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New From the Fancy Plans Press

October 6, 2009

 

IKEA's online shopping assistant said, "Just toss them on the floor."

IKEA's online shopping assistant said, "Just toss them on the floor."

Living on Pennies per Year: The Homeopathic Guide to Budgeting

Borrow This Book! The Fairly Essential Handbook for Mild Mannered Revolutionaries and Conscience-Ridden Kleptomaniacs

Strunk & White’s The Elements of Texting

So You Want to Be a Journalist: Making the Most of Your Last-Minute Major in the New Millennium

Covers such essential ground as: suing Google, suing blog hosting, suing bloggers, erecting paywalls, insulting your readers’ intelligence, cranky bitching, etc.
(Future installments may include: investigative techniques, finding reliable sources, working with your reader base, actual journalism, etc.)

Sharing is Stealing: Child-Rearing Advice from Parents in the Music Industry

  • Why every child needs their own set of toys
  • Nothing says “Happy Birthday” like writing our a check to cover performance royalties
  • Keep that radio turned down, dammit! (That check for performance royalties is coming out of your allowance, mister.)
  • Illegal downloading is “wack,” or so says relevant actress Alicia Silverstone
  • How would you like it is some came and took all of your toys and did whatever they wanted with them? I mean, you would still have your toys, but like they took an exact copy of your toys. For free. And then they enjoyed your toys themselves or shared them with their friends and didn’t even pay you for, well, not exactly taking your toys, I guess… Let me start over. You have toys that you paid for. Someone else wants to use your toys. Again, not your actual toys, but an exact copy of them and they wouldn’t have to pay for them… I mean, you paid for your toys so it’s not fair that they don’t pay for their set. People should pay for stuff because stuff costs money. Even though you don’t play with all your toys… because like every set of 14 or 15 toys only has about 1 or 2 toys that you even play with more than once… Sharing is stealing! I don’t need to explain this!

Growing Up in the Shadows: Solange Knowles in Her Own Tweets

  • someone just keeps pollinating my days…:)))))))))) and clever notes to sprinkle a little more beautimous and awesomery energy my way:)
  • Star and triangle shaped iced cubes! Why do I get a big kick out of things like this???
  • Can’t believe movie was sold out!!! Uber sad faces.
  • @xdaniel lol. I speak greatly about my hood. I love Houston lookn ass girl.

One World, One Village: The Young Person’s Guide to Co-Opting Other Cultures

  • Bob Marley’s Greatest Hits and you’re in, mon. Especially if you’re holding.
  • The keffiyeh and other essential gear for the pretentious twat
  • White boys & rap; or Eminem: groundbreaking fluke?

The Naive Tourists Guide to Staying the Fuck Out of Trouble: East Coast Edition

  • New Jersey – officially off-limits
  • Emergency plans including “Roll up the windows!” “Lock the doors!” and “Floor it!” (includes helpful tips gleaned from Bonfire of the Vanities)
  • Winning 3-card monte strategies
  • How to buy drugs without looking like a narc (for instance: “Can I possibly trouble you fellows for some narcotics?” is completely wrong and possibly deadly)

Coming soon: West Coast Edition

  • Enjoying a “Fuck wit Dre Day” on less than $40 a day
  • When a stop sign is not a stop sign: the rolling stop in 3 easy steps
  • How’s my driving? Follow up question: How’s my shooting?
  • 90mph merging strategies
  • Overpriced bullshit: the Haight-Ashbury legacy
  • Fastest driving routes to get “straight outta Compton”

Deep South Edition

  • The legal ramifications of not being “from around here”
  • Making small town corruption work for you
  • Black? Consider visiting the East Coast or West Coast instead
  • Atlanta: glittering metropolis or duded-up backwater town?
  • The sights, sounds and smells of the “Redneck Riviera”: Your guide to the Florida panhandle

Our Organ Banks, Ourselves: The Reality of Being More Useful Dead Than Alive

The Goofus & Gallant Guide to Formal Occasions

  • Gallant prepares his remarks carefully using 3×5 cards; Goofus rambles on at length about his fascination with quote: “the surviving members of Wham!”
  • Gallant waits quietly to be introduced; Goofus kills another guest for “eyeballing” his date

Half-Full Proverbs for a Half-Empty Life (Illustrations by Half-Ass “Painter of Lite” Thomas Kincaid)

Your Inner Slut: Freeing Yourself from Moral Oppression (foreword by Tara Reid)

-CLT

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13 comments

  1. Can I borrow your toys?


    • Well, I would say yes, but my lawyers (and their lawyers) have recommended I say “no,” based on my past history with toy sharing.

      On the other hand, my toys are usually available to play with during Sunday’s Heavy Rotation.

