Sometimes a Half-Assed Notion

October 26, 2009
A rare woodcut of a blogging pioneer carefully drawing a blank.

A rare woodcut of a blogging pioneer carefully drawing a blank.

Sometimes a great idea will slap me upside the head, mostly unbeckoned. Other times, something will inspire me to track that fucker down and slap him around myself.

This collection of misfits fit into neither of those categories. These incomplete posts are the result of my brain deciding to toss out an idea and then head somewhere else for the next several hours, relegating it to a half-empty sheet of paper with no possible function.

I’ve been carrying these around in my notebook for a good six weeks+ at this point, so I’ve decided to dump them on the blog, if for no other reason than I can throw these sheets out and move on.

We’ll call it closure. You can call it whatever you like. Please hold your comments until the end of the post. Thank you. 


Two-thirds of the Jonas Brothers check on their relocated promise rings.

Two-thirds of the Jonas Brothers check on their relocated promise rings.


The Disney Channel’s Fall Season Update

  • The cast from High School Musical heads to college! Catch the all-new spin-offs: Devry School Musical and Safety School Musical!
  • In a 2-hour season premiere, the Jonas Brothers exchange promise rings for cock-rings!
  • Keep an eye on Miley Cyrus as her C-list celebrity dad shows up for a variety of “Special Guest” shots in small parts, including Miley Cyrus’ dad, the janitor, a steroid salesman and the sketchy dude who’s always hanging around the parking lot. 

And as you can see from slide #192, there are a hell of a lot of numbers on it...

And as you can see from slide #192, there are a hell of a lot of numbers on it...

Quarterly Productivity Report for Associated Electronics Mfg., Inc.

  • Staring blankly at productivity reports – +78%
  • Employee internet usage – +1,200%
  • Average employee BAC – 0.06
  • Red wires cut – 8,100
  • Blue wires cut – 11,005
  • Red wires cut at the last second, after nearly deciding to cut blue wire – 3,412
  • Number of failed team-building retreats – 4
  • Number of lives lost on said retreats – 2
  • Most common workplace injuries:
    Prolapsed rectum
    Misplaced fingers
    Slacker’s elbow
    Suicide attempt
    Toilet seat herpes
    “Attempted to use body as ground wire”
    “Something in my eye”
    “No, I mean something in my good, non-glass eye!”

I will be shopping the fuck out of this place.

I will be shopping the fuck out of this place.


My Post-Lottery Jackpot To Do List

  • Top hats, monocles and tuxes with tails. Massive facial reconstruction to achieve that ultimate sign of fuck-you money: looking like the Monopoly guy. Goodbye chin and healthy posture!
  • Related: hotel the fuck out of Park Place and Broadway.
  • Start series of seminars dealing with how to throw money around responsibly (including which seminars to blow your hard-earned cash on).
  • Pretend to read up on the capital gains tax; allow government to “break it off in me” every April.
  • Commission a Frank Gehry doghouse. Also, buy a dog.
  • Buy my way into the reference book racket so every time I make up a word, it’s now a perfectly legal word. (Hello, “cuntacular!”)
  • Build an extensive group of homeless/tax shelters. 

If you'll just give me a moment to speak with my advisor...

If you'll just give me a moment to speak with my advisor...


Predictions for the Next Decade

  • RIAA, ASCAP and the MPAA assume every person is stealing music and movies; move forward with Congress-approved plan to garnish wages from 150 million employed Americans.

Ah. That’s refreshing! I should totally do this again sometime, except without all the wasted effort.

Here’s one last thought: I love the NFL but never discuss it within the hallowed Fancy Plans pages for one simple reason: the possibility of having to use the words “nickel back” in a positive fashion.



  1. A great series of half-done posts CLT and good timing too because I have at least a half dozen unfinished comments I’d been working on in response to prior posts but which never seemed to fully come together. So, here they are for what they’re worth:

    Why General Hospital? Why not Specific Hospital? Of Lieutenant-Colonel Hospital. And is Monica Quartermain still around?

    Any chance that Wibbly “Tiberius, Claudius, Caligula” Spermwhale III 1778-1805 is relate to Stubby “Nero Arch Duke Ferdinand Romulus and Remus” Spermwale? I’m guessing the odds are pretty good

    Sleeping with My Devil Mask is the best Robyn Hitchcock song ever and I never got the hard candy you promised to send.

    Actually I guess that’s less than a half dozen. Apparently even my half assed comments come up short.

    Thanks CLT

    • Don! A pleasure to see at least half of you!

      Let’s see what we have here:

      The rhetorical questions will, of course, generate a rhetorical response. Why General Hospital? Apparently, Don Mills General Hospital was already taken, and once the broad-shouldered and short-witted lawyers were summoned, the producers realized they had no Plan B.

      As for Wibbly? I’m going with a tenative “yes” because I’m just making shit up as I go along with the Harvard presidents, and I’m pretty sure the commenters are as well.

      Yes and yes. Please send all complaints to:
      The Recently Fired Numerologist Intern Jim
      c/o Jim’s Girlfriend’s Parents’ House
      RR 43
      Wibbly Meadows, MN 55429

      Thanks for the half-rack of half-assed comments, Don. I believe I owe you a full one on your latest post, although I did peek long enough to your hideous death mask.


  2. Blast that Don Mills, he stole my comment idea! (He also stole my best girl and the best years of my life, but that’s between him and me, and not to be harped upon here. Oh, and he also stole my harp…)

    Okay, then…

    Your half done posts reminded me of several of my random thoughts and questions that I have…

    a) never finished thinking about
    b) Never fully answered

    Some of these include…

    -Pez dispensers and writers have lots in common. When you snap back the head of a pez dispenser you’re treated to a delicious candy that pleases the palate and amuses the taste buds. When you snap back the head of a writer you get the pleasure of hearing his neck break and then watching him fall to the floor in a writhing mass.

