This Week’s Featured Soap Operas

October 16, 2009

TV party tonight! TV party tonight! We’ve got nothing better to do, than watch TV all afternoon long with only our many cats and boxes of wine for company.

(Please note that this crass generalization was made for comic effect. I am only insinuating that soap opera fans are lonely people with several cats and a drinking problem.)

... have been written the fuck out of my will, the little shits.

... have been written the fuck out of my will, the little shits.

This week on the All My Children
Erica is traded to The Young and the Restless for $30,000 in cash and a player to be named later. Leo lights cigar, puts feet on desk and stares at the ceiling. Maggie is surprised to see the Dow is off in mixed trading. Leo’s evil twin surfaces; is dismissed as a tired plot device. Zach celebrates the Chinese New Year by ordering some takeout; blowing up several small office buildings. Kendall’s suicide attempt doesn’t “take,” leading to some uncomfortable conversations with those she singled out in her suicide note. Greenlee wins second prize in a beauty contest, which she immediately applies to her mortgage on Baltic Avenue.

Barely ahead of "One Life to Waste" in the ratings.

Barely ahead of "One Life to Waste" in the ratings.

This week on One Life to Live
Agnes’ decision to buy a new hat results in a domestic disturbance call. Amanda blames her latest affair on “gout complications.” Bo instigates a brawl with the phrase, “I’m all out of bubblegum;” spends the next 20 minutes getting the shit kicked out of him in the alley. Blair trips over some dialogue; accidentally breaks fourth wall. In a very special episode, Cole discovers it is better to give than to receive, especially in regards to “donkey punches.” Langston’s increasing friction with the writers results in him lapsing into an indefinite catatonic state. Charlie finally receives State Food Safety Certification; celebrates with a case of Old Milwaukee, salmonella. Natalie confronts her birth parents about their suddenly convoluted backstory.



  1. I’ll follow last week’s format because it was fun and user friendly. Thanks Bschooled!

    All My Children

    1) –In ‘another country heard from news:’ I read that Buddy Ryan has chimed in with his opinion that he wouldn’t have traded Erica for a piss warm six-pack.
    3) –Don’t let that bitch Maggie fool you; she’s having Bernanke’s bastard child and is about to be indicted on insider trading. She knew that ‘little’ Ben’s statement to congress on Wednesday would leave many investors feeling vulnerable.
    5) -Sounds like Zach has been watching Fight Club again. I thought Leo’s evil twin stole that CD for a ‘get right’ fix?
    6) –Poor Kendall; who hasn’t found themselves in that kerfuffle? I’ll bet the Jackson clan was in a snit over her accusations that the acidity was far too great and the bouquet far below expectations in this year’s Pinot Noir. Plus the false claim of her father gang raping her with the day labor crew probably didn’t help to smooth tensions.

    One Life to Live

    1) –You can’t really blame Agnes’s husband too much on that. Those black Baptist babes go a little too far with those hats. I mean, last weeks ‘fruit basket’ hat was really enough. To come home this week with a dead Egret on her head was just too over the top.
    2) -I don’t blame Amanda either; she was on the OC’s for the gout. The doctor quits prescribing them…..what’s she left to do but find another doctor willing to prescribe more if she was ‘willing’ to attend pain management ‘clinics.’
    3) -Who hasn’t gotten their ass kicked for trying to imitate Rowdy Roddy Piper?
    5) -Why would Cole want to punch a donkey? They’re kinda dumb, but very gentle animals. I think Amanda should call PETA!
    6) –Langston should know by now not to fuck with the writers. They are a mean, vindictive lot. Look what they did to Charlie on Lost just because Charlie took umbrage with them all calling him the ‘elf boy.’

    • Thanks for setting the tone, Scott and my fingers to “numb.” Well, enough bitching. Let’s get replying.

      1. Buddy Ryan was always a “room temp” sorta guy. Sort of like Goldilocks. Nothing too hot or too cold.
      2. Is the loneliest number.
      3. Fucking Maggie. She left me feeling so vulnerable, exposed to retirement and such.
      4. Due to Scott’s heretical religion, the number 4 cannot be typed or uttered on his holy days, which currently are Friday, Saturday and Belialday.
      5. Zach has been watching it too often. He was wrestled to the ground twice last week; once for punching himself in the face and the second time for shooting himself in the face.
      6. Hahahaha!!! Splendid play on Kendall’s name and the followup was just as thrilling.

