This Week’s Featured Soap Operas

September 17, 2009

Time for the weekly update on the adulterous goings-on of your favorite has-been and never-was actors and actresses. And by “your,” I mean of course, not mine.

AKA "Childlike and Hyper"

AKA "Childlike and Hyper"

This week on All My Children
Erica “goes black;” considers not going back. Leo downloads and installs Windows Updates. A marriage counselor suggests Maggie spice up her failing relationship with a soft-focus montage. A malfunctioning Operation game opens a hole into another, vaguely familiar dimension. Leo decides pants are “in” this year. Zach asks Kendall if she can touch her elbows together behind her back. Acid flashbacks for Frank; normal flashbacks for Greenlee.

OLTL presents their Tetris for Idiots spinoff.

OLTL presents their Tetris for Idiots spinoff.

This week on One Life to Live
After a long discussion, Agnes just decides to do the damn grocery shopping herself. Amanda receives an invitation to the Black Lodge. Bo speaks in thinly disguised metaphors. With the Emmy nominations right around the corner, Blair suddenly goes retarded. Mostly sunny with a 20% chance of rain. While enjoying some off-camera deep sea diving, Cole succumbs to the bends; becomes a Radiohead fan for life. Langston sucks at backgammon. Charlie’s collection of rare soul records remains unappreciated. Natalie shocks everyone by announcing she is pregnant and unable to conceive.



  1. These updates of yours are damned excellent, CLT.

    A good number of the ladies down at the seniors centre watch these soap opera programs religiously but due to conflicting schedules and failing memories sometimes miss a week here, a month there or forget that they are fans of the show entirely.

    These summaries of yours are the perfect remedy and I have suggested to a number of the gals that they visit your site so that they can stay on track.

    Unfortunately, your habit of also posting material about finding Jesus in specially marked boxes of Quaker Oats, penchant for rock and roll music and occasional use of the “F” word have scared most of the ladies off. Still, a core group remain and they would like MORE.

    And so, I’d like to suggest that you consider expanding your horizons in this area and consider including updates on game shows and afternoon talk shows. We wouldn’t be looking for much:

    “This week on the Price is Right…”

    A man won a boat. A woman jumped up a down. Drew Carey had a pensive moment to wonder where it all went wrong…

    That sort of thing.

    Or, “Today on Doctor Phil….”

    A woman cried. A man pretended to be remorseful. Dr. Phil looked bloated and judged people haphazardly.

    You get the idea. This could be a valuable seniors’ service, CLT. And while I know we aren’t your primary target group, you’ll find we seniors are loyal readers.

    Best regards,


    • Don-

      Many thanks for the wonderful suggestions. I may being to make use of those almost immediately.

      “Today on Oprah: The Big O demonstrates the power of the English language when she says, ‘Everyone in the audience has a new car parked outside,” before leading them to the parking garage and showing them their collective RideShare vehicle.”

      Good, good stuff, Don. I do apologize for offending your peers with my youthful good looks, loud rock and roll and frequent profanities. It’s assumed that I’ll grow out of it, but I haven’t seen any promising indicators.

  2. Working on Don’s theme…

    This week on “Crabby Old Man”

    Don has had it with the paperboy’s tardiness and beats the kid within an inch of his life with a frozen lasagna. Fortunately for the paperboy, Don doesn’t care for the metric system (too Euro, too French) or the kid might very well be dead. Terry, an insolent caddie fires up Don’s ire and the old man is forced to give Terry an “attitude adjustment” using his putter and a ball washing machine. (Or as Don calls it – an 18 hole enema.) Don suspects Hattie is wearing inappropriate underwear. He searches in van for his old X-Ray-Specs. Don and Calvin “chronic” Burley” get into a heated argument over the devil. Don declares Calvin a pothead and Satanist who needs to be cleansed of evil. Three bars of lye soap up the ass do the trick. Don visits the mall and has an unfortunate run-in with Goth rocker, William Nosferatu. Don vows to return to the mall… With a gun. Don’s Florida time share condo proves to be problematic. Don writes Governor Bush about the problem.* Don is propositioned by legendary skank, Kellie Taylor. Viagra ensues.

    *This week’s special guest – Governor Bush

    • Nicely done, Alan.

      From what I gather, Don’s days are filled with him filling others’ asses with a variety of indignities and bars of soap. Much like prison, only with more indignity.

      Be careful he doesn’t find his x-ray spex. My feeling is that Don has them, which would explain all the inappropriate giggling and addictive orgasms.

      Unfortunately, his life may soon be in danger as overuse of the glasses results in “X-Ray Eyes” and a run to the courthouse to legally change his name to “X.” His power will soon know no bounds, and he will pester us day and night (especially night) to “wipe away his eyes. Tee hee.”

  3. I don’t care about the pay; writing for a soap would be one of the best jobs on the entire planet. It’s even better than TV weatherman. You could have the town of Santa Barbara destroyed in a terrorist attack. Then have god’s avenging angel come down and salt the earth. Then after you realize that may kind of fuck up the storyline, just go back and say it was a dream. You can not make a mistake! I added you to my blogroll because you are fucking awesome.

    • Ah. The dream sequence fakeout. Ever since “Dallas,” it’s been available for abuse by every hack in the Screenwriter’s Guild.

      When this blog gets shut down, I’ll remind everyone it was just a dream.

      Thanks for the blogrolling, Scott. I’m going to forward your compliment to my mom. She likes to see me do well as profanely as possible.

  4. ‘One Life To Live’ makes for a horrible acronym.


    • It does. It sounds like something Aztec or Incan or something if you try to say it out loud.

      But after 40+ years in the business, is it too late to change? I say: no. But, then again, I don’t really have a stake in it.

  5. Drive the stake through the heart!

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: