Selections from the Fancy Plans Press Vol. 1October 31, 2009
Welcome, dear reader, to today’s selection from the Fancy Plans Press, a vanity press that runs on imagination. Imagination and fossil fuels. Imagination, fossil fuels and proprietary software.
Today’s selection is: The Goofus and Gallant Guide to Formal Occasions. You may remember Goofus and Gallant from the pages of Highlights magazine, which was apparently distributed in mass quantities to elementary school libraries and pediatrician waiting rooms. I’m not sure if you could actually buy a subscription to it, but who needed it, what with all the time the average parent spends in the doctor’s office.
Here’s a brief excerpt of what is sure to be a runaway best seller, what with its affordable retail price of $24.95 and its inclusion of a gift card good for 50% off your next TS/TV prostitute. And here’s the kicker: you can choose which half!
- Gallant engages his table with topical conversation; Goofus “rocks out with his cock out.”
- Gallant carefully selects a subdued tie; Gallant decides which mesh tank top says “Funeral.”
- Gallant is stood up and improvises by inviting his sister; Goofus arrives with an extra guest – Gallant’s date.
- Gallant swears to do more to help the spotted owl; Goofus berates the bartender for improperly mixing his Irish Car Bomb.
- Gallant is invited to be a keynote speaker at the next event; Goofus rereads the restraining order for possible loopholes.
- Gallant greets each guest and carefully secures their coats and wraps; Goofus heads to the strip club, calling in a noise complaint on his party guests during the drive.
- Gallant tips the valet generously; Goofus claims to not have any cash on him but to “check with his homosexual manservant, Gallant.”
- Gallant steers conversation around his guest’s recent legal trouble; Goofus wonders if they have room for “one more” on the “civil suit money train.”
- Gallant takes great care to assure that the escorts are paid in advance; Goofus explains that it just must be “extra cold in here.”
- Gallant sickens everybody with his infalliable good nature and politeness; Goofus entertains the party guests with some sordid anecdotes about other party guests.
- Gallant accepts his community service award with a graceful and brief “thank you” speech; Goofus refuses to answer any questions without a lawyer present.
- Gallant double-checks each place setting for proper silverware placement; Goofus uses a mixture of commemorative plates, coke spoons and sporks.
- Gallant waits until intermission to speak with another audience member; Goofus shoots the President during a crucial scene in Act II.