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The Bible: Fancy Plans’ Edition Vol. 2

November 4, 2009
Leviticus

Due to the atonement rush, burnt offering scalpers are rolling in shekels.

As you may recall, our first edition of the Fancy Plans’ Bible dealt with the final chapter of the final book of the Bible. It was all doomsday and J-Dog/Dawg. Oh, and there was a fine Crystal Pepsi reference about 12 words into it, so that was pretty awesome. (If you don’t remember, click here for Volume One.)

For this week’s selection in heretical re-writing, we’re flipping way back to the third book of the Bible, wherein we find God handing out rules left and right. Apparently the flood didn’t straighten everything out and the Man himself feels it’s time to lay down a few hundred guidelines.

The Ten Commandments is pretty far behind us at this point, but with only 10 of them, some gray areas and loopholes are now being closed by the legal team of Yaweh & Bernstein. Let’s join today’s pre-judgement already in progress…

Leviticus 5

1 And if a soul sin, and hear the voice of swearing, and says, “Good lord! Is that my kid?” and is a witness, whether he hath seen or known of it, we really don’t care. Circumstantial evidence is cool with us, because nothing says Friday afternoon like blood running off an altar. If he do not utter it, then he shall bear his iniquity, like an iniquitous monkey of his back, for a length of time to be determined at sentencing.

2 Or if a soul touch any unclean thing, whether it be a carcass of an unclean beast, or a carcass of unclean cattle, or the carcass of unclean creeping things, or your mom’s underwear drawer, or that corpse floating in the drainage ditch and if it be hidden from him; he also shall be unclean, and guilty, and possibly contagious.

3 Or if he touch the uncleanness of man, whatsoever uncleanness it be that a man shall be defiled withal, and it be hid from him; when he knoweth of it, then he shall be guilty. And he shall show us on this doll where the uncleanness was touched and for how long and with a whole lot of detail.

4 Or if a soul swear, pronouncing with his lips to do evil, or to do good, whatsoever it be that a man shall pronounce with an oath, and it be hid from him. In fact, it’s kind of a crap shoot. Remember when we had ten commandments that were pretty cut and dried? Those days are over, bitches. Prepare to have the fuck judged out of you with a shifting set of rules not unlike that drinking game we played earlier this morning. When he knoweth of it, then he shall be guilty in one of these. Probably “Failure to alphabetize goats by sundown on every third Tuesday.”

5 And it shall be, when he shall be guilty in one of these things, that he shall confess that he hath sinned in that thing. We’ll hear the phrase “I’m guilty of ‘that thing'” a lot, because nothing here is set in stone (well, except for the Ten Commandments). This is all a work in progress. A punishable-by-death work in progress.

6 And he shall bring his trespass offering unto the LORD for his sin which he hath sinned, a female from the flock, a lamb or a kid of the goats, for a sin offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for him concerning his sin, by touching the goat in the “uncleanness.” Repeatedly.

7 And if he be not able to bring a lamb, then he shall bring for his trespass, which he hath committed, two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, unto the LORD; one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering. Better make it three. These ceremonies are time-consuming and we could always throw one on the Foreman altar. Chips and soft drinks will be provided by the priest, if not otherwise detained with goat-touching duties.

StoryOTB055_p135_HighPriestBurningIncense

Spying his mom in the line outside, the high priest works quickly to cover up the pot smell.

8 And he shall bring them unto the priest, who shall offer that which is for the sin offering first, and wring off his head from his neck, but shall not divide it asunder. Now, we will want to go back and re-word this as news has reached us of a rash of self-inflicted near-decapitations. To clarify: the priest (x) shall wring the head, almost but not completely, from the body of the offering (y).

9 And he shall sprinkle of the blood of the sin offering upon the side of the altar; and the rest of the blood shall be wrung out at the bottom of the altar: it is a sin offering. Keep in mind that during Mardi Gras and following Christmas/New Year’s Eve office parties, the blood will be running about calf deep. Oh, and bring a calf. You may not remember the three-way in the supply closet, but Ms. Dalton and the toner cartridge sure do.

10 And he shall offer the second for a burnt offering, according to the manner: and the priest shall make an atonement for him for his sin which he hath sinned, and it shall be forgiven him. (Note: forgiveness does not come with a lifetime release of guilt or guilty feelings. Keep your receipt. And drink heavily.)

