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The Presidents of Harvard University: the First 100 Years

October 14, 2009
The plans for Harvard's main office, altered slightly to remove the original "FUCK HARVARD" facade.

The plans for Harvard's main office, altered slightly to remove the original "FUCK YALE" facade.

Here at Fancy Plans, we pride ourselves in being able to tackle even the dryest subject with aplomb. For your consideration today: the presidents of Harvard University, whose hallowed halls and large endowments have fathered many of our nation’s leaders. Without further fucking around, we present a history of this fine institution, as seen through the eyes of its leaders.

Part One – The First 100 Years

1. Henry Dunster 1640-1654
Henry was voted “Most Likely to Helm an Overbearing School” after his many hours logged as hall monitor and switch cutter. Most likely was born left-handed, but was “cured” of this after long hours of forced repetitions and amputation. Known affectionately as “The Dunster.”

2. Charles Chauncy 1654-1672*
The first of the Chauncy clan to graduate from the sixth grade, Chancy went on the helm Harvard during a turbulent time that saw many upperclassmen die during skirmishes with a nascent Yale. Also coined the term “coxswain” after a drunken interlude with the inhabitants of Harvard Pond. Affectionately known as “Chucky Duck-Fucker.”
*Died in office after accidentally breaking off the inner handle.

3. Leonard Hoar 1672-1675
Born with a speech impediment and an even more unfortunate surname, Hoar overcame these early hurdles to lead Harvard to its first victory over Yale’s polo team. After his success as a coach, Leonard was chosen president during a 19-hour game of Russian Roulette, played dangerously using single-barrel musket loaders. He survived his gaping head wound to serve the school during the turbulent “Violently Erratic Years.” Affectionately known as “Lucky Leo” and “Filthy Hoar.”

4. Urian Oakes 1675-1681*
Urian spent 17 years as the president of Harvard much to the surprise of his eventual successor. As his opponents began a vigorous filibuster, Urian slipped out through the bathroom window and let himself into the president’s office, where he barricaded himself for the next 2 years. During this time, another office was built and filled by a variety of interim presidents and attractive interns. Known affectionately as “Pay No Attention to That Pounding and Cursing. It’s Just These Old and Hallowed Halls Settling. And Cursing.”
*Died in office due to lack of adequate ventilation, which had been re-routed to the new office.

5. John Rogers 1682-1684*
Known to many as “Jolly,” Rogers ushered in a new era of explosive violence and drunkenness with his hostile takeover of the new president’s office. Arriving via horse-drawn ship, the visibly drunken and clinically insane Rogers proceeded to “board” the upper level, cutting a swath through the freshman ranks before hoisting his flag in the office and vomiting into the wastebasket. His raiding party continued to pillage and occasionally rape the underclassmen and furniture for 3 long and uneventful years. He died of scurvy-related complications and was buried at sea (or rather, the Harvard Pond). Known affectionately as “Gummy Jack.”
*Died in office for reasons listed above. May have also suffered from early-onset Restless Leg Syndrome, or “Sea Legs.”

6. Increase Mather** 1685-1701
Fiercely competitive, Increase had his name legally changed twice, from “Decrease” and “No Change,” respectively. He oversaw Harvard’s expansion from a loose confederation of rich, spoiled jerks into a highly organized pack of rich, spoiled jerks. Credited with the formation of the Skull and Bones, Mather prized secrecy and loyalty over such other virtues as honor and respect for human life. His legacy lives on today in the form of the Skull and Bones, which no one will officially admit exists. Except for that one guy, who we never saw much of after that. Just the occasional bloated corpse in Harvard Pond, which could be anybody really. Even Gummy Jack. Affectionately known as “Cotton.”
**Killed two vice presidents while in office due to their violation of Rule #2 of Skull and Bones: You DO NOT TALK about Skull and Bones.

7. John Leverett 1708-1724*
Although Leverett held the university’s highest office for nearly 17 years, nothing has much been said about his contributions. Most of his contemporaries noted that he was “quiet” and “kept to himself,” and really did nothing out of the ordinary other than haul multiple bags and rolled-up carpets and hurl them into the deep end of Harvard Pond. Further investigation into this matter has resulted in the same answer: “Have you tried the quad? The person you are looking for hasn’t been seen in a fortnight but if you’d like you can try this Oriental rug on for size.” Known affectionately as “Crazy John, the Guy Nobody Suspected.”
*Possibly “gay.”

8. Benjamin Wadsworth 1725-1737*
Benjamin Wadsworth rose from his disadvantageous and “merely rich” upbringing to become the foremost robber baron of his time. Uneducated, even by Brown standards, Wadsworth used his wealth and considerable influence to secure the premier position at Harvard. Once in place, he began his tireless work to “tear the place down from the inside.” Unfortunately, he and his underlings were unused to physical labor or efficient anarchy and left 13 years later only having managed to take a few pictures off the wall and scribble a few mustaches on the remain portraits (which usually had mustaches already). Known affectionately as “Dubya.”
*Died while in office due to an overdose of leeches.

Stay tuned for parts 2 and possibly 3 in the near future. And kids, stay in school.

