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Upcoming Sequels

November 6, 2009

If there’s anything Hollywood loves more than counting money and pandering to demographic groups, it’s pandering to a known demographic by cranking out a sequel. Here’s what the major studios are reheating for us in the upcoming months.

val kilmer

For the sequel, Kilmer has asked for "better hair;" "more expressive mask."

Heat 2: The Robbening
With most of the principal characters dead, the sequel focuses on Val Kilmer’s character, who was last seen ditching his wife and daughter for a life of not going to prison for several years. Al Pacino is back, obsessed with hunting down the “one that got away.”

Directing duties have been passed on to Lars Van Trier, whose unconventional filmmaking and confrontational style saw Val Kilmer participate in some improvised (and often, completely nude) bank robberies, for which he is currently serving 20 years at Lompoc Correctional Facility.

Lars Von Triers hails it as “provocative, dangerous cinema.”

Costner considers "better hair;" laying groundwork for "Expression C."

Kevin Costner briefly considers "better hair;" first attempts at planned "Expression C."

They Still Call Me “Dances with Wolves”
After a nearly 20-year stretch of failed vanity projects and forgettable roles, Kevin Costner returns to the welcoming arms of his most successful vanity project. He reprises his role as Dances With Wolves, the sole enlightened white man in existence.

The story follows his purchase of a failing business in South Dakota and his unflinching battle with decades old anti-gambling laws. Costner grants himself ample screen time to explore his character, including several topical monologues which recall Steven Segal’s triumphant work in On Deadly Ground. Written and directed by Kevin Costner. Additional screenplay work by Paul Verhoeven and Joe Eszterhas.

Time Magazine calls it “a triumphant retread, full of Costnerian hubris.”

star_wars

Carrie Fisher's requests for "better hair;" "non-related love interest" vetoed by George Lucas. He did, however, turn her character lesbian.

Star Wars Episode 9: The Twilight of the Revolution
Picking up where episode six left off (and skipping two more episodes, presumably to be retconned in later), with the Death Star destroyed (again) and the Empire defeated, Episode 9 rejoins the characters as they live out their remaining years.

  • Watch Han Solo makes an embarrassment of himself in an Aldreraan retirement community, as his randy exploits never manage to make the ladies forget that he shoots first.
  • Chewbacca returns to his home planet, only to be set upon and dismembered by his own species, who react violently to the alien smell of “human” on him.
  • Luke Skywalker is faced with the realization that the rebellion never had a solid severance package in place and is forced to perform Jedi “magic” at birthday parties and bar mitzvahs to make ends meet.
  • Leia never gets over being unable to conceive and spends her remaining years banging random helmet-wearing freaks in an effort to confront her “Daddy” issues.
  • Lando finds himself profiled into a 10-year sentence for a liquor store holdup.
  • R2-D2 and C-3PO are finally married after leaving Tatooine’s restrictive political climate for the relatively more relaxed Endor. Things end badly for the married couple when C-3PO catches R2-D2 fellating (?) a power washer.
  • On a brighter note, Jar Jar Binks is also dismembered due to his “human” smell shortly after the opening credits.

FOX-TV says “full of Lucas’ patented heart and razor-sharp dialog.” CBS-TV says “Big Chill meets On Golden Pond in a fanboy’s basement.”

james_cameron

Cameron offers to trade three Oscars for "better hair;" "artistic merit."

Titanic 2: The King of the World
James Cameron returns to the icy, money-choked waters of his greatest success, Titanic. Borrowing liberally from Clive Cussler’s Raise the Titanic (and being sued in the process) and his own dementia, Cameron presents the story of an eccentric billionaire who wishes to prove that the Titanic, with the proper level of sobriety and nude paintings, could have made that voyage successfully.

Cameron freely admits that the main character (Jim Camber) is loosely based on himself. Camber’s abrasive ego and Scrooge McDuck-esque piles of money soon find him several thousand feet below the surface, raising the Titanic for another maiden voyage.

Camber raises the Titanic and follows the fateful route. Tragedy strikes when the drunken Irish stowaways manage to rip through the hulls during an out-of-control party/car bombing. Ironically (or not), the Titanic returns to the depths at nearly the same spot as the original catastrophe.

