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Minutes from the Fancy Plans Employee Meeting

September 25, 2009
Before we adjourn this meeting, I'd like to show you all this doodle of you all in very compromising positions.

Before we adjourn this meeting, I'd like to show you all this doodle of you all in very compromising positions.

September 23, 2009

In attendance: CLT, Edna Morton (Research), James (Art Dept.), Meredith (Secretary).
Not in attendance: RF Interference (currently heading the House Committee on Un-American Sports Activities)

CLT: Alright. We’ve had a pretty good month, so far. Just a couple of things to note:

1. While readership is up, out leading incoming search is “Richard Simmons,” meaning we have made some inroads into a very fucked-up demographic. I don’t want to point fingers, James, but it’s all coming from the low-angle shot you took of him in his shortiest shorts.

While I’m sure we can all appreciate a nicely-toned ass, I’m not sure we need the kind of readership that is looking for sweaty shots of Simmons’ Ken-doll anatomy.

2. We need to work on our quality control. The New York Times Review of Blogs posted what some might consider to be a “devastating” review. They said we “lack any sort of cohesive theme or focus,” and that we only “occasionally show any sort of insight, mostly limited to rare moments when RF Interference can squeeze a post in edgewise.”

It goes on… at quite some length… let’s see… “caustic windbag CLT…” “amateurish cynicism…” “not real journalists…”

So, some room for improvement. Especially you, James.

And not to point fingers again, James, but your photo selection has slipped. I need concise, devastating pictures that can be easily used again themselves. If I have to spend more than 30 seconds thinking up the perfect caption, then that’s another This Week’s Featured Soaps that won’t make the publishing deadline.

James: Can I speak freely?
CLT: Sure. This is the good old U.S. of A., despite RF’s best efforts.
James: Most of the vague requests and posts leave a lot to the imagination. I’m not really receiving concise direction from you.
CLT: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m the talent. I thought with your fancy degree in… what do you have a degree in?
James: Middle Eastern architecture. I minored in Numerology.
CLT. Jesus Christ! Really? Who the hell is doing the hiring around here?
James: WordPress suggested me using their search engine. I was under “Humor” for no discernible reason.
CLT: Correct me if I’m wrong, but your diploma has calligraphy on it?
James: Yes. I suppose it does…
CLT: Well, Mr. Pompous Jackass Degree Holder, for the rest of this meeting you’re going to use your imagination and pretend that you are now living in a third-world dictatorship and anything derogatory you say will be punished severely.
James: [sulks]

CLT: Moving on. We recently ran a full page of retractions leading me to believe that our fact-checking is not up to spec. Edna?
Edna: I’m sorry, Mr. CLT, but I don’t have much to work with. You banned me from the internet after the fourth crippling virus I downloaded and the encyclopedias you’ve been picking up from the grocery store are short several volumes. Many of the pages contain nothing but coupons.
CLT: Let me cut you off there. And please, call me “Sir.” Your lack of resources is not really my problem. Or maybe it is. Either way, we’re going to simplify: this is your problem. Are you banned from the library computers, too?
Edna: I have one strike left, but it should be gone after they reboot tomorrow morning.

CLT: Alright. I’m going to call a quick recess and go have several shots. You wait here.

CLT: What the fuck? There’s nothing but Triple Sec and Cointreau in here! Where the hell did all the booze go? Edna?
Edna: [snores]
CLT: James! Smell her breath.
James: Why do I have to—
CLT: Because you are the unpaid and abused intern. I’m not going anywhere near her mouth. She eats black licorice all day and apparently drinks a lot of booze. When she opens that thing, it looks like the gateway to hell. Only with less teeth.
James: I’m not going to do that!
CLT: James. I’m going to start writing some numbers on the whiteboard. Stop me anytime… 23…
James: [screams and heads over to Edna]

James:Oh… god… oh god. She’s been drinking.
CLT: Thank you, James. I’m leaving that number on the board for the remainder of this meeting. Try to focus.