11 But if he be not able to bring two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, then he that sinned shall bring for his offering the tenth part of an ephah of fine flour for a sin offering; he shall put no oil upon it, neither shall he put any frankincense thereon: for it is a sin offering. You got that, tightwad? All you need to bring is a tenth of whatever the hell that is. A handful, I guess. And don’t be spicing it up either. The last guy tossed a ton of rosemary in it and a little goes a very long way.

12 Then shall he bring it to the priest, and the priest shall take his handful of it, even a memorial thereof, and burn it on the altar, according to the offerings made by fire unto the LORD: it is a sin offering. By the way, today’s topic is: The Sin Offering: The 1,001 Do’s and Don’ts of Sin Offerings.

13 And the priest shall make an atonement for him as touching his sin that he hath sinned in one of these, and it shall be forgiven him: and the remnant shall be the priest’s, as a meat offering. And thus began the great tradition of priests inappropriately touching “sin” and abusing “meat” offerings.

StoryOTB053_p130_TableOfShewBreadArkGoldenCandlestick

From ad on Craigslist: "... middle item does have unfortunate 'bug," in which it peels the faces off of non-Christians who look inside of it. No refunds."

14 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

15 If a soul commit a trespass, and sin through ignorance, in the holy things of the LORD; then he shall bring for his trespass unto the LORD a ram without blemish out of the flocks, with thy estimation by shekels of silver, after the shekel of the sanctuary, for a trespass offering. Don’t be bringing us those ugly-ass pimpled rams. You know we hate those and everyone of you has tried to ditch these awkward, nerdy rams with us over the past couple of years. And it bears repeating: nothing says atonement like handfuls of cash. You just cannot go wrong there. That would be about the only place that “thou” cannot go wrong.

16 And he shall make amends for the harm that he hath done in the holy thing, and shall add the fifth part thereto, and give it unto the priest: and the priest shall make an atonement for him with the ram of the trespass offering, and it shall be forgiven him. And the priest will make the same joke about whether or not the ram has a “hemi” in it, and you’ll force out a laugh that says you’ve never heard that before, good one, which you had better do, because at this point you’re on his turf.

17 And if a soul sin, and commit any of these things which are forbidden to be done by the commandments of the LORD; though he wist it not, yet is he guilty, and shall bear his iniquity. This has been left deliberately vague as a catch-all for anything we may overlook. Like “public nuisance.” Or “being black.”

18 And he shall bring a ram without blemish out of the flock, with thy estimation, for a trespass offering, unto the priest: and the priest shall make an atonement for him concerning his ignorance wherein he erred and wist it not, and it shall be forgiven him. Once in awhile, everything will work out. And if I may subtly hint again, shekels, my brothers. Shekels make the flat world go round.

19 It is a trespass offering: he hath certainly trespassed against the LORD. You see those caps? That means we’re serious.

-CLT

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11 comments

  1. And the LORD said, Let there be Doritos and Commodores music for all. The people were amazed and told each other that this God was totally legit.


    • Loving the new face, FJ. Reminds me of Ricky Schroeder on an acid binge (meaning I once saw Ricky Schroeder while injesting a large amount of acid; and they’re right – acid does make everything better, including being arrested).

      The Rev. MC Hammer agrees with you on God’s legitness, as well as His inability to cease his day job due to His incredible amount of legitness.

      Thanks for the comment, FJ.


  2. I’ve always told everyone I’ve met; if anyone can rewrite the bible, CLT can.

    I don’t mean to be a gossipy Gentile; but did you smell the sin offering that Mrs. Rehoboth offered? Well, I guess it was technically Mr. Rehoboth, since women aren’t allowed in the temple. But you and I both know that women could screw up manna if it was dropped form heaven. Anyway, if that was her best goat, then I wouldn’t want to see her lame goats. And you’d think someone would tell her to relax with the pepper. I could almost hear God sneezing from here.

    Now to go slightly off topic, I found a bit that I know you will enjoy. It’ll have you laughing your ass off. Maybe in #3 you could deal with Genesis; the book, not the band… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_EXqdJ4L7I


    • Don’t be a gossipy Gentile, Scott. It has some terrible side effects, like being killed for not walking the line and being ridiculed and corrected by other commenters (see here and below).

