Archive for October, 2009

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The Presidents of Harvard University: the First 100 Years

October 14, 2009
The plans for Harvard's main office, altered slightly to remove the original "FUCK HARVARD" facade.

The plans for Harvard's main office, altered slightly to remove the original "FUCK YALE" facade.

Here at Fancy Plans, we pride ourselves in being able to tackle even the dryest subject with aplomb. For your consideration today: the presidents of Harvard University, whose hallowed halls and large endowments have fathered many of our nation’s leaders. Without further fucking around, we present a history of this fine institution, as seen through the eyes of its leaders.

Part One – The First 100 Years

1. Henry Dunster 1640-1654
Henry was voted “Most Likely to Helm an Overbearing School” after his many hours logged as hall monitor and switch cutter. Most likely was born left-handed, but was “cured” of this after long hours of forced repetitions and amputation. Known affectionately as “The Dunster.”

2. Charles Chauncy 1654-1672*
The first of the Chauncy clan to graduate from the sixth grade, Chancy went on the helm Harvard during a turbulent time that saw many upperclassmen die during skirmishes with a nascent Yale. Also coined the term “coxswain” after a drunken interlude with the inhabitants of Harvard Pond. Affectionately known as “Chucky Duck-Fucker.”
*Died in office after accidentally breaking off the inner handle.

3. Leonard Hoar 1672-1675
Born with a speech impediment and an even more unfortunate surname, Hoar overcame these early hurdles to lead Harvard to its first victory over Yale’s polo team. After his success as a coach, Leonard was chosen president during a 19-hour game of Russian Roulette, played dangerously using single-barrel musket loaders. He survived his gaping head wound to serve the school during the turbulent “Violently Erratic Years.” Affectionately known as “Lucky Leo” and “Filthy Hoar.”

4. Urian Oakes 1675-1681*
Urian spent 17 years as the president of Harvard much to the surprise of his eventual successor. As his opponents began a vigorous filibuster, Urian slipped out through the bathroom window and let himself into the president’s office, where he barricaded himself for the next 2 years. During this time, another office was built and filled by a variety of interim presidents and attractive interns. Known affectionately as “Pay No Attention to That Pounding and Cursing. It’s Just These Old and Hallowed Halls Settling. And Cursing.”
*Died in office due to lack of adequate ventilation, which had been re-routed to the new office.

5. John Rogers 1682-1684*
Known to many as “Jolly,” Rogers ushered in a new era of explosive violence and drunkenness with his hostile takeover of the new president’s office. Arriving via horse-drawn ship, the visibly drunken and clinically insane Rogers proceeded to “board” the upper level, cutting a swath through the freshman ranks before hoisting his flag in the office and vomiting into the wastebasket. His raiding party continued to pillage and occasionally rape the underclassmen and furniture for 3 long and uneventful years. He died of scurvy-related complications and was buried at sea (or rather, the Harvard Pond). Known affectionately as “Gummy Jack.”
*Died in office for reasons listed above. May have also suffered from early-onset Restless Leg Syndrome, or “Sea Legs.”

6. Increase Mather** 1685-1701
Fiercely competitive, Increase had his name legally changed twice, from “Decrease” and “No Change,” respectively. He oversaw Harvard’s expansion from a loose confederation of rich, spoiled jerks into a highly organized pack of rich, spoiled jerks. Credited with the formation of the Skull and Bones, Mather prized secrecy and loyalty over such other virtues as honor and respect for human life. His legacy lives on today in the form of the Skull and Bones, which no one will officially admit exists. Except for that one guy, who we never saw much of after that. Just the occasional bloated corpse in Harvard Pond, which could be anybody really. Even Gummy Jack. Affectionately known as “Cotton.”
**Killed two vice presidents while in office due to their violation of Rule #2 of Skull and Bones: You DO NOT TALK about Skull and Bones.

