Fancy Plans Guide to Wisconsin

July 7, 2009

Pull up a chair, netizens. Time to fill your head with facts that you were too bored to learn at school. In an effort to put the fun back in information, we have made up this new word: Funformation! The exclamation point always makes us giddy, deep in our girl parts.

Enough pointless rambling. It’s time to get down to the pointless facts. The Official Fancy Plans Guide to Wisconsin.

From the Algonquin word Ouisconsin, meaning “Kegger By the River,” Wisconsin is known mainly for its two chief industries: producing beer and purchasing beer. Escorted to the border and tossed out by clean living Canadians, Wisconsin is the “prodigal” Canuck state which will never be allowed back into the Great White North, not even if the Queen Mother weakens during her later years.

Other states have tried interventions to limited success, the most recent being Michigan’s, which was spurned with, “Who the fuck are you preaching to, asshole? You don’t even have a job!”

Misleading Chamber of Commerce pamphlets and trade magazines will point to burgeoning cheese and agriculture industries as a way of distracting the average tourist from the sight and smell of the general population, which is usually in an advanced state of hangover. Competing hotels will even go so far as to leave Tillamook Cheddar on your bed pillows at night.

Another Milwaukee Chamber of Commerce meeting commences

Another Milwaukee Chamber of Commerce meeting commences

Major Cities
Milwaukee, the enabler of the state (and states around it; I’m looking at you, Minnesota) was built by German settlers looking for a place to produce beer, their homeland’s favorite beverage (outstripping Dr. Pfefferschnausenn nearly 3-to-1). These hardy Germans began cranking out medium-to-low quality lagers beginning in the mid-1850’s and still continue to this day with no discernible uptick in excellence.

Milwaukee’s breweries have given the world (mainly the Midwest) such beers as Pabst, Blatz, Schlitz, Old Milwaukee and the triumphantly named, Milwaukee’s Best. A careful perusal of the beer labels early in the night will reveal ribbons for various “Best in Show” designations, usually awarded by drunken local judges. Tour guides at the multitude of breweries will be sure to point this fact out, several times as well as reminding you that bottled water is for “fags.”

Local watering holes include: The Drunken Rant, The Elliptical Argument, The Whitest Place on Earth, Open at 7 AM, DUI’s Tavern (“Within Walking Distance of Anywhere that Matters!”), The Rolling Blackout and college favorite, Tipsy McDateRape’s.

Wisconsin is proud to host three major sports teams: the Green Bay Packers, the Milwaukee Brewers and the Milwaukee Bucks. As you may have noticed, two of the three teams are named after professions, as is the workmanlike professionalism of the local binge-drinkers. Former team names include the Assemblers, the Caretakers, the Meter Readers and the Sandwich Artists.

Bud Selig gives an attractive sportscaster the "look"

Bud Selig gives an attractive sportscaster the "look"

Milwaukee Brewers
The Milwaukee Brewers, Wisconsin’s entry into the major leagues, are owned by baseball’s interim commissioner-for-life, Bud Selig, who moved his team from the American League to the National League in the dead of night, hoping to find a weak NL Central that would allow his generally sub-.500 team to stumble into a wildcard playoff spot.

Selig and his team have not been successful in that respect, possibly due to drunken players and managers. Selig has, however, endeared himself to millions of baseball fans by raising serious conflict-of-interest questions and allowing All Star games to end in ties. Selig’s detractors refer constantly to his Janet Reno-esque looks and his near-constant BAC level of 0.12%.

Another wasted Packer passes out in the end zone

Another wasted Packer passes out in the end zone

Green Bay Packers
As the NFL’s only publicly-owned team, the Packers enjoy sellout after sellout due to the misconception that alcohol in the bloodstream raises body temperature. Attending a home game can be a daunting experience for an outsider, as the game itself is only tangentially related to the 8 annual meetings of the half-undressed, half-body painted team owners.

God help you if you manage to purchase an endzone seat and are called upon to help an intoxicated and winded Packer to his feet after a rare touchdown. While colorfully referred to as the “Lambeau Leap,” it really has about as much to do with acrobatics as my acid-addled crawl across the carpet has to do with my “dropped contact.”

The Milwaukee Bucks mascot fakes another injury to avoid embarrassment out on the court

The Milwaukee Bucks mascot fakes another injury to avoid embarrassment out on the court

Milwaukee Bucks
The Bucks are a relatively uninteresting NBA franchise, whose collection of white locals who can’t jump are an embarrassment to a town that’s pretty hard to embarrass. Especially after this past New Years, when Milwaukee was caught pissing into Lake Michigan, just slightly after it drove its Neon into Iowa’s cornfields.

The Bucks enjoy competitive games with their Midwestern rivals including the Vancouver Grizzlies, the Minneapolis Lakers and the Dinkytown Fighting Whiteys.

Drunk as fuck

Drunk as fuck

Famous Citzens
No discussion of Wisconsin would be complete without a mention of their most famous inhabitants, Laverne De Fazio and Shirley Feeney. These drunken and promiscuous roommates moved to Milwaukee during the Great Beer Rush of 1959 and were acquaintances of Arthur Fonzarelli, a young hoodlum who terrorized Arnold’s Drive-In with his leather jacket, boyish good looks and constant physical abuse of Arnold’s jukebox.

Miller: High on Life

Miller: High on Life

Quick Facts

State Bird– Scarlet Crested Combover (not to be confused with New York state bird, the Sean Puffy Combover)
State Haircut – the Trucker Hat
State Slogan – Happy Hour 5-9 PM! Kids drink free!
Soup of the Day – Cheese
State Flower – The, uh… hop
State Song – (Who Hasn’t Been) On Wisconsin!



  1. Another brilliant adventure in the real truth.

    So… It was the Algonquins who put the “sin” in Wisconsin… Was this the delightfully witty members of the Algonquin Round Table? It sounds like their work.

    • They were as witty as they were hammered. Always with the quick and cutting remark on their way to the floor…

      Thanks for the visit and comment, Alan.

    • Ha! I guess they had to make them somewhere.

  2. I use to drink nothing but Schlitz. First because it cost $11 a case and secondly… there is no other reason. You ain’t kiddin’ though, there must be a river or something that flows straight form Milwaukee, ’cause that’s all the beer choices we had. I stopped drinking Schlitz not bwecause of the medical problems, but I tired of people saying “Schlitz?!?!” You’re like super smart… can you tell me what the beginning of the Laverne & Shirley show is saying/singing?

    • RR, thanks for the compliments.

      The very beginning of the Laverne and Shirley opening theme, which sounds like a mixture of Yiddish and German, is actually an old Sumerian incantation. It’s normally said during family occasions centered around the Book of the Dead. Just another little depravity inserted by Garry Marshall.

  3. That’s actually a big relief… I don’t feel near as guilty for the virgin sacrifices now.

    • I thought that’s what the sacrifices were for. My Zagat’s Guide to Human Sacrifices suggests three (3) virgins to rid yourself of guilt. Or one (1) and a Prius purchase.

  4. Good luck trying to load your virgin into the Prius.

    • So, it’s true what they say? “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go all the way at 45-52 mpg”?

  5. At 45 to 52 mpg, they’ll go anywhere you want.

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