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Our Sincerest Apologies: Retractions and Corrections

July 29, 2009
The Fancy Plans Mailroom - where the "magic" happens, as Juanita will find out, shortly before filing a sexual harassment suit.

The Fancy Plans Mailroom - where the "magic" happens, as Juanita will find out, shortly before filing a sexual harassment suit.

Over the past seven months, we at Fancy Plans have made over 300 posts, most of them riddled with errors, false statements and speculation. Whether this can be chalked up to laziness, stupidity or ignorance remains to be seen. One thing is for sure: our mailroom is starting to fill up.

In an attempt to clear the slate heading into the back half of the year, Fancy Plans would like to issue the following corrections and retractions:

Our slogan is: “You’ve got questions? We’ve got answers.” Not: “You’ve got questions? We’ve got questions. Wanna fuck?” (Radio Shack)

Arizona and Indiana are not the freak states, despite their refusal to join the rest of the nation’s proud, but outdated, tradition of Daylight Savings Time. A joint statement issued by representatives of both states reads: “Not only will we not show up at work at the wrong time twice a year, but when the revolution comes, you know who will be ahead of the curve. That’s right, baby. The “freaks!” I think. Unless the revolution starts in the spring. And in the fall… I guess we’d be arriving at the same time… Viva la revolucion!” (The Freak States)

ASCAP and its worldwide associates are not solely comprised of “thug-like shakedown artists, whose dispassionate soullessness allows them to finally empathize with lawyers (even patent lawyers).” ASCAP points out: “We also have lawyers.” Touché. (ASCAP)

Snapple points out that, while they are “made of the best stuff on earth,” most Snapple drinks do not include elements of “titanium, platinum, uncut diamonds, black tar heroin, really fucking good acid, vegemite, Krispy Kreme donuts, weapons-grade plutonium, additional brain cells, pixie dust, or the sperm of several Nobel Prize winners.” (Snapple)

Dirk Cussler, unlike Jimmy Carter, can “fart and chew bubblegum at the same time.” Video evidence was provided, but required the installation of RealPlayer. So you’ll just have to take our word for it. (Dirk Cussler Trust Fund, LLC.)

Our art department would like to apologize for being

Our art department would like to apologize for being "too literal" when bogarting retraction photos.

The estate of Jim Morrison would like to point out that his nickname was not “Van” as previously stated several times. It was “Jimmy,” like all good American boys. His mother would also like to point out that she “does not believe that Jimmy ever showed his penis in public,” and that she “was only propositioned once or twice by Jim, at the most,” blaming it on his absinthe usage. (Estate of James “Jimmy Van M” Morrison)

Nietzsche did not coin the phrase: “Say it with flowers.” (FTD)

At no time, in the New Testament or Old, does the Bible refer to God “laying his pimp hand down.” (Strong’s Concordance)

Clive Cussler’s middle name is not “Fucking.” It is “Eugene.” (C. F. Cussler’s Adventure Novel Mill)

ASCAP does not consider the statement, “Sure, other people can hear my music, but I can guarantee they’re not enjoying it,” to be a legitimate denial of wrongdoing. (ASCAP, again)

Printing someone’s unlisted address and phone number is not a victimless crime, according to lawyer Joseph Merritt, who lives at 3431 Placid Terrace, Ft. Lauderdale, FL. The best time to reach him is after 6 pm (EST) at his home number (805) 421-1991. (Stevenson Law Firm of Ft. Lauderdale)

General note: the pants have rarely matched the plan. Sorry for the confusion. (CLT)

Chad Kroeger (Nickelback) has apparently won several fights with kiddie pools (and other inanimate objects) despite earlier reports. Also mentioned in this retraction request: Gwenyth Paltrow v. mirror, Keanu Reeves v. folding chair and Scott Stapp (Creed) v. “Pull” door. (We Can Smart Anti-Defamation League)

President Barack Obama has not “gone one toke over the line.” (Office of the President)

Smoking, drinking and drugs are not cool, despite all evidence to the contrary. So go to bed, kids and give mom/moms/dad/dads back his/her/their computer and paraphernalia. (D.A.R.E.)

Neither is all that excessive swearing. (Mom)

WordPress.com would like to point out that we do not actually have a “mailroom” and should drop this conceit as soon as possible. (WordPress.com)

The art department also thought this would be "clever." They have since been told that they are not paid to think, or at all from this point on.

The art department also thought this would be "clever." They have since been told that they are not paid to think, or at all from this point on.

Eric Clapton’s nickname is not “Pimp Hand.” Please refrain from using this or any other derogatory terms when referring to His Holiness, God II. Also, you already used the pimp joke earlier. (Clapton Publicity, LLC. aka “Voice of God”)

My blog may not contain the exact address of my Bacharach Men’s Fashion store, but I have left several clues like “Vernon Hills” and “Cubs game.” In fact, I’d like to think my site combines the visceral thrill of reading ad copy with the blustering excitement of a round of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? (Phil Alper:4U2C)

Your continued refusal to purchase medicine at outposts and general stores will greatly increase the chance of a party member dying of dysentery. (Oregon Trail Historical Society and Event Generator)

Help! I’m stuck in your spam filter! (Ramblin’ Rooster)

-CLT

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18 comments

  1. Hey CLT,

    Wonderful list. As always, of course.

