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Entrepreneur Magazine Presents: Best New Franchises of 2009

July 18, 2009

Entrepreneur Magazine has release their annual Franchise 500, spotlighting some new (and exciting!) players in the field of “running your own business for someone else.” Here are a few highlighted selections from the magazine’s editors and contributors.

"Well, I don't see how this could be taken the wrong way..."

"Well, I don't see how this could be taken the wrong way..."

Stop and Pop Fertility Clinics
Set up as a competitor for rival Kum & Go.

The Dreamweavery
Mall kiosk franchise, carrying “dreamweavers and shit,” according to founder Gary Wright.

Pimp My 10 Year Old
The tweens’ destination of choice for ass-writing, henna tramp stamps, training Wonderbras, and Little Debbie G-strings. All purchases come with a “pre-Friended” MySpace page.

Mr. Speedee’s Oil Changery and Add-on Shoppe
Our videotape-trained “mechanicians” will drain your oil, stripmine your vehicle of spare change and add inexplicable charges to your bill – all in under 15 minutes!

South of the Border
Overpriced knickknacks, many of them made by actual Mexicans, bring you all the fun of Mexico without the beggars, knife wounds, crippling diarrhea or favorable exchange rate. Our vendors are always thrilled to “play-haggle” and feign amusement at your clumsy cunnilingus jokes.

Another sexually precocious Yorkie deflowers your shoes.

Another sexually precocious Yorkie deflowers your shoes.

Yorkie Pride
Come paint yourself into a merchandising corner with this exciting new franchise! All yorkies, all the time! Our complimentary startup guide will help you answer many common questions, including:

  • Do you carry anything with weenie dogs?
  • Why not?
  • So, this calendar only contains Yorkies?
  • What possible function does your business serve?
  • What do you mean, “you’ll be late with the rent?” This is the mall, not some shithole studio apartment.

Barely Knit Togethers
High-priced cashmere fashions and handmade scarves. Savvy franchisees will start this business up during the Christmas season and shut down shortly after New Year’s Day, taking their profits and bolting before various disappointed sweater enthusiasts realize these goods will fall apart after a single washing. Additional tips provided on:

  • Early returns
  • How many complaints can be filed before the Better Business Bureau drops its endorsement (surprisingly few, actually)
  • Why some people will insist on pronouncing it “barley”

Blademasters
You may think this sword and blade store will give you the chance to rub shoulders with ex-Special Forces members, various Vietnam vets and trained ninja assassins. The reality, however, is that you will be constantly overrun with LARPers, Renaissance Fair rejects and hyper 10-year-old boys. Might as well open a comic book shop and sell the shit out of some “Magic” cards.

Lukewarm Topic
Take the “edge” off in this new boutique, featuring shirts and other gear with near-offensive slogans like “Son of a Beach,” Tyson Foods Breast Inspector,” “Hershey Highwayman,” and “Have you seen Mike Hunt?” Enjoy the soothing sounds of middle-of-the-road rock “artists” such as Nickelback, Rob Thomas and the grandfathers of punk, Green Day. Now nearly 80% emo-free!

Clandestine’s Pub
Meet your secretary, mistress or other “business associate” at our attractive and discreet restaurant with full-service bar. Available as a stand-alone eatery or take advantage of our partnership with Holiday Inn Express and their new hourly rates. All corporate billing and receipts will be labelled with your choice of “Applebees” or “TGIFriday’s” to allay any suspicions. VIP customers will also receive one (1) alibi-supporting phone call per visit.

Kiosk Kiosk
The first kiosk franchise to specialize in helping others get into the kiosk franchise business. Start with your friends and family to build an exponential Kiosk Kiosk network. Founder Rich De Vos says: “So meta, it’s probably illegal!”

OG’s Home Inventory System
Finally, a business that can be run from anywhere, even your SUV or van if needed. Throw surprise parties for homeowners that mix the unpredictability of Improv Everywhere with the adrenaline rush of Panic Room, with a little scavenger hunt excitement to boot! Some involuntary participants have referred to it as a “Tupperware party with guns” and “The most frightening half-hour of my life.”

Yeah, that looks like fun. Let's bring that magic to the public.

Yeah, that looks like fun. Let's bring that magic to the public.

Ye Olde Photo Shoppe
Not to be confused with the Adobe product of nearly the same name, Ye Olde Photo Shoppe combines the fun of family photography with the tedium of selecting costumes, dressing in costumes, arguing over who gets to wear what costume, selecting backdrops and spending 3 hours to take 20 minutes worth of photos. The children will also be thrilled to add new words to their vocabulary including: muzzle loader, petticoat, bowler and head lice.