      Anyway, thanks for the gossip! No shit. What was up with Mrs. R.? I can only speculate wildly that her effed-up livestock are the result of years of interbreeding thanks to Mr. R. and his 8 randy sons (this includes Randy, who is technically adopted, but they treat them as one of their own, especially in terms of barnyard gangbangs).

      Thanks for the comment and the clip, Scott. Great stuff in both places.


  3. Scott, quit being such a gossipy Gentile! (Sorry, CLT, it had to be said.)

    Stellar stuff, CLT. You are like Sunday School for “Kids Who Can’t Read the Bible Good”.

    (And yes, I do realize that makes absolutely no sense, but hey…that’s just the way I roll sometimes.)

    Anyway, before I succumb to this (I’m still on the fence re: being confirmed) , I just have a few questions:

    1) When he/she/ it/cena(?) says “iniquitious monkey of his back”, is cena (let’s go with cena this time) talking the proverbial iniquitous monkey or the other one?

    2) When cena says “unclean beast”, is cena referring to the proverbial unclean beast or the other one?

    3) I feel sorry for anyone going into my mom’s underwear drawer (I guess that’s more of a comment than a question)

    4) Too bad there wasn’t a synonym for “uncleanness” (again, just throwing it out there)

    5) When the priest “touches the goat repeatedly in the “uncleanness”, like how many times are we talking here? Just enough to make things awkward? Or does he go all the way? The answer to this would have a definite impact on how often I sinned.

    6) Is that Craigslist ad legit? Because last time I fell for something like that I ended up sending $500 through Western Union to some guy who was selling me a brand new Macbook, only to find out that I’d been conned.

    I could go on and on, but I realize that I’ve given you a lot to research, so I guess I’ll stop here.

    Great stuff, CLT. If cena were around today, he’d be giving you the proverbial “thumbs-up”.


    • Bschooled, you’ll be happy to know that Scott has been duly chastised and threatened with stoning. He has converted and we will now be able to get our gossip more kosherly.

      As for the kids, a special volume entitled “The Bible for Kids Who Can’t Read the Bible” is headed to local cult members, atheists and illiterates.

      Let’s get down to the research:
      1) We’ll say Cena until notified via lightning strike/takedown notice. The key here is a translation issue, in which the author (CLT) originally meant “monkey ON his back” but was overridden by the choice of the translator (CLT) to head in a more nonsensical direction, given the source material.

      2) When cena says this, no one knows exactly what he means, but they are encouraged to draw their own conclusions and twist the phrase until it suits their pre-existing values.

      3) Most who have gone in there have never resurfaced.

      4) I thought unclean was used a bit much, but I believe that is most faithful to the King James Version (ca. 1611) which, not coincidentally, arrived nearly 250 years before the first thesaurus (1852).

      5) This will all vary from priest to priest, with the “high” priest getting slightly less “action” than the “drunk” priest and way, way less than the “e’d to the gills” priest. (All way way way less than the drunken frat boy.)

      6)The Craigslist ad is legit. This money is routed through a Nigerian currency exchange in which your dollars (American or Canadian) are exchanged for mocking laughter (Nigerian).

      Good lord. Now I am very worried about cena’s thumbs; such as where they are now and where they will be soon.

      Great to see you, bschooled. Thanks for the food for thought. (It went straight to my brain-hips).


  4. Wonderful. Nobody does the Bible like Fancy Pants.

    “And he shall show us on this doll where the uncleanness was touched and for how long..”

    Too damned rich! Get that book on tape and send a copy my way.


    • The book on tape is on your way, Don. A fine cast of voice actors bring this outdated collection of fables to life, including (but not limited to) Kirk Cameron, MC Hammer, Bob Dylan, Mr. T and (for the female voices, of which there aren’t really any) Dr. Laura. Truly a feast for the ears.

      Thanks for stopping in, Don. Always a pleasure to see you.


  5. I wonder if God will ever come back. He/She must be extremely disappointed like parents returning from vacation early and seeing beer cans on the lawn.


    • Well, when he/she/it comes back, I hope they stop several other places first, so they can kind of get worn down and not take it all out on me…


  6. Amen!



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