    – How do you fail a drug test? The way I see it, you simply take a lot of drugs and pass: Seems pretty simple to me.

    -Did man’s inquisitive nature get him the Inquisition?

    -Free trade verses the sex trade. Who, what, where and why. And why not how?

    -Comedy improv… WTF? I can’t understand why we choose to reward artists – and by artists I mean idiots – for their uncompromising dedication to not preparing before they get on stage.

    – How do we get rid of all our fear, anxiety, grief, depression, fatigue, guilt, loneliness, insecurity, and dental, liver and kidney troubles without using Marxism and alcohol?

    -Is fucking cod tasty? Or does it taste fucked? And why I am writing an essay on it?

    -Like most kids today, I want my Al-Jazeera TV and my Fox TV. I bet we could get a semblance of balanced journalism if we combined Fox and Al-Jazeera. Right off the bat, the name sounds great: Fox-Jazeera — Al Fox didn’t cut it.

    – the Immaculate Conception… Clan thinking or religious tripe?

    – Our lives are so fast paced it’s gotten to the point that doctors will deliver a baby in 30 minutes or it’s free.

    – There’s a lack of affordable housing for the poor, no shelters for the mentally ill, homeless people roaming the streets and I haven’t gotten laid in months. Is there a connection?

    • Let me rephrase one of them…

      the Immaculate Conception… Clean thinking or religious tripe?

    • Alan!

      Thanks for the comment, the length of which will most likely disrupt my already-disrupted sleeping schedule. My condolences on the recent loss of your harp. I’m sure the insurance will cover the girl and years.

      1. You’d think that would be the answer, but “the man” is always harshing our mellow with his heavy-handed prohibitionary tactics, the likes of which has me reaching for my stabbing knife…
      2. If by “inquisitive nature” you mean “conversion through torture/death,” then yes.
      3. When the sex trade becomes free trade, you’re either dealing with known sluts or pros with a minimal of tread depth.
      4. Improv = free trade. You can’t put a price on scriptless comedy, nor should you. It’s damn near communistic.
      5. Just double up on the alcohol. Or trade the Marx for Stooges.
      6. Your essay is due by 8 am tomorrow or you are fucked.
      7. I’m all for Fox-Jazeera but only if it will take full advantage of the HD pipe I’ve got running into my TV. No more 4:3 ratio bullshit.
      8. Clan thinking is very often religious tripe, which can be made into religious menudo.
      9. They’ll do this without me having to go to the hospital? That’s excellent!
      10. I think the connection is that homeless people don’t get laid. Perhaps if you had a home…

      Thanks for the epic, Alan. I’ll be seeing you on the insomniac side of the street.

  3. I have a Pince-nez shop around the corner and I too ‘will be shopping the fuck out of this place.”

    • FJ!

      Glad to hear it. Everyone needs at least one little shop (or shoppe) to “shop the fuck” out of. And people said Wal-Mart would destroy small businesses, but when was the last time anyone offered to “shop the fuck” out of Wal-Mart?

  4. I was very concerned that Alan and Don were competing with you for the title of Professor.

    Then I got to FJ’s comment and he put it all back into perspective for me. Thanks FJ!

    • Thanks for showing up and getting straightened out, Claire. It’s great to see you out and about, all looking at things with perspective.

  5. I love your half-assed post CLT. It leaves something to the imagination, unlike that outfit you wore on Friday night. I’d been thinking about doing one of those myself, but with a really cool name like Junk-Drawer, or Excerpts From Early Onset Dementia.

    The Post Lottery To-Do-List was a brilliant idea. I few of my plans……….

    -Ice all up in my grill.
    -Go to a strip club and make it rain.
    -Jimmy Choo shoes. Lots of them.
    -A Rolex and a pair of Isotoner gloves for each member of my offensive line.
    -Open refugee camps in Darfur.
    -Buy an eye-patch, a pirate hat, a boat, and an Uzi, and hit the coastal waters of Somalia.
    -Tell Donald Trump to go fuck himself.
    -Buy Miss America; and I mean that literally.
    -Have a heart to heart with Katie Holmes.
    -Buy 20k worth of crack. Invite L.T., Winehouse, Whitney Houston, Robert Downey Jr., Robert Downey Sr., Courtney Love, and Corey Haim to the party. Have cameras everywhere. Record.

    Damn, I just realized that I could’ve done a whole Post Lottery To-Do List blog, but that would be plagiary.
    -Put Dan Brown’s attorney on retainer.

    • You should totally do one of these, Scott. And then Alan can show up so you’ll actually end up writing two full posts. We Messiah Hobo Boxers don’t refer to him as the Anti-Christ for nothing.

      Love you post-to-do-list, especially the slam on Dan Brown. He writes with the breathless pacing of the Oxford English Dictionary only with way fewer words.

  6. I was going to say what everyone else said but have a wicked bad case of the runs so was late to the party.

    By the way, our quarterly report is confidential and proprietary. Way to throw it all out there.

    Just cuntacular.

    • TL! Pleasure to see you!

      Sorry about the 10-Q fuckup. I had it all ready for the shredder, especially with the FBI at the door, when this courier shows up out of nowhere and offers to “shred it over at WikiLeak.” Never again.

      Sorry also for the runs. That was the caterer’s fault. Mainly because I insulted his background and heritage and threated to pay him in Zima.

      Always cuntacular to see you, TL. You keep it realer than any other occasional black man I know.

  7. My promise ring IS my cock ring! Nice stuff…

    • Wow. The promises you must keep… the mind (and other parts) boggles.

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