A Letter to Voters

October 12, 2009
"As your candidate, I promise to be not only different, but better, than all of you..."

"As your candidate, I promise to be not only different, but better, than all of you..."

Dear Registered Voter:

With the election season upon us yet again, like an overaggressive and needy lover, I just wanted to take a few minutes of your time to ask for your support. This is my first race for the recently and tragically vacated city council seat, and as a long-time privileged outsider, I feel I have the qualifications need to fill this position.

I think I would prove to be a valuable addition to our city’s legislative team. Here are some of my past achievements which I believe will give me a “leg up” on my opponent, Tim Wilkins.

  • All-district debate team alternate (Junior and Senior years).
  • Co-promoter for 1998’s Mixed Doubles Ultimate Fighting Championship, whose proceeds went directly to local domestic violence shelters
  • Sign waver #31 at last year’s Democratic National Convention
  • Purchaser of over $1200 in bake sale goods (1987-present)
  • Have watched Wag the Dog over a dozen times
  • Once, while kind of tuned up and listening to Toby Keith on the jukebox, kicked a guy’s ass for questioning our country’s foreign policy decisions
  • Voted twice in our most recent national election, thanks to a loophole in our town charter (a loophole I intend to close after this coming election)
  • Extra-large trust fund makes me less susceptible to bribes or misuse of public funds, at least theoretically.
  • That guy whose ass I kicked? My opponent, Tim Wilkins. A letter has been sent to his campaign headquarters requesting he change his slogan to: “Tim Wilkins: Talks Like a Commie; Hits Like a Girl”

While this powerful body of work should assure you that I am the man for the job, I would also like to take this opportunity to run down my stance on several important issues facing our 2,800 registered voters.

Proposed 4-way Stop at the Intersection of Willow and Pine
Despite the fact that I drive past this intersection daily on my way to the adult bookstore and have no desire to stop, much less slow down at this point, I think we cannot ignore the fact that there have been two (2) accidents in the last 31 years. Perhaps the last one was the most tragic, as a busful of children collided with another busful of smaller children. Fortunately there were no injuries (or witnesses), but it could have gone another way.

My vote: Yes on Prop. 127

Property Tax Hike Adjustment
As much as we would all like to see your taxes stay unchanged, pressing issues at the local school make a case for additional funding. Chief among these would be additional funds for the Music Department, which would free them from having to make the tough choice between new instruments or new uniforms.

Voting Yes on Prop. 131 would free district parents from either watching a band wearing nothing but their shiny new instruments or “listening” to a field full of smartly-dressed mimes.

My Vote: Yes on Prop. 131

Anti-Sag Legislation
Another “hot button” topic is the Baggy Pants Ban, which was put to a popular vote earlier this year. Although this bill passed with a healthy 69% of the vote, various interfering entities have stalled enforcement of said bill with claims that the bill itself is “unconstitutional.”

Unfortunately for those challenging the ordinance, the town charter contains many clauses and loopholes that allow the governing body to circumvent the U.S. Constitution altogether. For example, Article 12(a).2 states:

The Town’s governing body is encouraged to act as a ‘law unto itself’ and is not subject to overreaching legislation at the State or National level.

It also states that each elected official will be allowed to hold that office “for life,” subject only to “promotion/demotion, voter recall or vigilante justice.”

My Vote: Unchanged on Prop. 151 (a.k.a. the Baggy Pants Ban)

Thank you for your time and I hope that I can look forward to your vote in November.



  1. Hmm…I like what you have to say but Tim Wilkins is offering much more. He is going to raise taxes so he can “redistribute” the wealth. According to Tim, I can expect about 10k a year from this source alone.

    Plus, he has pledged to bring way better looking hookers to our fair town. As you know, relying on Selma “oops, my vagina fell out” Baker to satisfy the sexual hunger of our menfolk is not working.

    And this is just the low hanging fruit. What are you going to bring to the table?

    • TL, I belive I already made it clear that I had kicked Tim Whatshisface in the “low hanging fruit.”