-CLT

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11 comments

  1. I was so inspired by this that I did a little digging about the history of my old alma mater The University of Nourishing Mother (this place takes the whole alma matter deal waay to literally, but they sell cheap beer, so it evens out) So, with your permission sir, “I am a owly worm not worthy of sucking on the marrow of a dead coyote’s dong.”

    Okay, my old school pledge out of the way, here are the first 50 years of leaders at good ol’ UN of Mommy…

    Part Scallywagianism – The First 15 Minutes

    1. Sir Hap McKellooowafookyerfookinguncle 1765 (8.56am) -1765 (9.11am)

    Landed Scottish gentry, Hap arrives in Canada, kills an educated man, drinks his blood, erects a shack and calls it The University of Bitch Mother (named after his mother). 15 minutes later he dies of dysentery, “poison blood chugging syndrome” small pox, the jim jams, the had dabs, dumdum fever, six arrow wounds to the genitals and 36 different types of venereal diseases.

    Part Where The Fuck Is This Going?

    2. Dante “Beano” Adams 1765 – 1778

    Great, great, great, great, great, (add a few more greats, my fingers are getting tired) grandfather of “musician horriblis” Bryan Fucking Adams. Made several changes to the University. First, he had a real one built. Second, he renamed it “The University of Nourishing Mother” (his first choice had been “The University of 65” eeew!). Next, he was found guilty of murdering several well educated young men and dismembering them and eating their hearts. “Beano” chalks this up to the University’s hazing rituals. Clever. But it doesn’t keep him out of jail.

    Part Wibbly’s Reign of Terror
    3.Wibbly “Tiberius, Claudius, Caligula” Spermwhale III 1778-1805

    Dark days for the University. Wibbly is a gadfly, a rake, a bounder, a blighter, a cad, a card shark, a thief, a bully, a thespian, a murderer, an idler, a oarsman, a pirate, a decent chef, a plunderer, a podiatrist, a bastard, a wastrel, a drug fiend, a barbarian, a zany, a sodomite, a mongrel, a catamite, a corrupter of youth, a fan of bestiality, a pornographer, a cigar smoker, an orgy thrower, anal about his oral development, filthy, frumpy, greedy, a sneering asshole, a complete douche bag, a lover of opiates, a foot tickler, an ass kisser, a whip snapper, a bubble blower, a tongue lasher, a haberdasher, and a cod fucker. Highlights of his reign of terror include: Making a horse headmaster; introducing new and barbaric corporal punishment such as “The Groin Mauler” and setting the University ablaze and burning it into the dirt. He is assassinated by his conscious but survives. In a pique of revenge he blows his conscious’ brains out and dies. It is a ruled a suicide. Much public dancing and groping follows – like it always does at universities.

    Part Rebuild

    4. Clarence “Beau” McTweenagin 1805 – 1818

    Clarence is a contrary president: intelligent, devout, impulsive, given to rages and prone to episodic outbreaks of mental illness. His first notable outburst results in the death of the entire student body. Still, he does rebuild the University, and without any kids in it, it’s a rather nice place. One night in the spring of 1818 he goes out for a walk with a shotgun, noose, vial of poison, melonballer, fish gutter, hack saw, and small time bomb. Mysteriously he never returns. Even more mysteriously not far from the university is the discovery of a corpse that has been shot, hung, poisoned, gutted, hacked, and blown up.

    5. Ben “Stinky” Trahoolawagon 1818 – 1865

    Lepidopterist and so, yes, weirdo. Heroes include: Count Vlad, Satan, Elizabeth Bathory and his next door neighbour George. Ben introduces the sport of drinking to the University. Many lives are ruined, but some fun is had along the way. Not much of it remembered. Other innovations of “Ol’ Stinky’s” include – Turning a blind eye to rampant sodomy, creating a rowing team (filled with mostly sodomites), robbing local graves in order to further science, allowing the occasional “capital punishment” to take place on campus and nature walks. Dies while boring a group to students to death about the flight patterns of the Monarch Butterfly.


    • Oh, Alan. Why must you continue to waste your talent?

      I have a blog that needs posts and here you are with a comment larger than my post.

      But what a comment! Poignantly hilarious! Good old UNM (not to be confused with the University of New Mexico, which is a rather dull and competent school). My personal favorite would be Wibbly, whose CV/rap sheet makes him someone you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley… unless he was hiring.

      And where would we be without a melon baller reference? I don’t know, but it wouldn’t be the internet I know and love, filled with in-jokes, out-ed celebrities, running gags and incredible wastes of talent.

      You are to be commended for this lengthy and inspired comment. Commended and berated.

      Thanks for the comedy, Alan. Always great to see you.


  2. I only have a few short comments/questions for this masterpiece of scholastic history….

    #2 You made no mention of Chauny’s three manslaughter charges. He was always such a proponent of ‘full immersion baptism,’ that he’d continue to hold his disciples down under water long after they had expired. Maybe he was distracted by the downy fur on a duck’s ass (who’s not) but surely he could have been more careful. *Church

    #5 Rogers was also a minister (although not-ordained) and I personally believe was killed by his insanely jealous, drunken brother.*Church

    #8 Wadsworth was ALSO a clergyman and even converted Ralph Waldo Emerson to Christianity from his heathen naturalistic ways. *Church

    What I am wondering sir…. Are you attempting to cover up the sins of the church in a Browninian conspiracy? Or are you just piquing our interests before you expose these monsters? Either way, I’m pretty cool with it!