      Great to see you, CC.


  2. “Come on
    that was the bomb
    you know I ain’t a pawn
    I’m sippin on some Don
    And sittin on my lawn..” –That was just me singlehandedly proving that Eminem wasn’t a fluke. Have you heard Forever yet? He’s a bad man. But the rest of the song kinda sucks.

    I’m very interested in ‘Borrow This Book’ because I often steal (habits to support you know), but almost always feel a pang or two of guilt. Especially when I accidentally dragged(?) or is it drug(?) that poor blind woman for three blocks after her purse strap got caught in my car door.

    I think that I’m probably good with the journalism book. I’m great at alienating my readers. And you know how insulting intelligence is one of my shticks. Also I once sued a blogger, but all I got was a retraction and a 15 pack of Luvs. God damn mommy bloggers.

    The ‘Sharing is Stealing’ thing just confused the hell out of me. It’s like an ancient philosophical question that I don’t have the wherewithal to even comprehend.

    I don’t know who Solange Knowles is, but I think I’m in love. She confuses me a bit as well, but as long as she doesn’t have ‘junk,’ I’ll tweat dat ass! –See I can be ghetto.

    I’d have to suggest adding a couple to ‘Staying the Fuck Out of Trouble: East’…..
    -If a dealer says, “show me your dick,” don’t do it. They just laugh at you.
    -Be careful what neighborhood you decide to debut your brand new fire-red track suit in.
    -Never walk around south Boston with a Yankee’s cap.

    And one to add for ‘West’
    -Never, ever, ever, wear any other team’s jersey to a Raiders game. Ever.

    One question: does ‘Your Inner Slut’ have photos, or depictions?

    Great job CLT!!!


    • Scotty-

      Great to see you. I am way behind in commenting and I notice you have a couple of new posts up. My humblest apologies and I hope to rectify that forthwith (said my British inner child).

      Eminem may not have been a fluke, but he hardly tore the hip-hoposphere a new White-hole. Barring Paul Wall (and we certainly will), I can’t think of another successful white rapper that has carried the torch.

      I appreciate your willingness to borrow these books indefinitely. Just don’t let the music industry types (RIAA, ASCAP) catch you (or me) sharing. They hate that shit.

      Solange is Beyonce’s little sister. And everything under that title, she wrote with her own two fingers, leaving the other eight to strike out for a new owner with more brain cells.

      Great comment, Scott. Thanks for the visit.


  3. CLT,

    Believe it or not(the “or not” part isn’t really an option), I’ve actually checked out a few of these books on Amazon and they’ve recieved some pretty good(ish) reviews…

    Strunk & White’s The Elements of Texting:

    “…aging zombie of a book … a hodgepodge, its now-antiquated pet peeves jostling for space with 2007s taboos and 2008s computer advice.”
    -Boston Globe, Cut & Paste (and updated) from previous book review

    Sharing is Stealing: Child-Rearing Advice from Parents in the Music Industry:

    “If kids don’t stop sharing their toys, my Brothers and I won’t send them any more positive messages of strength, courage and individuality.” -The Jonas Brothers

    Growing Up in the Shadows: Solange Knowles in Her Own Tweets:

    “@Y’all Trust me, you’ll get a big kick out of the stuff Solgagne (is that how you spell it?) gets a big kick out of, or my name isn’t Speidi!”
    -Heidi Montag, Another Irrelevant Twitterer and Wife of “Spencer”

    Our Organ Banks, Ourselves: The Reality of Being More Useful Dead Than Alive:

    “I could really relate to this book. Well not the organ banks part, but definitely the usefulness part.
    -Randy Quaid

    Your Inner Slut: Freeing Yourself from Moral Oppression (foreword by Tara Reid):

    “This book changed my life…”
    -Hannah Montana


    • Bschooled –

      Thanks to the blogs I read, I rarely believe anything anymore.

      I do appreciate your research. I never read my own reviews as I am usually too busy writing them. And updating my vanity page on Wikipedia.

      Fucking Heidi Montag. What an illiterate card! Is there anything she won’t say (badly)?

      Fucking Randy Quaid. I can only imagine how horrible that would be.

      Fucking Hannah Montana. I can only imagine how illegal that would be.

      Thanks for the great fucking comment, bschooled. Always a pleasure having you here, classing up the joint and encouraging my obscenity usage.


  4. Well, I’ll be dashing off to the library to check these out (old school downloading).

    I hope you don’t mind, but I took a peek at what you’ve got ready for the holidays and in the spirit of spoiling the surprise for everyone (I think that’s fair since you broke the news to me that there’s no Easter Bunny, Santa or God), allow to share a few of the literary gems from this winter’s Fancy Plan Press…

    Winnie the Pooh – Gay and Ashamed by Kitty Kelley.

