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Letters to the Editor

August 14, 2009
Our art department honed their skills publishing the company newsletter, which was distributed alternate Tuesdays in the breakroom

Our art department honed their skills publishing the company newsletter, which was distributed alternate Tuesdays in the breakroom

In our endless efforts to collect as much useless information as possible, our research team at Fancy Plans has compiled the letters to the editor from nearly 300 major newspapers (including AP, those litigious motherfuckers). After several days of sifting data and making shit up, the final tallies rolled in.

We now present you with the most common topics for letters to the editor, listed in order from most common to least common. There’s no need to thank us. Your slightly drunken smiles are all the payment our abused interns need.

Questioning periodical’s political leanings
Abortion rights (against)
Abortion rights (for)
Low voter turnout
Gun control (for)
Gun control (against)
Gun control (undecided)
Gay marriage (against)
Gay marriage (for)
Gay marriage announcements

Taxes (too high)
Taxes (too low – gasoline)
Taxes (too low – cigarettes)
Taxes (too low – porn)
Taxes (drunken rambling about the price of cigarettes and porn)
Taxes (pro-Tea Party)
Taxes (anti-Tea Party)
Taxes (Biggest and Best State evar!) 

How the old days were better
Reckless driving (teens)
Reckless driving (elderly)
Calls for a four-way intersection to be installed directly in front of writer’s house
Why did the library stop “renting” videotapes?

City councilman baiting 

Oil prices too high
Oil prices too low (Al Gore; Prius dealers only)
Why ethanol is a waste of money
Why ethanol is the best thing since overpriced produce

"It was such a beautiful day, too. It's a shame more people didn't turn out to support whoever the hell this is at whatever the hell this event was..."

"It was such a beautiful day, too. It's a shame more people didn't turn out to support whoever the hell this is at whatever the hell this event was..."

Congratulations for all involved at poorly-attended local event
Complaints about low turnout at poorly-attended local event
Why “X” needs more public money for “Y”
Why property taxes need to be raised
Public school suxx
Public school roxx
Public school = free babysitting!

Complaints about public’s ignorance of obscure nationality-specific quasi-holiday
Inappropriate language in PG movie
Inappropriate language at local baseball game
Inappropriate language at Denny’s

Conspiracy theories (birth certificate)
Conspiracy theories (Sept. 11)
Conspiracy theories (Billy Mays + Freemasons + U.N. + Grand Theft Auto IV = Four Horseman of the Apocalypse)
Conspiracy theories (My two apartment neighbors are stealing my paper, alternating days)

Astroturf grab bag

Church attendance (too low)
Church attendance (too high – c’mon folks, chip in. The folding chairs won’t pay for themselves.)
Utility bills (too high)
Utility bills (conspiracy theory crossovers)
Utility infielder (Mark Bellhorn)

Disagreements about Top 50 Songs of the New Millennium (misdirected from Spin magazine?)
Griping about lack of support for piss poor local team
Unruly zoo animals
Lists of platitudes
Drunken tirades
Inexplicable defenses of Liz Taylor; Diana Ross

Medicare Plan B not covering brand name medication, 14K Gold MedicAlert bracelets, Enzyte
Medicare Plan B not covering jack shit, apparently
I’m sorry. Could you speak up? I’m a little hard of hearing.

The bad service the writer got at local business no one gives a shit about
Not enough handicapped parking spaces at local business no one gives a shit about
Owner of local business that no one gives a shit about defending lack of parking spaces, jackass employees and begging people to please, please, please start giving a shit

Concern about lack of coverage given to issue near and dear to only the writer
Irritable letter displaying the writer’s false sense of entitlement
Pointlessly bitchy letter in response to large number of recent pointlessly bitchy letters
Wandering, pointless letters about cats, landscaping issues, Mad Dog 20/20, etc.
Letter from Mom (put in wrong envelope)

Well written, thought-provoking letters

-CLT

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10 comments

  1. I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter to an editor unless you count book queries! Even I won’t stoop that low to beg for publication!


    • I hear that. Besides, they chop out all the large and sweary words and take your 3,500 word critique on hot button topic #232 and grind it down to 150 words.

      That’s not America.

      This is America. *indicates blog and comment box*

      No limits. No one slapping my hand away from the “Publish” button while shouting, “You’ve had enough, man!”

      This is also Canada. I would hate to leave some of our favorite bloggers out of the loop with my fiercely patriotic statement.


  2. Re: 100 – Funhouse mirrors.

    Re: 101 – We can’t all ride the monorail all the time. Leave that shit for Disneyland.


  3. That is the coolest music stand I’ve ever seen!


    • Well, I don’t want to come off as some sort of elitist prick, but I knew that music stand way back, and it was a lot cooler before it sold out and ended up in that heavily-trafficked park.

      Great to see you, RR.


  4. Behind the Music Stand… tell me more, tell me more…


    • RR is threatening to turn this comment thread into a Grease chorus. I refuse to comply and will now go stab my brain repeatedly to remove all traces of Travolta and Newton-John.


    • Good lord. I thought the same thing. Go ahead and sing along CLT. you know you want to:


    • Oh god…

      my brain…

      on fire…

      P.S. please if you get a chanse put some flowrs on Algernons grave in the bak yard.


  5. 🙄

    I was afraid that would give you seizures.

    I bought that book for my 14 year old to read. He loved it.



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