Profiles in Uselessness: The Bible Thumper

July 23, 2009
Call this number now for prime real estate in heaven!

Call this number now for prime real estate in heaven!

The nemesis of normal people everywhere: the Bible Thumper. Well-versed (no pun intended, I think; or if you think it’s clever enough, then why the hell not…) in the parts they like of the Holy Bible, these do-gooders scour the world clean of any offensiveness, intended or not.

“Do-gooders” is actually a misnomer. These people tend to be more self-interested than many of the people they despise. They have somehow turned their knowledge of good and evil into a holier-than-thou weapon, to be wielded at the slightest provocation.

Someone said, “The eyes are the window to the soul.” (I think it was Malcolm X.) In the case of these freaks, their eyes are the window to your soul, every deep black sinful inch of it. You may come across one in their native habitat (church entryway, Bible bookstore, abortion protest) and even find them personable and cheery.

But step across that line inadvertently (and unless you’re a complete asshole, it will happen and it will be inadvertent) and the gates of holy judgement will slam shut, sealing you out and packing you neatly away into the overcrowded “Sinner” compartment. Once you’re in there, there is no coming back out, no matter how persuasive your arguments. YOU. ARE. WRONG.

Fortunately, these “Godlike” people tend to be human beings, and as such are hypocritical, deceitful, misguided and petty as any of us. Perhaps more so, since they suffer the delusion of being “chosen by God,” something that doesn’t hamstring the rest of us.

They also make lousy employees.

Good girls go to heaven. Amy Grant gets a Hollywood star. See you in hell, baby.

Good girls go to heaven. Amy Grant gets a Hollywood star. See you in hell, baby.

Former employers:

  • Hyvee Grocery Stores – Customer asked for location of Boca Burgers. X replied with, “Did you check the ‘fag’ section?”
  • Super 8 Motels – Demanded valid ID from any registering couples to ensure they were properly married, etc. “in God’s eyes.” Repeatedly disabling in-room movie service.
  • 7-11 Convenience Stores – Verbally assaulted Rainbo Breads delivery driver, raising questions about his sexual preference and insinuating that his truck was filled with young boys rather than delicious breads and pastries.
  • OfficeMax – Seemed to work fine, but we were all sick of her constant stories about whatever had offended her on TV the night before, told repeatedly and in clinical detail.
  • Omaha Zoo – Happened across two tapirs in mid-intercourse and stormed out, throwing Jack Chick tracts everywhere.
  • ACLU – Have we just stopped screening applicants altogether? What the fucking fuck?!?
  • The Good Bookery Christian Bookstore – Refused to stock or promoted “whore of Babylon” Amy Grant’s latest album; constant referral to “plain English” NIV translation as the “work of Satan.”
  • The Gap – Constant referral to our intricate shirt-folding instructions as “unnatural” and the “work of Satan;” also frequently commented on the “ungodly music” issued by our Gap radio network.
  • Gamestop – Kept taking all copies of Grand Theft Auto to the lockup behind the counter or out to the dumpster to burn, despite constant reminders that a.) she did not work here and b.) the police were on their way. Her response was, “Oh. Now you think law enforcement is ‘cool.’ We’ll discuss your open-world scenarios and prostitute beating with them.”
  • Make a Wish Foundation – Told child, “What horrible sin did you commit to earn your terminal illness? Stop crying, tears won’t cure brain cancer any more than wishing. What you need is prayer, God’s placebo.”

One of the way these Bible Thumpers display their “good works” is by joining various causes, forwarding chain letters and signing various petitions. Too secure in their own righteousness to be bothered by human compassion, facts or even spelling, the Thumpers take the road heavily travelled, paved with smug ignorance.

In their own way much like their polar opposite, the Wiccan liberal nature-worshipper, in that they both have better ideas on how everyone else should live their lives, where they should shop and go to school and what time they should all be in bed. These bi-polar twins also have something against sex, protected or otherwise. On one hand: it’s a sin. On the other: it’s breeding more earth-killing humans.

One Disney employee down, several thousand to go...

One Disney employee down, several thousand to go...

