This Week’s Featured Soap Operas

August 25, 2009
... except you. You're adopted.

... except you. You're adopted.

This week on All My Children
A horrible secret from Bianca’s past comes back to haunt her, mainly by opening cupboard doors and flipping the lights on and off. At a dinner party, Greenlee discovers Leo’s autobiography manuscript and drunkenly mocks him. Maggie slips into something “more comfortable.” Bianca handles some exposition. Kendall gets a surprise late night phone call from her podiatrist, resulting in a frantic search for size 4EEE shoes. Zach visits an ATM. Babe asks Dixie to lend her $50 for “gas and whatever, until Friday.” JR Chandler holds rocks glass; stares intently into mid-distance.

OLTL debuts their Jeopard crossover.

OLTL debuts their Jeopardy crossover.

This week on One Life to Live
Rex discovers he has brain cancer; begins physician-ordered regimen of heavy drinking and spousal abuse. Agnes threatens to “choke a bitch.” Nigel makes a string of thoughtful and cautious investments. Natalie gets a good night’s rest after a short, uneventful day. Oliver deals with an embarrassing issue when his check is declined at the liquor store. Bo blames her latest embezzlement attempt on her glaucoma. Addie installs new windshield wipers. Jared and Charlie work together to track down source of disembodied voices speaking earlier lines of dialogue.



  1. Wow, are you bored or something? Gosh, is Chandler still alive? Gosh, isn’t he like…90 or something?

    • All good questions, Vicki.

      1. Sometimes. Usually while I’m at work.
      2. Yes.
      3. More or less. According to Soap Opera Digest Chandler is “a spry 103” and “the glue that holds the show together.”

      Thanks for visiting, Vicki. Hope to see you again.

    • Its funny, I remember watching One Life to Life and General Hospital when I was in High School.
      And that was a long time ago…
      I can’t believe so many of the original characters are still around! Its actually kind of scary when you think about it! I do agree, Chandler is a kewl guy…does he still have his retarded (sorry mentally challenged) brother around, or did they somehow kill him off with some rare incurable disease?

    • To be completely honest Vicki, I have no idea. I just kind of based this off a variety of soap cliches mixed with a combination of the mundane and horrific.

      I remember seeing a few episodes of General Hospital, as it was always on in the lunch room of one of the places I worked. This would be about 10-12 years ago, so I would imagine I could jump right back into the story lines with no problem.

  2. CLT,

    The fact that you work, write verbosely-witty and thought provoking pieces, put your pants on one leg at a time then review bands that make gold records AND watch soap operas…well needless to say you are beyond brilliant. When do you have time to eat? (although judging by your avatar I’m guessing that you make time)

    I love it when JR Chandler stares intently into mid-distance…it always makes me wonder what the hell is going on in that method-actor like brain of his.

    I’m surprised you didn’t mention Erica Kane though.

    I heard through the grapevine that finally, after being in the running for 147 years, she is going to take home the Daytime Emmy this year.

    Personally I think she’s a shoe-in, especially after that emotional monologue she did when the Pine Valley police arrested her for drinking and driving her all-terrain mobility scooter across the neighbors front lawn…

    It brought the house down.

    • I put my pants on one leg at a time mainly because I have only one leg. As for my eating habits, I only eat with my pants on, for sanitary reasons.

      Hahaha! I am, of course, just kidding. I eat like everyone else, one leg at a time.

      Hoho! Again, I kid. I am not, I repeat, not a cannibal no matter what words may have escaped my keyboard.

      To sum up: two legs, no cannibalism.

      As for Erica Kane, I’m surprised I didn’t mention her either. I really should start proofreading this stuff.

      Good luck to Erica Kane, 167 years young and still full of the piss and vinegar that has seen her routinely arrested.

      Great to see you again, bschooled.

    • bschooled, didn’t Erica Kane receive an Emmy about a decade ago. It was funny, no one in the audience could smile due to so much botox!

      Its simple, if they want to end the show, just give everyone in Pine Valley the H1N1 Flu vaccine!

