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Most Popular Occupations for Online University Graduates

August 22, 2009
Your online university: offering such diverse courses as solitaire and avatar-bungling

Your online university: offering such diverse courses as solitaire and avatar-bungling

Congratulations [insert name here]! Your hard work has paid off. After a grueling 22 hours in 8 weeks of online courses, you have now completed the coursework necessary for a degree in [insert choice here].

Your diploma and degree should arrive in 6-8 weeks, possibly sooner, if we can find someone who knows how to install a dot matrix printer ribbon.

Once again, congratulations and best wishes on your continued success in life! [omit sarcastic laughter]

If you have received this form letter, please take the time to review our list of Most Popular Occupations for Online University Graduates. Remember your degree is somewhat open-ended because of our lack of state certification. Many of the occupations listed may intersect tangentially with your course of study. Thanks for your business and we hope to see you again and again.

If you have yet to enroll, please see some of our available courses here.

Most Popular Occupations

  • Dianetician (additional study needed for Bachelor of Scientology)
  • Phrenologist
  • Clip Art Wrangler
  • Sexpert
  • Aromatherapist
  • Frivolous Lawyer
  • Chain Mail Author
  • Envelope Stuffer
  • Mixologist
  • TS Prostitute Sexer
  • Netscaper
  • File Sharer
  • Plasma Marketer
  • Squire
  • Alcoholic
  • Pirate (Music)
  • Pirate (Somali)
  • Pirate (Yarrrrr)
  • File Naming Conventioneer
  • Collections (Credit Card)
  • Collections (RIAA, ASCAP)
  • Collections (Student Loans)
  • Scam Artist
  • Scam Victim
  • Mathmagician
  • Online University Career Counselor
  • Clothes Horse
  • Pommel Horse
  • Reality Show Contestant
  • Reality Show Host
  • Blogger
  • Currently Unemployed
  • Jiffy Lube Technician
  • Jiffy Pop Technician
  • Narc
  • Miner (Data)
  • Miner (Outdoor)
  • Miner (Canary – interns only)
  • Creationist
  • Accidental Parent
  • Alarm Clock and Toaster Repair
  • Universal Remote Setup Technician
  • Petty Crook
  • Insurance Adjuster
  • Lobbyist
  • Clive F. Cussler Co-Author
  • Fancy Plans… Fact Checker
  • Death Panelist
  • “Skanky” Model
  • Interpretive Exotic Dancer
  • World of Warcraft Guild Leader
  • Dirk Cussler
  • Lead Singer – Nickelback
  • Crocodile Hunter
  • Wedding Planner (3rd and up Marriages)
  • “Libarian”
  • Religious Cult Member
  • Department Store Santa Claus
  • Radioshack Battery Club Member
  • Journalist
  • Drugstore Cowboy
  • Rhinestone Cowboy
  • Breast Inspector
  • Meth Manufacturer
  • Meth Dealer
  • Parolee
  • Boxing Promoter

-CLT

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13 comments

  1. I was such an idiot to go to regular college and get a bachelor’s degree. I should’ve just saved all of that money and time and obtained an online degree. So many career options that I can’t choose just one,. Sexpert looks good, but theory is always different than practice. Scam artist sounds good except I was born with a conscious.

    and don’t think I didn’t notice blogger in there!


    • Claire, sexpert is never all it’s cracked up to be, what with so many different orientations and deviations to contend with. There’s no way to cover all the bases, unless you can hit an early double, landing you on second base, and, while your opponent is distracted, steal home.

      Scam artistry works the same way, only with less chance of a pregnancy.

      Blogger was in there? I really have to start proofreading these…

      Thanks for the great comment, Claire. Always a pleasure seeing you.


  2. Great! I’m very interested in a few of these exciting career opportunities! How can I find more information on:
    Pirate (Yarrrrr)
    Scam Artist – I have read ‘Matchstick Men’ and ‘Catch Me if You Can,’ and saw the movies as well.
    Death Panelist
    Dirk Cussler- It would just be so cool!
    Drugstore Cowboy- I have a lot of experience.
    Breast Inspector- I’m willing to learn.

    Can you please send info? I’ll send you all of my credit card information.