Here’s a brief look at what’s troubling the inboxes of bleeding-stigmata holy rollers these days:

Outrages/Protests/Petitions/Concerns/Chain Letters:

  • Harry Potter – Portrayal of magic, facial scars as acceptable to children.
  • Herbal Essence ads – Depiction of female orgasm as normal, enjoyable and even possible without outside assistance.
  • Dancing with the Stars – Female contestants dresses are too short – in both places. Some male stars sporting noticeable “bulges.”
  • WordPress.com – Host of several “questionable” blogs that traffic in, among other things:
    Wanton elevator-related lust
    Questioning of Ms. California’s purity
    Positive portrayal of convicted felons
    Depiction of roosters as capable of asexual reproduction
    Besmirching Rachel Ray’s purity; hosting weeklong slideshows
    Attempting to “talk” away the wages of sin through the pseudoscience of psychoanalysis
    Recommending alcohol usage; frequently taking the Lord’s name in vain
    Positive portrayal of non-Christian published writers
    Mocking suicide victims, which, although it is an affront to God, is still kind of awful and tasteless.
  • Obama’s Stimulus Plan – In my opinion, no one needs to be “stimulated.” It leads to diabetes, blindness and state-ordained genocide.
  • Hybrid vehicles – If God didn’t want us to use fossil fuels, He wouldn’t have killed off all the dinosaurs hundred of years ago.
  • Sick of dealing with arguments about the Bible’s many inconsistencies and contradictions? God made us in His image. Let’s return the favor by rewriting His book in ours.
  • RSS Feed for food-related miracles – Up for auction now:
    – Virgin Mary (tortilla)
    – Jesus (grilled cheese on wheat)
    – Billy Graham (Reuben on rye)
    – Mother Theresa (Gogurt spill)
    – Calvin pissing on Bhudda (Spicy Nacho Dorito)
  • Kellogg’s Corn Flakes – No longer the great anti-masturbatorial aid it once was.
  • World of Warcraft – More like World of Witchcraft, am I right, parents?
  • The Weather Channel – 10-day forecast: harmless projection or dangerous divination?
  • Petition to remove World Book Encyclopedias from the elementary school library – reasons listed:
    – References to the occult (O-Or) and satanism (S-Sl)
    – Information on other religions
    – Graphic depictions of the human reproductive system
    – Evolution portrayed as science
    – No references to the coming apocalypse
    – Everyone’s using Wikipedia anyway; we could stock the empty shelf space with all 28 volumes of Strong’s Concordance to the Bible
  • Letter to president of Believers In God’s Own Truth
  • Bring back the Hays Code!
  • Christmas – A time of family togetherness or a bacchanal of pagan rituals? December 25th wasn’t even Jesus’ birthday as the Jewish calendar wasn’t fully formed until the law firm of Lowestein, Schobel and Witz put one out towards the end of 1781.
  • Chain mail recipient and forwarder of any diatribe on these subjects:
    – Homosexuality
    – The ACLU doing anything about anything
    – Any “evidence” of a “one-world government”
    – Bring back 7th Heaven
    – Things not being the way they used to be
    – Prayer chain of healing for Martha Swinson, who just discovered a possible tumor
    – Prayer chain of thanks for Martha Swinson’s tumor, which just turned out to be part of a malformed underwire bra
    – Prayer chain of guidance for Martha Swinson’s search for another, more competent doctor
    – Good Lord, look what Disney’s done now
    – Chain letter informing recipients that, due to recent economic slowdown, all chain letter generation and forwarding is now being outsourced

Now here’s what troubles me the most. The hypocrisy.

I can hate on anyone I want, if for no other reason, than I am not fronting for God or claiming to be more enlightened (I’m looking at you, White Male Protester). However, generally speaking, I am not a hateful person.

There’s a lot out there that will earn my disdain, but not a lot that will make me forget the human that lurks under every hated category. This is what seems to be missing from both sides of this. The contempt shown for their fellow human beings is unforgivable. And to act on this contempt, while propping yourself up on the Bible or white guilt, is despicable.

Let people live their lives. If they are not actively harming you or other around you, who gives a goddamn what the hell they do. If they want to watch someone turn the story of Christ into a metaphor for AIDS, who fucking cares? If they want to eat hybrid corn with their caged-up steak because it’s cheap and plentiful, shut the fuck up and get out of their kitchen.

It’s the point when your beliefs encroach on mine, usually through some groundswell movement that smacks the butterfly, whose flapping wings excite the air around the nearest Congressman facing a tough re-election battle, that I start getting pissed.

