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Touring the Creation Museum

August 29, 2009
You saved the dinosaurs? What for?

You saved the dinosaurs? What for? I specifically stated they needed to die "a mysterious death."

Hey, everybody! Welcome to the Creation Museum, the little house that faith built! Don’t forget to leave a donation in the box, as faith alone has yet to pay a single light bill or paper mache up another vegetarian T-Rex! Hahaha! Plus a portion of the proceeds go to help the victims of the latest moral panic. Remember God and our CCTV system are watching.

Before we get started, we need to ask just a couple of required questions. One, is anyone here Bill Maher? No. OK, thanks. We have to ask. New policy.

Also: any persons of color here? Oh… well… I’m so sorry about the curse. I’ll have more information on that later.

Alright! Let’s get started!

Now as we make our way through the tour, you may have some questions. I would ask that you hold these questions until the end of the tour, or better yet, take them home with you and ask God to help you with your faith problem. It obviously isn’t strong enough and I hate to be a bummer, but you’re probably going to hell. You may want to hurry back to the donation box and add a few more dollars. It certainly couldn’t hurt.

Speaking of lack of faith, my estranged wife has exhibited quite a lot of that lately, what with her insistence on health insurance for the kids and a purchase of World Book Encyclopedias.

Quick question, and yes, I will be asking all the questions on the tour. Faith, people!

Anyway, how many of you have gone through a painful divorce? Wow. That’s a lot of you. But still less than I expected. Well, God did say our faith would be tested, am I right? I just wish He’d have given me more time to study! Hahahahahahahaaaa! Kidding! I’m kidding! God is perfect in every way.

Now the main purpose of this museum is to put to rest the outrageous claims of evolutionists and other wackos. You may hear a lot of talk about the theory of evolution being “scientifically sound” and their “years of research.” Don’t be fooled. These scientists are always using “facts” and “research” as a twisted means to keep themselves supplied with opium and hookers. Did you know the STD rate among evolutionists is nearly as high as it is in Africa?

But these claims they throw around are ridiculous! Have you ever seen a frog behaving like a fish? Or a squirrel that can fly? Preposterous!

You know who else liked “facts” and “proof.” Yeah, that’s right. Satan. And to a lesser extent, the National Board of Education.

Perhaps you remember the famous Scopes Monkey Trial. Oh, you do! Oh, thank god. I was drawing a blank. Do you want to take over for a couple of minutes? Just a couple of minutes. I’ve got to call my soon-to-be ex-wife and harass her at work. Thanks a million. I shouldn’t be gone more than five minutes or so if my previous calls are any indication.

A "tame" dinosaur housepet roams the diorama, looking for a toddler to "play" with.

A "tame" dinosaur housepet roams the diorama, looking for a toddler to "play" with.

Alright, I’m back. Thanks for covering for me. You’re a lifesaver. Do you happen to know any good divorce lawyers? I’m kinda stuck right now as four lawyers have dropped me so far for “continually damaging my own case.”

Where was I? Oh! Evolution. Those crazy monkey-lovers. Evidence of creation exists all around us, especially here in the Creation Museum. Take a look at the fossil record. How could all of these be here in the same layer? We have a pterodactyl fossil, a human femur bone and a 1959 Philco Solid State Television. I’d like to see them solve that one, with their test tubes and microscopes. And master’s degrees…

Here is what evolution does. As you can see from this disturbing diorama, evolution theory leads directly to the downfall of society. Why, just reading your average school textbook is enough to destroy the very fabric of your family, leading to porn addiction and Planned Parenthood appointments. Letting a pro-evolution textbook into your Christian home is just like letting your daughter get knocked up by a travelling paleontologist.

I would ask that you refrain from touching the fossils as they are fragile and take many, many man-hours to create. Many GOD-hours! God creates! Sorry! I’m going to just sort of categorically deny everything I just said. Ah. I am now being paged to the front desk. Please wait here and I should be right back.

Now a USPS postage stamp, allowing you to easily sort the mail bearing it directly into the garbage.

Now a USPS postage stamp, allowing you to easily sort the mail bearing it directly into the garbage.

