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Balancing the Federal Budget

September 11, 2009
Hey, asshole. Sure, the gloves get rid of the fingerprints, but the sleeves are a dead giveaway.

Hey, asshole. Sure, the gloves get rid of the fingerprints, but the sleeves are a dead giveaway.

As the nation’s deficit continues to skyrocket, politicians are scrambling to come up with solutions to counterbalance their reckless spending.

I kid, of course. The politicians could care less. They’re too busy trying to shoehorn someone’s useless airport into the back pages of our latest trillion-dollar fiasco. So while they look for more ways to sell your kids up the river, we have come up with a few suggestions on how to get the income to match the spending (or carpet to match the drapes, whichever comparison gets your attention quickest).

Fly-by-night tax collection agencies.

Check the White House sofa for any millions that may have slipped beneath the cushions.

Bake sale every Friday – first theme: “Fine. Score one for the bumper sticker-buying hippies. A bake sale to fund a bomber purchase.”

Pay wall for government websites.

Audit fucking everybody.

National “Swear Jar.”

Reorganize the government as a non-profit; accept donations from other countries.

$8 admission fee for illegal immigrants.

Buy more generics.

Effective tax rate on top earners to increase to 110%.

Federal withholding tax will now include a 35% “convenience fee” and a $10 “handling charge” (tip of the hat to Ticketmaster).

Same thing with filing a tax return.

Andrew Jackson was well known for his controversial views on slavery; love of floating pie charts.

Andrew Jackson was well known for his controversial views on slavery; love of floating pie charts.

Federal Disaster Relief packages now limited to a Sympathy card and whatever cash the people at the office chipped in ($43).

Several hundred post offices to convert to malfunctioning self-service kiosks.

Air Force One limited to one (1) “major city buzzing” per administration.

FDA Testing Department trimmed to one person: Karl “the Iron Stomach” Magnusson.

Casinos fucking everywhere.

Hell, smokers have an unlimited amount of money, right?

Americans encouraged to adopt foreign teens and immediately have them seek employment.

Increase the budget for “Alchemy R&D.”

Start accidentally knocking some zeroes off the end of the deficit total. Just until it’s down to something manageable.

Annex Central America and the rest of North America. Tax the hell out of our “new citizens.”

Take advantage of Australia’s penal colony status and stash our tax-dollar eating federal inmates “down under.”

Trim the DEA’s funding by 90%. Anti-drug operations going forward to consist of D.A.R.E. t-shirts and occasional “Won’t Somebody Think of the Children?” hysterics.

Yeah motherfucker. You may have my wallet, but I got your money-leaking hat!

Yeah motherfucker. You may have my wallet, but I got your money-leaking hat!

All national parks and wildlife preserves to be converted immediately to money-making resorts/amusement parks/petting zoos.

All retail transactions to be “rounded up” to next even dollar amount, with difference going to “Deficit Spend-Down” account.

President, Cabinet to look for second jobs.

Library of Congress to “aggressively pursue” late fees.

When buying Congressmen, lobbyists must now pay a 25% service charge.

Secret Service now off nights and weekends.

Proposed bills now must be printed using both sides of the paper.

All interstate road work to be subcontracted to KFC.

Iraq, Afghanistan operations to convert to “Operation: We Can’t Fight All Your Battles for You.”

More “sexually attractive” government employees now required to “turn tricks” 4 hours a day.

Americans encouraged to “give till it hurts.” Or be hurt.

-CLT

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15 comments

  1. There are some damned brilliant ideas in here CLT.

    Alchemy R&D is long overdue. So are your changes to the Federal Disaster Relief packages. (An e-card is really all that is required. No sense in spending money on postage.)

    One suggestion, if I might.

    If you expect to generate any money having government employees turning tricks 4 hours a day you might need to reconsider the notion that it be limited to those that are “sexually attractive.” Even if those 8 people (okay, I might be overstating things…) worked around the clock, you’d barely break even when you consider the overtime pay, additional health care benefits and the cost of slutty uniforms.