My life: here. Your life: there. You want to spend every Sunday in church praying for my soul, so be it. You want to take my favorite show off the air because you can’t find the fucking off switch on your own television, fuck you.

The Golden Rule: mind your own business.



  1. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m a Christian, and I absolutely hate chain letters, especially any that exploit religion to get their bogus hoaxes passed around. I’m sick of other Christians falling for them, and it isn’t just people who believe in God who are acting misguided on the net. You touched a little on the green movement zealots but not nearly enough. Also JMHO the use of that “f” word makes your rant look, well, very low-class. You’d get the point across much better without f—ing everywhere.

  2. CLT,
    Touched a nerve with this one? Did you have an early morning knocker on your front step toting a bible today?

    I have already accepted the fact that I’m going to hell, but at least I’ll be in good company.

    • I must have. Apparently some other people keep regular hours. Who knew?

      As I understand it, modus operandi in Hell is now: “Welcome to hell, here’s your blog.”

    • Define “regular hours”? I get bible toting door knocker around my front porch at about 8 am on Saturday mornings. I figure they must be health fanatics because when they see me all blurry eyed and dishevled, they always start screaming about how I need to be exercised?

  3. Wow CLT, I couldn’t have said it better myself! And I’ve tried. I wanted to write a funny blog about the ‘Jesus is coming tomorrow on a magic elevator to take us to heaven while throwing you into a burning pit and whistling dixie’ crowd. I ended up finding this site http://www.rr-bb.com/ which completely blew my doors off. Then a strange thing happened, I kept reading and became convinced that we are all going to hell if we don’t REPENT!

    No, I’m just kidding. But they made me so fucking mad with their ignorance, racism, bigotry, etc.., so I joined the chat room, and fucked with them a little. I asked how a Jesus they claim was all about love, could be so delighted to throw people into Bed, Bath, and Beyond….I mean hell. So they kicked me off. I was still reading the site every day months later, getting all fired up and pissed off when my wife was like, “Why do that to yourself?” Why indeed. It actually became an obsession or something. I still hate those fuckers though. The funniest thing is that they don’t even realize that if they were born a continent or two away, they’d be the first ones strapped up virgin meeting powder!

    If you check out that site wear earplugs, because your brain will start leaking.
    Anyway, sorry to rant. Really great post!

    • I enjoy a good rant, Scott, so no apology is necessary. Especially if it contains ignorance-bashing and Bed, Bath and Beyond.

      I may have to check out that site, and I will heed your warning. I need this brain for its involuntary reflexes, if nothing else.

      Thanks for the great comment, Scott. See you in hell.

  4. Another incredible outing, my friend!

    Still, a shame about all that wanton elevator-related lust. Really, we must put a stop to it. Do you know of an elevator that we can crucify? Or books on elevators we can burn? That would help raise awareness, I think.

    • If there’s one thing the holy rollers can’t do, it’s let something go. Once it’s offended the delicate sensibilities, it’s stuck in their craw eternally. I believe the phrase, “like a pitbull with a toddler” gets bandied about.

      We could raze the Otis Elevator test tower. It would involve heading overseas and enjoying some of that marvelous British climate and cuisine I hear so much about.


      The people of Northampton would certainly have their awareness raised.(razed?) Could be sort of a groggy awareness, if we do it under the cover of darkness. Which is probably wise.

    • I cannot believe you two are looking for elevator related lust.

    • Hah!

      It’s a controversial work of art. I’m framing mine!

    • I’m shoving mine in a glass of urine.

    • You have glasses of urine? I’m impressed. I keep mine in a bucket in the shed.

    • Well, the ACLU specifically stated that I needed to keep the urine around in case controversy levels were running a little low.

      I ran out of crucifixes a long time ago, during the vampire outbreak of ’87.


  5. I’m so honored! By the way Christians, it’s true, Rooster’s hatch from high friction, self-inflicted, debauchery. And I couldn’t agree more with your views on World of Warcraft being of the devil. My son is fifteen minutes away from whoring himself on the corner for another two months worth of “play time”.

    • Just send him over to Second Life. He should be able to whore himself out there without ever having to leave the house.

      Great to see you, Rooster. Always happy to send more sinners your way. Keeps them off my couch.

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