Meredith, take a letter. “To the estate of Clive F. Cussler…”

James: I believe Clive Cussler is still alive.
CLT: Really? How the fuck do you know? Flip through a sudoku book? Leave the facts to the pros. Edna? What do we have on Cussler?
Edna: [belches quietly, continues snoring]
CLT: Well, I’m calling that 2 vs. 1, James. Do the math.

To the estate of Clive F. Cussler,

Thank you for your letter dated September 3rd, 2009. In response to your request for the removal of the offending Cussler interview, I have decided to continue running the post. Until you have conclusive proof that Mr. Cussler is not an insufferable prick and that his son can operate an automatic door without assistance, the interviews stays as is.

I will accept time-stamped video accompanied by a signed affadavit. You have my sympathy over the loss of Mr. Cussler, etc. etc. Go fuck yourself.

Sincerely,
Capitalist Lion Tamer

Meredith, read that back to me.

Meredith: [reads letter]
CLT: Good lord! Do I sound like that? All overbearing and profane? Did you add something?
Meredith: No. I transcribed it exactly.
CLT: Hmm. Try to soften it up a little. Throw in a few “prithees” and a couple of F-bombs.

Meredith: [retypes letter]
Meredith: Would you like me to read back the edited letter?
CLT: No. I’m sure it still retains my famous quiet dignity. James, check the file cabinet for some anthrax and toss it in the envelope.
James: Jesus. You actually have some of that?
CLT: I picked some up in early 2002. Everybody had some. Scarcely a letter went out without a heavy dusting of it. It should be in the first aid kit.
James: It’s all gone.
CLT: Nothing? Not even a small but deadly amount?
Check out the box marked Fleetwood Mac’s Greatest Hits. There should be some coke in there. Unless Edna got there first… Toss some of that into the envelope.
OK. Run that to the post office. And James?
James: [exasperated sigh] What?
CLT: When they ask you if there’s anything “flammable, hazardous, perishable, etc.,” try not to say something instinctive like, “It’s not anthrax. It’s cocaine.”

[James heads to post office.]

CLT: Anyone have anything? No? Edna? Edna!
Edna: [snores]
CLT: Alright. We’ll see you all next month, with the possible exception of James.

RF: What a night. Did I miss anything good?
CLT: We have lousy employees. Meredith is the only one worth keeping and I’m sure she’ll e gone once her first paycheck bounces. And thanks to Edna, the liquor cabinet is now about as useless as a fridge full of condiments.
On the bright side, James can be intimidated by writing nearly any number on the whiteboard.
RF: Right-o. Well, I’m off to exchange my greenbacks for British pounds and hit the pub for some football and unintelligible accents. You in?
CLT: American football?
RF: [glares pointedly]
CLT: Fine. Go Tottenham. Rue Britannia. You’re buying the first round.

-CLT

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15 comments

  1. Will you be hiring soon? I don’t have a degree,however I do have a very hard to acquire GED. I also do not have any skills but I would be happy to mock Clive F. Cussler for several hours per day.

    Ok, to be totally honest, I am mostly interested in working for you so I can get with the hot china woman in the photo above. Can you help a brother out?


    • TL, as much as I’d like to have you on board, I think there is only room for one arrogant, abusive and egotistical ass.

      We are looking for some freelance mockery, if you’re down with that. Send submissions to: 2timegrime@gmail.com

      The hot chick is actually just a stock photo prop, and as such, can be “had” for the right licensing fee. Please contact Leslie at: http://www.hotstockphotochicks.com .


  2. Yeah, I know. RF is no more Anglophile than I am, and I don’t even follow soccer. As a long time music fan (especially of the electronic genres), I’ve been more than partial to the British music scene.

    Yet, I am still fascinated by your fascination with soccer. However, you can’t ditch the EPL because MLS doesn’t roll with the awesome initials “FC” attached to everything. It makes nearly everything at least 20% more awesome. Case in point: FC Kahuna, a fairly useful group of breakbeat and house producers.

    Anyway – to those who don’t know RF as well as I do – he’s no more Eurosnob than you or I (well, at least not you). Those who read this post as an understated satire instead of the klunky parade of stereotypes will draw the right conclusion.

