Profiles in Randomness: Roberto

July 4, 2009
Roberto, pictured here with beloved friend and longtime companion, his Stabbing Knife

Roberto, pictured here with beloved friend and longtime companion, his Stabbing Knife

One of the all-time great minor characters from anywhere at any time, Futurama’s Roberto is a stabbing robot. This is not a malfunction or distressing sign of sentience, but rather his whole purpose. Evidence exists in this clip, in which Roberto (and Bender) are both in line for a compliance upgrade, to better mesh with Mom’s (a worldwide monopoly) new 1-X Robot.


Another appearance has him sharing a room with Fry at the local insane robot facility and terrorizing him all night long by practicing his stabbing.

How insane is he? Bender and Fry run into him while in line at the bank, which Roberto decides to rob (again).
Bender: I like your style. Robbing the same bank twice. Classy.
Roberto: The first time was to just case the joint and rob it a little.

And, of course, this interjection: You’re not made of Tuesday!

As is my style, I have completely and shamelessly co-opted Roberto’s love of stabbing to serve as shorthand for the irritants in life which make me feel a tad homicidal. Without further ado, an incomplete and disorganized list of the things in life that make me reach for my “stabbing knife:”

  • Centerfield by John Fogerty
  • The Devil Went Down to Georgia by the Charlie Daniels Band
  • Brass in Pocket by the Pretenders
  • Barbie Girl by Aqua
  • Nearly every piece of mainstream country that has been released in the last 10 years
  • Nickelback
  • Any time Bono opines about anything
  • Keanu Reeves
  • Child actors
  • Menthol cigarettes
  • Patrons who order complicated drinks in establishments that serve their drinks in plastic cups
  • Birthday songs in chain restaurants
  • The RIAA and ASCAP
  • People who have decided their pot usage is a “lifestyle choice” and are now sticking it to the man by being underemployed for life
  • Overuse of current slang, ironic or not
  • The ethanol lobby, in charge of lightening your wallet, breaking your car and shoving your food supply into your gas tank
  • Militant anti-smokers
  • Moral panics
  • People who get “outraged” at pretty much everything
  • Fox News – just because you’re louder doesn’t mean you’re correct
  • Jay Leno
  • The TSA (“They took my stabbing clippers!”) and anything other elements of our blossoming police state, all done under the guise of the “War on Terror”
  • Nearly every motherfucker in Washington, DC (except this guy, who has never taken an earmark)
  • Wacky morning DJs
  • The “comedians” of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour
  • The frat boy mentality
  • The New York Yankees
  • Warning labels
  • Paul Ehrlich

Feel free to add your own particular triggers in the comments. I’d love to see what you hate…



  1. -Subatomic particles that refuse to get jobs
    -Hearing the words “Give me the next Sponge Bob”
    -People who say rude things about Guy Lombardo
    -Ears filled with mayonnaise
    -Reality TV
    -Reformed Kangaroos – There’s no one more righteous than a reformed kangaroo, and it’s time they learned to shut up
    -The assholes from The Guy Lombardo chat line who banned me
    -Animated ponies that refuse to kill time
    -The fact that the “sentence” above makes no sense
    -That at times, I suspect Gavin Friday may be as insufferable as Bono
    -Swimming Pools that can’t take Chad Kroger in a fight
    -All of Guy Lombardo’s bastard children
    -Pairs Hilton
    -Paris France
    -Paris Ontario
    -Doing The Froog
    -Swooning Crooners who croon and swoon out of tune
    -Wind chimes
    -American Idolatry
    -The following flavours of sprinkles – pickle, mayonnaise, mockery, pig’s feet

    • Wonderful list, Alan!

      It’s a shame that most of those whose reputations we tarnish on our fair Internet (Guy Lombardo, John Updike, Clive Cussler, Chad Kroeger) had their day in the sun well before Al Gore invented it.

      I would also imagine that they and their surviving fans have yet to conquer the holy trinity of computing (Comp, Mouse, Keyboard) and will never be able to defend their “honor.”

      For Chad, this probably means a basic lack of English skills or the ability to form complete sentences.

