Archive for July 14th, 2009


Profiles in Uselessness-the White Male Protester

July 14, 2009
Troubled youth misunderstands point of last week's Nike protest

Nike's unexpected sponsorship allowed the rioters to upgrade their "rock-hurling" capabilities.

In a temporary lull… enjoy something you may have seen before (originally posted March 30, 2009).

White, suburban upper-middle class.
Upbringing voted “Most Oppressive” by self, other suburban whites.
Takes Earth Day off from work (also Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday).
Use variations of “green” like the rest of us use “fuck.”

Under-employment history:
Part-time barrista, 2Girls1Cup Coffee Shop
Fired for: Failure to meet minimum “awareness” level.

Part-time server, Murphy’s Raw & Uncut Vegan Restaurant
Fired for: Not transsexual enough.

Part-time cashier, Weighty Pretensions Alternative Bookstore
Fired for: Failure to meet minimum facial piercing requirement.

Part-time clerk, Rolling Stoned “Record” Store
Fired for: “Failure to imply that tobacco pipes and accessories could be used for more recreational (and illegal) drugs.”

Intern, Aging Hipster Records
Fired for: “Failure to attend either of two US festivals from 1982/83; constant use of ‘I wasn’t even born yet!’ excuse.

Part-time Assistant Shirt Folder, the Gap
Fired for: “Failure to meet harsh requirements of a 15-hour workweek.”


Jeff regretted two things; the bowling balls in his backpack and the flag he had eaten at the last protest.

Petitions Signed:
– Vegan Co-op Bill of Rights
– Initiative for Continued Use of Inflated/Imaginary Statistics
– Animal Testing Ban at Purina, Iams
– Di-hydrogen Monoxide Ban
– Tax the Rich (More)
– The Berkeley Womandate
– Free Market Expansion
– Save the Seagoing Mammals
– Increase Our Double-Standard of Living Now!
– Free Leonard Peltier
– Free Everything for Jobless Slackers
– Repeal the Death Penalty
– Death Penalty for Corporate Polluters
– Mandatory 15-Hour Workweek

Unusually tall leprechauns protest lack of adequate charm protection.

Unusually tall leprechauns protest lack of adequate charm protection.

Quotes from roommates, employers, family:
– “And now you’re homeless. Hope that’s ‘oppressive’ enough for you. Gather up your shit and your empathy and get the fuck out.”
– “I’ve seen more mental and physical activities in coma victims.”
– “Unlike you, the housework isn’t going to spend all evening ‘doing itself.'”
– “A ‘free market’ refers to unfettered capitalism, you retard. It has nothing to adjusting goods and services prices down to $0.”
– “Just a pointer for your next interview: try to wear something that isn’t tie-dyed or covered in marijuana leaves.”
– “You’re lucky most of the reflexes and motions needed to keep you alive are involuntary.”
– “Maybe you should start your own business in the fragrance industry. You could start with ‘Lazy Ass,’ a heady blend of patchouli, bongwater, sweaty dreadlocks and failure.”
– “Ah… spending the day ‘fighting the power’ from the couch again, I see.”
– “Your political views and sexual inadequacies are swiftly turning me into that rarest of creatures, the lesbian Republican.”
– “You are aware, ‘sir,’ that we do have a pre-employment urine screening policy.”
– “I just really, really want to punch you in the face right now.”
– “Ah, ‘sticking it to the man’ by failing to show up for work again. Right on, bro.”
– “In all my years running this commune, I am proud that I have been able to bring out the best in every member. I guess every streak has to end…”

Best case scenario: another Ralph Nader.

Unfortunately, this will be another bus/bike-riding busybody who’s going to save the world through their bold plan of making hemp bracelets and growing some vegetables in a window box.

Truly useless, these disenfranchised youths will spend several (if not all) of their years living off other people’s money: mom and dad, roommates, taxpayers. By solely choosing to spend a majority of their time breathing, they have already taken more from the world than they can ever hope to give back.

With their bold stances and corporate logos, they unite to push the developed world back into third world conditions and the third world back into the Stone Age through a ridiculous set of standards and complete disregard for the welfare of their fellow man. Somehow making the world more difficult to live in makes it “better.”

They rail against the fundamental right for its imposition of a belief system while loudly proclaiming the inferiority of nearly every person around them for failing to lockstep into an “Earth First, Humans Last” ideology.

All hail the white male protester, the odd man out in the Benetton tapestry that is the world. Consumed by liberal guilt, one can only hope that he continues to toss his vote in the Green Party trashcan every four years and gets run over by the very bus he’s waiting for before he can do any lasting damage.

So, go ahead, you fucking jackass. Break that window. Maybe you can be part of that perfect, random act of kindness: the beating given to you by an overworked and underpaid cop may give him a reason to smile today.