Finding Jesus

September 14, 2009
Well, he's got the halo, but I'm pretty sure the staff and lamb are just metaphoric...

Well, he's got the halo, but I'm pretty sure the staff and lamb are just metaphoric...

You hear it all the time these days. People “finding Jesus.” Whether they’re in prison or rehab, they always talk about it as though they just won the inter-denominational scavenger hunt.

Why is it that Jesus isn’t out in plain sight, being found by people who have managed to not hold up a liquor store, murder eight people or run a dogfighting ring? Why can’t those who enjoy their booze and drugs in moderation draw a bead on this slippery Sonuvagod?

Perhaps He is out there. Maybe we’re just not looking hard enough. Especially you, Todd. You’re hardly trying and I think you need Jesus the most.

Here are some suggested locations to aid you in the spiritual game of hide and seek that is modern-day Christianity.

  • Nickel Beer Night, Wrigley Field
  • Basement crawl space
  • Chain letter
  • Thousands of nationally accepted religious venues
  • Amy Grant concert; Row 15 Seat 11A
  • Defending Kentucky from terrorists
  • Wandering through the White House and other government buildings, blatantly ignoring the restraining order that has been in place since 1791
  • Opening for Billy Graham (Beijing and Mexico City only)
  • Numerous cameo appearances in dreams (and dream sequences) over the past 2000 years
  • JC & Friends Water Walking Extravaganza, Sea World, San Diego (12 pm, 4pm and 7 pm)
  • Multiple bumper stickers (1970-present)
  • At home, catching up with His “stories”
  • Teaching carpentry at the Learning Annex
  • Protesting gay marriage, California
  • At the Career Center, finding the answer to the question: “What would Jesus do?”
  • Checking on his mom over at the Catholic Church
  • Measuring in at 900 ft. tall to claim title as “World’s Tallest Man (Diety Division)”
  • Montgomery, AL Gun Show, Booth 21
  • Every 1,200th Rick Roll
  • Unlockable character – Shin Megami Tensei:Nocturne
  • Gethsemane Gardens Amusement Parks
  • Guesthouse, Cape Cod
  • Specially marked boxes of Quaker Oats
  • Collecting His “props” at the end of every major sporting event
  • Making juice, Wonderland Ranch
  • Behind the decks every other Sunday – Space, Ibiza
  • Missed Connections, Craigslist
  • Fucking with single sets of footprints in the sand
  • Building hot rods with Gibby Haynes, Al Jourgensen



  1. Jesus is harder to find than Waldo. Usually, I find Him residing in my toast. He also attends lots of sporting events because I hear people say “Jesus Christ!” a lot. (Mostly a NASCAR fan, I think).

    • Jesus likes the NASCAR crowd. They have him on all their dashboards.

      Also loud noises and tits. He hangs in the infield.

      Great to see you, TL.

  2. Another great post, CLT. This is getting unsettling.

    “Specially marked boxes of Quaker Oats.” Too damned funny.

    • Thank you, Don.

      It was divinely inspired. Most of my muses are cross-dressers.

  3. Great stuff CLT!

    I actually found him in my grocer’s freezer section, but that was before he decided to go “all organic and shit.”

    • Thanks, bschooled.

      Jesus was always one to check which way the wind was blowing before making a decision. His latter miracles involved Him changing water into wheatgrass juice and feeding the 5,000 with five whole-grain loaves and two pints of hummus.

  4. I swore I saw him in my backyard turning my pool into wine, but then the dog grabbed him and buried him somewhere and I haven’t seen him since.

    • Careful with that whole burial thing. You should expect to see him in 3 days (unless it’s a holiday).

      Can’t go wrong with a wine pool, though. You’ll finally be able to lord it over your boxed-wine drinking neighbors.

  5. I can personally attest to your ‘truth’ my friend. I’ve been to Space, Ibiza, and I definitely saw him there. And it was heavenly! Jesus must have really shrunk down over the ages though, because every time these people get out of prison or rehab he always manages to slip right out of their back pocket like a loose credit card.

    • Hahaha!

      Excellent point on the miniature Jesus. He’s there in their time of need, but once hunky is back next to dory, they can’t wait to ditch the loser at the bus station.

      Great to see you, Scott. I understand I have a prize of some sort waiting at your site. I shall be over shortly.

  6. Oh, I forgot to say that you can usually find him at Pasha almost every Friday night ‘in season’ as well.

    • If He truly was a miracle worker, He’d be playing both nights in the same night.

  7. That damn Jesus is always showing up wherever I go. I just saw him a few minutes ago. Luckily he didn’t see me. He’s such a whiny bitch.

    No lie, I saw him 6 times today already! 6 times the day before. And 6 times the day before that.

    Today I saw him..

    1. In my taco looking all forlorn.
    2.Hanging outside the local public school looking unsavory. I called the cops.
    3. Going through my underwear at the Laundromat.
    4. On my computer and downloading Magdalene hooker porn.
    5. Doing the latest dance craze – The Sign Of The Cross (according to the kids, it’ll make you feel real boss).
    6. In my kitchen and hitting on my toaster – polymorphic perverse douche bag

    It’s just the way it is, I suppose. Maybe it’s me. Like you said, most people are looking too hard.

    I’m not looking at all – and he won’t go away.

    Damn Jesus!

    • So you’re the reason everybody else has to work at finding Jesus. Apparently, he’s stalking you or attached to your keychain or something.

      I like that latest dance craze. It allows you to “vogue” like a 33-year-old corpse while simultaneously allowing you tell the ladies why Jesus was so popular. (He was hung like this.)

      Oddly, the 6-6-6 pattern is nothing spooky. Nothing like Jim “James” Carrey’s masturful performance in “23.” Now there’s a number. And yes, I spelled it that way on purpose.

      Great to see you, Alan. Welcome back from the vacation you’re apparently taking more of.

  8. I loved Jesus until I found out his was into “fur”, though I’ve never seen a lamb wrap before. Is it expensive? So uncool…

    • It’s not so much the expense. It’s the smell after about 48 hours, as little has been done to separate the lamb from the wool. Or as they call it in America’s public schools: cotton.

      (This cheap burn was brought to you by CLT’s continued tradition of ‘being an asshole about public schools.’)

  9. Hey, take that back! I’ll have you know I dropped out of public skool… thrice!

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