Fancy Plans… Guide to Rock and Roll Vol. 7 (Diminishing Returns)July 6, 2009
The rock and roll machine hums on, not dead as critics say, just resting. Those who have honestly assessed the situation have noted that the humming is actually coming from the life-support machine, not from rock and roll itself. Unfortunately for the supposed heirs to the rock throne, rock and roll’s will has not been updated since 1964.
Goo Goo Dolls
Cute as a bug’s ear and twice as disposable, the Goo Goo Dolls have spent the last decade or so studying at the Jon Bon Jovi School for the Bland. Like their namesake, they should probably be discarded, like any other toy, by the age of consent, at the latest.
For U.S. citizens, this would be the age that allows you to begin throwing your vote away and catching bullets in the armed forces. Other countries, not so much. In Islamic countries, your age of consent may be as low as nine, so be prepared to toss your shitty music and dated morals out the window along with most of your human rights.
It probably helps ease the virgin-crunch in Islam heaven, what with all the arbitrary shuffling of the preferred age of consent. Jihad!
An ambiguously-named collective whose claims to fame include being Freewheelin Bob Dylan’s touring group and the bane of marquee signing everywhere. Anchored by Robbie Robertson and Levon Helm, The Band became the ne plus ultra of everything music and band-related.
This talented group became everything anyone could hope for in a The Band, covering musical ground as disparate as country, roots rock, garage, disco, big the band, ragtime, post-rock, folk, jam the band and some of that old time rock and roll, as espoused by Bob “Pete” Seger and his Coors Light Silver Bullet The Band.
Most likely best known for their hit single, We’re An American The Band, for all I know. For more information on The Band, consult your World Book Encyclopedia (see also: Band).
The Birthday Party
Of all the ironically-named post-punk groups, the Birthday Party is perhaps the most ironic and definitely the postest. (Until the next edition of the Fancy Plans Guide to Rock and Roll, at which time we will probably delight in some rich, promiscuous irony, as per the FDA’s recommended daily requirement.)
If your average birthday party wasn’t so much about pointy hats and crappy streamers, but rather laden with psycho-sexual undertones and bleak nihilism, then this was your Birthday Party. If Nick Cave stood up at your party and offered a toast which highlighted your father’s murderous past, your mother’s years as a junkie and your own pointless and doomed upbringing, then this was not just a birthday party but The Birthday Party. If your presents included a revolver, a bible and a whiskey bottle, then congratulations! Happy the Birthday to you!
Time to start living each day like it’s your last. Because it probably is.
To this day, the best-selling Irish artists of all-time (take that, Thin Lizzy!), Clannad is a loose confederation of wood elves, faeries, nymphs and anti-social binge drinkers. They perform traditional Irish and Celtic music meaning only pub-related instruments are used, and the singing, which resembles drunken rambling, is actually Gaelic, the native tongue of various wood sprites.
Should you have a chance to catch this group of Irish poets performing sober, you’re probably lying.
Following the footsteps of Stryper in an attempt to sell God-rock to the kids, Creed is led by Scott Stapp’s energetic bellowing and embodiment of Christian ideals: drunken misbehavior, fleecing Christian youth, crossover success and incredibly shitty rock.
Creed’s undemanding grunge has earned them millions of undemanding fans and the attention of Jesus Christ’s lawyers due to Stapp’s blatant appropriation of the patented “Jesus Christ Pose.” J.C.’s lawyers argue that this pose was trademarked over 2000 years ago through an arduous registration process which included being tortured and killed by Romans.
Scott Stapp has fired back with a tersely worded, “Whatever. I do what I want.”
The lawyers have replied with “Remember. He brought you into this world and He can surely take thee right back out.”
To which millions of people responded, “Yes! Please do! Send a killer robot back in time to kill his mother if you have to!”
The Jesus Lizard
Named after the absolutely true story of Jesus and His bible friends’ mounting and taming of free-range dinosaurs during the Earth’s formative years (before they were all mysteriously “disappeared” and carbon-loaded solely to confuse scientists), the Jesus Lizard wax theologic on potent noise-rock tracks such as, My Own Urine, Tight and Shiny, Rodeo in Juliet, Dancing Naked Ladies, Killer McHann, Post Coital Glow, Skull of a German, Pervertedly Slow and Wheelchair Epidemic.
Too easily written off as just another 50’s teenybopper, Paul Anka was more than just a miniature Italian heartthrob. He gave Tom Jones a hit with She’s a Lady and wrote My Way for the then-unknown Sex Pistols.
A legion of snot-nosed bloggers have taken cheap shots at Anka, myself included. This particular besmirching occurred in a comment where I insinuated that Anka was too “edgy” for Pat Boone fans. In reality, many things are too “edgy” for Pat Boone fans, including:
- coloring outside the lines
- “California stops”
- several of the “darker” After School Specials
- new release parties that begin at midnight
- widescreen format DVDs
- Axe bodyspray ads
- the Disney Channel after 7 pm
6And the Lord said You shall have no other gods before me
7And a voice came from the back of the gathering, questioning these words
8Moses. God. Eric here. Hi. Longtime fan, first-time caller. Lots of people have been referring to me as God and I really haven’t been stopping them. Is this a problem?
9God said Let me take this one, Moses.
10If you’ll take a look further down this list… where is it… here:
11You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.
12I think that should answer your question, Eric. That actually covers more than one area, but I’m not going to get into that now. Back to you, Moses.
13Moses said, Eric, they’re calling you God? How is that possible? What are they calling Jimi? Seriously. He’s twice the guitarist and four times as well-hung. God? GTFO!
14Eric, abashed, said I have been known to play the guitar in a pleasing fashion and to be quite skilled for an Englishman. Why, I have even been known to—
15I’m going to cut you off there, Eric. Moses is right. Your best known song is about adultery, for the love of Me. And then you went ahead and watered it down with that terrible acoustic version, which is only suitable for coffehouse background music and shareholder’s meetings.
16Not to pile on, Eric, but while God has got you nailed on Layla, let’s not forget Tears in Heaven, another stillborn waste of time—
17Look, I’m classically trained and I have got quite the body of work. I have performed for the Queen and Richard Branson. Have either of you composed a hit song in the last 30 years? I think not. You just think you can sit up there on your mountain and take cheap shots—
18Cheap shots? Are you hearing this, Moses? From a guy who thinks it’s ok to be called God. I though Scott Stapp was bad, but this guy…
19I hear you, God. Well, time to pay some bills. We’ll be back with more commandments after this quick break for the good people at the Burning Bush Gentleman’s Club…
Posted in Music | Tagged Age of Consent, Bob Dylan, Burning Bush Gentleman's Club, Clannad, Creed, Drunken Irish Poets, Eric Clapton, Goo Goo Dolls, Humor, Islam, Jesus Lizard, Nick Cave, Pat Boone, Paul Anka, Richard Branson, Scott Stapp, Sex Pistols, Stryper, The Band, The Birthday Party, Thin Lizzy, Whiskey Guns and Bibles |
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