7. John Leverett 1708-1724*
Although Leverett held the university’s highest office for nearly 17 years, nothing has much been said about his contributions. Most of his contemporaries noted that he was “quiet” and “kept to himself,” and really did nothing out of the ordinary other than haul multiple bags and rolled-up carpets and hurl them into the deep end of Harvard Pond. Further investigation into this matter has resulted in the same answer: “Have you tried the quad? The person you are looking for hasn’t been seen in a fortnight but if you’d like you can try this Oriental rug on for size.” Known affectionately as “Crazy John, the Guy Nobody Suspected.”
*Possibly “gay.”

8. Benjamin Wadsworth 1725-1737*
Benjamin Wadsworth rose from his disadvantageous and “merely rich” upbringing to become the foremost robber baron of his time. Uneducated, even by Brown standards, Wadsworth used his wealth and considerable influence to secure the premier position at Harvard. Once in place, he began his tireless work to “tear the place down from the inside.” Unfortunately, he and his underlings were unused to physical labor or efficient anarchy and left 13 years later only having managed to take a few pictures off the wall and scribble a few mustaches on the remain portraits (which usually had mustaches already). Known affectionately as “Dubya.”
*Died while in office due to an overdose of leeches.

Stay tuned for parts 2 and possibly 3 in the near future. And kids, stay in school.

-CLT

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A Letter to Voters

October 12, 2009
"As your candidate, I promise to be not only different, but better, than all of you..."

"As your candidate, I promise to be not only different, but better, than all of you..."

Dear Registered Voter:

With the election season upon us yet again, like an overaggressive and needy lover, I just wanted to take a few minutes of your time to ask for your support. This is my first race for the recently and tragically vacated city council seat, and as a long-time privileged outsider, I feel I have the qualifications need to fill this position.

I think I would prove to be a valuable addition to our city’s legislative team. Here are some of my past achievements which I believe will give me a “leg up” on my opponent, Tim Wilkins.

  • All-district debate team alternate (Junior and Senior years).
  • Co-promoter for 1998’s Mixed Doubles Ultimate Fighting Championship, whose proceeds went directly to local domestic violence shelters
  • Sign waver #31 at last year’s Democratic National Convention
  • Purchaser of over $1200 in bake sale goods (1987-present)
  • Have watched Wag the Dog over a dozen times
  • Once, while kind of tuned up and listening to Toby Keith on the jukebox, kicked a guy’s ass for questioning our country’s foreign policy decisions
  • Voted twice in our most recent national election, thanks to a loophole in our town charter (a loophole I intend to close after this coming election)
  • Extra-large trust fund makes me less susceptible to bribes or misuse of public funds, at least theoretically.
  • That guy whose ass I kicked? My opponent, Tim Wilkins. A letter has been sent to his campaign headquarters requesting he change his slogan to: “Tim Wilkins: Talks Like a Commie; Hits Like a Girl”

While this powerful body of work should assure you that I am the man for the job, I would also like to take this opportunity to run down my stance on several important issues facing our 2,800 registered voters.

Proposed 4-way Stop at the Intersection of Willow and Pine
Despite the fact that I drive past this intersection daily on my way to the adult bookstore and have no desire to stop, much less slow down at this point, I think we cannot ignore the fact that there have been two (2) accidents in the last 31 years. Perhaps the last one was the most tragic, as a busful of children collided with another busful of smaller children. Fortunately there were no injuries (or witnesses), but it could have gone another way.

My vote: Yes on Prop. 127

Property Tax Hike Adjustment
As much as we would all like to see your taxes stay unchanged, pressing issues at the local school make a case for additional funding. Chief among these would be additional funds for the Music Department, which would free them from having to make the tough choice between new instruments or new uniforms.

Voting Yes on Prop. 131 would free district parents from either watching a band wearing nothing but their shiny new instruments or “listening” to a field full of smartly-dressed mimes.

My Vote: Yes on Prop. 131

Anti-Sag Legislation
Another “hot button” topic is the Baggy Pants Ban, which was put to a popular vote earlier this year. Although this bill passed with a healthy 69% of the vote, various interfering entities have stalled enforcement of said bill with claims that the bill itself is “unconstitutional.”