    I’d suggest that you say any “sexually viable” government employee. It’s more inclusive but roots out the ones that are simply too grotesque to be money makers. Plus the language is ambiguous and civil servants appreciate and understand ambiguous language.

    By the way – I suspect that the proposal is going to require some rather difficult union negotiations. While they likely won’t object to giving the odd blowjob, this notion of working 4 hours a day will be a tough sell to civil servants. Be prepared for some push back on that one.

    Sorry for the long comment but I’m excited about your plans. Another great post, CLT. I don’t know how you do it.

    Best regards

    Don


    • Don –

      Some very excellent and entertaining points you raise. To tell you the truth, the whole goverment hooker position (and positions) hadn’t really been thought out or researched, as is par for the course with government programs.

      These changes you suggest will be brought to the attention of our kind-hearted and God-fearing public servants. It will most likely be an uphill battle to persuade the “sexually viable” to “put out” for 4 hours a day, as much as it will be to get them to feign enthusiasm at the proper moments.

      Thanks for the great comment, Don. Always a tremendous pleasure butting heads with you.


  2. “As the nation’s deficit continues to skyrocket, politicians are scrambling to come up with solutions to counterbalance their reckless spending.

    I kid, of course. The politicians could care less.”

    You got that right. They are laughing their way to re-election.


    • They are so burned.

      No doubt they’ll shrug it off and continue doing the shitty job they’ve been doing for years.

      If only one could deliver their letters to their representatives via brick or cinderblock, hurled at great speed through the office window…

      Or attach said letter and Congressman to bricks/cinderblocks and hurl the combination into the Potomac…

      Then we’d be getting somewhere.

      Great to see you again, Zeus. Thanks for the comment.


  3. I was ready to drop into a slew of sharp responses to all of your excellent suggestions, Professor.

    Then I read Don’s comment.

    I’m sorry, the thought of Don and the “odd blowjob” has ruined me for the night.


    • Don’s been around the block, Claire. Several times. With many, many stops at the corners.

      He’s ruined more “odd blowjobs” than anyone could possibly imagine. I think it’s his stern looks and incessant fogged-up car window banging.

      Wonderful to see you, Claire.


  4. I adore Don and his curmudgeonly ways.

    And I’m going to make sure I’m no where near the block and I’m going to especially avoid the corners.


    • Avioding that whole block would probably be safest as I seem to infer (having now read my comment in whole) that he both hands out (so to speak) blowjobs and interrupts in-progress blowjobs.

      Yeah.

      I’d just stay the hell away until more info rolls in.


    • I read it that he’s getting them

      (by going around the block and stopping at the corners),

      but he’s stopping others from getting them as well

      (By banging the hell out of the windows of fogged up cars)


    • Well, it doesn’t take very long to get away from a boring subject like the federal deficit does it?

      Congratulations on your new endeavors, Don. It seems baseball cards, comic books and rantings weren’t reaching the kids fast enough. I’m thinking some interrupted awkward sex should get their attention quicker.


    • You started it by having the attractive civil servants turning tricks for 4 hours a day.It really brings about a whole new use for the firemans poles at the stations.

      Don’s the one who brought up blow jobs. And odd blow jobs at that. And odd blow jobs from any sexually viable government employees.

      I also have the feeling that many of the sexually viable men will refuse that part of their service package unless they are on the receiving end and not the giving end.

      Given the whole blow job scenario… as an accountant… you are really bringing a whole new world to audits.

      Will the auditor now be required to ask how many government blowjobs the company received during the year before they drop to their knees?


    • They should have to ask that question. But what if the company involved has to “pay in?”

      And should they be setting aside said bj’s based on estimated future earnings or just show up with the kneepads on quarterly?

      It boggles the mind. And other parts.


  5. Now I’m so glad I didn’t pursue that position with the IRS.


  6. Has anyone ever SEEN Uncle Sam’s wallet? I think not…


    • I’m beginning to doubt that Uncle Sam even has a wallet. He keeps grabbing mine “by accident” and claims it looks just like his. It’s always lighter when I get it back.

      Maybe he just keeps all his money in a hat.



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