This Week’s Featured Soap Operas

September 3, 2009

Well. What do we have here? A returning feature?

Yes. Yes, we do. (Here’s the first shot.) A feature that proved so popular during its debut that I have brought it back for another spin and will probably continue to do so until all interest is lost (you go first).

Followed by "The Hideous and Deformed."

Followed by "The Hideous and Deformed."

This week on The Young & The Restless
Jack’s painkiller addiction is hinted at; quickly dismissed. Sharon entertains coworkers with a bungled camping trip anecdote. Gloria bets $200 on Black. In a portent of things to come, Victor files Married but witholds at the higher Single rate. Paul forgets his “safety word” and is hospitalized. With the Daytime Emmy Awards fast approaching, Katherine begins quoting lengthy portions of Shakespeare. Devon wonders if he should go get stitches. Nicholas tries out his new favorite word: “cuntacular.” Disaster strikes when Nikki mixes colors and whites.

Where doctor stuff gets done, with no specifics or enthusiasm.

Where doctor stuff gets done, with no specifics or enthusiasm.

This week on General Hospital
Max obtains a Class B driver’s license. Alice’s conspiracy theories expand to include most major land mammals. Sonny discovers he is powerless to stop anything, really. A flashback reveals Carly’s dark past as a city councilperson. Patrick deems fishing trip “enjoyable;” “successful.” Luke cuts the red wire. Samantha defuses a tense situation by farting loudly. Robin visits with Luke and Laura about the “amazing opportunities available through Amway.” In an effort to keep their relationship exciting and spontaneous, Jeff has Monica stalked and killed. Alfred asks a rhetorical question; is rewarded with a long fade to the closing credits.



  1. Wait a minute, CLT…are you sure you aren’t getting your facts mixed up?

    I thought “cuntacular” was Paul’s safety word…

    • You could be right. Maybe he just wasn’t screaming it loud enough.

  2. Perhaps in a future installment…

  3. This week on Headless Ted.

    Ted continues to search for his head. It’s gotta be somewhere…

    Shaky Pete goes to Rome in search of the perfect amphitheatre and Vomitorium. Red wine, public urination, and a gerbil named “Trevor” ensue…

    Dr. Rex (rhymes with Sex) Morgan confesses he can’t carve a turkey and loves to toss dwarves. Andy, a restless P.O.R.G. (Person Of Restricted Growth) arrives in town…

    Terry continues to search for a groin maul. Yuri spams a mobster and has his kneecaps and nutsack cracked. Millicent Bodsworth travels to Lesbos in search of Edna Morton. Squeaky continues to be stacked.

    York joins “The Sublime Society of Beef Wellington” and is surprised when he gets boned up the ass by Reginald, an elderly gadfly, rake, wastrel and opium fiend. Real estate tycoon, Lance Merkin, continues to sexually harass himself. Jesus moves back in with his single and crotchety dad.

    • Jeezus, HT. It’s like a family reunion completely contained within someone’s head. Like in that movie about that guy who was crazy.

      Excellent work, my friend. I know these characters well and am pleased to find them headed off in refreshingly inappropriate directions.

      Poor York. Hoist on his own “tee hee” by Reginald. I never trusted him. He always seemed a bit too randy and shady.

      Good news for Jesus. No rent. That kicks all kinds of ass. Maybe he can finally get that Camaro he’s been eyeing without having to put in any overtime.

      Great to see you(s), Ted.

  4. OMG “Cuntacular” is MY new favorite word, too!

    Wow, Headless Ted is so familiar to me but I can’t place the face…

    • It’s a great word. I currently have it on my letterhead and am planning on inserting it into my writing with the frequency of commas.

      Ted is familiar. At least the torso and whatnot. He writes with a certain rhythm and uses some very familiar vernacular.

      I can’t place the face either. (I’ve forgotten where I put it.)

  5. Hilarity ensues no doubt. Awesome synopsis CLT…its really funny.

    • Thanks, FJ. The important thing is to retain complete ignorance of the subject matter. The synopsis will pretty much write itself.

  6. Twice as hot and thrice as filling as ‘The Soup’.

    • Haha!

      Great to see you, Rooster. We just don’t use the word “thrice” enough anymore, do we?

  7. I believe it has been blacklisted as politically incorrect.

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