OK, folks. Thanks for waiting. Some news from… well, it doesn’t matter. I guess God has a plan for all of us. Up until about 2 minutes ago, God’s plan was that I should be here, working an underpaid position at a ridiculed institution. I guess… And that my wife should leave me because she doesn’t “respect me” or my “laughable ideals.” Which is fine. It’s His plan. And the painkiller addiction… He must have wanted that… But He’s changing it again, sort of suddenly. This will be my last tour with the museum, apparently.

We’ll kind of rush through the rest of this, seeing as I’m quickly losing the will to entertain or inform. Or live.

A few highlights left. Let’s see.

Oh! Jesus riding a dinosaur. This artist’s conception is proof that man and dinosaurs co-existed. How many of you kids would like to ride a dinosaur? Hahahaha! Most dinosaurs were actually vicious man-eaters and the more docile ones didn’t know their own strength. We have a Shetland pony and a coin-operated Triceratops out back for you young ones.

And here’s another picture of Jesus. This time he’s holding a tiny pet dinosaur. We are petitioning the US Postal Service to have it made into a stamp. If they won’t go for it, may a curse fall upon their heads and their houses. We’ll just take it to the Ron Paul mint and make our own stamps.

And this last exhibit shows some cavemen, who were not actually cave men, but men just like you and me only with more hair, co-existing peacefully with a vegetarian T-Rex. Apparently, they could be tamed and kept as housepets. A lot of Midwesterners and Texans believe that the vegetarian diet is what wiped out the T-Rex and several other dinosaurs. I guess we’ll never know for sure.

I want to thank you all for coming. If you could perhaps stop by the front desk and possibly leave any employments listings and letters of recommendation, I would greatly appreciate it. You’ve been wonderful, excepts for you doubters. I guess you’ll see my ex-wife. In hell. Have a great day!

-CLT

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19 comments

  1. At the creation museum restaurant, kin I gits me a ‘teradogtyle stake, medjum rare? Do it cum wid or widout feathers? I r entir er imtares er wanin 2 no cuz im beein a vetnarium.


    • Ah, yes. The famous Intelligent Design Grill. It does offer the Grilled Pterodactyl, which is really just some pressed chicken patties. In fact, most of what the grill serves is chicken. Including the fish.

      Some exceptions include the salad (fish) and the shrimp cocktail (Kobe beef).

      There is a vegetarian menu, but the staff will berate you for your hellbound ways and add an automatic 50% gratuity (tithe) to your bill.

      Good to see you, J5.


  2. O I fergits, braise da Lord.


    • Unfortunately, the Braised Lord is seasonal and is only available every other Good Friday.


  3. Headless Ted, here…

    I’m dead and in Hell. So’s my wife. She’s dead because I have a temper. She’s in Hell because she was a heroin peddling lesbian… Not sure if she’s here because she was a lesbian or a heroin peddler. The rules are awfully complicated. Anyway, both of us here… Yeah, it’s awkward… But fortunately she resides the 7th circle, so we rarely see each other.


    • Hell’s rules are needlessly complex. Of course, they were written by someone else who has no stake in the hell business, as it were.

      I think most of what got you on the hellbound train was your headlessness. Many normal activities become sins when performed headless, like wedding ceremonies, movie premieres and appendectomies.

      You’re in the 1st or 2nd circle, I presume? Home of white-collar criminals?


  4. Freaking hilarious man, but I can prove that evolution is a big scary lie. Just ask yourself these questions…

    1.Which evolved first, male or female?
    2. How many millions of years elapsed between the first male and first female?
    3. Why hasn’t any extinct creature re-evolved after millions of years?
    5. Which came first:
    …the eye,
    …the eyelid,
    …the eyebrow,
    …the eye sockets,
    …the eye muscles,
    …the eye lashes,
    …the tear ducts,
    …the brain’s interpretation of light?
    6. How many millions of years between each in question 5?
    7. If we all evolved from a common ancestor, why can’t all the different species mate with one another and produce fertile offspring?
    8. List any of the millions of creatures in just five stages of its evolution showing the progression of a new organ of any kind. When you have done this, you can collect the millions of dollars in rewards offered for proof of evolution!
    9. Why is it that the very things that would prove Evolution (transitional forms) are still missing?
    10. Explain why something as complex as human life could happen by chance, but something as simple as a coin must have a creator. (Show your math solution.)
    11. Why aren’t any fossils or coal or oil being formed today?
    12. List 50 vestigial or useless organs or appendages in the human body.
    13. Why hasn’t anyone collected the millions of dollars in rewards for proof of evolution?
    14. If life began hundreds of millions of years ago, why is the earth still under populated?
    15. Why hasn’t evolution duplicated all species on all continents?