Unfortunately for those challenging the ordinance, the town charter contains many clauses and loopholes that allow the governing body to circumvent the U.S. Constitution altogether. For example, Article 12(a).2 states:

The Town’s governing body is encouraged to act as a ‘law unto itself’ and is not subject to overreaching legislation at the State or National level.

It also states that each elected official will be allowed to hold that office “for life,” subject only to “promotion/demotion, voter recall or vigilante justice.”

My Vote: Unchanged on Prop. 151 (a.k.a. the Baggy Pants Ban)

Thank you for your time and I hope that I can look forward to your vote in November.

-CLT

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Heavy Rotation Vol. 18

October 11, 2009

Hey! We’re finally legal. Thank god for that. All these so-called formative posts have finally paid off, turning us into the glorious creature of well-endowed musicality that we are today.

Check out our new Selective Service card, all shiny and potentially deadly. Oh, and we can vote! Exciting good times all around. We’ll celebrate with a boozeless party that’s sure to draw only family members and acquaintances looking to get into our pants.

No more dealing with uncomfortable leers or repeated requests for “ASL?” Prepare to be rocked in the most adult, but responsible, fashion. 

Previous underage volumes available here:
The Heavy Rotation Archives

negativland

Negativland – U2
Smart asses of the highest order, the members of negativland took on the most important band in the world with this single, featuring kazoos, U2 samples and an extended profane rant from America’s sweetheart, Kasey Casem.

Needless to say, much lawsuiting followed and nobody came out a winner. Except for you, as the song is now yours to enjoy. In fact, much of their catalog has been turned over for Creative Commons usage as the negativland members are obviously no fan of copyright. Enjoy in good health and a clear conscience.

 

Mylo

Mylo – Destroy Rock N Roll (Tom Neville Mix)
Bedroom producer Mylo cranks out the clubber’s fight song, offering to take out several bands in the name of electronics, via the unhinged ranting of Church Universal and Triumphant elder. Severely truncated in video form, although it does get the point across in a very stylish fashion. Enjoy the much longer version, available at the download link below.

 

danlesacvsscroob

Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip – Thou Shalt Always Kill
As long as we’re knocking iconic bands and killing rocknroll, let’s go ahead and get all confrontational with major corporations, NME, pop idols, the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, the Clash, the Cure and the list goes on and on and on. A very clever rant, peppered with nearly club-friendly beats and pointed fingers singling out pretentiousness, hypocrisy and bandwagon-jumpers of all persuasions.

 

bayer_heroin_bottle

PQM – You Are Sleeping (Luke Chable Vocal Pass Mix)
A banging floor-filler with some wicked flanging and gated reverb that would kill the club even without the clincher: a fucked-up and brutally truthful monologue dealing with the junkie mentality. I’ll go ahead and include the rant below as I know “repetitive club beats” are a tough sell. The person providing the spoken dialogue remains unknown, but it sounds a hell of a lot like William S. Burroughs.

You pick up this working girl
hooked on smack
hustles and scores
that’s all I do she says
she says, ten bucks for head, fifteen for half-and-half
three hits a day a thirty-five per

you say
that’s at least seven tricks a day
but she says, sometimes I get lucky
once a guy gave me a bill and a half just to eat me
only time I ever came

you think you can save her

you hock your color tv
it keeps her off the street a whole day
your typewriter for one jolt
then your shotgun, your watch
a week later you say, listen I’m a little short
but she says, no scratch no snatch

you say, look it is better to give
she says, beat off creep

One night they bust you on the street in your skivvies
trying to sell your shoes
you tell them who you are but they nail you

she happens by
she says, christ you look fucked
she says, hang tough

you don’t say anything
you just think
what a bum rap for a nice sensitive guy like me

 

mia

M.I.A. – Paper Planes (Remix Feat. Bun B & Rich Boy)
As is the case with nearly every white boy, I have a somewhat secret love for both hip and hop. Perhaps it was my formative years as a DJ. Maybe it was that horrible experience at summer camp that the surviving members vowed never to speak of again, a promise we all kept until the surviving members began dying off one by one…

Well, whatever it was, enjoy this with no reservations or white boy copouts (it’s actually a form of dancing). Hip hop is rarely described as “beautiful,” but M.I.A.’s standout single could be. But just in case it all seems a little to “twee” (another word that never describes hip hop, unless we’re talking De La Soul…), Bun B and Rich Boy show up to gangsta up the joint.