    • You have raised an interesting point, Scott. One which I was not previously aware of. It definitely could be some sort of Brownian conspiracy, what with the Skull and Bones and the obscene things rich people do to entertain themselves.

      This will probably affect/infect parts 2 and 3 as I am always on the lookout for bits I can steal (read: inspiration).

      Thanks for the pointers, Scott. Great comment and great to see you.


  3. I don’t know how you do it, CLT, but your ability to tackle these dry subjects with aplomb is beyond anything I’ve ever encountered before.

    Along with Alan, I too was inspired to look up the Leaders from my alma mater, aka. “The ARROJO Cosmetology Ivy-League Beauty School”. I realize this information will serve little more purpose than to dumb-down your post considerably, however I thought I would share anyway. It’s what I do.

    1. Agnes Barker 1975-1985

    Agnes became fascinated with cosmetology after finding out that “with just a bit of mascara and eyebrow shaping, a girl can really make her eyes pop”. Sadly, she was forced to retire in 1985, after her eyes popped right out of their sockets, rendering her blind and incapable of giving the ladies from the Legion that fashionable “roller-set” they all raved over. Last I heard she was collecting unemployment and writing a book on her life (in Braille, of course).

    2. Adele Hoar (great-great-great-great-great grandaughter of the infamous Leonard) 1985-2000

    Born with a hereditary speech-impediment, Hoar overcame this hurdle to lead ARROJO to its first victory over Paul Mitchell’s Precision-Cutting team. She was also famous for her ability to “airbrush a kick-ass set of painted nails”. Not so affectionately referred to as “Great-great-great-great-great grand-daughter of a Filthy Hoar.”

    3. “Backseat Betty” Jones (nee. A last name that was much harder to spell) 2000-2005

    Voted “Most Likely to Contract an Infectious STD”, Ms. Jones graduated from the prestigious school, after her original dream of “sleeping her way to the top” ended due to unforeseen circumstances (see: election results). Specializing in “hooker make-up” and “the claw bang”, she left in 2005 to pursue other interests (aka. An 87-year old oil tycoon who “just liked to cuddle”).

    4. “Dylan”* 2005-2007

    Dropping his last name and adding quotation marks to his first, Dylan was a Drag Queen-turned make-up specialist, who used his background in “Working It” to take him to the top of his game. He left the position abruptly, after finally earning enough money to buy a ticket to Thailand and “finish off what he started”.*Known to his online friends as “Cher_6845”

    *Between the period of 2007-2008, the school was “Leaderless”, leaving the students to FFT (fend for themselves). This caused a significant decrease in clientele, since the ladies at the Seniors Lodge refused to let “those emotional third-sex kids with their long bangs and black clothing”touch their tightly-wound tresses without constant supervision.

    5. Emily Sorrow Bleedingwrists 2008-present

    Although not technically a graduate, Emily “third-sex kid with long bangs and black clothing” Bleedingwrists is the current Leader of ARROJO, mainly because of the school’s desire to “hippen-up”. Unfortunately, due to the fact that her life currently sucks and nobody understands, it’s only a matter of time before she’s terminated and replaced by “the next big trend”.


    • Ah, bschooled. Helluva comment as they say in Harvard. One note: “aplomb” is just a typographical term meaning “using boldface and asterisks.”

      This school you speak of sounds horribly delightful. Pop-eyes, airbrushes, STDs, third-sex kids. This beats the hell out of Southern Missouri State Ecumenical School by a long shot.

      I attended one full semester and didn’t attend a single class thanks to my full-time job binge drinking. There was also the weed dealing. All in all, I’d have to say I liked it, mainly because the student body was willing to overpay for Florida panhandle ditchweed.

      Nice to see Adele Hoar honored for her contribution to the field of precision cutting, a field that is too often ignored by both the International Olympic Committee and the International Chick Games. (Both found in favor of “Foxy Boxing.”)

      Wonderful and horrific comment, bschooled. Truly a “cut above” the rest. (Hahaha… you can use that if you’re really desperate.)


  4. I thought Skull and Bones was a Yale thing? Amazing scholarship though, I think you should submit it to the Journal of Cool History.


    • Was it? Could have been. My research consisted of finding a list of Harvard presidents and copying it into Wordpad before adding the fun stuff.

      I will get right on that fact-checking bearing in mind that Harvard may have had to give up the Skull and Bones to settle a class-action lawsuit with Yale. Why not.

      I will submit this immediately if only I had any idea where that might be located.

      Really, truly great to see you, FJ. I had begun to fear the worst (eaten by dingo babies).


  5. It’s like I’ve missed everything…


    • Not to worry, RR. I promised further volumes of this nail-biting suspense piece. I may actually deliver them, too.


  6. Will it make me smarter?



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