    Much like I hope that they will also conclude that I am most likely not an arrogant, abusive and somewhat egotistical ass.

    James, however, is truly stupid on so many levels.


  3. You had me at doodle, CLT.

    You then lost me for a while at Richard Simmons, but luckily I came back just in time to find out what the New York Blog Review had to say.

    Although I admit their assessment may have been a tad “harsh” (I mean seriously, who died and made them the boss of consistency?), you need to remember that bad reviews are better than no reviews at all. Just ask Ben Affleck and JLo (or is it J. Lo…or Jaylow?).

    Anyway, I have to say that I’m a little jealous, your executive meetings make mine seem rather…well “dull”, for lack of a better word (unfortunately I lost all my better words in a tragic mining accident, and now all I’m left with are a bunch of humdrum describing terms ).

    *excerpt from Bschooled’s meeting

    Engineer 1- You can see this relates in general to downhole electrical connectors for use in electrical submersible pump applications.

    Engineer 2- And in particular to a downhole pothead connector for use in oil wells.

    Bschooled- Ha!

    Boss- What’s so funny, Bschooled?

    Bschooled- He said “pothead”…

    Therefore, I’ve decided to hire myself on as part of your team. And since I also come with my own pre-mixed flask (PBR/Tang combo ), this will obviously be a win-win situation.

    We can discuss logistics later, right now I’m off to celebrate…break out the Fleetwood Mac, tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1969!


    • “If it weren’t for bad reviews, we’d have no reviews at all.” Just one of our many mottos here at Fancy Plans. “We’ll have you at doodle” is on the list as well.

      I laughed too when he said “pothead.” I laughed even more when you said he said “pothead.” Sure, it’s a boring meeting, but nothing that can’t be livened up with some inappropriate laughter.

      Welcome aboard, apparently. That answers the question as to who is doing the hiring. The good people at WordPress assured me the blog would “practically run itself.” They weren’t lying.

      They also said the internet itself would wait breathlessly for our next post and beat a metaphoric path to our site immediately. This wasn’t as accurate, although we do seem to have an overabundance of Richard Simmons’ fans.

      Thanks for the comment, bschooled. Always great to hear from a co-worker.


  4. Hah! Wonderbar, I was in stitches, Stitches, I say (and well I should say, I hasten to add). Capital! More fun than a CD (FYI: A CD is a “Curious Device”)

    But, you have a problem… With Edna.

    She wrote me today (I’m dating her sister, Squeaky, and so I see a lot of Edna as well. She’s a game gal with a bum leg and more bad habits that a poorly dressed nun. (Nowhere near as brilliant as “the gateway to hell. Only with less teeth.” But I’ve been out tonight having my soul saved…)

    Anyway… Edna asked me if we were hiring at Hamish.

    I asked what the problem over there was and she sent me “her” transcript of your last meeting.

    She sees things very differently than you do. I know, I know, “he said, she said” and I agree, it’s great sitcom material. I see mining this for about 6 or 7 “Oh, That Jason!” episodes… But more on that another day.

    First things first. Here’s how she saw the meeting…

    In attendance: That bastard, Capitalist Lion Dictator, Me (Edna! Yay!) Morty (Research and Abused), James (Art Dept. Cute. But, I don’t know…), Meredith the bitch (Secretary).

    Not in attendance: RF Interference (currently doing God knows what with God knows who)

    CLD: Alright. We’ve had a pretty good month, and you’re all scum and you know it. No, you’re worms. No, no, I was right the first time. You’re all scum. Ha, ha. I mean… Bwehahahaha! Edna, get me coffee and dance while you do it. Bwehahaha!