All mp3’s zipped up in an aptly-named zip file for easy downloading and transport:
Heavy Rotation Vol. 18

-CLT

[All music posted on Fancy Plans… is kick ass and too awesome to be contained. All music is also posted temporarily and, due to it’s high level of ass-kicking, should not be distributed without a prescription and care should be taken while operating heavy equipment or dancing around the living room (clothing optional, but do remember that the blinds are open/kids are still awake).
Should you wish to have your brilliant artistic statement forced back into confinement, please email me at 2timegrime@gmail.com. Feel free to leave a comment, as that will probably be noticed sooner.
By all means, if you like what you hear (and you will), please support the totally rocking artist(s) by purchasing some music or heading out to see them live.]
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This Week’s Featured Soap Operas

October 9, 2009
Young at heart; Restless in legs

Young at heart; Restless in legs

This week on The Young & The Restless
Jack shoots first, leaves a detailed questionnaire with the cooling corpse. Sharon breaks hearts as a fictional character triumphing over scripted adversity. Gloria bets $200 on Black. Unbeknownst to Victor, his refrigerator warranty has expired. Paul hits Level 60 with his W.O.W. Rogue. Katherine develops ovarian cancer. And scurvy. Devon fires up some dramatic music, paces thoughtfully. A mysterious fire destroys Nicholas’ collection of common mid-’90s baseball cards. In a short-sighted and self-destructive act, Nikki begins killing off the other characters.

Gen. Hospital's illustrious military career was summed up by this screenshot, pathetic caption

Gen. Hospital's illustrious military career was summed up by this screenshot, pathetic caption

This week on General Hospital
Max’s bloodless coup fails miserably, mostly on the “bloodless” part. Alice watches old family movies, cries silently. Sonny blames his latest fight on his alcoholism, which he blames on his dyslexia. Surrounded by freshly buried corpses, Carly declares her battle with sanity a “tie.” Patrick’s abrasive behavior results in shunning, beating. Luke attempts to “monetize” his masturbation habit, with disastrous results. Samantha touches herself inappropriately; sues Judy Blume. Monica spends a quiet evening at home with a bottle of gin, a jar of peanut butter and the family dog. Jeff decides to fight “the war at home,” much to the dismay and terror of his neighbors. For reasons known only to him, Alfred begins sporting an eyepatch and goatee.

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The Audacity of the Same Old Shit

October 8, 2009
Observers noted that this was one of the few times that Obama leaned to the right.

Observers noted that this was one of the few times that Obama leaned to the right.

As many of you may have noticed, I am way less than thrilled with the current President. It’s not so much the man in the office. He’s just another career politician. It’s what he could have been and how quickly he sold out. Here’s a rather lengthy rundown on why I’m sick of Obama.

Let’s start out at the beginning. Obama is chosen as the candidate for the Democratic party after an extended bitchfest with Hillary Clinton. Clinton makes some odd moves like making up stories about being shot at while out with her husband (the current President) in a hostile nation. What bearing this has on the race is moot, as she is not in the running anymore.

As this event occurs, an amazing groundswell movement takes up the torch for Obama, consisting mainly of uninformed citizens whose voting records would be considered spotty at best and “I last voted when MTV was rocking the vote” at worst.

Everybody wants to get on the bandwagon. Time Magazine spends the entire race publishing one public display of affection after another. Everyone on the internet talks about how “energized” and “hopeful” they are. Even the largely apolitical music blogs I visit start posting adoring articles and spicing up their usual clubland pics with the occasional Obama poster.

So at this point, I’m on guard already. If nothing else, life has taught me that large groups of people who agree on something are generally wrong. (Case in point, Nickelback has sold 30 million albums.)

But let’s look at his opposition. Obama already has most of the country eating out of his hand and McCain is busy running his campaign with all the grace of a 300-lb. club-footed ballerina.

