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The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 1

October 29, 2009
amplified_bible

This one goes to 11.

(A quick explanation on this post: This is actually culled from a comment thread over at Stop Annoying Me, the Internet’s finest source for booze-powered cynicism. Tannerleah takes on a variety of topics including soccer moms, John Gosselin, Randy Quaid’s stick-up techniques and pretty much anything else that reeks of stupidity/calculated bullshit.

A man among bloggers, TannerLeah has single-handedly revived such classic ideas as abusing yourself to June Cleaver fantasies, proudly sporting visible erections pretty much everywhere, comparing self-promotion to walking around with your “thingy” out and livening up even the dryest subject matter with biting wit and cleavage shots.

This particular post dealt with the newest “end of the world” hysteria, which posits that the Mayans have that shit down cold, thanks to the combination of outdated calendar systems and “noble savage” assumptions. TL asked for a Biblical perspective, which is exactly what follows this long-winded opening statement.

Some of you may have seen this already. Please try to keep the spoilers to yourself until everyone has had a chance to read it. Thank you. And thanks to TL for allowing me to reclaim my comment and walk around acting like this is “new” content.)

22:1 He showed me a river of water of life, clear as crystal Pepsi, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb,

22:2 in the middle of its street, home to Madness (but not Bedlam – that phrase is copyrighted). On this side of the river was the tree of life, bearing twelve kinds of fruits, 25 kinds of vegetables, and several fine shoulder cuts. The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations, being all aloe vera and shit.

22:3 There will be no curse any more. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants serve him, all piling into the throne like so many clowns into a VW.

22:4 They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads (THIS END UP).

22:5 There will be no night, and they need no lamp light; for the Lord God will illuminate them, with a very powerful form of radiation, which the idiots will call “The Light of the Lord,” and which will not be safely recyclable. They will reign forever and ever, weather permitting.

22:6 He said to me, “These words are faithful and true. The Lord God of the spirits of the prophets sent his angel to show to his bond, James, bondservants the things which must happen soon, which is a very relative measure and not at all quantifiable. Like a handswidth. Or a cubit.

22:7Behold, I come quickly, He warned the ladies, retrospectively considering that ‘Beware’ may have been a better choice of word. Blessed is he who keeps the words of the prophecy of this book, which will be tough, because the hole punch is on the fritz.

22:8 Now I, John, am the one who heard and saw these things. When I heard and saw, I fell down to worship before the feet of the angel who had shown me these things, so I really didn’t have the best vantage point for seeing, per se, but trust me on this.

22:9 He said to me, “See you don’t do it! I am a fellow bond, James, bondservant with you and with your brothers, the prophets, and with those who keep the words of this book/Trapper Keeper. Worship God. Duh.

22:10 He said to me, “Don’t seal up the words of the prophecy of this book, for the time is at hand, and as I mentioned before, the hole punch is failing at the only thing it’s supposed to do.

22:11 He who acts unjustly, let him act unjustly still. He who is filthy, let him be filthy still. He who is righteous, let him do righteousness still. He who is holy, let him be holy still. Or whatever. We’re not here to judge. We’ll leave that for the Baptists.

22:12Behold, I come quickly,” He warned again, only fainter as He was about ready to come. “My reward is with me, to repay to each man according to his work, except for Judas, that cheap-skating bastard. He’d sell his own mother if she was on fire… or something.

22:13 I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End, the Entrance and the Exit, the Up and the Down, the Parking Light and the Highbeams.

22:14 Blessed are those who do his commandments, that they may have the right to the tree of life, and may enter in by the gates into the city, because they’re gates. They’ll be clearly marked “Entrance.”

22:15 Outside are the dogs, the sorcerers, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters, and everyone who loves and practices falsehood. You know, we may just hang out here for awhile. Everything on the inside is sort of like early morning cheerfulness, only 24-7.

22:16 I, Jesus, have sent my angel to testify these things to you for the assemblies. I am the root and the offspring of David; the Bright and Morning Star. See other nicknames above. You can also call me J-Dog.

22:17 The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” He who hears, let him say, “Come!” He who is thirsty, let him come. And He will reply, I already did. Sorry. I was hoping we wouldn’t make a big deal out of this. Screw it. You want a beer? Or three?”

22:18 I testify to everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book, if anyone adds to them, may God add to him the plagues which are written in this book. I’m serious about this. Don’t do anything more than add your own impressions, beliefs, outdated behaviors and hatred towards women. Other than that, try to at least keep the gist of it. God & stuff.

22:19 If anyone takes away from the words of the book of this prophecy, may God take away his part from the tree of life, and out of the holy city, which are written in this book, which is now blowing away in the wind. Stupid &$%$# hole punch.