    Right. Now listen up scum worms. Our readership is up, no thanks to you, Edna. Oh, and Edna, this coffee lacks a certain something. Much like you. Anyway, Blah blah blah blah “Richard Simmons,” yada yada yada, I don’t want to point fingers, James, but it’s all Edna’s fault. Again. Yack, yack, yack, a nicely-toned ass, wacka wacka wacka, Ken-doll anatomy…

    Edna… EDNA!!!!!! Pay attention, woman! Now, we need to work on our quality control. Edna, how about doing some handstands for us? I think it would help morale. Well don’t just stare at me, dear. Up you go. That a girl. …Watch out for the coffee table… Edna… Edna… Edna! The coffee table…

    Smash

    CLD: Oh great! That’s coming out of your paycheck, Edna. That means you owe me $643.73… So, some room for improvement. Especially you, Edna.

    Edna: Can I speak freely?

    CLD: No.

    Edna: Oh.

    CLD: Moving on. We recently ran a full page of retractions leading me to believe that our fact-checking is not up to spec. Edna?

    Edna: I’m sorry, sir.

    CLD: Please, call me, master.

    Edna: Yes, master.

    CLD: No, that’s too formal… Let’s go with my Lord.

    Edna: Yes, my Lord.

    CLD: No. No, that’s not it either. Let’s go with boss, I’ll think on this some more.

    Edna: Yes, boss. Anyway, you banned me from the internet in order that I’d have more time to wash your cars, do your laundry, and make you your endangered animal sandwiches.

    CLD: Speaking of which, where’s My Bald Eagle on Rye?

    Edna: I, uh…

    CLD: Let me cut you off there. And call me “Sir.” Yes, that’s it. Ha, ha, ha. I mean, Bwehahahahahaha!!!! Damn you, Edna! Your lack of resources is not really my problem. Or maybe it is. Either way, we’re going to simplify: this is your problem. Now drop and give me 20!

    Edna drops and gives CLD 20

    CLD: Atta girl! Alright. I’m going to call a quick recess and drink the blood of children. Bwehahahahahahahaha!!!!! You all wait here.

    Anyway, according to Edna, this is where she collapses from doing push ups and remains unconscious for the rest of the meeting.

    So… Now obviously, I don’t believe everything she’s saying. I’ve seen you work the room in the “Oh, That Jason” pitch sessions. I know you’re more of a “Call me Jesus Machine, and lets do some opiates” kind of a guy. You’re pretty mellow and fun at parties and pitch sessions.

    I’m just not sure what to say to Edna. Squeaky is concerned. This could make for an awkward Thanksgiving Dinner.

    I’m open for suggestions.


    • Ha! yourself, dogmanstar.

      I’ve just had your comment retitled and it should appear as brand-new “content” within the next 7-10 days. Look under “Rebuttal from former employee.”

      As any of us know from our frequent run-ins with Madame Morton, her memory and grasp of day-to-day life is not to be trusted. Of all the things she got wrong, I take her insinuation that she can do 20 push-ups the most personally.

      I had a standing bet with her that she couldn’t do 20 pushups before I lost interest and wandered off. She has yet to win that bet.

      She is right about one thing: that table is coming out of her paycheck. Problem is, most paychecks around here are what some might call “theoretical” and probably won’t inconvenience her much.

      And please, Alan. Call me “Jesus Machine.”

      Thanks for the splendid comment, Alan. Looking forward to seeing you at our annual Thanksgiving bash, held at the nearest Indian burial grounds.


  5. That was hilarious, but I am partial to dialog, Clive fucking Cussler jokes, and profanity. At least you get Richard Simmons searches. I did a post a while back on the disgusting butcher shops in Spain titled ‘The Butcher of Seville,’ and I’ve unfortunately somehow tapped into Jeffrey Dahmer/serial killer/cannibal demographic. It is surprisingly large and apparently exerts a powerful force over google. I often get such charmingly quaint searches as ‘sliced open meat girl,’ ‘eating dead people flesh,’ and ‘fucking hanging bloody carnage.’ Doesn’t it warm your cackles?

    You know I feel your ‘lack of any cohesive theme or focus,’ I’m all over the place myself. I’ve never been too great at organization, and when you have to find something funny to write about you could end up with obscure Spanish gypsy marriage ceremonies, or someone getting a DUI on a motorized bar stool in Ohio. You just never know. And nothing covers vodka better than black licorice, so great call on Edna’s part. In my opinion though, Cointreau will do in a pinch, but I wouldn’t waste my stomach acids on the triple sec.