      While I can appreciate your enthusiasm for his misunderstanding of supply-side economics and taxation, I really think you need to reconsider your vote.

      He may be able to get better hookers, but he’s using our schoolbuses and somebody has to pay for that.

      That person will probably be you.

      Great to see you, TL. Thanks for the visit.

  2. Your letter has inspired me to be a better voter. As a registered ‘flip-flopper, band-wagon jumper,’ I’d throw my entire weight behind you. One accident involving small children and smaller children is one too many in my opinion. And as a country I know that we must unite to put a stop to these god damn underwear showing baggy pants. Wait, what was your position on baggy pants??

    • Scott –

      I think the community needs more concerned citizens like you, willing to jump on the latest bandwagon without a second thought. One tragedy is definitely one too many, especially during an election season. Two would be better, if properly exploitable.

      Let me be clear on this: my position on baggy pants remains unchanged.

      Thanks for the vote, Scott. Try to talk/beat some sense into TL if you see him.

  3. It’s times like these when I wish I wasn’t so…well, Canadian.

    Just so you know, I only pull out the Canadian/blissfully ignorant card when it comes to US politics, health-care issues and all things Paris Hilton.

    When the conversation steers towards topics such as Canadian politics, Nickelback or Ben Mulroney, I pull out my “Anything but Canadian” card.

    Thankfully I only have two cards, it gets a little confusing at times.

    Regardless, you have my vote, CLT. Your net-worth in baked goods alone shows that you have what it takes to do whatever it is you would be doing if you were to be elected.

    • US politics are like politics anywhere, bschooled: fundamentally broken and hopelessly corrupt.

      I do like your small deck of cards, though. It seems to work like a coin when it comes to making tough decisions. However, those pre-teens down at the hobby shop are going to have their way with you (Magically speaking) until you can add a couple of booster sets.

      Thank you for your vote. I prefer things without coconut or sugar substitutes.

      Great to see you, bschooled. I’m sure our loose and easily-exploitable town charter will allow me to accept votes from a non-citizen.

  4. I’ll stand behind you….
    and watch while you kick Tim Wilkins’ ass again. Did you hear what he said? I didn’t get all of it, but I overheard something he was saying to TannerLeah about bringing your mom to town?

    • Claire-

      The next Wilkin’s kicking is scheduled for 5pm, shortly after polls open. I’m hoping to demonstrate my electable manliness by whipping his ass with an 85-year old volunteer.

      This should also pull in the elderly votes, who love to see one of their own kind out doing something positive and/or incredibly violent.

      TL has several ideas about my mom, most of which are probably not correct. I can’t be too sure as recent conversations are cut short by a muffled voice that sounds like someone saying, “party in my pants” into a rocks glass.

      Great to see you, Claire. I assume I can count on your vote and appearance as a character witness in the future.

  5. Sorry, CLT, but what I look for in a candidate is a man who is willing to step up and vote “no” to everything – regardless of the issue.

    A man prepared to just vote “no” on principle. To make sure that nothing ever gets passed, nothing ever changes, no debate ensues and the status quo is maintained for now and forever.

    Give it some thought, lad, and I may be able to swing the senior vote your way.

    • I have tried to say “no” on all issues. But when you look into the eyes of those young schoolchildren whose buses have just collided and see the questions in their eyes (mainly “Why does a bookstore have solid black plastic bags?” and “What is that poking out of the top?”), you realize that it will be several years until they will be able to vote.

      I’m your man, Don. You can count on my “no” votes in the future or at least until the end of this sentence.

  6. “Tim Wilkins: Talks Like a Commie; Hits Like a Girl” please let me know where I can get this shirt! Funny, funny, funny!

    • It’s available at the same place they sell the bumper sticker that reads: “Don’t blame me. I voted for Red Guy.”

  7. Many people over look the strength of the blue person vote, but can you really imagine a red person winning?

    • Not only can I not imagine it, but for some reason, I can’t stop thinking about it. Oh, the upheaval!

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