  2. -Bluetooth technology
    -Jimmy Buffett
    -The drunken Dick Clark (stroke, my ass)
    -Jimmy Buffett, again
    -The word prolapse
    -Mayonnaise (Alan is correct on this)
    -Abnormal dentition
    -Nickleback (yes, yes, me too)
    -Did I mention Jimmy Buffett?
    -Accident prone ninjas
    -Man boobs
    -All fucking clowns, shit, I can’t believe I didn’t say that first…CLOWNS, CLOWNS do you hear me!!
    -(For Alan) My sprinkles flavors: tripe, feet, a diaper full of Mexican food, and curried gallbladder

    • Thanks for the great list, FJ.

      I can’t believe I forgot to include the stabbingest artist of all in my list: Jimmy Buffett.

      His brand of “middle age rebellion music” is sickening. Nothing like a bunch of white, privileged, middle-aged men pretending to throw it all away (not the white, privileged part, of course) to slum it on some touristy island or peninsula wearing madras, flip-flops and a rotation of horrific “Hawaiian” shirts.

      Nothing like sticking it to the man, by being the man, and paying another man $6.50 for some girl drink with a ridiculous amount of accessories.

      And clowns. Fuck them, too.

      Thanks, FJ. Nice to see you.

  3. Gosh. You guys must stab a lot! I can’t really think of anything that gets under my skin that much.

    Except the people I work with who do less work but make more money than I do.

    Oh, and the idiots down the street who shot their gun into the air since fireworks are illegal.

    People who think they can sing the national anthem, but can’t.

    Movies that are all gore and no plot.
    Movies that are all porn and no plot.

    • I don’t know if a stabbing rights a wrong when someone fires a gun in the air to protest their limited fireworks rights. This may be an instance where several wrongs will work together to make a right. Sort of like mob justice.

      As to the National Anthem, that’s pretty much everyone. But to stop them would be ‘unpatriotic.” So we have to stand while they murder each and every note and stretch out the ending to 3-1/2 minutes in an attempt to outdo crack-addled punching bag, Whitney Houston. Stabbing, indeed.

      And I believe the last part is for you Eli Roth, James Wan and various pseudononymous Cinemax directors…

      Thanks for the comment, CC.

  4. – Lifetime movies
    – Girls who piss in groups. Especially when there is a limited number of stalls.
    – The silent treatment as a problem solving strategy
    – The Hallmark channel
    – Teachers who bitch and moan about teenagers. That’s the job you signed up for, so shut the fuck up and/or quit.
    – Miller Lite
    – James Blunt’s “High”
    – Hummers
    – Escalade pick-ups – Really, what will you ever put in the back?
    – Trendy dance clubs
    – Girls that go “dancing”
    – People who say “irregardless”
    – Brett Favre being mentioned in the news
    – Princess weddings…especially when they lack an open bar.
    – Long weddings
    – Working hard and not getting paid shit…

    Well, that was therapeutic…Thanks!

    • Nothings more therapeutic than stabbing! Ask any disbarred psychiatrist, preferably from a safe distance.

      A very stab-worthy list.

      Lifetime/Hallmark – they really know their diseases/uplifting messages. A greeting card company should never be allowed to venture past their original starting point.

      Bitchy teachers – this is not what they mean when someone asks “Why won’t someone think of the children?”

      James Blunt – the only thing he’s got going for him is his name, which might allow him to run a lucrative chain of “medicinal” marijuana joints in the future. Excuse me, “joints.”

      Hummers – men are all for them, sex slang or no. Women, not so much, sex slang or no. I say… stab.

      The Escalade Half-Ass – Does GM really need another indication of why it sucks at what it does? “Wow, Ted. Looks like someone erased part of your concept drawing… Hell, run it by the board. After all, they approved the Aztec.”

      Girls who go “dancing” at trendy nightclubs, which is apparently code for bottlenecking the bathroom.

      Brett Favre – whatever, Mr. Miracle. Still trying to keep that Lifetime Interceptions record safely tucked away. I thought the Vikings were perfectly capable of a 9-7 record without him.

      Weddings = stabbings.

      “We told you to work smarter not harder. Your pay will remain at ‘shit’ for the time being.”

      Thanks for venting, sheervis. Now, honestly, how many times do you get to hear that phrase?

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