    I meant to leave a comment here about 75 minutes ago, but a Clive Cussler related issue came up.

    Then I needed about 10 minutes to compose myself…

    I was disappointed to learn that Indiana and Arizona are not the freak states, as I had created a strong “Freak State Ad Campaign” on them. I was likening Indiana to “The Bearded Woman” and Arizona to “The Fat Man” Shame about this. We really had some buzz going.

    Glad to hear you’re finally sorted out on ASCAP. I also have a campaign going for them as well: “ASCAP – We’re No Longer Fat, Old and White. We’re Corpulent, Superannuated and Caucasian.”

    Neat fact: Snapple used to have cocaine in it. And separated pig snouts.

    Dirk Cussler… Well, hahaha, I may be “Cusslered out” for the night. We’ll see… (Whoops, what’s that in my mailbox?)

    Nietzsche used to skip about the room singing “My name is Nietzsche/And I’m really peachy” (true story – I read it on a bathroom wall.)

    Finally, Ha, I don’t know about the other inanimate objects, but I don’t thiink Chad Kroeger (Nickelback) ever won any of his fights with kiddie pools. It’s ironic that such a shallow man can’t beat shallow water, but it’s true.


    • Hahaha!!!

      Tussling with Cussler, eh? That man certainly gets around, spreading good cheer and STDs with his collection of expensive but leaky condoms.

      Some excellent additions to our retractions. If I know my math (and god knows, I don’t) we should be breaking even. Now that our karma is back to neutral, I can feel the heavy pull of mischief’s surprisingly strong hand (and oddly gentle touch) dragging me back to the dark side.

      There will no doubt be retractions upon these retractions, so don’t despair. The minute I get all of this sorted out is the minute I shut down this blog forever (read: 7-10 days).

      As for Kroeger, I believe the old saying bears repeating here: Shallow water seeks its own level, you fucking moron.

      Get some sleep, Alan.


  2. I am so proud to be in a freak state. Ain’t nobody making me get up an hour earlier than normal.

    Are you sure Clive’s middle name is Eugene?

    I have an incredible urge to call or visit Joseph Merritt.

    OMG poor Rooster was stuck in Spam for a really long time. I’m so glad he isn’t there anymore. I thought for sure someone was going to eat him.

    By the way, 7-10 days? don’t you dare!


    • I’ll run these down briefly.

      1. There’s nothing wrong with being a freak. Life expectancy hovers around 50, though.

      2. As far as I’m concerned, his middle name will always be Fucking.

      3. Wait until after 6 pm.

      4. Yes. The spam filter needs to be cleaned “twice daily” according to the instructions, and I did promise WordPress I’d clean it every day when I brought the blog home with me…

      5. I wouldn’t. I’m as hooked on me as anyone else is.


    • Now I have to move. I want to live past 50.

      I think you’re right about Clive’s middle name.

      I waited until 4 am. Was that long enough?

      Ugh, I knew I forgot to do something. I can’t imagine how many things are stuck in there now.

      Gotta love a man with a healthy ego.

      As far as the car goes… I think you made that whole story up, but I can’t put my finger on what makes me think that way…


    • 1. Good move, moving.

      2. Damn straight, and his son too, Dirk Fucking Cussler.

      3. I don’t know. Did Joseph answer his phone?

      4. We all make promises we mean to keep, like feeding the fish or getting rid of the evidence.

      5. I hear me. I mean, you.

      6. It’s the truck full of Aquanet. Everyone knows they deliver by blimp.


  3. Also, I’m disappointed that the pants don’t really match the plans, but what is the story behind the burnt out hunk of metal gracing the top of the page?


    • Yeah, the name was always more clever than accurate.

      The story about the car…

      https://capitalistliontamer.wordpress.com/2009/05/21/about-that-car/

      It involves Johnny Depp.


    • CLT Said: “Yeah, the name was always more clever than accurate.”

      CC said: “I think that applies to most things on this blog!” 😉


    • Hahaha!

      “Fact-checking is for those anal pricks over at Wikipedia.” I have that slogan on my desk.


    • I come here for all of my real information about the world instead of going to wikipedia for that made up crap.


  4. Why the corrections…this all seems pretty true to me.


    • I thought so, too, but the lawyers see it differently at $130/hr.

      So while it may not be right or even fair, it is cheaper.


  5. I was reading, I was laughing (even out loud at times), then I got to the end. I cried. I am nothing but spam. Guess mother was right…


    • They always say the best comedy is built on sadness. The sadness of others, they go on to say if pressed. They’re always saying shit like that which is why we’re always taking up arms against them.

      Thanks for the comment, RR. Sorry about the terrible punchline. For a quick pick-me-up, check out Heavy Rotation Vol. 9. I hand-picked a track just for you.


  6. Which one was it?


  7. Oooooh, the Happy Mondays’ Cuntry Disco. Sorry for being such a ding bat. Please disregard the previous message.


  8. Disregards,

    CLT

    😉



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