    In the interest of full disclosure, I cut and posted the questions from a cool, smart site for us fundamentalists. I wouldn’t want to steal anyone’s intellectual property or anything. Did you check out that site I gave you yet? Just google RR BB and it’ll come up first. And read my latest blog when you get a chance, you of all people should appreciate it.


    • Those are solid, thought-provoking questions. My rebuttal is also copy and pasted, but I can’t remember who said it:

      “Why is it, especially in America, that if I say I’m an evolutionist and you say you’re a creationist, that the burden of proof always falls to me?”

      I did check out that site, but it angried up my blood. I decided that, being unconverted, I would be interfering with the preaching. I’m on my way to your site now…

      12. WTF? 50 organs and appendages? Surely 2 or 3 would be answer enough at this state in evolution…


  5. I guess I must be really simple, but I am absolutely jazzed about Jesus on dinosaurs. I’d like to see a movie about Jesus, the dino-rider. I bet J.C. was an awesome Edmontosaurus trick rider.


    • It’s true, RR. Jesus had quite the repertoire of tricks. The Edmontosaurus on the half-pipe was amazing. Especially when Jesus took it up for a 720. Once they crashed back to earth, the cleanup crew began rebuilding the halfpipe. No encores.

      Great to see you, RR.


  6. Yea, those sites angry up my blood as well. It’s like an addiction though, I keep going back to see what they are going to say next. I also found another site that streamlines the craziest things that they say every month…..FSTDT=Fundies say the darndest things.

    I agree 50 seems like a rather high number. You’d think that the appendix and male nipples would suffice.


    • Yeah, you would think so. Or you could answer that one with, “Well, your brain to begin with, “Dr.” Creation. And after that, it all sort of seems extraneous.”


  7. I am a zoologist and my major professor in grad school was an evolutionary biologist…so don’t get me started. And I say this as someone who is part of the wider Christian tradition…they are an embarrassment.


    • FJ, I’ll try not to get you started, knowing the minute I do, you’ll be miles away from your keyboard out doing something scientific in the middle of nowhere.

      Thanks for stopping in, FJ. And thanks for the great comment.


  8. Professor Genius,

    I’m stuck on all of Scott’s stolen questions, but I love your answer.

    This blog was fun and reminiscent of Dana Carvey as Church Lady.


    • Thanks, Claire.

      There’s no arguing with some people. It did kinda have an annoyingly superior tone to it, didn’t it? Good call on the Church Lady.

      That’s how I imagine most people are once they’ve worked their way up into the crazy-religious food chain. High on life and smug self-satisfaction.


  9. Ah my friend, I can see you’re now ready to handle the following website. Rapture Ready.

    http://www.raptureready.com/

    Enjoy…. thanks for a fun post.

    –John/truth and rocket science


    • John, thanks for the comment.

      I took a look at the rapture site. They have some very interesting theories on why we are in the “end times.” From what I picked up in the Photorama section

      (http://www.raptureready.com/photo/signs/rap83ee.html)

      the signs are: Israel, radioactivity, smartphones, gay pride parades, the Pope, drunken college chicks making out with each other, tornadoes, hurricanes and earthquakes. Compelling stuff. Reads like the exemption list from my home insurance.

      They seem especially afraid of knowledge.

      http://www.raptureready.com/photo/signs/link14.html

      Increasing knowledge is known to cause issues with faith-based religions, often causing them to be discarded for something a little less “stupid.”

      You have a fascinating site, John. Heavy, but worthwhile stuff. I’ll try to stop by there more in the future.

      Thanks for visiting, John.


  10. Hey Capitalist Lion Tamer, Thanks for the nice words on my stuff. I ‘preciate it. I come your way, by the way, by way of Barely Knit Together and Just Making Convo. Roaming round blogs of friends and discovering new stuff. I’ll look forward to hearing from you on the site. Be well! –John



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