  3. Hilarious! This week on General Hospital: A surprising lack of surgery and doctor/hospital related events. Yet still, an awful lot of other saucy hijinx…Vicki’s affair with her incubus (Rolf) suddenly becomes even more complicated when Rolf suggests a three-way with a lamp. Jack learns that his wife, Masha is not only a spy, but a Balkan – and is having a lesbian affair with party girl Manuela Rickers — complications (none surgery related, of course) ensue. Dr. Hisberg’s back-story grows more tedious. Julie’s attempts to hide her humpback go awry at a swimming party. Roger has sex with himself and gives himself a nasty does of chlamydia juice. STD’s occur. His pubic lice are resentful. Gene asks the question, “Am I a boy or a girl?” Since everyone hates Gene, no one bothers to answer. Dr. Frank Liniman and Dr. Alan Upshaw are upset, disgusted, and appalled by their Portuguese caddies. Erica loses her mansion and must pawn her jewels – prostitution ensues.

    • Someone has been reading over my shoulder, gazing at my scrawled pages of unwritten posts. They also seem to be gazing into the future (located entirely above my shoulder) as I have yet to actually scrawl this one out.

      Well played, Rex Morgan (can I call you Rex Morgan?). That General Hospital is certainly full of horrible diseases and awkward social interaction, much like every family reunion since the 1983 Toilet-Seat Herpes outbreak.

      Thanks for the astounding comment, Rex. I think you’re not so much a Doctor as a “true wit.”

  4. Capitalist, I take umbrage at your mocking of soap operas. I had to live this crap every day of my life growing up. Haven’t you read TannerLeah’s book?

    • You know, I haven’t. I’ve read his posted excerpts including the one that told me his entire book might be blank:


      I’m sorry if you take umbrage, but please don’t leave in a huff. Money’s a little tight this week, and I don’t think I can spring for an umbrage-hauling huff at this point. If you can just stick around for another hour or so, I can give you (and your umbrage) a ride.

      Thanks for the comment, elizabeth. Always great to see you.

    • On second thought, since I seem to be experiencing a protracted ‘lull’, perhaps some racy soap operatic tidbits may convey added zest to my otherwise prosaic life (so glad to read this is happening to ‘other people’). Great post as always.

    • I may have some more racy tidbits on the way soon, elizabeth. The blog recipe calls for “Zest of Soap (optional).”

  5. I’ll have you know that my daughter and I are fighting over you…guess I have a little ‘soap saga’ left after all.

  6. He’s mine.

    • Bebe-
      Thanks for stopping in. I’ve heard a little about you, and as I like to say, “Any fan of mine is a friend of mine.”

      I like to say it. Repeatedly. Followed by what is supposed to pass for a “wry chuckle.”

      Others tend to get tired of it very quickly, with a noise that tends to be described as “brusque annoyance.”

      By the way, I’m still waiting for your critique on the Taman Shud post.

  7. You can have tannerleah…no, wait, that’s your uncle.

  8. Ladies –
    I’ll take tannerleah, if that will stop the infighting, the likes of which I have never seen outside of a soap opera. I mean, he’s not my uncle or anything, although we share the same contempt for every politician on the planet.

    It will be awkward at first (me and tannerleah) because of the whole blog-on-blog action, which Ms. California is so vehemently and airheadedly against, but I assume we’ll work through it with copious amounts of shouting, obscenities and angry pounding on the keyboard.

    Give him a heads-up, would you? I mean, he really can’t be expecting this, can he?

    • Please leave me out of this mess. It always starts well…flirtatious e-mails, photos being swapped, etc.

      Then it leads to one party parked outside of the house of the other in a 78 Pinto with a ball peen hammer, rope, chloroform, duct tape, and various sexual instruments.

      Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

    • Tannerleah sure knows how to throw a party.

  9. Whoah… Do blogs get groupies?
    Freakin’ sweet.

  10. I wish all my children had one life to life. Holy water, silver bullets, or a crucifix slows them down, but they keep coming back and back and back…

    • Hahahaha!!!

      I’m just going to let that one ride…

      Brilliant, RR.

  11. I got nothin’ to say.
    I’m just going to keep laughing and go away!

    • That’s probably for the best. The comment thread sort of derailed early on, and not even RR could get it back on track.

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