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Selections from the Fancy Plans Press Vol. 1

October 31, 2009
Yet another game of Rock, Paper, Scissors ends in a tie.

Yet another Rock, Paper, Scissors tie...

Welcome, dear reader, to today’s selection from the Fancy Plans Press, a vanity press that runs on imagination. Imagination and fossil fuels. Imagination, fossil fuels and proprietary software.

Today’s selection is: The Goofus and Gallant Guide to Formal Occasions. You may remember Goofus and Gallant from the pages of Highlights magazine, which was apparently distributed in mass quantities to elementary school libraries and pediatrician waiting rooms. I’m not sure if you could actually buy a subscription to it, but who needed it, what with all the time the average parent spends in the doctor’s office.

Here’s a brief excerpt of what is sure to be a runaway best seller, what with its affordable retail price of $24.95 and its inclusion of a gift card good for 50% off your next TS/TV prostitute. And here’s the kicker: you can choose which half!

  • Gallant engages his table with topical conversation; Goofus “rocks out with his cock out.”
  • Gallant carefully selects a subdued tie; Gallant decides which mesh tank top says “Funeral.”
  • Gallant is stood up and improvises by inviting his sister; Goofus arrives with an extra guest – Gallant’s date.
  • Gallant swears to do more to help the spotted owl; Goofus berates the bartender for improperly mixing his Irish Car Bomb.
  • Gallant is invited to be a keynote speaker at the next event; Goofus rereads the restraining order for possible loopholes.
  • Gallant greets each guest and carefully secures their coats and wraps; Goofus heads to the strip club, calling in a noise complaint on his party guests during the drive.
  • Gallant tips the valet generously; Goofus claims to not have any cash on him but to “check with his homosexual manservant, Gallant.”
  • Gallant steers conversation around his guest’s recent legal trouble; Goofus wonders if they have room for “one more” on the “civil suit money train.”
  • Gallant takes great care to assure that the escorts are paid in advance; Goofus explains that it just must be “extra cold in here.”
  • Gallant sickens everybody with his infalliable good nature and politeness; Goofus entertains the party guests with some sordid anecdotes about other party guests.
  • Gallant accepts his community service award with a graceful and brief “thank you” speech; Goofus refuses to answer any questions without a lawyer present.
  • Gallant double-checks each place setting for proper silverware placement; Goofus uses a mixture of commemorative plates, coke spoons and sporks.
  • Gallant waits until intermission to speak with another audience member; Goofus shoots the President during a crucial scene in Act II.

-CLT

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8 comments

  1. Tell us that story, you know, the one where Goofus beats Clussler and Nickleback like a rented Gallant.


    • Hahahaha!!!

      Spectacular!

      It went something like this: Goofus flies into ‘roid rage at a charity dinner, tears off Gallant’s arm and takes out Chad Kroeger’s table. Among the many beating victims? Clive Fucking Cussler and his “if it weren’t for involuntary reflexes, I’d have no reflexes at all” son Dirk.

      Classic stuff and there’s a moral hidden in there as well. Something about playing nice with other people’s stuff. Especially their limbs.

      Great to see you, FJ.


  2. The only good thing that pediatricians ever did was keep agitated, worried and frenzied parents waiting and thus allow their snot nosed kids (this isn’t derisive, the poor kids’ noses were filled with snot) to read Goofus and Gallant.

    G&G healed a nation with laughter and helped millions, while vile pediatricians and hideous librarians never did nothing for no one. And you can quote me on that.

    Thanks for the delightful memories. If I may share a few of my own G&G episodes that really touched my life in ways that a “soul hug” just can’t…

    Gallant meets the Queen of England, and, following proper and respectful protocol, he respectfully bows his head from the neck. Goofus meets a drag queen and humps away on his knee until he’s spilled his Goofus egg all over the drag queen’s leg.

    Gallant considers a 1955 Grand Cru Classe Pauillac Bordeaux, a full-bodied, crisp, dry wine with golden apple and ripe pear aromas, coupled with underlying but subtle oaky flavour and notes. Goofus likes it when he swallows his own puke. It’s warm and it burns his hickey covered throat.

    Gallant carefully considers his University choices. He decides on Harvard. Goofus, in need of drug money, mugs Harvard president, Joseph Willard and beats on his skull until it’s apple pulp.

    For the wedding, Gallant decides to wear a top hat and spats. For the dog fight, Goofus wears a sick grin and pants that accentuate his massive balls.


    • Hahahaha!!!

      Man, that was funny. And unpleasant. Just they way I like it. It sort of had a John Waters feel to it, what with all the puking and humping and spilling of seed.

      Or maybe it was Harmony Korine feel. Or not. No clowns and everyone seems to be of the age of consent.

      Maybe I’m thinking of Merchant-Ivory…

      Thanks for setting us straight on pediatricians and librarians. Anyone who would choose to deal with children (and only children) (and those terrible “only childs”) for a living must have something up their sleeve. Like a drip bag of LSD-spiked morphine.

      Thanks for the comment, Alan. We really should talk sometime. 😉


  3. Ha!

    Outstanding work, CLT. I had forgotten all about these two crazy kids. I always had a thing for Goofus myself. His hilarious anecdotes and fondenss for nose candy made Gallant seem like kind of a “nerd”.

    I would tell you some stories myself, however Alan’s memories of G-squared makes mine pale in comparison. I can, however attest to the size of size of Goofus’ massive balls.

    “Elephantitis much?” was a rhetorical question that I’d always ask him in jest.

    It was our private(s) joke…


    • Who among us has not started a conversation with “Elephantitis much?”

      Before you answer all at once, let me remind you that you are under oath. It’s somewhere in the back of the WordPress TOS, which you should really read, unless you like being surprised by content removal and soul-harvesting.

      Goofus was always the party monster. Always had drugs but always broke. I’d like to think these two things are related, but it seemed to be more of a situational “broke,” like when it came to rent. Or bail money.

      Thanks for re-visiting these old friends/cliches with me, bschooled.


  4. Awesome! I always loved G and G. I still read ‘Highlights’ when visiting the doctor… is that creepy?


    • It’s often the only mag that hasn’t made its way out the door in the hands of a theiving senior citizen or pre-tween kleptomaniac.



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