    In her most explosive biography yet, the internationally acclaimed word mangler spills the beans about Winnie and his lovers. They include Piglet, Christopher Robin (surprise, surprise!) and more than one donkey… The word “Eeyor” will never sound the same to you – ever – again!!!

    Winnie, Ms. Kelley tells us, was not only a self loathing homosexual – but a total slut who was happy to live a lie!

    A few of the less salacious excerpts…

    •Winnie was drunk and cruising for men. It was only a matter of time until he found Satan…
    •Winnie yanked down his drawers and smiled impishly. Swigging back a quart of human blood and lighting a cigarette, he then giggled. It was only a matter of time until he started sacrificing virgins…
    •Hungover, Winnie ate his bacon and eggs of a the dead virgin hooker’s stomach. It was only a matter of time until he took over the bacon and egg industry and started pimping chickens and pigs..

    Hack, Like Me by Clive “Fucking” Cussler

    A surprise to see you carrying this. The author’s biography in which he admits (among other things)
    a) he contracted venereal disease from a golf club
    b) he contracted syphilis from a wishing well
    c) he contracted genital warts from an errant hairy nosed wombat
    d) when no one is around, he calls Dirk “Zipperhead cocknose”
    e) he sometimes questions his, hahahah, talent

    How to be an Old Letch and Improve your TV Ratings by David Letterman (with forward by the king of leering at chicks – King Leer)

    Mr. Letterman proves he can make even more money by bonking the help.

    Pretentious Literary Work That Is Above The Peons I Am Surrounded By by Phineus McTweeny

    “Tedious”
    The New York Times

    About the only good thing you can say about this guy is he hates Cussler.

    A sample paragraph. “I am surrounded by Cussler like peons — defiling themselves with wishing wells and golf equipment. They are snakes that dart into holes. The dirt in filthy society’s nails. Worms that should be stomped upon by the greatness that is me, whilst I wear hobnailed boots. Oh verily, verily. Ye and more Shakespearian sounding words. I shall now use a lexical set of words to flex my literary muscles. Ha, ha. Egad but I’m pompous. But enough about me. Onto these plagues of Cussler like people. These Cusslerarian germs, microbes and trypanosomiasis thrive like Cussler-esque hookworms in water and mosquitoes in the swamp. Step outside into the world and I am forced to bath in them all, eating away at my brilliant marrow and pretentiously fabulous bones. Blurring my divine literary vision, sapping my superior fiber and eating away at the ecstasy that is me. Curse the Cussler worms! Curse them, I sayeth!

    Golf: No Longer Whitey’s Game! Ha, ha, ha! By Tiger Woods

    What, on the surface, looks to be an exciting book about competitive sport and race relations is in fact a book as boring as both its author and the game of golf. Chapter 7 on “How to File An Income Tax Form” takes literary somnambulance to new levels…

    Things do pick up however when Woods describes watching Mr. Clive Cussler sodomize himself with a 3 iron.


    • Alan!

      A pleasure to see you. And look, you’ve brought several words with you. How unusual.

      All else being equal, I will once again retitle this post and file it under Content, “New.”

      If there’s one thing I can’t thank you enough for, it’s bringing back Clive Fucking Cussler for another round of verbal beatdown. The man deserves it as few others do (Nickelback, of course and Solange Knowles lately).

      I think the most scarily accurate depiction was the Pretentious Literary Ass you channeled so willingly (I mean, accurately). That hack Cussler is so godawful it evens makes reading heavy pretention like that a true pleasure. Like menthol cigarettes… or something.

      Thanks for the comment, Alan. Hope to see you again, preferably during my next bout with writer’s block (rolling blackout).


  5. You are so right about “sharing is stealing”. That is why I taught my children to never share a damned thing. I also tought how to steal outright, so there would never be any doubt as to their intentions.

    Currently, they are both serving time for stealing several copies of Clive F. Cussler’s latest book from Wal-Mart. I couldn’t be more proud of them.


    • TL! Great to see you.

      I see your remarkable influence has spread to a new generation of kleptomaniacs. Keep those Cussler books around. If Cap’n Trade goes thru, it may be cheaper to just burn his books.

      If nothing else, it will certainly be a hell of a lot more pleasant than reading them.

      Great to see you.


  6. Top tier once again, but then I came across this: “Can I possibly trouble you fellows for some narcotics?” I must say, that this is totally polite and I would totally share my narcotic with anyone so polite, cop or not. How could you say no to that?


    • True. It seems like it would melt the heart of any hardened drug dealer.

      My guess is they would say “no” with a gun. Or a severe beating.


  7. You’re way too street.



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