McCain’s campaign was rife with stupid moves like running off on the high road mid-race to get a handle on the shitty economy (“We have no time to campaign! We need to serve the people!“) only to reappear roughly minutes later on the campaign trail (“Fuck the people! I’ve got a race to win! Vote for me in November, people!“).

At the Republican National Convention, McCain decides to outplay the race card by grabbing himself the nearest woman to serve as VP. (“I see your black guy and raise you one woman.”)

By this time the election should have been called on account of candidate ineptitude. McCain clearly wasn’t going to win. And he certainly didn’t deserve to. Throwing him into office would have been like tossing your car keys to Vince Neil.

Obama coasted to victory and claimed the throne. Originally it was just the presidency but the entire world seemed to approve of it so his title was upgraded.

[Full disclosure: I did not vote for Obama. I did not vote for McCain. I sat this one out because write-in candidates (Batman) generally receive less than 4% of the popular vote (Alan Keyes).]

So now we only had a few short months until a young, vigorous black smoker took the helm. I thought, “Well, this is different. Let’s see how this plays out. Maybe he will shake things up with his vitality, charm and second-hand smoke.” If nothing else, it wouldn’t be four more years of being fucked while wrapped in the American flag.

And then he lost me.

Even though he wasn’t officially in office, he made it a point to nudge Bush in the ribs (hard) to get that Big Three bailout money rolling. This happened on November 10th, less than a week after his election.

“Hook a brother up,” he said, referring not to himself, but rather his fine union brothers whose corruption and greed had brought their employers to the brink of bankruptcy. And as RF Interference pointed out, bankruptcy means ditching the union, so that obviously wasn’t acceptable. (“It isn’t.” – Michael Moore)

That was the beginning of the end.

Read the rest of this entry ?

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New From the Fancy Plans Press

October 6, 2009

 

IKEA's online shopping assistant said, "Just toss them on the floor."

IKEA's online shopping assistant said, "Just toss them on the floor."

Living on Pennies per Year: The Homeopathic Guide to Budgeting

Borrow This Book! The Fairly Essential Handbook for Mild Mannered Revolutionaries and Conscience-Ridden Kleptomaniacs

Strunk & White’s The Elements of Texting

So You Want to Be a Journalist: Making the Most of Your Last-Minute Major in the New Millennium

Covers such essential ground as: suing Google, suing blog hosting, suing bloggers, erecting paywalls, insulting your readers’ intelligence, cranky bitching, etc.
(Future installments may include: investigative techniques, finding reliable sources, working with your reader base, actual journalism, etc.)

Sharing is Stealing: Child-Rearing Advice from Parents in the Music Industry

  • Why every child needs their own set of toys
  • Nothing says “Happy Birthday” like writing our a check to cover performance royalties
  • Keep that radio turned down, dammit! (That check for performance royalties is coming out of your allowance, mister.)
  • Illegal downloading is “wack,” or so says relevant actress Alicia Silverstone
  • How would you like it is some came and took all of your toys and did whatever they wanted with them? I mean, you would still have your toys, but like they took an exact copy of your toys. For free. And then they enjoyed your toys themselves or shared them with their friends and didn’t even pay you for, well, not exactly taking your toys, I guess… Let me start over. You have toys that you paid for. Someone else wants to use your toys. Again, not your actual toys, but an exact copy of them and they wouldn’t have to pay for them… I mean, you paid for your toys so it’s not fair that they don’t pay for their set. People should pay for stuff because stuff costs money. Even though you don’t play with all your toys… because like every set of 14 or 15 toys only has about 1 or 2 toys that you even play with more than once… Sharing is stealing! I don’t need to explain this!

Growing Up in the Shadows: Solange Knowles in Her Own Tweets

  • someone just keeps pollinating my days…:)))))))))) and clever notes to sprinkle a little more beautimous and awesomery energy my way:)
  • Star and triangle shaped iced cubes! Why do I get a big kick out of things like this???
  • Can’t believe movie was sold out!!! Uber sad faces.
  • @xdaniel lol. I speak greatly about my hood. I love Houston lookn ass girl.

