to implement some sweeping policy changes that will affect everyone from the corporate offices on down. Although we are including ourselves in this “improvement,” rest assured our yearly raises will still be in place and necessary cuts (and we believe there will be a lot of those) will be made further down the line.

The following is the list of policy changes that will be implemented immediately, and in the case of some of our lousier employees, retroactively:

Executive Level

  • Publish fewer photos of executives lying around on piles of $100 bills while being service by hookers. Also, blur out or remove any Congressmen that may be in said photos.
  • That delightful Rachel Ray should have her own channel. Look into this.
  • Make an effort to look extremely doleful when speaking about “government interference and deregulation,” even when it works out in our favor.

Customer Service

  • New tiers of Internet bandwidth usage are: Surprisingly Limited, Very Limited, Limited and Unlimited* (*Surprisingly Limited).
  • Change recorded message for incoming calls. It currently is: “For retaliation purposes, this call may be monitored by customer service goons.
  • Present a friendlier image at our service centers. Maybe some more flowers and shit in the waiting areas.
  • Smile when you put someone on indefinite hold. The person on the other line will be able to tell and be less enraged when finally connected.
  • While it is important to smile, try not to laugh or giggle when placing someone on hold.
  • Refunds are to be handed out before the Better Business Bureau gets involved.
  • More color and inspirational posters in customer service areas; fewer “Higher Cable Costs Are Your Fault” signs, unleashed pit bulls.
  • Customer service phone center personnel are now only allowed to impersonate two levels of management.
  • Explanatory notes for unexpected service charges need to be more detailed than, “Sorry, that was supposed to be hidden,” or “Because fuck you, that’s why.”

Field Personnel

  • All service and installation appointments to be handled within a fortnight of originally scheduled date.
  • Service technicians are to limit themselves to one (1) meal and one (1) two-hour (maximum) nap when in a customer’s home.
  • All technicians should take care to only disable one (1) computer per Internet install.
  • Company vehicles used to transports drugs, stolen goods or illegal immigrants must be returned cleaned, vacuumed and with a full tank of gas.
  • Vehicles used for kidnappings should be torched or dumped in the lake.

Thank you in advance for your close attention to these items.

The Executive Branch

(An additional note: Clicking “Reply All” to this email will result in immediate termination.)



  1. Stellar post as always, CLT.

    Although you have to admit that the cable Company probably wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place, had they not stopped airing such hilarity-ensuing programs as “Candid Camera” (Peter Funt version) or “Kicked in The Nuts”.

    I mean really, who has time to complain when you’re laughing at the misfortune of others?

    • Misfortune of others has always been my favorite entertainment. Why the collapse of the entire US economy has been a laff riot, for the most part. Nothing like being kicked square in the nuts by billions of dollars of bad loans and horrendous fiscal policy.

      Well, that sums up American humor. You make a solid point about cable tv. First they drop the winners and replace them with “winners” of “reality shows.” I had no idea you could “win” at “reality.”

      Thanks for the comment and the clip, bschooled. That takes me back to the happier days of my youth when being a minor meant never having charges pressed against you.

  2. “Smile when you put someone on indefinite hold. The person on the other line will be able to tell and be less enraged when finally connected.”

    We used to call the wait “Our Lady of Perpetual Hold”.

    • There are very few acolytes in the Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Hold and they have all the social graces of Marquis de Sade.

      I think the tipping point was the invention of ring muting. You can ignore a flashing light indefinitely.

      Great to see you, Zeus.

  3. Rachael Ray is the Cussler of food you know. I like this Cussler reference thing. The worst piece of shit in any industry is the “Cussler.”

    Lead on CLT.

    • FJ: Cussler is now the go-to word for the nadir of everything. It’s become slightly more useful and versatile than “fuck.”

      For the truly stupid aggravations in life, feel free to bypass Clive and head straight for Dirk. Clive still holds out hope that his offspring will become sentient in his lifetime.

      Thanks for the quality Rachael Ray bashing, FJ. Always a pleasure seeing you.

  4. I don’t even have cable over here, what good would it do? And it’s liberating! The first six months I didn’t even watch anything, and I loved it. The only thing I missed was sports. Then I discovered Pirate Bay. Now I watch about 7 shows all together. Usually about an hour and a half every night, just so I can shut off my brain.

    Still we needed a service tech to come out for internet and phone. After paying, we had to wait 2 full months. Then the guy shows up, talks to us for a minute, then he literally cracks a beer, lights up a cigarette and talks on his cell phone for a good 45 minutes before doing his 15 minutes of work and leaving. This shit makes America look like the land of the highly motivated service personal.

    Great Post, hilarious!

    • I’m glad to see that the American work ethic has nearly rubbed off on our foreign counterparts. As the “service” part of customer service starts to slip, I wouldn’t be surprised if the average cable install is outsourced to India. And still gets done faster.

      Thanks for the comment and compliments, Scott. And thanks for plugging the fine people over at the Pirate Bay, who provide some of the finest service in the world, completely free of charge.

  5. Does Oprah already own a federal trademark for “Because fuck you, that’s why”? If not, I am stealing it.

    • TL, I think Oprah may have already put in for the trademark as she used that phrase to explain to her audience why not all of them were getting a free car.

      She has also used it to explain her unwholesome love of discredited, lying authors and madly flutuating weight.

      Still, I say steal it. It’s not like she’d miss the trickle of royalties from blogland.

  6. I will be back to leave a comment tomorrow sometime between 6 a.m. and whenever the hell I feel like it.

    And I’ll want to use your bathroom. Probably more than once.

    • Don!

      You must have some previous experience in the field technician, um, field. Spoken like a supervisor, with all the authority and disdain that only hours of ignoring irate people can bring.

  7. Professor,

    You have so many inside connections. What can you do to improve my relationship with my credit card companies. For example, I’d like them to disappear off of the face of the Earth please.

    • Claire,

      If by inside connections you mean corporate dumpster-diving, than yes, I am extremely well-connected and covered in coffee grounds and paper cuts.

      I’m sure the credit card companies will get theirs. I’m hoping to have a say in that, and I dare anyone to stop me. Possibly RF, whose administrative privileges could have my posts removed at a moment’s notice.

  8. The people to whom you spend your real life with must really like you, ’cause you’re funny.
    Wouldn’t it be odd if I had been the lazy blob that ruined your day with my “less than professional” service call? In real life we we’re like, “I’ll kill you”, but on the net we we’re like, “Put it there pal”.

    • Thanks for the kind words, RR. I sincerely hope you weren’t that guy. I’m hoping that guy is now terminally unemployed. And ill. Terminally ill.

  9. I was “that guy”. By the way, I’m dead now. Thanks! (Talk about kickin’ a guy when he’s down…)

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: