This Week’s Featured Soap Operas

October 9, 2009
Young at heart; Restless in legs

Young at heart; Restless in legs

This week on The Young & The Restless
Jack shoots first, leaves a detailed questionnaire with the cooling corpse. Sharon breaks hearts as a fictional character triumphing over scripted adversity. Gloria bets $200 on Black. Unbeknownst to Victor, his refrigerator warranty has expired. Paul hits Level 60 with his W.O.W. Rogue. Katherine develops ovarian cancer. And scurvy. Devon fires up some dramatic music, paces thoughtfully. A mysterious fire destroys Nicholas’ collection of common mid-’90s baseball cards. In a short-sighted and self-destructive act, Nikki begins killing off the other characters.

Gen. Hospital's illustrious military career was summed up by this screenshot, pathetic caption

Gen. Hospital's illustrious military career was summed up by this screenshot, pathetic caption

This week on General Hospital
Max’s bloodless coup fails miserably, mostly on the “bloodless” part. Alice watches old family movies, cries silently. Sonny blames his latest fight on his alcoholism, which he blames on his dyslexia. Surrounded by freshly buried corpses, Carly declares her battle with sanity a “tie.” Patrick’s abrasive behavior results in shunning, beating. Luke attempts to “monetize” his masturbation habit, with disastrous results. Samantha touches herself inappropriately; sues Judy Blume. Monica spends a quiet evening at home with a bottle of gin, a jar of peanut butter and the family dog. Jeff decides to fight “the war at home,” much to the dismay and terror of his neighbors. For reasons known only to him, Alfred begins sporting an eyepatch and goatee.


  1. 1) Victor is going to “Flip a Newman” when he finally “beknownsts” that his warranty is up. He’s not the most easy-going daytime actor, that’s for sure.

    Ask Jack if you don’t believe me.

    2) Do you know if Katherine has tried upping her vitamin C intake? Worked wonders for me!

    3) Ha! That Nikki kills me…(and apparently others as well)

    4) I’m sick of Sonny’s excuses…next thing you know, he’ll be blaming his Dyslexia on “a learning disability”.

    5) I hope that when Samantha confronts Judy Blume in court, she also brings up the belted sanitary pad issue…I mean, seriously…who uses those anymore?

    A masterpiece as per usual, CLT. I covet your soap opera updates “like nobody’s business…”

    • Bschooled,

      It seems like we just spoke elsewhere…

      Anyway, thanks for the great comment and for pre-numbering them for quicker response time. It’s those little touches that set you apart from the Cena’s of the world.

      1.) The news will be broken gently. By telegram.

      2.) She has tried but she claims the “cancer still hurts.” She has been advised to continue to lug a crate of limes with her whereever she goes.

      3.) Nikki has never been invited to another ground-breaking ceremony. Not after the novelty oversized scissors were used to “battle” her “sanity,” and the local bigwigs were none too thrilled to have to dig a fresh grave. Not in those expensive suits that they would soon be dying in.

      4) He does nothing but buck the pass and squint at the chalkboard. I once saw him eat an eraser. Truly disturbing for a man of his age. I told him he should try drinking more and thinking less.

      5.) I believe those were part of a massive recall and Blume was lauded as a “do-gooding whistle-blower” for bringing them to national attention in her expose of the sanitary pad industry, Are you there, God? I Need to Get in There. Are You Going to Be in There Long? She disappeared shortly thereafter under mysterious circumstances not at all related to Nikki’s love of shallow graves and the people inside them.

      Thanks for the kind words. I shall do my best to keep us all current on these amazing daytime dramas.

    • I see that I have mistaken Carly for Nikki, possibly due to their homicidal tendencies and interchangeablity.

      For the remainder of the comment thread I will continue to use their names interchangeably, rather than attempt to clarify anything.

      If nothing else, it guarantees at least one more issue of Featured Soap Operas if for nothing else than retractions.

  2. My wars with sanity always end in ties as well.

    • Claire!

      How nice to see you! And you’ve brought a friend!

      Careful with sanity: it can’t be trusted and its trigger finger is awfully itchy. It’s kind of a rash due to an allergy to nickel plating, but there is no way you’re talking sanity out of its gun.

      It always yells something like, “You can have this gun when you pry it from your own cold, dead fingers.”

      Great to see you, Claire. Claire?

  3. My wars with sanity always end in ties as well.

    • Claire… um… great to see you!

      I feel like we just spoke recently, but I’m sure its just the aneurysm talking. It talks loud and fast and often in a “foreign” language that I’m sure it’s making up as it goes along.

      Well, as long as we’re all here repeatedly, let’s grab some weapons and shovels and make a night of it.

      I’ll see you again… real soon…

      Great to see you (again), Claire. Try to stay out of trouble with all your weapons, guns and sudden reappearances.

    • Wow, I outdid myself. I think I’m losing my war with sanity twice as fast.

  4. I’ll follow Bchooled stellar lead and number my eclectic comments in orderly, non-discordant schizophrenic fashion….

    The Young and the Restless
    1- Jack is on to something big with this idea. The new generation of killers has to be proficient in customer satisfaction.
    2- Gloria is absolutely right to bet on black. Wesley Snipes taught us this way back in 1992, and it’s a lesson we mustn’t forget.
    3- Knowing Victor he probably has Jack’s corpse in that fridge by now. It would be double trouble if it fritzed out now.
    4- Katherine should have ate more fruit. And had better eggs.
    5- Devon and I share a common love of Bach and pacing. And drinking, womanizing, gambling, smoking, and practicing Reiki.
    6- Something tells me that Nikki is have a bad mushroom trip, and when she comes to, everything will be back to the level of normalcy she usually experiences on The Young and the Restless.

    General Hospital

    1- You can not execute a bloodless coup. Has Max learned nothing from Augusto Pinochet, Che Guevara, or even Jeff from Big Brother this season?
    2- Personally I blame my alcoholism on my alcohol intake, but I think Sonny would be well within his rights to blame Cher.
    3- Luke needs to learn the secret of eating plenty of Pixie Stix. It makes for much more marketable spunk.
    4- I’ve spent many evenings at home with gin, peanut butter and the dog, but they were never, ever, even remotely quiet. They always ended in tears.
    5- I completely agree with Jeff; everyone should fight “the war at home.” It was one of the worst sitcoms I’ve seen.
    6- Alfred’s just imitating his hero Steve Johnson after finding that Steve pulled more chicks once Bo Brady put out his eye in a knife fight.

    – Is there anything you can’t find out with the Google-Wiki compo!! Great job as always CLT!!

    Oh, Claire told me to tell you something about her wars with sanity always ending in ties? What’s all that about?

    • Scott –

      Thank you for following bschooled’s lead. It makes thing easier for me and I do like to have the first commenter to set the tone (and yell “first!!1!).

      1. Jack is a true pioneer in customer service, what with his quick trigger and detailed comment cards. 1. How would you rate your satisfaction with this killing (1-low 5-completely satisfied)?
      2. Wesley Snipes taught us all a lot of things, mainly that we would be referring to his acting in the past tense more often than not.
      3. The neighbors are always the first to know when a refrigerated corpse goes bad. They are often able to tell within 6-8 weeks, well ahead of law enforcement.
      4. Katherine is a whole mess of problems, all capped with a bleeding, gap-toothed mouth.
      5. Devon speaks highly of you, in a dramatic fashion that often includes him pausing for gravitas and other such bullshit. He uses this too much, in my opinion: “…”
      6. You must have next week’s post, no doubt brought to you by my idiotic, time-travelling courier.

      1. Max hasn’t learned a damn thing. Nothing like being obtuse AND waist-deep in the blood of the innocent.
      2. Hahaha! (Nothing to add here.)
      3. Thanks for the info, Scott. I’m sure the nerds down at the Fertility Clinic will have all kinds of fun trying to determine which lucky woman should be awarded the diabetic sperm.
      4. Perhaps you need a less sensitive dog. Plus the neighbors are tired of waking up to the sights and sounds of a grown man wearing nothing but peanut butter, chasing a dog and shouting, “Get your ass back here, Morrissey!”
      5. Take that, shitty sitcoms everywhere. Jeff (and Scott) have you in their sights. (Note to neighbors: the bullet holes in your windows and televisions happened roughly in that order. Please refrain from watching shitty sitcoms with your backs to the windows.)
      6. Alfred is a man’s man’s man. He has a way with an affectation. Also with non-gay swordfighting and cock-blocking.

      Thanks for the stupendous comment, Scott. I’m sure Claire will be in soon enough to speak highly of her sanity.

  5. This week on Marx and Engels…

    Karl’s evil twin brother, Carl, solves his ass struggles by wiping with Karl’s opening pages of The Communist Manifesto. Meanwhile, Karl secretly lusts after Frederick’s beard and worries that his beard is getting more laughable than the proletariat. Karl and Freddy take in the opera and experiment on each other with homosexual heavy petting and socio-economic changes through organized revolutionary action. Later they share a potato, glass of wine, and a bathtub. Frederick’s sinister sister, Livia, continues to poison the peasants and use them as golf clubs. Karl is uncomfortable with the size of his thighs while on a fox hunt. Frederick’s attempts to seduce a lab rat come undone as Karl’s evil twin brother, Carl, plots to grow the best beard in the world. The wacky pair later learn more than they care to about each other’s food chewing habits while traveling to Prague and sharing a rancid bowl of Serbian bean soup. Engles gets lost in his beard and winds up in a parallel universe.

    • Hahaha!! Brilliant! And slightly off-topic!

      Welcome, Alantru.

      Splendid work on the term paper. I had hoped to see some more references to bestiality and prole-bashing, but all in all it makes me yearn for the splendid collection of programming (programmeing?) that is Canadian public television.

      American TV producers could learn a thing or three from this talented young dog/man combo. They could also learn a thing or two from single-celled organisms and random stool samples.

      Thanks for the astounding comment, Alan. Always great to see you, so to speak.

  6. Soap Operas make me limp, until I turn the sound down and throw my keys to Vince Neil.

    • Limp like you can’t walk or limp like you can’t….

    • Vince Neil and soap operas: the glue that holds life together. I’m not sure how to work “limp” into that truism, so I’m not even going to try.

      However, I see Claire had something to say. Perhaps she was taunting you with some sort of inside joke…

  7. “If it makes it inside, it’s not limp”

    G.S. Patton

  8. Limp.. inside joke.

    I’m going to go away laughing now. You boys and your silly puns!

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