    And this is for James….Ryne Sandberg 23, Bob Nystrom 23, Michael Jordon 23, Beckham 23, Darwin’s ‘Origin of Species published in 1859=23, the big boom in Hiroshima was at 8:15am=23, in ‘The Big Lebowski’ they always used lane 23, and 9-11-2001=23. I could go on and on as you know James, but it would be a bit redundant as there has already been a movie or two made about it. Maybe you’ve heard of them?


    • Thanks, Man Torn Between Two Countries, Feeling Like A Fool.

      The search topics never fail to amuse me. It makes me realize the futility of gaming the system by chasing the latest hot topic (which may well be Hot Topic).

      The most popular posts on this site are the various guides to rock and roll. Someone searches for “Dire Straits” (presumably because they’re a fan) and clicks thru, only to be greeted by a paragraph or three ripping their favorite band to shreds. Hardly the way to build an audience.

      I’ve got Richard Simmons and you’ve got those who like their ambisexual fitness instructors the way they like their coffee: ground up and in the freezer.

      Thanks for the booze tip and the scary numbers. Currently, I am trying to coax James out from under the desk and out of the puddle of urine he is sitting in (most of it is his).

      Great to see you Scott. Thanks for stopping by.


  6. That’s quite the iron fisting… The superior lineage is glowing!


    • The fisting is necessary if the staff is going to keep that lineage properly glowing. Use the Shamwow. And the Smack-Chop.


  7. I actually read this about a week ago, somewhere along the way in my meanderings when I was trying to clear my mind. I laughed until I cried, and that was before I read the responses.

    I’ve decided to just move in here and live in your blog. I will be entertained and amused continuously. I’m not going to go to work at either of my jobs or clean the house anymore. I’m just going to hang out around here and be the CLT groupie.

    I’ve decided that working for a living is completely overrated. Please help me find a way that I can just hang out here all day.

    I await your response.
    Your groupie, CC, who is currently camped out in the fancy pants waiting room.


    • Claire!!!

      So you’ve been in the waiting room this whole time? I’m really sorry we didn’t check there. It may have something to do that we weren’t aware we had one. (The shape of the imagined outbuildings and interior office space seem to shift tremendously from post to post.)

      You are more than welcome to stay here as the Head Groupie. You will be in charge of the other groupies (if there is such a thing) and make sure they don’t disturb our sleeping, heavy drinking and Cussler-baiting.

      In fact, you deserve some time off. Just grab that new “Head Groupie” name tag and come in for some relaxing drinking, sleeping and Cussler-baiting.

      Truly wonderful to see you again, Claire.


  8. Edna came by a couple of times promising me she would tell you I was here. She’s also the one who said this was the waiting room even though I questioned why there was a commode and soiled hand towels. She laughed maniacally as she left. It sounded like Bwehahahahahaha

    Then Cena showed up. You wouldn’t believe what he wanted to do in the waiting room. Edna came in while he was demonstrating his technique. She left with him and I haven’t seen either one since then. That was a week ago.

    Thank you for letting me in. I need a few stiff drinks in hand instead of what Cena offered. After enough drinks, I will sleep soundly and when Cussler is mentioned I will have the bottles to swing as well.


    • Edna’a grasp on life and time-space in general is a little suspect. I once asked her to run a couple of quick errands for me and had to retrieve her from mall security nearly four days later.

      I never got the whole story but the mall cops were glad to have someone to sign her over to. She keeps threatening to cut me out of her will and I keep reminding her that a.) I’m not even related to her and b.) I’m still not paying her.

      As for Cena… well, no doubt he comes highly recommended by the WordPress intern staffing crew, but his one-track mind is a bit wearing, especially with his multiple offers to show me how he solved his erectile problems “with his hand.”

      I’m glad you found a few drinks to sustain you out in the waiting room. The supposedly private liquor cabinet in here is down to Triple Sec and Zima.



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