    PS- I already have an exciting degree in the Criminal Justice field. I trained on-line to be an exciting Correctional Officer but I haven’t been able to find a job so far. The nice man on the computer didn’t warn me that my being 5’4 and 120lb’s with a nervous condition and night blindness would be an issue when searching for a job. Please help???


    • Scott, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. While there are still openings in the Pirate and Drugstore Cowboy fields, due mainly to mismanagement and general outdatedness, the Scam Artist field is full up. Plenty of openings for Victims though.

      Death Panelist still seems to be in limbo and Tannerleah has already volunteered to send several seniors to an early grave. Well, to a grave anyway. “Early” would seem to be oxymoronic in this sense.

      Dirk Cussler – Unfortunately, Dirk Cussler has already stepped up to fill this position, exclaiming, “That’s my name!”

      Breast Inspector – Dirk Cussler has already filled this position, exclaiming “Boobies!!!”

      Thanks for your interest. Please leave all credit card information in the comment boxes.

      Best of luck in your new career. Perhaps if they start letting you apply and interview for the correctional job online, you can play yourself off as someone more suited for the job. Maybe you could use that “16 yr old w/34 DD” persona to your advantage. If nothing else, you’ll meet plenty of uncorrected criminals still wandering the wilds of the Internet.

      Thanks for the outstanding comment, Scott. Wonderful to see you again.


  3. Nice to see the Squire making a comeback.


    • It’s been a long time coming, Don. It fell out of favor well over 800 years ago, but the recent increase in mounted policemen and mounted Canadian Mounties has created a booming market for young people with an enthusiasm for abuse, heavy lifting and horseshit.

      Great to see you, Don. Thanks for stopping in.


  4. Great post, CLT,

    I actually graduated from a Cyber-University here in my LAN, and let me tell you it’s changed my life.
    I majored in Mortal Kombat myself, but unfortunately they eliminated the program in 2006(apparently the “Hara-Kiri” move was causing students to virtually drop like flies).

    And let me tell you, even though I’m not being compensated in tangible dollars, the well-obscured respect and looks of fear I’ve received from my friends and family has made it all worthwhile.

    (not only that, I can throw a Low Kick, High Punch, High Punch, Down + High Punch like nobody’s business)

    I think I might go back and get my Rhinestone Cowboy/Pommel Horse next…


    • Something about Mortal Kombat always brings out the virtual fly-dropping. Perhaps it’s the whole “Way of the LAN” that brings young pasty virgins together to collectively work on their CRT tans.

      It’s one thing to work because you have to. It’s quite another to work because it keeps your family and friends away from you. Obviously the latter is more satisfying, hence the popularity of MLM and towel-sculpting.

      I too am somewhat in awe of your various punches and kicks. I imagine your fatalities have garnered you the extra attention of law enforcement and various mounted Canadian Mounties.

      Little known fact: the announcer’s call to “FINISH HIM” was quoted/sampled from the headmaster of the “Happy Endings Massage Parlor,” who always had his mind on his money and his money on his mind. Oh, and a stopwatch.

      Thanks for the visit and comment, bschooled. Great to see you.


  5. Being that I’ve been ‘dry’ for the last fifteen (MISERABLE) years, perhaps I can go back and get a graduate degree in alcoholism. My thesis will be a cakewalk.

    My, my, my, Capitalist, what a nimble mind you have…reading your words is like a visit to the literary Louvre (I don’t know whether to bow or curtsy).


    • It certainly can’t hurt that you have previous experience. Perhaps they’ll even let you teach the class. I’m not sure how one acquires virtual tenure, but I would imagine it’s worth every penny.

      Thanks for the kind words, Elizabeth. Always good to see you. Bowing and curtsying are unnecessary. Just slip a $5 in the tip jar.


  6. All these years I thought I was a loser. I even thought about giving up the glue. After reading this, I’m like a scholar or a doctor or something.


    • That stuff you’re sniffing is the glue that holds the fabric of society together. If you give it up, where will you be? Where will all of us be?

      In appreciation for your inhalation efforts, I would like to bestow the honorary title of “Mr. Dr. Sir Ramblin’ Rooster” on you. This title is courtesy of the Sick Days Finishing School for One-Liners and Long-Winded Anecdotes.


  7. I will “stick it” to the wall immediately. I am honored sir!



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