James Cameron tops his last outing by using a combination of green screen and depression sufferers to simulate the sinking ship’s last moments. Viewers will be unable to escape the haunting images of the many extras clinging to the nearly vertical deck for life, which suddenly seems bright and livable when cold, icy death is staring you in the face. Listen closely for screams of “Fuck you, James!” and “For the love of God, where are the stuntmen?”

Entertainment Weekly calls it “a tour de force of cinéma vérité, proving just how many lives Cameron is willing to sacrifice for artless commerce (883, at last count).”

-CLT

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19 comments

  1. Does Chewbacca have a dick? I mean, he is a guy, right? So, where’s his dick? This has consumed me for many years.


    • Those questions will all remain unanswered in the sequel, TL, if for no other reason than nobody else is suffering from the same strange affliction you are: Chewbacca Dick Consumption.

      You need to drink plenty of fluids, preferably boiled and filtered and get some rest. You may also want to run yourself thru a vigorous course of antibiotic and methadone shots.

      Great to see you, TL. Thanks for asking the questions nobody else asks. Or wants answered.


  2. Funny how Luke Skywalker’s fate and the fate of that guy who played him…uh…Leif Garret?…no..Lance Kerwin?..no… Mark Hammil, yeah, were almost the same.

    Except I understand Mark Hammil doesn’t do birthday parties unless there are at least 20 kids in attendance and he gets a reserved parking spot for his Neon.


    • The twisting of their fates (Skywalker, Hamill) is unfortunate and ironic. Mostly unfortunate.

      Lucas’ choice of Hamill for the role was based on Mark’s eerie resemblance to Lucas’ first wife, who suddenly went “rogue” and “lesbian” during the tailend of the sixties.

      Hamill’s a bit of a bitch when it comes to pleasing crowds. Jake Wilson’s 13th birthday party came to a sudden halt when somebody mentioned his father. Everything got all angst-y. And near-homicidal-y.

      Thanks for the visit and excellent observation, Don. You have the verve and wit of someone half your age, as well as the bladder control of a saint.


  3. This is so exciting since I’m both a movie aficionado and I like movies. I can’t wait to see Heat 2. I wish they’d raise Neil McCauley from the dead though. I always thought he should have killed Lt. Hanna. I mean everything (well almost) that De Niro has ever done has been gold. Pacino has been a little whore with some of his roles. It would be so cool if they made Kilmer play Jim Morrison again while being an on the run bank robber. –Just a thought to mix things up.

    Screw Dances; I’d rather see Costner come back to play Mr. Brooks again. If only to have the pleasure of watching Dane Cook die again. And again. I wonder if they could make him die 7 times?

    Do you know where Leia is drinking these days? And where I could get a cool mask?

    Lastly, the only way I’d watch another Titanic is if they got Leo to play Dirk Pitt. But he’d have to tap into a bit of Billy Costigan as well. I fucking loved Billy.


    • Excellent ideas, Scott, most of which will be incorporated into my next post: Great Ideas I Had. You may notice that your comment has been deleted, but rest assured, it was probably a WordPress fuckup. Or comment goblins.

      You could probably resurrect them all for Heat, or better yet, do a backstory on them before the fateful heist. It may be tough to explain how they’re all 20 years younger but look 20 years older, but perhaps Eszterhas can lend his patented scriptwork.

      If Costner is going to expend the energy to kill Dane Cook, the least he could do is try to get out of it thru the ever-popular murder-suicide.

      Leia is drinking at Edge’s down near Sunset Strip. They make an excellent Manhattan and their souvenir postcards are worth a trip.

      Billy was great but Jack’s character was where all the proverbial script meat went. I can just see Scorsese making Jack’s day by asking him to “do it again, only bigger.”

      Nice to see you, Scott. I breathlessly await your life-affirming tale of congenital lobsterism.

      http://zodiblog.wordpress.com/2009/11/07/the-lobster-boy/


  4. Another day, another great post by CLT

    Some choice sequels here. I just did a bit of digging and found two more we can expect for this holiday season.

    Cries and Whispers II: Ass Kicking Season Time

    Ingmar Bergman’s 1972 award winning classic about two sisters who watch over their third sister on her deathbed, torn between fearing she might die and hoping that she will has been given a much needed updating by Clive “Writer God” Cussler.

    Utilizing revolutionary dialogue that combines English and Swedish (that’s right!), you might be asking yourself, “how can it get any better?” Well, brace yourself: It stars Chad “Fucking” Kroeger in all roles. This one will be huge.