22:20 He who testifies these things says, “Yes, I come quickly.” Amen! Yes, come, Lord Jesus. (Thanks for bringing that up. Again. Why don’t you just put it on a t-shirt or something.)

22:21 The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with all the saints. Amen. By the way – Re: 2012. You may want to carry an umbrella or something that year.

-CLT

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13 comments

  1. This reference work is a must for the desk of every teacher, preacher, and Bible reader. Christianity


    • You speak the truth. Recommend it to everyone you know. Perhaps a big, bold link on your site might help.


  2. When I saw the first image, I thought that Ted Haggard had come out with a new translation of the Bible during his buying (but not doing) meth days. It sure would have made an interesting read.

    That was a fucking brilliant idea; taking scripture and adding to it. I’m laughing my ass off. Especially 22:18 that shit was tight brother CLT. And believe it or not, I’ve actually used a variation of the Alpha Omega line to pick up a striper. And it worked, but I think only because she thought I was a frat boy or something.


    • Ah, the AMPlified bible, now with more methAMPhetamines. Like MTN Dew, only holier.

      Thanks for the compliments, Scott. Nothing like being a proud alumni and an Alpha Omega.


  3. I’m not going to lie to you, CLT. There have been times when I’ve stared at the computer screen and said to myself, “How the fuck does he do it?” Seeing this comment on TL’s blog happened to be one of those times.

    Unfortunately, my understanding of the Bible is limited to what I learned in Sunday school, which means that unless you’re talking about stories that teach me about sharing and/or how to use an old-school slingshot effectively, I’m pretty much out of the loop.

    But if there’s one thing I do know, it’s t-shirts. And hole-punches. Oh, and the sexually immoral…but that’s just because I have “a friend”, remember?

    But that’s neither here nor there.

    A fine, fine post, CLT. You are one of the few people who could start a blog consisting solely of your comment posts, and it would still be brilliant (although perhaps somewhat confusing, but only for those who don’t get the “inside” of the inside joke…)

    Bschooled. Duh.


    • I often ask myself that same question. I’ve done some of my best work elsewhere, much to my eventual chagrin. I return here after pounding out 1500 words over 5 other sites and draw blanks.

      I’m sure you know the feeling. Scott and Alan leave words all over the place as well.

      Thanks for being accomodating enough to read it twice, bschooled.

      The inside joke is the only thing holding us all back from posting nothing but comments.


    • Yes, I know the feeling well.

      If only I could make a career out of writing about what’s already been written…


  4. Like some leftovers, even MORE delicious the second time around. Bschooled summed it up nicely. All I can add to that is I would love to know what your IQ is as I, too, shake my head at the monitor and mutter to myself “he HAS to be in Mensa.” Like browsing at Saks or Neimans, I love to come in and examine the merchandise: exquisite, well-crafted and worth every penny to read. If you don’t write for a living, you clearly missed your calling.


    • Thank you very much for the plethora of compliments. I have no idea what my IQ is, but my head apparently is able to recycle endless amounts of trivia and minutia into something funny on a pretty regular basis.

      Mensa probably wouldn’t have me. I don’t care for anagrams or math problems where most of the numbers are letters and vice versa. They may also frown upon my frequent use of the word “fuck.”

      However, I do write for free. Which makes it worth every penny. I haven’t figured out how to turn it into real money, and the more I see of the internet, the less I see a money train lighting up the end of the tunnel.

      However, I do enjoy the give-and-take in the comment threads and the quick feedback. That’s very satisfying.

      Great to see you, elizabeth.


  5. Thank you for your kind comments. I have had at least 2 hits from your links so that has doubled the traffic at my site. Thank you!

    And yes, I believe that we should all share our erections with each other. Instead of shaking hands we can just cross swords to say hello. This has not caught on yet but I am hopeful.

    Also, I am trying to bring rainbow kisses into the mainstream. Again, an uphill battle but someone has to lead the way.

    Oh, and messing with the Bible earns you a first class ticket to hell. (Plus the ire of Kirk Cameron). See you there!


    • Glad we could do our part to help out your site, TL. I hope you didn’t pull out too many folding chairs. We aren’t quite the monstrous Internet portal that our animated banner ads would have you believe.

      I think you have the inside curve on “erection etiquette.” I’m sure within a few years, everyone will be walking around with their “thingies” out. Perhaps even the women.

      Lastly, I’m pretty sure I can take Kirk in a fight. Canseco may have cleaned my clock, but Kirk looks like a lightweight. If nothing out, I’m sure I could confuse him with some three-syllable words or religious rhetoric.

      Great to see you, TL. Thanks for letting me reclaim my precious, precious words.


  6. In the second coming will God blog or Tweet?


    • I’m not sure. I heard he was announcing his return visit on Geocities, but I never heard Plan B.



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