One World, One Village: The Young Person’s Guide to Co-Opting Other Cultures

  • Bob Marley’s Greatest Hits and you’re in, mon. Especially if you’re holding.
  • The keffiyeh and other essential gear for the pretentious twat
  • White boys & rap; or Eminem: groundbreaking fluke?

The Naive Tourists Guide to Staying the Fuck Out of Trouble: East Coast Edition

  • New Jersey – officially off-limits
  • Emergency plans including “Roll up the windows!” “Lock the doors!” and “Floor it!” (includes helpful tips gleaned from Bonfire of the Vanities)
  • Winning 3-card monte strategies
  • How to buy drugs without looking like a narc (for instance: “Can I possibly trouble you fellows for some narcotics?” is completely wrong and possibly deadly)

Coming soon: West Coast Edition

  • Enjoying a “Fuck wit Dre Day” on less than $40 a day
  • When a stop sign is not a stop sign: the rolling stop in 3 easy steps
  • How’s my driving? Follow up question: How’s my shooting?
  • 90mph merging strategies
  • Overpriced bullshit: the Haight-Ashbury legacy
  • Fastest driving routes to get “straight outta Compton”

Deep South Edition

  • The legal ramifications of not being “from around here”
  • Making small town corruption work for you
  • Black? Consider visiting the East Coast or West Coast instead
  • Atlanta: glittering metropolis or duded-up backwater town?
  • The sights, sounds and smells of the “Redneck Riviera”: Your guide to the Florida panhandle

Our Organ Banks, Ourselves: The Reality of Being More Useful Dead Than Alive

The Goofus & Gallant Guide to Formal Occasions

  • Gallant prepares his remarks carefully using 3×5 cards; Goofus rambles on at length about his fascination with quote: “the surviving members of Wham!”
  • Gallant waits quietly to be introduced; Goofus kills another guest for “eyeballing” his date

Half-Full Proverbs for a Half-Empty Life (Illustrations by Half-Ass “Painter of Lite” Thomas Kincaid)

Your Inner Slut: Freeing Yourself from Moral Oppression (foreword by Tara Reid)

-CLT

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Heavy Rotation Vol. 17: 20% Shinier, Happier

October 4, 2009

Last week I kind of got into a rather nihilistic rut, music-wise. Perhaps I was overtired. Maybe it was the old debbil-blues. Maybe, just maybe, it was nothing intentional. So to head off any potential WTFs and nightmarish, um, nightmares, this week’s Heavy Rotation will feature some of the feel-goodingest music ever collected.

This is not to say that I’ve gone soft (despite Cena’s comment) or am now living la vida Gleemonex. Just an attempt to strut down the sunny side of the street without sacrificing quality for cheese.

Previous volumes here:
The Heavy Rotation Archive

cornershop%201

Cornershop – Brimful of Asha (Fatboy Slim Mix)
Norman Cook (aka Fatboy Slim) inserts some pumped-up beats into Cornershop’s breakthru hit and sends it spinning pleasantly out onto the brightly-lit dance floor. The addition that seals the deal is the breakdown, which features ping-ponging samples of the lead singer delivering shout-outs to record labels, various producers and Bollywood stars, with the refrain “on the 45” answering each one.

(Which you won’t hear in this version, unfortunately. Can’t find it online. You’ll just have to download the zip file to hear the full version. Sorry.)

Bonus: brought the word “bosom” back, however briefly.

 

Space_Raiders_-_(I_Need_The)_Disko_Doktor

Space Raiders – Disko Doktor
Another dance floor keeper, from another artist on Skint’s brilliant roster. Half-disco, half-house, half-vocoder, all fun. Good for what ails you, disko-wise. If the song itself doesn’t make you feel a little warm all over, the video will. Still nothing? Take two of these disko biscuits and call me in a day or two.

(Starting to sense a pattern here, but the video version is severely truncated. The track I have runs in the 5 minute length. So, start clicking.)