    Some sample Cussler dialogue.

    Karin: [as played by Chad, to Maria, portrayed by Chad] You look so disconcerted. So very viskningar och rop! The cod is poisioned and so is my grundåskådning. You thought our talk would be flooping different, didn’t you? I find your insipid smile and your idiotic ooortodoxaness to be unbearable. Kiss my diseased genitoolsun, you rancid flutehooren.

    Anna (Performed by Chad) Stoogle my asshole, Karin! How have I managed to tolerate you so long and not say trosinriktning? Fuck you, you frotting loopenstack and your false laughter. Recoil in shame as I reach for my outdated and repellent UZI machine gun. Ha, ha! I will kill you, you worthless grundåskådning bitch of a fatherstooper!

    [Anna exhales and then, surprisingly, throws herself into the pond, and, even more surprisingly, then explodes.]

    I’ve Got Asthma

    The much anticipated sequel to “The Elephant Man” was originally to be entitled “Elephant Balls – Son Of The Elephant Man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

    It was the exclamatory story of Elephant Balls, the love child of The Elephant Man and his nagging succubus, Doreen. A dark black morbid melodrama comedy meets coming of age meets “really, you think this shit will sell?”

    After several failed test screenings, the movie has been reedited, recast, rethought, reconfigured, regurgitated, reborn, and entirely redone into the frothy sex teencapade comedy “I’ve Got Asthma”

    “I’ve Got Asthma” is the tale of Johnny Elephantiasis, his elephant sized balls, and the girl he wanted to lose his virginity to – which was any girl on this planet.

    It is sure to be a misunderstood masterpiece and 1,026 times better than The Elephant Man. Plus, they shot the music video for it years ago. Now that’s forward thinking! I haven’t seen it, but I’m giving it 2 opposable thumbs up and a hickey.


    • Nicely done, Alan.

      Of particular merit is the “2 opposable thumbs up and hickey.” That is where Siskel and Ebert went wrong. They should have grabbed Morgana to help them push their reviews over the edge (and onto Spike!).

      Thanks for the well-researched and totally facetious research.


  5. I think CLT and alantru could have duo-handedly written Seinfeld (and it would have been funnier).


    • We did dual-handedly write a sitcom together. It was “brilliantly horrific” according to the good people at AOL.com.

      The plotlines are here:
      https://capitalistliontamer.wordpress.com/2009/04/24/oh-that-jason/

      Some discussion of our mistreatment by studio heads runs on at length, starting approximately here:

      http://sickdays.wordpress.com/2009/09/15/delays-delays/#comment-7097

      Great to see you, elizabeth. Thanks for the props, which will be distributed equally between Alan and me as soon as possible.


    • Thank you for reviving “Oh, That Jason!”…absolutely loved it!! I see I have a lot of catching up to do.


    • Yes. I have been fairly busy. My fingers are worn down. Consequently, my typing is a little more blunt, resulting in massive amounts of inappropriate opinions and swearing.

      Welcome back, elizabeth.


  6. Hilarious CLT, you are the James Brown of the blog industry. I think I see Admiral Ackbar there.

    Bring back Uwe Boll.


    • Thanks, FJ. I just need an extra-large coke habit and 1/10th more funk to join the JB’s of the blog world.

      Uwe Boll is due for another tangentially (sp? word?) related bashing. He could join CFC and Nickelback in the “frosh hazing” that is this blog.

      Great to see you, FJ.


  7. I can’t even attempt to think of something original that hasn’t already been said (partly because it’s 2am and partly because you already answered my initial question when you responded to Tannerleah–it too, had consumed me for many years), so I will just give you cyber-props for yet another “kick-tastic” post.

    Oh, and I know those were only his first attempts, but I really think Costner “killed it” when he showed the world his Expression C.

    R.I.P. “it”.


  8. “Chewbacca returns to his home planet, only to be set upon and dismembered by his own species, who react violently to the alien smell of “human” on him.” – Can you say comedy gold?

    This is all bullshit! There’s not one vampire movie on your list. Where’s Blade 12?

    Or how ’bout Mad Max Jew/DUI Warrior?


    • Excellent suggestions, RR. Perhaps some sort of Mad Max/vampire action movie that explores the Zionist conspiracy. That ought to pack them in. We can double-bill it with the latest Michael Moore flick.


  9. Me likey!



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