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Condé Nast Publication’s 2009 Magazine Lineup

August 13, 2009

There are many who have stated that print media is dying. Well, it is, but let’s not let that spoil its last breaths. CondéNast, pusher of fine magazines everywhere has spent the last several years perfecting its lineup, trying to pinpoint exact demographics in hopes of a sale. How exact? See for yourself.

The adult bookstore hadn't been the same since Rudy Giuliani took over

The adult bookstore hadn't been the same since Rudy Giuliani took over

Ostentatious Bullshit Monthly (also includes four yearly specialty issues: Cigar Smoking Asshole, Third Wives’ Gazette; Bugatti Waiting List and Platinum: the Gold Standard)

1,001 Olestra Recipes

Hustler, Jr.

Celebrity Convict Personals

Aztek Enthusiast

Grit High Society

Plaything (a TS/TV offshoot of Playboy, Inc.)

Games Special Edition: Global Thermonuclear War

The Packrat Post (published 4-6 times daily)

Impromptu Fly Swatter Tabloid (featuring tapered pages, lower center of gravity than competing tabloids)

Narcissiste! (printed on reflective Mylar)

1,001 Cleopatra Compilations

Kiplinger’s Guide to Failed Magazines

Fad Diet Enthusiast (a division of O Publications)

1,001 Crochet Projects (Sweater ideas for everyone: From your dachshund to your Real Doll)

Women’s Cycling Monthly (Missing an issue? Contact your physician.)

AARP Swimsuit Issue

Paul Mitchell’s Haircut 100

Roadside Graffittist

Rape Allegation Weekly (a division of NFL Publications)

101 Home Remedies (contains about 50% disclaimers; 30% Merck ads)

Phrenology Today

Mathmagician!

Mailbag (Nothing but Letters to the Editor!)

American Philatelist (It’s stamp collecting, perverts.)

Conde Nast Annual Corrections and Retractions Issue (2009 issue features over 400 pages of blown calls, sketchy research and half-assed reporting)

HAM Radio Enthusiast (This issue dedicated to all three of you.)

Thrilling Private Eye Stories! (Specializing in divorce, insurance fraud)

Have You Seen Me? (Public awareness magazine brought to you by the US Dairy Council and Concerned Citizens of America: Got kids?)

Dateless Wonder Personals (Thousands of weekly reasons why some people should be single.)

The American Journal of Creationism (Now with 70% more rhetoric; 40% less research!)

Flute World (Tablatures for Jethro Tull and… um… hmmm…. Zamfir!)

4-Color Printing Errors (Or could be the latest issue of Wired. Looks like the CMYK offset may be intentional? Wired it is!)

The American Journal of Serious American Journalism (Subscriptions by invitation only, you filthy bloggers!)

GQ Ads-Only Year End Spectacular (Smells fantastic!)

World’s Best Soylent Green Recipes (A division of People.)

Them Magazine (We’ve been against US Magazine since day one.)

-CLT

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12 comments

  1. Fine publications all (with the possible exception of that damned Soylent Green rag!)

    Phrenology today is a personal favourite. Damned lost art if you ask me.

    Excellent post (once again) CLT. I suspect your skull must be one interesting read.

    Don


  2. Don forgot to mention that he also subscribes and submits to AARP Swimsuit Issues.

    Dateless Wonder Personals competes with http://www.Craigslist.org


    • CC! Great to see you.

      The subscription was understandable but submitting? Oh. My. Various Sumerian dieties.

      Excellent point on craigslist. No wonder everyone is always unhappily suing them.

      Thanks for visiting, Claire.


  3. Is Olestra the stuff that makes you poop a little everytime you sit down or walk?


    • It sure is. Also coughing, sneezing, laughing, burping or moving upright from a reclining or seated position (you know, like getting up from the toilet you’ve been on all day).

      Great to see you, TL.


  4. Tablatures for Jethro Tull You’re killing me CLT. What, no mag for Clive F**king Cussler? Funny as always.


    • Hey, FJ! Great to see your nomadic face again.

      Those tablatures come with stage directions as well, so you can properly prance and mince in a somewhat metal fashion.

      Did I omit Clive F. Cussler? Must be an oversight due to our panicky legal team, whose Vicodin has just run out.

      Ceast-and-desist order? Sounds like a dare to me.


  5. I was sad to see Capitalist Lion Tamer weekly or journal or times or digest. Also I’m thinking of signing up my son for Hustler Jr. This seems like the best way to avoid an awkward conversation.


    • The CLT publishing plans are still up in the air, what with my constant mockery of print journalism.

      However, Hustler Jr. will do nicely. The mag’s motto is: “The Best Way to Avoid an Awkward Conversation.”

      Have fun with it, RR.


  6. I’m already elbow deep!


    • Is that the yearly bonus issue? That’s an incredibly descriptive title. I imagine it sells well. They always do.



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