 

fatboy-slim

Fatboy Slim – Sho Nuff
A b-side from his Praise Yousingle. Singular in its pursuit of a good time, full of thumping beats, bright synth lines and some audacious sampling. All together now: “Humpin’ and bumpin’ and thumpin’ and pumpin’…” It will get stuck in your head, and for that I apologize insincerely.

(See above. Heavily edited on youtube. Full length in my [and possibly your] possession.)

 

GoTeam_450x336

The Go! Team – Huddle Formation
A band that throws everything, including the kitchen sink, into their songs. Then the whole mess gets handed to the local high school cheerleaders and pep squad and taken for a high speed joyride up the main drag. Your guess is as good as mine on the lyrics, but they do shout out a recognizable “Go Team!” here and there. The ass-kickingest good time song ever to be made by people who could probably not kick any ass whatsoever.

 

cramps_red_lo

The Cramps – Garbage Man
One of the simple joys in life is the music of the Cramps. Coming on like the lovechild of Duane Eddy and a Hammer horror film, the Cramps brought a cheerful derangement to their off-kilter rockabilly.

Their lead singer, Lux Interior (RIP) vamped, preened, deep-throated mics and strutted all over the wrong side of the musical tracks. Managing to run a band without a bassist for several years, as well as a revolving door of drummers, the Cramps managed several great singles, an occasionally great album and the continued employment of Poison Ivy Rorschach (aka Mrs. Interior) as permanent lead guitarist.

If you haven’t heard them by now, it’s never too late to start. Prepare to have your mind dragged thru the gutter by these self-described “1/2 hillbilly and 1/2 punks.” Off the splendidly titled Songs the Lord Taught Us album, which features other classics like Strychnine, T.V. Set and I Was a Teenage Werewolf.

All files unabridged, zipped and tucked into a handy, downloadable file (link opens in new window):
Heavy Rotation 17

-CLT

[All music posted on Fancy Plans… is kick ass and too awesome to be contained. All music is also posted temporarily and, due to it’s high level of ass-kicking, should not be distributed without a prescription and care should be taken while operating heavy equipment or dancing around the living room (clothing optional, but do remember that the blinds are open/kids are still awake).
Should you wish to have your brilliant artistic statement forced back into confinement, please email me at 2timegrime@gmail.com. Feel free to leave a comment, as that will probably be noticed sooner.
By all means, if you like what you hear (and you will), please support the totally rocking artist(s) by purchasing some music or heading out to see them live.]
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Homeowners’ Association vs. Capitalist Lion Tamer: the Correspondence

October 1, 2009
Well, no one seems to bitching about grass length anymore...

Well, no one seems to bitching about grass length anymore...

[Details from the still-pending case of the Lakewood Estates Homeowner’s Association vs. Capitalist Lion Tamer, which has resulted in one arrest.]

CLT-

Your grass has exceeded the 2″ length as stated in Bylaw 12.3. Please remedy this. Thank you.

Bill Prescott
President
Homeowner’s Association

 

Bill-

Great to hear from you! Thanks for taking an interest in my lawn. A combination of aggressive fertilizers and herbicides has given it the lush fullness that I saw you admiring earlier today.

It’s not often you see a grown man down on all fours (your mileage may vary, Bill). Especially a grown man in the possession of a finely tuned set of calipers. If I ever need to know the exact length of my erect penis, I’ll be sure to borrow them from you.

As for the lawn, I’ve adopted a lassiez faire policy as recommended by the 2002 Kyoto Accords.

Sincerely,
CLT

 

CLT-

I fear my correspondence has not been taken seriously. Your grass has now exceeded 2-3/8″ (as measured at 2 pm today). It must be below 2″ to comply with our bylaws. If this is not taken care of, the Association will cut your grass for you and you will be billed $125/acre. Thank you.

BP

 

Bill-

I feel awful that you think I have not taken your previous letter seriously, and even worse that you’re in fear. I assure you that I mean to comply with your ridiculous request as soon as possible.