Quick Pix Standalone Kiosk
Give local teens a jumpstart on drinking with this “passport photo” booth. Coin-operated and unable to tell right from wrong, this money-making booth is the closest thing to buying those kids the beer yourself. Although this will bring in the bucks, the real reward is seeing the smile on their drunken faces as they drive their vehicle through the front window and into your living room. Pro tip: couple with an unattended cigarette machine for more soul-sucking riches.

-CLT

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22 comments

  1. I am absolutely HONORED to be included among your best new franchise list honorees!! I just wanted to let your fabuloso readers know that while many bad things have been done in the name of cashmere, that my business is nothing like that AT ALL, and that just because the product desintigrates immediately after washing does not mean it is a bad product! It says right on the label “Do not wash or expose to the harsh glare of logic under any circumstances!!” And yes, it’s somewhat unusual to sell underwear that is not washable, but there is a needy, hopeless market for it out there and just because people are too stupid, er, busy living their SINFUL, DEBAUCHED lives to read the care instructions does not mean that I or my company is in any way LIABLE for damages. If people want warm, comfortable, cashmere opiates for them asses, they will have to accept this as the only way to get there. That will be 10% of your income, please.


    • “Do not wash or expose to the harsh glare of logic under any circumstances.” Awesome! My bible says the same thing on it.

      And as for the best offense is being defensive (or something like that), I’m sure most people are probably aware that if you can buy it from a kiosk, the warranty should really come in quotes.

      My 10% is on the way. You take cheques, don’t you?

      Great to see you, BKT.


  2. And also, can I please, pretty-pretty-please come to your next Tupperware party? I’ll bring a concealed dish, wink wink nudge nudge.


    • The best part is: you won’t even need a permit as “carrying a concealed weapon without a permit” will be pretty far down the list of violations occurring at these parties.


  3. Hee hee…

    My name is York!

    What a fun coincidence! Whoopee!

    I was named after the Yorkshire Terrier. When I was born, apparently my dear old dad looked at me and said “That’s awful! It looks like a god damned Yorkshire terrier! Put it back!”

    Well, of course, I was out and there was no putting me back, so my old dad named me “York.”

    Hee hee…


    • Well, if that puts the lead back in the ol’ demented pencil, then stick around! I’ve got some profiling of the good old bad old days coming up soon.

      Say hi to Don for me, you spacey coot! Wonderful to see you and, as always, enjoy your haunting but contagious tittering.


    • That’s probably all the encouragement he needs to start dropping by.

      Looking forward to the good old bad days!


  4. We have a “Happy Haggis” kiosk in our mall. All haggis all the time, including a Haggis Fun Pack.

    Pre-Friending sounds like a real winner though, CLT.


    • “All the haggis you can stomach!”

      Does the fun pack include a Lil’ Scottie Stomach Pump and/or Kilt?

      Pre-friending’s nice. It gets you a great selection of “10-12 year old girls,” a statement that is false in pretty much every word.

      Wonderful to see you, FJ.


  5. […] Here is the original post: Entrepreneur Magazine Presents: Best New Franchises of 2009 … […]


  6. This is why I failed as an entrepreneur, no mind for a catchy name. Oddly, I asked the owner of KumGo how they came to call it that and it turns out that the “partners” last names start with a “K” and a “G”. This is the best they came up with.


    • RR! You live!

      It might be somewhat disheartening to fail as an entrepreneur, but at least you won’t have to be like K. and G., with the Kum & Go as your legacy, solemnly pointing it out to your giggling grandchildren – “I made that.”

      Truly awesome to see you, RR. Thanks for stopping by.


  7. What’s really disheartening is that I made my grandchildren. (Too far?)


    • Nope. Just far enough. I laughed out loud at that, so I’ll see you in hell.

      Cheers.


  8. I’ll keep your spot warm… oh yeah, I guess I don’t ha… you know what I mean.


    • I do know. And that’s why we’ll be the Hell Team from Hell! For eternity!


    • Okay, boys. I’ll race ya. 😉


    • Alright, BKT, but we’ve got a head start, what with our shorter life expectancy and lack of common sense.


    • Is that what it takes to be defined as a man? I guess I have some bad news for my husband.


    • Well, it’s what it takes for me to be defined as a man. Your milage may vary, of course.


    • I just reread my comment and realized it sounded like I was implying my husband is not a man.

      What I actually meant to imply was that I am a man, at least by those standards.

      Just to clarify, you understand.


    • To clarify, I’ll quote Zapp Brannigan:

      You’re a man’s man. You’re man’s man’s man.



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