      1. She deserved every punch. Especially the ones she threw.
      2. I still attend pain management clinics. The toughest class dealt with sexual harrassment suits stemming from improper contact with your pain.
      3. Only one person: Rowdy Roddy Piper. I certainly hope he gets the Lifetime Achievement Academy Award he so richly deserves.
      4. Nice job, unbeliever. Prepare to feel the heathen wrath of a pissed off and somewhat incompetent god. Everyone in a 50-foot radius has now been cursed with boils, including the utterer themselves, hopefully. Grrrrrr!
      5. Because donkeys love that shit. Have you tried it? Spain must be loaded with them. I know Mexico was and it’s about as “Spain” as North America gets.
      6. You’re right about Langston. He keeps pushing these buttons and he will have no idea what hit him when the next update rolls around.

      Thanks for the great comment and a passable numbering system, Scott.

  2. HAHAHA!

    …but seriously folks, I think the real problem here is that Cole just hasn’t been donkey punched my the right person yet.

    It will happen…he/she/it/cena(?)* just needs to be patient.

    (*-I decided to take advantage of the extra slashes you left over at An’s place)

    • Thanks for the riotous laughter, bschooled. Warms me right to my cockles, which I believe are vestigial.

      I am concerned about your wish to be included in Cole’s donkey-punching scenario, especially considering the mangled English involved. If you wish to continue with this sort of relationship, I suggest you hie your ass over to http://www.edonkey.com immediately.

      Thanks for using up the slashes, bschooled. I shan’t be needing them until my bio on the Boston Slasher, whom I will refer to annoyingly throughout the 2,000 word post as the “Boston /er.” I know I’ll certainly feel clever by the end of it.

    • Thanks CLT!

      Er…I mean, not that would ever dream of continuing a relationship like that…(or starting one for that matter)

      I was asking for my sister. My adopted one.

  3. This week on Trotsky and Stalin…

    Leon gets his dithers in an uproar when his Marxist doctrines explode all over his pants leaving a stain that is not only embarrassing – but impossible to clean. (Ah, Marxist doctrine, it’s worse than chocolate.) Later, Trotsky and Stalin share secret kisses under the Odessa Bridge. Love sick Trotsky is sure this is special and is heartbroken when he discovers that not only has Stalin told everyone about it, but he’s also calling him “a slut” and “hot to Trotsky!” Later, Stalin has problems with his belt buckle and in a hissy fit of rage executes and imprisons millions of serfs, vassals, traitors, dipsticks, asswipes, vodka slurpers, mincers, wincers, French kissers, military fops, and some guy who is with the circus. Trotsky dreams he is a talking Bolshevik bear. Stalin, working on his cult of personality and shopping for used blood discovers Trotsky bonking his mistress in a vodka shack – hilarity and a three way ensue. The two men share some disco dancing at “Club Go Go Gogol” Later, Trotsky considers trading in Marxism for hypnotism. He also considers new glasses (possibly ones with arms) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Bundesarchiv_Bild_183-R15068,_Leo_Dawidowitsch_Trotzki.jpg

    • Ah, Marxist doctrine. Is there anything it’s not worse than? I hear you saying “cannibalism” and “e coli” and “Y2K,” but let me ask you a question: have any of these things actually happened to you? But Marxism. All you have to do is wander onto the wrong side of campus tracks or fire up your favorite Housemartins album to be knee deep in Marxist doctrine (as perceived by white hipsters).

      Fascinatingly reprehensible stuff, Alan. Much like the soap operas you continually ignore. Sure, they toss around words like “slut” and “used blood,” but is it really the same thing?

      I’ve thought about this for a sentence or two and I’m going to go ahead and say “yes,” not just for me, but for all the bloggers out there whose posts are bettered (or at least equalled) by the quality of the comments.

      Great headshot of Trotsky. So… did he just glue his glasses on or what?

      Thanks for the comment, Alan. I take back everything I said about your “wasted” talent. Drunk off your ass or not, you write one hell of a Marxist doctrine.

  4. I can’t find the remote…

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