In fact, I have been on the horn (it’s a nautical term, landlubber) all day gathering competing bids for a landscaping service. At this point I have narrowed it down to your personal landscaper (Jose) and your son, who has also agreed to write something horrible about you in his journal, and shortly after that, across the garage door. He has also offered to mow “FUCK YOU” into the lawn at no extra charge, but I think that may be a bit much.

Any costs I incur about my usual landscaping budget (currently sitting at $10) will be billed to you.

Cheers!
CLT

 

CLT-

You have 2 days left to comply on the lawn. I have spoken to my son and he is now forbidden to make any contact with you. In fact, he is being sent out to a “boot camp” style teen retreat for the summer.

As for Jose, he is free to do as he pleases, but I would recommend hiring your own lawn care professional. This should help you (and him) avoid any sticky “conflict of interest” issues.

Thank you again for your prompt attention.

BP

 

Bill.i.Am-

I have spoken to Jose. He seems to understand that working for me may jeopardize his continued employment with you. This doesn’t seem to bother him at all. I have offered him shorter working hours and the opportunity to work for someone less officious and anal.

I also pointed out that marrying your daughter would expedite his acquisition of a green card. We’re going bowling Thursday and hope to have that plan hammered out by the end of the evening.

I’ve also filed a preemptive lawsuit on behalf of your son’s eventual physical abuse at the boot camp. I also mentioned that he might be slightly less creepy if he didn’t insist on carrying around that video camera at all times, no matter how many “interesting” wind-blown plastic bags would go undocumented.

Riposte!
CLT

P.S. I realize that I have forgotten to discuss the current state of my lawn in this correspondence. Sorry for the oversight.

 

CLT-

I had hoped to reach an amicable solution, but your juvenile correspondence leads me to believe this will be impossible. The lawn service will be over to take care of your grass at an estimated cost of $189.

I am also considering filing a harassment suit, unless you would be willing to apologize and sign a statement agreeing to stay away from my family.

BP

 

Bob-

I’ve reached an agreement with Jose. He will mow your yard beginning at 3 am (this will include edging) before continuing on to mine, beginning roughly around 6 am.

I am planning to show my solidarity for the “working man” (Jose) by playing my Clash albums at an incredibly loud volume, also beginning at 3 am.

If you’re up, why don’t you come over and knock back a few shots with me? We can bullshit for a bit while Jose touches up the lawns. I feel like we never got to know each other, despite the fact that we live in adjacent houses.

Viva la revolucion,
CLT

 

(Phone call)

CLT: Hello?
BP: CLT? This is Bill.
CLT: Oh. Hey, Bill. What are you doing up this early? You should come have a shot. I’ve had several.
BP: Why in God’s name is Jose mowing my lawn right now?
CLT: Sorry, Bill. I’m having trouble hearing you. Some kind of buzzing noise coming from your end. Is someone mowing your lawn?
BP: Yes, goddamnit! Jose is—
CLT: Once again, Burl, having trouble hearing you. Let me turn down the stereo a smidge.
BP: I SAID—
CLT: Listen, Brett? I’m going to put you on speakerphone so I can wander around the house while pretending to listen to you.
BP: Look. I think this has escalated past my jurisdiction. I may have to get local law enforcement involved, if for nothing else than a noise complaint.
CLT: I hear ya’, Bob. I don’t think anyone expected them to be 0-3 at this point in the season, but that’s why they play the games.
BP: What??? It’s “Bill,” by the way. I said I’m going to need to call—
CLT: Hang on, Brian. Armagideon Time? Holy shit! I haven’t heard this in years!
BP: Did you just turn it up?!?
CLT: Anyway, you should come do a shot or two. Jose’s having one.
BP: Tell him to get his ass back over here!
CLT: He says, “No habla prick.”
BP: That little fucker! CLT! I’m going to call the police! I’m not going to warn you again!
CLT: I know. They’re awesome. They were so far ahead of their time. Shame about B.A.D. and B.A.D. II. They just sort of sucked.
BP: I’m calling the cops.
CLT: Good news, Billy! I think we have hit on a solution here! Jose has agreed to burn my lawn to the ground and salt the earth. He can do yours next!
BP: (Hangs up)

-CLT